Deal With a Loved One Going to Jail

When someone you love goes to jail, it can have a huge impact on your life. You have to grieve the loss of that person in your day-to-day life, as well as deal with any extra struggles his or her loss brings. In addition, you have to learn to navigate the maze of visiting the person in jail. Though it's tough, you can learn to create a new life for yourself while your loved one is gone.

Steps

Starting Out

1. Stay in the moment. If you try to think about all the years ahead without the person you love in your life, you'll likely get overwhelmed. Instead, take it moment by moment, dealing with what each day brings you.
   • If you have trouble staying in the moment, you can try a mindfulness technique. For instance, while you're in the shower, try really paying attention to what you're doing. Don't let your mind wander to what's going on later in the day; instead, pay attention to how the soap feels on your skin, the way the hot water relaxes your muscles, and the scent of soap in the air. Focus your attention on the sensations you're feeling, not what's going through your head.
2. Prepare yourself for what lies ahead. This advice may seem contrary to the last step. However, you can still stay in the moment while knowing that what comes ahead may be difficult. For instance, you may begin to lose certain relationships because your loved one is in jail. People may not be as forgiving as you'd like them to be.
   • Of course, it will hurt, but if you lose friends, know that you will probably also gain friends who are going through the same thing. In addition, you know the people who stick around will see you through thick and thin.
3. Make a plan and a budget. If the person you loved provided part of the income for your household, you're going to need to get a new plan. You may need to get a second job or even move. Take a careful look at your budget to see what is necessary for you to survive.
   • Include the extra costs of supporting your loved one in jail. Jail can be expensive for those on the outside. From making phone calls to buying items at the commissary, your loved one will need money to help her while she's inside. However, those costs can add up quickly, as even adding money to an account comes with fees. Therefore, set a budget of how much you think you can reasonably spend on the person per month, and stick to it. If you don't think it's enough, see if anyone else in the family is willing to help out.
   • You're also not going to have their support around the house, so you may find yourself with extra housework. Don't be afraid to ask family members for support when you need it.
4. Take care of yourself. This process is a grieving process. You're losing someone important in your life, and it's important to grieve that person. Nonetheless, don't forget you need to still take care of yourself. Try to sleep on a regular schedule, and eat healthy meals to keep you going.
5. Decide how often you can visit. Most jails limit how often you can visit. In addition, the place where your loved one is held may not be as close as you would like. Therefore, you must decide how often you will be able to visit, so you and your loved one will know what to expect.
   • You can also let the person know when you'll be able to email or write.
6. Make a plan about how you want to tell people. It can be difficult to decide how much to tell other people. The truth is probably best, since some people may find out from police blotters or the newspaper. However, if you're not comfortable with that, you can say you separated or that he or she had to move away. Just be consistent in what you say.
   • Also, make a decision about who you want to tell. Maybe you want to keep it just in the family, or maybe you feel like you should tell certain close friends. It's better to decide upfront who will be informed.
7. Think about what you want to tell your children. It's important to tell your children the truth when your spouse lands in jail, if that's the position you're in. If you don't and they find out the truth, they will feel you betrayed their trust. Be direct, and try to answer any questions they may have. Also, give them a script for what to say to people outside of the family. For instance, they could say "He's away," or "She's in jail," depending on what you decide.
   • In addition, if you decide you want your kids to visit the person in jail, make sure to go first without them. That way, you can tell them what is going to happen when they get there and help calm down some of their fears.

Visiting the Person

1. Find out the rules ahead of time. If possible, contact the jail so you know what to expect. For instance, you'll likely be subjected to search. In addition, some jails only allow video conferencing, so you may not be able to actually hug the person. Most jails minimize physical contact, limiting it to a short hug at most. Knowing what to expect can take some of the tension out of it.
   • You won't be able to give anything to the person, such as baked goods, so it's best not to bring things like that with you.
2. Use calming techniques. Visiting someone in jail is stressful. If you find yourself anxious, try some calming techniques. For instance, you can try putting a relaxing scent on a tissue to take with you. You may not be able to take it in with you, but you can use it immediately before or after by holding it near your nose and breathing in; however, remember that scent will be linked to that experience, so try not to use something you smell all the time.
   • You can also try breathing techniques. If you find yourself feeling anxious, take a moment to breathe. Close your eyes, and breathe in while counting to four. Count to four while breathing out. Focus on your breathing until you feel yourself calm down.
3. Don't be surprised if the person lashes out. Being in jail is scary for everyone, and she may be afraid she's losing you, too. Plus, she's having to create a new life for herself in a tense situation. Try to be understanding, but don't let the person walk all over you, especially since you're having a tough time, too.
4. Have support afterwards. Seeing your loved one in jail is going to be hard, and the whole experience of visiting a jail isn't going to be fun. Therefore, try to have someone available immediately afterwards to be with you. Go out for a coffee, and have a chat to help ease your tension.

Finding Support

1. Join a group. Many communities have support groups for people who find themselves with loved ones in jail. You might be able to find one through the court system. You can also try contacting local psychologists' offices to see if they know of any such groups.
2. Try a grief counselor. If a group setting isn't for you, try a few one-on-one sessions with a grief counselor. If you don't have insurance or your insurance doesn't cover counseling sessions, visit a sliding scale clinic; what you pay will be based on what you make.
3. Set aside guilt. You may feel guilty that your loved one is in jail while you are not. Remember, that you did not make the same choices she did to land in jail, and all you can do now is support her.
   • The first step to moving past guilt is to realize that you've done nothing wrong. It's not your fault the person is in jail, and you can't change another person's actions.
   • On the other hand, if you feel like you did anything to help land the person in jail, accept the responsibility for that action; one way you can accept responsibility is to apologize to the person.
   • Once you've apologized, try to push forward. Put the thought of guilt out of your mind, and stop going over it in your head. You can't change the past; you can only move forward into a better future.
4. Create a new "normal." For awhile, your life is going to feel out of whack. With someone you love suddenly gone from your day to day life, you may feel a little lost. However, if you can just keep working through it, you'll readjust to life without them, and life won't feel so strange.
   • Part of creating a new normal is staying on track with the normal seasons. That is, don't be afraid to celebrate holidays and birthdays without your loved one. You don't have to sacrifice your own life just because you're loved one went away.
   • Try creating new traditions with your family to have something to look forward to. Alternatively, you could try a new hobby to take some of your time.

Related Articles

• Help a Friend Who Gets Arrested in the Middle of the Night
• Arrange for Bail While in Jail
• Arrange Bail at No Cost
• Hire a Lawyer When You Have Low Income
• Cope with a Spouse's Incarceration

Sources and Citations

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