Heal After a Divorce

Divorces can be painful, yet you are capable of positively moving on with your life. When dealing with difficult emotions, acknowledge and express them instead of masking or ignoring them. Find it within yourself to forgive your ex and also yourself. Get support by staying close to family and friends or seeing a therapist. Finally, create and rediscover parts of yourself in ways that help you move forward.

Steps

Working Through Your Emotions

1. Feel your emotions. While it’s easier to shove your feelings away or cover them in anger, this doesn’t help your healing. Take some time to grieve and feel the gamut of your emotions. There may be days you feel overwhelmingly sad, or others when you feel loving or forgiving toward your ex, and still others when you feel fear, relief, resentment, or confusion. Whatever you’re feeling, allow yourself to actually feel it and not push it away.
   • If you need to laugh, cry, stomp your feet, or watch sad movies, respond to your emotions and allow yourself to feel them.
2. Focus on yourself. It’s often easier to blame your ex than to take responsibility for yourself. However, keep the focus on yourself. Step away from blaming and anger and focus on your own healing. Blaming your ex might make you feel justified in your feelings, but it won’t help you along on your healing journey.
   • When you start to think of all the ways your ex has wronged you or hurt you, shift the focus onto yourself. Ask yourself how you have grown or learned from the situation and decide how you will move forward with your own life.
3. Stop dwelling on negative feelings. Anger, blame, resentment, and bitterness can drain your energy quickly and ultimately keep you in the same place without moving forward. While it’s normal to be upset and think about things in the past, don’t dwell on negative feelings toward your ex. Remind yourself that these feelings won’t help you move forward.
   • If you find yourself stuck in these feelings, accept them and move on. For example, say, “I’m angry at my ex, but it doesn’t have to affect my day.”

Coping Effectively

1. Do calming activities. Find some healthy outlets for stress through relaxation. Divorce can keep stress levels high, so get in the habit of performing stress-relieving activities daily for 30 minutes. Relaxation can also help you cope with depression and stabilize your moods.
   • If you don’t know where to start, try daily yoga or and meditation. You can also journal, listen to music, take a walk, or read a book.
2. Practice forgiveness. Forgiveness can be an important part of the healing process. Forgive yourself for the choices you’ve made. Then, forgive your ex for the pain they have caused you. Forgiving them doesn’t mean you have to forget what happened or how they hurt you. It’s for your own health and well-being in allowing yourself to move on.
   • Forgiveness helps you release the resentments and anger you hold toward your ex or your divorce and allows you to move forward in a positive direction.
3. Avoid coping through alcohol and drugs. While alcohol and drugs may give you a temporary escape, they won’t help you heal and move forward with your life. Especially if you’ve had a problem in the past with alcohol or drugs, now is not the time to return to them. Avoid putting yourself at risk, especially if you feel stressed. Stress can cause relapse, even if you’ve been abstinent for a long time.
   • If you’re struggling to cope without turning to drugs or alcohol, get some support. Join a support group, call a sponsor, or spend time with sober friends and family.

Getting Support

1. Spend time with family and friends. Surround yourself with people who love and support you. Be with people who help you feel positively, who truly listen to you, and who help you. Talk to people who are willing to listen to you without judgment or criticism.
   • It can be helpful to gain perspective and ask for advice from friends who have also gone through a divorce.
2. See a therapist. If you’re having a hard time coping or you feel like the divorce has led you into feelings of depression, it’s time to see a therapist. A therapist can help you identify and cope with your feelings as well as help you find coping strategies to relax and deal with stress. They can help you create a plan to move forward with your life.
   • Find a therapist by calling your insurance provider or local mental health clinic. You can also ask for a recommendation from your physician or from a friend or family member.
3. Attend a support group. You may choose to meet other divorcees through a support group. These are great places to make connections, share your experience, ask for advice, and give and receive support. Group members may offer recommendations for professionals (such as therapists or lawyers) and can help support you through this difficult time.
   • Look for a support group in your local community or find an online-based group.

Exploring Your New Beginning

1. Explore new interests. A divorce is both a beginning and an end. Instead of dwelling in the past, create an exciting present for yourself. Try something you’ve always wanted to do but felt you couldn’t. Do something that excites you or scares you and embrace this new period in your life.
   • For example, if you’ve always wanted to paint but never seemed to get around to it, pick it up now. Go hiking, take a road trip, study martial arts or plant a garden.
2. Rediscover yourself. Maybe there are parts of yourself that you tucked away while married that you can now rediscover. You may not remember what it was like to be single, so reconnect to the things you enjoyed when you were single. For example, if you used to love skiing yet your partner didn’t like the cold, now is your opportunity to dive back in and do something you love. You can reconnect with who you used to or want to be.
   • Think back to activities you enjoyed, places you liked to go, and people you may have cut out of your life.
3. Get involved with spirituality. Some people find solace in faith and spirituality following a difficult time in life. Whether you’re currently involved, want to get back into a faith, or you’re curiously seeking something outside of yourself, seeking out a spiritual practice can help you feel supported and guided during this difficult time.
   • Get involved in a church, synagogue, stake, mosque, or another spiritual center. It can feel good to contribute to something bigger than yourself. Connect with other like-minded people.
   • You can also get involved in a self-practice. Try meditating or reading sacred texts. Talk with other people who are spiritual and share your views.
4. Avoid jumping into dating too quickly. Some people jump into dating as a way to experience their freedom from marriage. However, it can be a cover-up for the pain or confusion you feel in dealing with a divorce. If you think dating will help you heal, take some time before you start seeing new people. Make sure you’re emotionally ready to be with someone else. If you are with someone, don’t be afraid to take your time and go slowly in building a relationship.
   • If you’re dating as a way to forget the pain your divorce is causing, take a step back and consider focusing on yourself.