Fix Broken Trust

Once trust is broken in a relationship, it can be hard to rebuild. Healing from broken trust depends on the nature of your relationship, the circumstances of your mistake, and how you act after you’ve broken the other person’s trust. With the right apology, empathy, and healthy communication, you may be able to rebuild a healthy relationship.

Steps

Acknowledging the Broken Trust

  1. Decide when to apologize. Depending on what you’ve done wrong, you may be tempted to delay apologizing, apologize too soon, or apologize too much. Apologies that are not delayed tend to ease tension in the relationship and help with further conversation. Apologies for more significant events, like infidelity, are best when the person has had some time to fully process the event.
    • If you are a woman, keep in mind the tendency in our culture for women to apologize too frequently. This can make apologies seem less meaningful to the other person.[1]
  2. Give yourself a pep-talk. Before you apologize, take time to affirm yourself. This can help boost your ego, make your apology more sincere, and make the process of apologizing a little less uncomfortable.
    • Say things to yourself like “I am good enough,” “I am human,” “No one is perfect.”
    • Reflect on what you value, what gives you meaning in life, and what’s going well for you right now. This can help you feel better when you have to admit you’re wrong.[2]
  3. Apologize. While it may be uncomfortable and unpleasant to apologize to someone, it is essential for the health of your relationship to give the other person a good apology. Keep in mind the following elements of a good apology:[2]
    • Say you’re sorry, describe everything that happened without omission, and acknowledge how you have hurt the other person.
    • Listen to the other person’s feelings. Let them talk without trying to argue or reason with them. Be open to any questions they may ask you.
    • Avoid blaming them, getting defensive, or making excuses for your actions.
    • Express remorse. Apologies are empty if you do not mean what you say or if you blame the other person. Even though feelings of guilt and remorse are uncomfortable, expressing them shows that you care and that you are willing to work on your relationship.[3]
  4. Don’t expect forgiveness. Whoever you wronged has the right to their own feelings. While you showed great courage and vulnerability in opening up to your mistake, the other person does not have to forgive you and may choose to walk away from the relationship.[4]

Rebuilding Trust

  1. Take full responsibility for your actions. Talk to the other person about what you are willing to do to improve the situation. Give specific and realistic examples of what you will do to make it up to them. Most importantly, ask the other person what they need from you to rebuild trust and honor what they need.[4]
    • If you broke someone’s trust due to infidelity and you both agree you want to stay in your marriage, your partner may have many questions and requests. They may ask you to end the affair, and if you haven’t already this is something you should do first.
    • Your partner may also ask you about details of the affair, and in rebuilding trust it’s important to answer their questions honestly. Do not keep secrets.
    • Your partner might also ask you to check-in more frequently about where you go and who you spend time with, or pay closer attention to your phone calls and emails. Do not be defensive against these requests.[5]
  2. Seek help. Your natural inclination may be to avoid talking about the betrayal because of feelings of shame or embarrassment, but seeking help from a therapist or other professional will be healing.
    • If the broken trust occurred due to infidelity, commit to going to individual counseling, marriage counseling, couples counseling, or marriage education courses if your partner is willing. A licensed professional can help you address the underlying causes of the infidelity and other issues in your relationship. With counseling, you can establish healthier boundaries, expectations, and communication styles in a safe environment.[5]
    • It can take a year or more in counseling to work on broken trust in your relationship. Be patient and engaged in therapy, but keep in mind that it will be tough emotional work.[3]
  3. Communicate. Outside of counseling sessions, strive to connect by paying attention to how the other person is feeling, being open to talking about feelings, and trying to understand their perspective even if it’s different from yours.[6]give you
    • If you are unsure of how to communicate with your loved one, some good keys to communication are using I-statements such as “I feel…” or “I need…,” listening and reflecting back what the other person is saying, and expressing gratitude and appreciation.[7]
    • After an infidelity, it is particularly important that you share both positive and negative feelings with each other, don’t try to “fix” how the other person is feeling, show affection, and recognize when you fall back into old patterns that are damaging to the relationship.[8]
    • Try setting aside an hour each week to check-in on how you both are feeling. Share what you both have been doing that has been helpful, as well as what you both still need from each other.[9]
  4. Realize that all relationships suffer setbacks. Nobody is perfect and even the most normal, healthy relationships will experience moments of broken trust and misunderstanding. Most people, with time, patience, practice, and healthy communication skills, can work through their misunderstandings.[7]
    • If you’re a parent and your child or teenager has broken your trust, you have the challenge of teaching your child the importance of trust. They might not understand the limits you give them and become angry, so be clear about what things your child needs to do to keep the trust in your relationship. Keep your expectations low, be calm, and understand it may take time and practice for them to learn why trust is important.[10]

Forgiving

  1. Understand what forgiveness is. Forgiveness is about accepting what has happened and moving forward. It is not a denial of the betrayal or a justification of what the other person did. It does not guarantee that the other person won’t hurt you again, but it can bring you a sense of power and peace.[11]
    • You can choose not to forgive, but keep in mind that if you dwell on the broken trust, you might experience depression, anxiety, anger, and lack of connection with others.[12]
    • You can forgive someone without reconciling or staying in the relationship.
  2. Begin to forgive. You can start the process of forgiveness by reflecting on how the experience of broken trust has affected you and your relationship to the other person. You can also reflect on the positive times in your relationship. What do you miss about your relationship and how would you like to get back to that?[11] If you get stuck:[13]
    • Consider the other person’s perspective and what you would want if you were in their position.
    • Consider other times and experiences in life where your trust was broken or you broke someone’s trust. How were you able to forgive or were others able to forgive you?
    • Consider journaling, talking to a friend or loved one, or talking to a counselor to help guide you.
  3. Shift your emotions. Instead of replaying and reliving the hurt feelings in your head, try to shift your focus to looking for healthy relationships and experiences that bring you happiness, hope, and peace.[14]If you get overwhelmed in feeling the hurt while you’re trying to forgive, try practicing these techniques to ease your stress level:
    • Deep breathing
    • Meditation
    • Mindfulness exercises
  4. Learn and move on. Forgiveness is not complete without reflecting on what you’ve learned. Use this experience to set boundaries and expectations in future relationships. Above all, trust yourself. If you’re unable to move on and completely forgive just yet, it might be too difficult to be around the person who broke your trust.[12]

Warnings

  • Sometimes it is not possible to repair broken trust in relationships. Some betrayals, like acts of physical or sexual violence, are severe and warrant seeking help from a mental health professional, such as a psychologist, social worker, or counselor.
  • Some relationships, whether friendships or romantic in nature, can become toxic or abusive. Warning signs of abuse include, but are not limited to: If your partner belittles you, tries to control you, prevents you from making your own decisions, threatens to hurt you, forces you to do something you don’t want to do, and/or punishes you by withholding affection. Please seek help from a mental health professional, domestic violence shelter, or domestic violence hotline if you are experiencing any of these signs in your relationship.[15]

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ http://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2016/02/how-to-apologize/470457/
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2014/10/trick-that-will-make-your-next-apology-better.html
  3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/surviving_betrayal
  4. ↑ 4.0 4.1 http://marthabeck.com/2012/07/the-art-of-apology/
  5. ↑ 5.0 5.1 http://www.twoofus.org/educational-content/articles/rebuilding-trust-in-your-marriage-after-an-affair/index.aspx
  6. ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/john_gottman_on_trust_and_betrayal
  7. ↑ 7.0 7.1 http://healthservices.uindy.edu/counseling/coRelation.php
  8. ↑ http://www.therelationshipinstitute.org/downloads/resources-Betrayal-and-Trust-Building-Behaviors.pdf
  9. ↑ https://www.gottman.com/blog/askgottman-affairs-answers/
  10. ↑ http://centerforparentingeducation.org/library-of-articles/riding-the-waves-of-the-teen-years/when-your-teen-breaks-your-trust/
  11. ↑ 11.0 11.1 http://www.today.com/series/one-small-thing/gift-yourself-how-forgive-even-if-you-think-it-s-t89271
  12. ↑ 12.0 12.1 http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692
  13. ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692?pg=2
  14. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/heart-and-soul-healing/201301/9-steps-forgiveness
  15. ↑ http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/#tab-id-1
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