Give Up Control

While it’s healthy to exert some control over your life, such as keeping your finances in order, more control is not always better. It’s harder to try new things or think creatively when you’re too controlling, and the associated stress is bad for your health. If you are overly controlling, learning to lighten up can make your life more enjoyable. You can stop trying to control everything by changing your mindset, learning to live with imperfection, and working to become more open and flexible.

Steps

Cultivating a Relaxed Mindset

1. Identify areas of your life where you could relax a little. Think about which of your controlling behaviors are stressing you out or making your life more difficult. Ask yourself whether you’re trying to manage things which you can’t realistically control anyways, or whether you’re too perfectionistic in some areas.
   • For instance, you might want to improve your relationships by not trying to control other people’s behavior.
2. Adjust your expectations. Think about what kind of expectations you have of yourself, other people, and the world in general. If your standards are unrealistically high, bring them down to a more reasonable level. Focus on doing your best instead of doing everything.
   • If you’re not sure whether your expectations are reasonable or not, ask someone whose judgment you trust to give you their perspective.
   • For example, you might expect your nanny to discipline your children in the exact same way you do, but this may be unreasonable. Check with others to see if your expectations need adjusting.
3. Imagine the worst-case scenario. When you’re stressing about a situation or event, regain your perspective by asking yourself what the worst outcome could possibly be and whether you could handle it. You’ll probably realize that the world won’t fall apart, even if you can’t control the way something turns out.
   • For instance, if you’re worried about not knowing what to do at your new job, the worst-case scenario might be that you make a mistake or need to ask for help, neither of which are major catastrophes.
4. Practice mindfulness. Establish the habit of just being present in the world. Don’t judge what’s happening right now or worry about what might happen later. When you accept the present moment without expectations or criticism, you’ll realize it’s okay to not be in control of everything.
   • When you are in a mindful state, you’ll be able to recognize your urges for control and figure out where they’re coming from, instead of immediately acting on them.
   • Regular meditation can help you become more mindful.

Embracing Imperfection

1. Aim for progress, not perfection. Give up the idea of achieving perfection when you’re working towards a goal or establishing a new habit. Instead, just work on making regular progress. Try to improve on your own personal best, and be patient with yourself if you make mistakes along the way.
   • This strategy also works with other people. If you often feel frustrated with someone else’s flaws, focus on how they’re working to improve, not how they’re still falling short of your expectations.
2. Appreciate other people’s efforts. When you’re grateful for the things other people do, you’ll be less inclined to criticize or control them. Overlook others’ mistakes when you can, and focus on their good ideas, hard work, and other positive qualities instead.
   • Don’t forget to appreciate yourself as well. Make a daily or weekly habit of acknowledging the good choices you’ve made and the small victories you’ve achieved.
3. Prioritize. Don’t spread yourself too thin by trying to do everything perfectly. Decide which issues you really need to control and which ones don’t require so much effort. Put your energy into the important tasks first, and don’t stress yourself out over the others.
   • For instance, you need help with household chores because you have a big work deadline approaching. You might have to prioritize the work deadline and relax your principles on what describes a "clean" house. Or, you might have to be okay with the effort someone else puts in to tidy the home.

Striving for Openness

1. Stay flexible. Accept that sometimes things won’t go according to plan, no matter how much you prepare. When something goes wrong, take a deep breath, do your best to deal with the situation, and continue with your day. Try to find something positive in unexpected occurrences.
2. Trust more. Become more open to the goodness of other people, the world, and yourself. Build up your confidence in your own ability to adapt to the unknown. Realize that most situations will work out in the end, even if they don’t go the way you expect them to.
   • Strive to start giving people the benefit of the doubt. Open your heart and mind by giving them the chance to please you rather than automatically expecting people to let you down.
3. Be spontaneous. Enjoy seeing where each day takes you. Cultivate a sense of fun, and allow yourself to deviate from your routine sometimes. Try different things, say yes to new opportunities, and challenge yourself when you get the chance.
   • You can make room in your life for spontaneity by planning not to plan sometimes. Take a walk with no destination in mind, or keep one afternoon a week free of commitments so you can do whatever you feel like.
4. Let others take over. If it’s not critically important that you handle a task yourself, ask someone else to do it. Delegating can feel scary if you’re used to being in control, but once you realize that other people are capable of getting things done too, you’ll feel less pressured to take care of everything yourself.
   • For example, you could ask your kids to take over some of the household chores, or delegate part of a big project to a co-worker.
   • When you give someone else a job, don’t try to micromanage the way they do it. Give them a chance to do it their own way, even if their method is different from yours.

Sources and Citations

See also

• Build Self‐Control
• Know That You Are Beautiful
• Stop Running Away from Yourself
• Do Anything
• Be the Best of Yourself
• Overcome Low Self Esteem
• Develop Self‐Esteem
• Be Assertive
• Be a Man
• Be Your Own Hero

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