Parents and Children
Several parents told me that they are worrying about the current unemployment situation among college graduates and asked me what will happen in the next few years when their children graduate from college. Of course, no one can predict the future job market because many things can change quickly. The only thing I can advise them is they must look beyond the current situation toward the better future because having a good education is still the best investment that they can make today. However, like any investment, they must plan, review, and monitor their children progress to make sure that it is moving toward the expected results.
Parents invest in children’s education with an expectation that they will get educated and be able to build careers that give them comfortable living. That is why some parents do have a lot of influence over the career choices of their children but they must be realistic too. Not every child can be a Medical doctor, a Pharmacist, or a Software engineer. Children do best when they study something that they like and fit their abilities. Of course, they need “good advices” from parents but parents also need to listen to their children’s opinions to understand them. Together, they could come up with a reasonable career choices that satisfy both.
It is important to distinguish the difference between “Telling” and “Advising” and the difference between an “Authority role” and an “Advisor role”. Because parents have spent many years nurturing, caring, teaching, and also “Telling” their children what to do, somehow they do not realize that their children are now “Young adults”. As young adults, they do need support from parents but they also want to have some independences that allow them to make their own decisions. This is NOT easy, especially for Asian parents because the “Tradition” that parents are the “Authority” and children must “Obey” parents is still strong. To switch from being the “Authority” to an “Advisor” is a new concept that many may NOT accept. This is where “parent-children conflict” happens, especially when they force their children to study something that they do not want or may not have the ability.
As a Professor, I have seen many students struggled with subjects that they did not like and could not pass the course. I have seen many student failed and quit school because they did not have the ability to complete what their parents wanted them to study. Many of them believed that they are not “smart enough” to do anything. Many also develop “inferior complex” and “negative self images” that will hurt them for the rest of their lives. This tragedy happens often in Asia, when I taught in China and Japan, I noticed that every year there are students who committed suicides when they failed a course or an exam as they did not meet their parents’ expectations. To avoid this, it is important for both parents and children to have more time with each others to discuss, to listen and to understand. In this very busy time, both parents and children need to spend more time than ever to really “understand” each others.
For most parents, go to college is a major investment for their children’s future so it is important to prepare as early as possible. Do NOT wait until your children almost complete high-school then talk to them about college. In the U.S. most parents discuss college education when their children begin high-school or at least three or four years before college so their children can prepare and be ready. If parents have been preparing their children for being responsible for their own actions and focus on certain area then it will be much easier. A responsible children can make their own decisions, finding their own interested area and building their own careers. In that case, parents only need to offer “little advices’ to help their children make decision on selecting their field of study based on their abilities and interests.
The next step is selecting schools. Parents need to know that NOT all colleges are equal, NOT all curricula are most updated, NOT all professors are well-trained, and the reputation of the school could be a major determination of the students’ future. Parents must carefully select the right schools, the right curricula, and the right place to invest in their children’s education. In the U.S., most of the “Top universities” are privates and each has their own specialty so American parents do know where to send their children, depend on their career choices. In other countries, there are also “Top universities” but it is difficult to distinguish their specialties. This is where parents must investigate. For example, if the school is famous in science and technology but you enroll your children to study art and literature then maybe it is not a good choice. In the U.S. you can assume that students to go to HarvardUniversity because they want to be in position of leadership in government, politics, or manage large companies. If students go to Yale then maybe they are interested more in laws, policies, and legal systems. Of course, Stanford and Carnegie Mellon are well known for Information technology and computer science. Selecting the right schools is probably the most important choice that parents can make for their children. Many students often select schools based on where their friends go to rather than the reputation or the curriculum.
Parents need to understand that college is also the time many “young adults” are facing challenges that they never encountered before. As part of “growing up” they must solve some challenges by themselves. They must figure out how to overcome the loneliness issue, especially when some of their friends are having boyfriends or girlfriends. They must learn how to balance priorities in school and at the same time dealing with the pressure to “Fit in” with schoolmates. They have to develop good study habit at the same time building relationship with college friends. These are tremendous pressure for a young person and many could not handle it well. That is why the best way is to have an “open and honest” discussion between parents and children. Parents need to listen more to “understand” their children rather than tell them what to do. “Listening” is a key aspect to move toward better relationship because the more you listen, the better you understand. The better you understand, the more you can give better advise. The best advice is to understand and support your children to make their own decision after they have taken into consideration all the facts regarding their choices. It is not easy as parents to listen, as many still are considering them as “the authority” rather than “the advisor”. To build the “understanding bridge” between parents and children and to avoid miscommunication, misunderstanding and any missteps later, it is essential that both sides “listen” to each others.
Because education is the most important investment parents can make, they need to constantly monitor their children progress to make sure that it is moving toward the expected results. Many parents send children to school, pay for their tuitions but do not monitor the progress. Either they are too busy or do not know how. Many only check the examination result at the end of the year to see if the children pass or fail, but usually it is TOO LATE. Monitoring involves regularly discussions with their children and with the school on a periodic basis (monthly or bi-monthly). Many students told me that they are “College students” and they felt embarrassing when their parents called me and asked about their progresses. I told them “Aren’t you glad that you still have parents that love you and care for you? Do you know how many students in school that do not have parents? Do you know how many students only have a single parent? Do you know how many of them do not have anyone that concern about their progress?” With information technology, everything can be on-line where parents can easily check progress, check quizzes and test scores easily. I know some students do not like it and feel uncomfortable about their parents looking into their records. However, I believe if parents invest in the education of their children, they should have the right to monitor it so they can correct it, when it does not move toward the expected results. As a professor, I always add comments into the on-line grade report to provide additional information about students’ progress. Instead of just the grade or score, a few sentences would make a parents feel very proud or alert them on something that they need to know.
With many countries are still recovered from the economic crisis. The job market may be weak and companies are still reluctant to hire. If students graduated but could not find jobs, my recommendation to parents is they should encourage their children to “volunteer” working for companies with no pay or minimum salary, or working for some charity organizations so that some day when the job market is getting better, at least these graduates have worked and have experiences. That would be much better than allow them to stay home, cook for them, give them money to buy the latest iPhones, iPads, or play computer games all days and learn bad habits.
If we look back in history, every crisis is a turning point for something better because it forces people to create new ideas, new things and new industries. After the U.S recession of 1978, there was the emerging of the electronic and personal computer industry. Both Apple and Microsoft were found during that time. After the “Dot-com” bust of 2001, many companies were eliminated but it strengthened companies such as Amazon, eBay and created Google. So as a software professional, I am optimistic that there will be new innovations, new ideas, new companies and new industries emerge from this economic bad time.
Because this crisis is global, I think we will see a turning point that changes many things. Some countries will NOT recover and some countries will emerge as the new powers. We are at the beginning of the new era, where everything is connected. This will create a balancing effect as the over-supply in one place will help the under-supply of another. At this time, many countries are trying to figure out on what to do. Some may not want to do anything but wait. What happens next will determine which country will move forward and which will be pushed back and it all depending on the knowledge and skills of their citizens. A country with highly educated citizens, with highly skilled workers and strong education systems will be in much better chance to gain significant advantages and will dominate over others.
More than anything else, an investment in education of your children is the best thing that any parents can do today. More than anything else, an investment in education is the best thing a government can do to its citizens today. More than anything else, having a good, up-to-date education training programs, having a well-trained group of professors, and a well-selected college students who are motivated to study are the best things that can happen to any country.
Sources
- Blogs of Prof. John Vu, Carnegie Mellon University
