Act Like You Didn't Fart

Passing gas is a natural bodily function that happens to everybody, but that doesn't mean it can't still be pretty embarrassing in the wrong setting. Odor and noise might be off-putting to people nearby and make it obvious that you were the one responsible, leaving you to soak up the shame. An accidental fart at the wrong place and time can lead to some uncomfortable situations, but there are a few smooth ways to cover a southbound wind should you have one slip out by mistake.

Steps

Dealing With it Subtly

  1. Don't react to it. This is rule number 1. The surest way to let everyone know it was you is to immediately look worried or ashamed. If you're around others and one gets loose, don't overreact—in fact, don't react at all. This is the opposite of what most people do when they accidentally leak one, so a strong display of ignorance will point people's suspicions another way.
    • If the fart is too loud or smells too bad to realistically ignore, you may have to orchestrate an escape plan. Look perplexed, create a distraction and get out of there.
  2. Go about your business. Not only should you not look embarrassed if you accidentally fart, you should carry on with whatever activity you were seeing to as though nothing happened. If you don't actively "pause" the moment by showing surprise, others may not notice at all, and if they do, they'll probably have the dignity not to question who the culprit was.[1]
    • It's not uncommon to detect strange noises without knowing the source, and there will be no reason for anyone to assume that the sound they heard was a fart, or that it came from you in particular.
  3. Cast aspersions. Maybe you've successfully stifled a violent eruption, but the stench is starting to creep in: what now? Don't quietly accept the blame. Look around and feign disgust or confusion to let everyone know it could have been any one of them. Most people will be too concerned about others thinking they did it to be motivated to get to the bottom of things.
    • Be sure not to directly accuse a particular person of the indiscretion. Since you're trying to sidestep embarrassment yourself, pinning it on someone else is a dishonorable move.
    • Some light laughter can help alleviate the awkwardness of the situation whether others suspect it was you or not.
  4. Blame the dog. If it isn't broken, why fix it? Just blame the dog, if there happens to be one around, for an especially offensive intestinal assault. The dog won't mind. They're used to being guilty of this kind of thing. Babies also make sterling scapegoats for the more experienced fart-hider—some might even find it cute if they think it was the innocent, artless newborn, never knowing that it was actually you, praying that you don't need a diaper change of your own.[2]
    • You'll need to stick pretty close to the dog if you want this tactic to be convincing. People will eventually catch on if they keep getting musky whiffs while Fido is all the way across the living room.

Covering Your Trail

  1. Isolate yourself. Take a moment and politely excuse yourself to leave the room. Your company will think you're simply going to wash your hands or smoke a cigarette, or that you've left something in the other room, when in reality you're being courteous enough to withdraw after deploying your chemical weapons on the general populace.
    • While this is the most civilized and secretive method, make a break for it after siphoning some sulfur won't always be possible. If you happen to be in a time and place where you can't justify excusing yourself, you may have to try out another approach.
  2. Walk it off. Give yourself a reason to walk away after an accidental fart. This is perhaps the best damage control scenario when airing one out in the open, for several reasons. First, the motion of walking will help wave away the emission, getting it gone faster. Second, whatever smell is produced will quickly dissipate in the open air, and you'll already be moving away from the source of the stink. Lastly, the commotion of breaking into a walk will provide a welcome diversion after the sound should there be any, and the gust itself will be harder to identify with the surrounding distractions.[3]
  3. Join a crowd. With more people around, it will become impossible to tell exactly who broke wind. This strategy requires a bit of a poker face, as it's likely that someone in the group may have heard or smelled the outburst, but you're relying on the good social graces of others not to draw attention to it out of fear that someone will think it was them.[4]
    • If you're the type who blushes easily or don't think you're capable of pulling one over on an unsuspecting crowd, consider finding another place to take refuge after easing out a surprise fart. If this method fails, it will leave you in the middle of a flock of people who are all likely to find out that it was you that, in fact, dealt it.

Avoiding Accidents (Doing it Discreetly)

  1. Bend or crouch. If you feel a breeze coming on down below and circumstances allow, get into a position where you can bend over or crouch down. In these positions the bowels are less obstructed, which means you can let loose without worrying as much about waking the neighbors. Doing this will not mitigate the smell if there are discerning noses around, however.[5]
    • This method may be a lifesaver to those who work physical jobs or often partake in activities where they can move around freely, especially if you have the added advantage of being outside.
  2. Mask it with other noise. When you're in a crowded room or roaring movie theater this won't be much of an issue. But if you're in the quiet living room of your in-laws' home, you may need a sonic diversion. Coughing, exclaiming loudly and dropping objects are all time-tested openings for stealth cheese-cutting, but you're free to get as creative as you please: work the toot into a well-timed bout of laughter, or wait until someone opens a bag of chips.[6]
    • Don't be too obvious about the cover noise you're generating. Act natural. And, of course, if the problem gets to be too much for you to handle at an important social event, you may have to just bite the bullet and let it go.
  3. Choose a soft surface for sitting. The softer and more plush a seating surface is, the more it will act as soundproofing for your down-under disruptions. Pick an office or conference chair that can withstand the brunt of your blasts, and opt for the worn old sofa over the swanky leather recliner whenever possible. As long as you're careful, you should be able to expel as much flatulence as you need without ever having to get up.[7]
    • Avoid hard surfaces, such as park benches or wooden chairs, or "reflective" surfaces, like leather and hard rubber, when you're gassy. The acoustics of these materials tend to amplify the vibrations of impactful sounds, and if your antagonist fart happens to be too powerful, it will be like advertising.

Tips

  • Be cautious about coughing, laughing or sneezing if you're about to burst. The shockwave may cause you to lose control.
  • If you try to cover up your fart with cough or other common sound, you need to have good timing. Making a sound too early or too late will make the fart more noticeable. The second you feel it about to come out, ready your distraction.
  • Don't ever try too hard to push out a fart; the consequences may be disastrous. When an accident of that magnitude occurs, there's no covering it up.
  • If someone does the unthinkable and outright asks if you farted, you can either continue to deny it or own up and make it a cause for humor. Remember, everybody does it. It's not the end of the world!

Warnings

  • There's a time and place for everything. While farting is a totally normal and healthy thing to do, it can be construed as rude and inappropriate in many situations. Know when it's okay to surreptitiously let one slide and when you're better off holding it a little longer.
  • Avoid spicy foods, high-fat dairy, legumes and any other dietary choices that may be causing excessive bloating and flatulence. Preventative measures are always better than cleaning up a mess later (no pun intended).[8]

Related Articles

  • Fart in Public Without People Hearing You
  • Fart Quietly
  • Disguise Your Farts

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vaFRZuBw9JM
  2. ↑ http://barkpost.com/fart-chart/
  3. ↑ http://lifehacker.com/how-to-fart-in-public-and-get-away-with-it-1738843195
  4. ↑ http://jezebel.com/5843978/master-the-art-of-subtle-public-farting
  5. ↑ http://scicurious.scientopia.org/2013/07/05/friday-weird-science-the-best-pose-for-passing-gas/
  6. ↑ http://www.vice.com/en_uk/read/what-makes-a-fart
  7. ↑ http://brobible.com/guyism/article/comprehensive-guide-farting-around-girlfriend/
  8. ↑ http://www.cnn.com/2011/HEALTH/expert.q.a/11/17/flatulence.foods.jampolis/
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