Encourage Your Friends to Contact You More

Many people feel insecure in friendships. If you feel like you're always the one initiating contact, you may feel like your friends don't appreciate your presence. However, there's a variety of reasons your friends may not contact you as often as you would like. If you want your friends to contact you more, work on making yourself approachable. Let people know you enjoy socializing and are down for any kind of events. You should also evaluate any deeper issues. There may be group dynamics at play that affect how often your friends contact you. Lastly, work on being a desirable friend. If you're the kind of person people are drawn to, you'll get contacted more often.

Steps

Making Yourself Approachable

1. Let people know you're down for anything. You may not get contacted if people think you're not interested in certain events or activities. Try to let people know you're interested in trying new things. This way, when someone wants to hit up a new bar or try a new restaurant, you're more likely to get an invitation.
   • When a moment comes in conversation to show you're interested in trying new things, take it. For example, say a couple of friends are talking about the new Japanese restaurant that opened up. You could say something like, "I love trying new food. If anyone wants to hit that place up, let me know."
   • If you're not contacted a lot, this may be because people think you're simply not interested in spending time doing certain activities. By presenting yourself as someone with a variety of interests, you're more likely to get an invitation.
   • Let people know you're comfortable with a variety of situations. If you're not a big drinker, for example, people may be hesitant to contact you if they're heading to the bar after work. If you hear people talking about drinking, say something like, "I'm not into alcohol that much myself, but I don't mind having a club soda and chatting while other people are drinking."
2. Provide your contact information. Friends won't be able to contact you if they don't know how to reach you. When you have the opportunity to do so, provide friends with your contact information. You should also let them know how to reach you best. Say something like, "I don't have free texting on my phone, so calling, e-mailing, or talking to me on Facebook works best."
   • Don't be shy on social media. In this day and age, many new friendships blossom because people reach out to one another via outlets like Facebook and Twitter. If you know someone from school or work, find them on Facebook and send a friend request. This conveys you're interested in socializing with this person. Many people feel shy about calling or texting, and may feel more comfortable casually chatting online.
3. Be friendly and approachable when you see people in person. When you see people in person, this presents you with an opportunity to make a good impression. If you come off as sociable and approachable, people will be more likely to reach out to you after a party or get together.
   • If someone strikes up a conversation with you, be engaging. If a person asks how you're doing, don't simply say "good" or "okay." Give that person a small bit of detail about your day and ask him or her how he or she is doing. For example, "I'm great. I got a wonderful walk in after work today. How are you?" People are drawn to those who are interested in them. Asking a lot of questions, and paying attention to the answers, will make people more likely to contact you after an event.
   • You should also work on having approachable body language. Try to keep your shoulders down and avoid crossing your arms. Make eye contact with friends and acquaintances from across the room and then offer a nice smile.
4. Contact your friends first, on occasion. If you're worried others aren't contacting you, consider whether you reach out to them. Your friends may feel like you're not interested in being contacted if you rarely text, call, or e-mail them. Try sending a few texts out a day to friends. Like people's posts on social media. Take steps to be more socially engaged. If you interact with others regularly, others are more likely to interact with you.
5. Do not take perceived rejections personally. In friendships, especially long-term friendships, we develop certain expectations of others. You may think it's your friend's turn to ask you to coffee if you asked the last time, for example. However, sometimes expectations can lead you to take perceived rejections as personal slights. Unless the two of you had a specific falling out, chances are a friend lessening contact is not personal. If you get angry or confrontational over the issue, you could hurt your friend's feelings. Work on de-personalizing a lack of contact.
   • Consider a variety of other factors before deciding your friend is being rude to you. Has your friend been busy lately? Is he or she undergoing any changes? A variety of factors could make a friend taper off contact. Chances are it's not about you.
   • Try to be understanding if you're not offered an invitation to a particular event. You may feel left out if you see on Facebook a few of your friends went out without you. Chances are they did not consciously leave you out. Your friends may have assumed you were busy, wouldn't be interested in the activity, or maybe just wanted a smaller group.
6. Talk about the issue. If you feel a friendship is becoming one-sided, it's appropriate to talk about the issue. However, do so in a calm and respectful manner. You do not want to make your friend feel bad, resulting in hurt feelings. The goal of talking things out is to find a mutually beneficial solution.
   • Let your friend know you want to talk. You can try to gather your thoughts ahead of time by writing them down. Try to go into the conversation with empathy. Consider your friend's perspective. Why might he or she be contacting you less lately? Try to take this into consideration.
   • Use "I"-statements to express yourself. These are statements that begin with "I feel," after which you state your emotion. Then, you explain the actions that lead to that emotion, and why you feel that way. "I"-statements can lessen blame, as you're putting the focus on your feelings over objective facts. For example, don't say, "I'm always the one who calls you and invites you out. It's disrespectful that you never take initiative to make plans." Instead, say, "I feel disrespected when you never call me and make plans because it makes our friendship feel one-sided."
   • Give your friend some specifics on how you would like things to change. For example, maybe you want your friend to make plans on occasion instead of always waiting for you to do so.

Evaluating the Issues

1. Consider if you're the leader of the group. Oftentimes, one person inadvertently becomes the leader of a group of people. You may be the one making plans and calling the shots for the group. This may mean your friends don't contact you as much. This is not necessarily because they dislike you, but because you're usually the one responsible for organizing get-togethers.
   • Think about the last few times you've gotten together with your friends. Were you the one who picked the place, made reservations, and sent out Facebook invitations? Are you consistently the one hosting or organizing? If so, your friends may not feel the need to contact you. They assume you'll contact them if something is going on.
   • There's nothing inherently wrong with a group dynamic in which one person is the leader. However, if you feel constantly planning things is taxing, ask your friends if they'll take the reins sometimes. Try not to be rude about it, but simply say you'd like to take a break from hosting and planning once in awhile.
2. Think about whether you fly under the radar. You may not be on the receiving end of a lot of contact if you fly under the radar in a group. If you're part of a social circle, but feel like a peripheral member, people may simply not think to include you. While this is not personal, it can feel frustrating. There are steps you can take to put yourself out there more if you feel like you go unnoticed.
   • How often do you talk in large social settings? If you tend to be more shy or introverted, you may find yourself remaining quiet a lot of the time and simply listening. You may also only be really close to one or two members of the group. Other group members may think of you as "Lisa's friend" or "Andy's roommate" rather than a full-fledged group member.
   • If you don't want to go unnoticed, take measures to assert yourself more. Try to participate in conversations when you're out with people. If you're shy and have a hard time in big group conversations, feel free to start side conversations of your own.
   • If you're new to a group, it can take a while for people to notice you. Try to give it time. Eventually, people will get to know you and begin contacting you more frequently.
3. Watch out for one-sided relationships. If you're always the one making contact, you may be in a one-sided friendship. These kinds of relationships are often not sustainable long-term. Learn the signs of a one-sided friendship. If you believe your friendship is far more give than take, consider finding different friends.
   • All friendships have a natural ebb and flow. At certain times, one person may be more needy or clingy due to difficult circumstances. However, if your friend is constantly focused on his or her own needs, and tends to only contact you when he or she needs something, this may be a sign the friendship is one-sided.
   • Honestly evaluate the friendship. Has this person ever checked in with you when you've been going through a difficult time? Do you feel like this person would be there if you were in need? If not, the friendship may be one-sided, which is not fair to you and your needs.
   • If you're not invested in saving the friendship, work on simply severing contact with this person. However, if you're interested in salvaging things, have a frank talk with your friend about how you feel. If someone is worth keeping around as a friend, he or she will make an effort to change to avoid hurting your feelings in the future.
4. Consider whether you're giving the wrong impression. If you don't get contacted all that often, you may be giving people the wrong impression of yourself. Consider how you act in groups. If you're more shy or reserved than others, you can come off as being disinterested or unfriendly. People may think you don't want to be contacted.
   • If you're worried you come off the wrong way, work on ways to compensate for shyness. Force yourself to talk to others, even if it's difficult. If you're worried about face-to-face interactions, try breaking the ice via social media. Comment on posts of friends. If you establish a solid connection via Facebook, this may make it easier for you to open up and talk in person. This can result in people contacting you more.
5. Explore your own insecurities. If you feel like you're not contacted enough, some of this may be in your head. You may be making assumptions about people's behavior that are not entirely accurate. Try to explore some of your own insecurities to see if there's really a problem between you and your friends.
   • Consider your past. If you had trouble making friends as a kid, you may be more insecure about your friendships as an adult. If you had an unstable relationship at some point, this may drive abandonment issues that can seep into friendship.
   • Try to assess the situation honestly. Do your friends really not contact you that often? Go through your phone, Facebook account, and e-mail. You may find you've been contacted far more than you realized.

Being a Desirable Friend

1. Avoid holding grudges. If you're the type to get angry or hold grudges, people will not be drawn to you naturally. Try to let go of past treatment and be empathetic of others. If a friend forgot to return a text, this is probably not worth getting upset over. If you're a kind, forgiving person, people will feel at ease around you. They'll be more likely to contact you, as they'll feel comfortable in your presence.
   • However, there's such a thing as being too forgiving. Remember to watch out for one-sided friends. At a certain point, it is appropriate to assert yourself. Letting go of small indiscretions does not mean you should put up with long-term mistreatment.
2. Alter your expectations. A lot of times, people have high or unreasonable expectations of their friends. Consider what you expect from those around you. Is it fair? Is it reasonable? If not, you may want to let go of certain expectations. This will help you relax more, allowing others to feel comfortable and welcome in your presence.
   • Do not pick your friends apart too quickly. Accept that your friends are imperfect and make mistakes. If a friend fails to return a text message, don't jump to accusing him or her of disrespect. It's not reasonable to expect text messages to always be returned. Chances are, you've failed to return a text or two as well at some point.
   • Understand your friends aren't going to match you all the time. While you may be excellent at returning e-mails and phone calls, other people are less organized. You can't expect your friends to be at your level in every respect. Chances are, there are things about you your friends find frustrating as well.
3. Show appreciation when you are contacted. Let people know you enjoy being included. Being gracious and kind will encourage people to contact you again. After a night out, for example, text a friend something like, "Thank you so much for including me tonight. I had a great time, and I appreciate the invite."

Tips

• On occasion, people do need space. If a friend wants some time alone, be respectful of this request.

Related Articles

• Maintain a Friendship
• Revive a Friendship
• Evaluate a Friendship
• Decide Whether or Not to End a Friendship after a Fight

Sources and Citations

See also

• Bond With Loved Ones
• Pull an All Nighter With a Friend
• Write an Email to a Friend
• Be Okay with Having a Communist Friend
• Find Many Ways to Have Fun with a Friend
• Find a Penpal
• Be Just Friends with a Member of the Opposite Sex
• Respect Your Friends
• Write a Letter to Your Penpal
• Improve Your Friendships

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