Support Someone Diagnosed With Cancer

A cancer diagnosis is a devastating moment in someone's life. When someone you know is diagnosed with cancer, it can come as a shock. It's normal to feel very emotional, and even angry. Once you have begun to process the news, you can start thinking about how to help your friend. There are many things you can do to support someone diagnosed with cancer. You can demonstrate how much you care through your words and actions. It's a tough situation, but you can make a big difference in your friend's life by being supportive.

Steps

Demonstrating that You Care

1. Be a good listener. One of the best ways to show your support is by letting your friend know that you are ready to listen. Tell her that you understand that she may not want to talk about her illness, but that when she does, you'll be there. Don't assume that your friend already knows this. It's always welcome to hear that someone is ready to be there for you.
   • Be an active listener. Don't just listen, participate in the conversation. Indicate that you are engaged by responding with nods of the head, maintaining eye contact, and making appropriate facial expressions.
   • Ask questions. Don't interrupt your friend, but at appropriate pauses, ask questions to indicate that you are listening. Try saying something like, "So, you'll be going for treatment three days a week, right? Will you have a set schedule, or will it vary?"
2. Acknowledge their feelings. Receiving a cancer diagnosis is clearly a very emotional experience. Make it clear to your friend that you understand that they will be going through a range of feelings. Don't try to project your own feelings onto her, and don't try to neglect their emotions.
   • Your friend might tell you that she is scared. For many people, it is a natural response to say something like, "Don't worry, you'll be fine." Try to avoid brushing aside your friend's feelings, even though you mean well.
   • Acknowledge their feelings by paraphrasing. For example, you can say, "I hear you saying that you're scared that you won't be around to see your kids grow up. That must be a terrifying feeling. How can I help?"
3. Make extra time for them. Try to be flexible when making plans with your friend. Be aware that they will probably need some extra support. Let them know that you are available to keep them company whenever they want. But you should also be careful not to overstay your welcome. They will likely tire easily, so be aware that while your visits might be more frequent, they might also be shorter.
   • Be available, but also be normal. Try to treat your friend as you always have. Their health might have changed, but she's still the same person. For example, if the two off you have typically joked and teased each other a lot, don't stop.
   • Try to keep doing activities that are typical. Maybe the two of you used to have a standing date to go see a movie each weekend. Your friend might not be up for that, but you can still over to come over for a Netflix and popcorn night.
4. Keep up morale. It is natural that you will also be upset by your friend's diagnosis. It's totally okay to cry together and let them know that you are upset. Just don't let that be all you do. Remember, you are there to support her.
   • Try to find some positive things to discuss with your friend. You don't have to provide false cheer or optimism, but you also shouldn't be afraid to tell them that you scored a big promotion or had a great first date.

Finding Ways to Be Helpful

1. Ask what you can do. Often, the best way to know how you can help is to ask your friend what they need. You can also ask specific questions, such as "Do you need a ride to your chemo appointment?" This will let them know that you are willing to do specific tasks, and you're not just making a vague offer.
   • If your friend has children, offer to take them off of their hands once or twice a week. They can get some rest and you can provide the kids with some fun.
2. Do small things. Sometimes we take for granted our ability to complete what seem like ordinary, everyday tasks. When your friend is diagnosed with cancer, they might feel overwhelmed by everyday life. Offer to help run simple errands, such as going to the post office or dry cleaners'.
   • Often, our natural instinct is to send food (and lots of it) when someone is sick. Unfortunately, cancer patients offer suffer from a loss of appetite. Instead of loading them down with casseroles, ask your friend if you can go grocery shopping for them. Have them provide a list of things that sound good to them.
3. Talk to the family. Remember, it's not just your friend who is going through a tough time.Their family is also going through a very emotional situation. Try talking to their spouse, parents, or kids, if appropriate. Let them know that you are there to lean on and offer to help in any way that you can.
   • If your friend is married, you could say something like, "I know you're going through a hard time, too. Let me know if you want me to keep Ann company while you go relax with your friends some evening."
4. Participate in the cause. A great way to show that you care is by working to find a cure for cancer. There are many great organizations that have regular fundraising events. Look for one in your area and sign up.
   • Simple ways to show support for friends or family members with cancer include the #NoHairSelfie. One can either physically or virtually shave their head, take a picture, share the image of themselves on social media and raise money for cancer research. In addition to being a symbol of courage for your loved one, sharing your selfie with friends and family brings together a community of support for your loved one.
   • Alternately, for specific types of cancer such as breast cancer, one can look into walking in one of the three day walks organized by the Susan G. Komen Foundation. Don't forget to wear a shirt with your friend's name on it to further show your support.
   • No matter which activity you engage in, recruit others to join you. Building a committed and active support network is a great way to show your friend that you are dedicated to helping them in the fight against cancer.

Understanding the Situation

1. Learn about the diagnosis. Cancer is complex, and every individual has a different case. In order to help your friend, you need to learn about your friend's particular type of cancer. If she's not up to talking about it, do some research on your own. You can get information from your doctor or local hospital.
   • Learn to speak the language. For example, cancer is diagnosed in stages. Find out whether your friend is Stage 1 (non-invasive) or Stage 4 (invasive and most advanced).
   • If it seems appropriate, ask about the prognosis. You don't want to be too aggressive when asking questions, but if your friend seems to want to talk, ask questions to let them know that you are interested and that you care.
2. Ask questions about the treatment. Once you understand what type of cancer your friend has, you can start to learn about the type of treatment. Often, cancer is treated with surgery. Other times, chemotherapy is the first step. If you don't understand what your friend is talking about, ask. They'll be glad you are concerned.
   • If your friend is set to have surgery, help her plan for her post-surgery care. Make sure she knows you're around to walk their dog. You can also help out by bringing magazines and treats to the hospital.
   • If your friend is going through chemotherapy, you can offer to keep her company during the treatments. Take along a deck of cards or download some great T.V. shows on their iPad. They'll be glad to have distractions.
3. Know what to expect. Cancer takes a huge toll on a person, both physically and emotionally. Learn some of the common issues cancer patients deal with. By knowing what to expect, you will be better prepared to support your friend.
   • Be aware that your friend might look physically different. For example, they might suffer from hair and weight loss.
   • Feeling extremely tired is another side effect. Be patient with your friend if they doze off while you are spending time together. They might also be more forgetful than usual, so don't be offended if they forget some details of a story you told them.
4. Get advice. This cancer diagnosis is difficult for your friend, but it is also difficult for you. Make sure that you have a good support system around you to help you cope with your emotions. If you know others who have been in the same situation, ask for advice on how they dealt with all of their feelings.
   • Consider talking to a therapist if you are having trouble coping with your sadness.
   • Be kind to yourself. It takes a lot of energy to support a loved one who is going through cancer, so make sure to take time for yourself and relax.

Tips

• Take breaks. Even during periods of intense, hands-on care, you need refresher breaks. Get someone else to stand in for those times so that you can go out and do something different from bedside vigils, chemotherapy ward duty, listening to worries all day long. You will be better for it and more likely to remain understanding and helpful as a result.
• Talk about new and interesting things, not just about the disease. Try to distract them from thinking about if it seems like they need a break.
• There are times when you will probably feel resentful, angry, worn out. These are normal feelings and they don't last.

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