Make a Relationship Work if You're in College

Maintaining a healthy relationship while in college can be tricky, whether you’re both attending the same school or if you’re trying to make it work long distance. But it is not impossible! There are many ways to make any college relationship work, whether you live close by or far apart.

Steps

Living Close By

1. Make time for each other. College brings along all kinds of new challenges, especially in your first year. You may suddenly be very busy with classes, social activities, and studying. But, you will need to prioritize your significant other and make sure you give them an appropriate amount of time and attention.
   • Even though it’s important to give your boyfriend or girlfriend your attention, it will need to be a balance. You are obviously in college because you want to succeed in school, so make sure you are giving the right amount of time to all of your academic responsibilities.
   • Sometimes, combining the priorities of school and a significant other can work, too—try having study dates, or doing homework together.
2. Don’t lose yourself in your relationship. Similarly to making your significant other a priority and making time for them, you need to make sure you make time for yourself.
   • Taking time for yourself might seem like an easy thing to do, but you might find out it can be difficult! If you are having trouble making time for yourself, put it in your planner or on your calendar, and make sure not to schedule anything else during that time.
3. Try not to not smother one another. If you go to the same school, or even take some of the same classes, the two of you might begin to feel a little overwhelmed from too much time together. Make sure to pencil some alone time into your schedule.
4. Communicate with one another. Talk to each other honestly and openly. Do not harbor any secrets or grievances. These omissions can end up weakening your bond, especially when they finally come out.
   • Simply talking isn’t necessarily good communication. Make sure you are really listening to your significant other rather than just waiting for your turn to speak.
   • An advantage of living near your boyfriend or girlfriend through college is that when you communicate with them, you can also read into their body language. For example, folded arms might indicate defensiveness, while a lack of making eye contact might signal disinterest or even shame.

Living Far Away

1. Take advantage of technology. Long distance relationships are much easier to maintain today than they were a long time ago. With text messaging, social media, and video chatting, technology can allow long distance couples to feel closer to one another, even when they are far apart.
   • There are apps for smartphones that allow you and your partner to touch your thumbs to the same spot on the screen and your phone will emit a vibration.
   • Video chatting services like Skype and FaceTime allow for those in long distance relationships to have face-to-face conversations rather than just talking on the phone. Download a video chatting service and get a webcam! Most new laptops come with web-cameras built in.
   • It’s safe to say that most people use text messaging very often in their everyday lives. Use it as a way of sending messages and photos to your significant other while you are apart. It will help you feel more connected and more like you are a part of each other’s day-to-day lives.
2. Acknowledge the needs of both partners. If you go to college far away from one another and decide to maintain a long distance relationship, make sure you are both clear on what you expect from one another.
   • Be open and honest about your needs and where you want the relationship to go. Don’t be afraid to tell your significant other if your needs aren’t being met, or if you think you both should work towards making some changes.
3. Avoid comparing this relationship to relationships you have had in the past. A long distance relationship, particularly one that is made more difficult by the stresses and responsibilities that come along with college life, is an entirely different entity than the average, geographically close relationship.
4. Budget for visits. As college students, you are more than likely living on a small budget. With tuition, rent, food, and transportation costs, college is an expensive time in anyone’s life. So, budgeting for trips to visit your significant other might seem like a difficult task.
   • Book airline tickets well in advance. A few months to about 8 weeks before is a good window for purchasing. You can even create a price alert on some travel websites and get an e-mail or text alert when plane tickets for your route go down.
   • Try planning a trip to a third location—rather than you going to see them or them coming to see you, plan to meet in the middle, or meet up in some other fun, interesting location. Not only will it keep things interesting, but the effort will feel more balanced on both sides.
   • Consider taking a bus. It isn’t as time efficient, but new express bus services in the US can take you pretty long distances for a low fee.

Establishing a Healthy Relationship

1. Set boundaries and expectations early on. Whether you live near one another or far apart, it is still important to discuss boundaries for your relationship. This includes physical and non-physical boundaries.
   • Don’t be quick to assume your partner feels the same about any given thing as you do. Establishing boundaries can help eliminate that instinct and allow for better communication and a more healthy relationship.
   • When setting boundaries, try not to use language like “never” or “always.” These are less likely to last because they are absolute and unrealistic.
2. Establish good communication habits. Don’t keep important things to yourself. Speak up, but also be willing to listen when your partner has something to say. If you establish good communication early on, it will set you up for a healthier relationship.
   • Don’t physically leave (or hang up the phone) is your discussion is not over. Walking out in the middle of a discussion will only make the problem bigger and last longer.
   • Being in a long distance relationship can make it difficult to justify spending your rare physical time together having serious discussions about feelings or issues, but doing so is important.
3. Be up-front and honest about your sexual relationship. Since you are in college and no longer in high school, it is likely you might choose to engage in a sexual or intimate relationship with your girlfriend or boyfriend. Just make sure you are ready to discuss these important things with your partner.
   • Just because you are in a relationship does not give automatic consent. Consent is “affirmative, voluntary, and sober.” It can also be taken away at any time by either partner. Make sure both partners have always given clear consent.
   • Both partners should consider getting tested for STDs prior to becoming intimate. One in four people under the age of 25 has a sexually transmitted disease. Practice safe sex.
4. Discuss and set “rules” regarding sexual fidelity. Especially in long distance relationships, this is very important to discuss with your partner. If you are in a monogamous relationship, then infidelity could lead to the end of that relationship.
   • Be open with your partner about your beliefs and opinions on what constitutes cheating, and what cheating could mean for your relationship.
5. Be present for one another. Your lives will be hectic—between school, work, and personal commitments, it will be easy to feel stressed out and disconnected. But when you are together, really be there with your significant other in the moment, and give them your attention.
   • If you stay focused in the moment, even small arguments will be less likely to expand into bigger deals. Don’t let an argument about what to make for dinner end up snowballing into an argument about other, bigger things.
6. Support one another through your successes and be there for one another when things don’t go as planned. This will help build trust and loyalty with your significant other.
7. Be as understanding as possible. If you and your significant other are both college students, there will have to be a good amount of give and take.
   • Be understanding when your boyfriend or girlfriend is very busy with school or work. If you are understanding with them, they will be better able to return the favor when you get busy.
   • If you find your schedules are especially conflicting and you are finding it harder and harder to be understanding when your plans get broken due to other commitments, try talking it out with one another and making a schedule that you can both stick to.

Tips

• If your grades start to slip due to focusing too much on a relationship, let your boyfriend or girlfriend know, and work to re-balance your priorities.
• Try getting involved together in a social activity at school. Not only will it allow you to spend time together, but also to be involved at school.

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Sources and Citations

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