Pass Gas in Bed Without Anyone Noticing
When you're sharing your bed with someone (married or not) the potential for an innocent emission to become an embarrassing blunder is immense. Follow these somewhat fail proof steps to keep your partner's respect level the same as it was before you got horizontal. While not limited to the bed, the same technique when mastered can be applied to any number of more public places, such as elevators, cars, waiting in line etc.
Contents
Steps
- Position yourself on your back, lying flat with your hands on your sides. Try not to call too much attention to yourself. Be natural.
- Slowly slide your hands under your buttocks with your palms placed upward. Left palm on the left buttock and right palm on the right buttock with the thumbs pointing out away from each other.
- Firmly position the tips of your fingers on the crevice edge of the buttocks and slowly spread your cheeks apart. You want to do this slowly and until your sphincter is sufficiently open.
- With your sphincter open, gently push the gas out of your anus by mildly bearing down. They key is to let it out slowly and silently. Imagine blowing a mouthful of air through loosely pursed lips. Too fast and strong will cause the lips to vibrate and emit noise. It's roughly the same effect.
- When you've passed as much gas as you can, release the buttocks and let your sphincter close back up naturally.
- Congratulations! You've just emitted gas without anyone knowing.
- When you get out of bed, it wouldn't hurt to wash your hands.
Tips
- Occasionally your emissions will be accompanied by an overpowering stench. There are many ways to mask this, but one of the most effective ways is to keep your area of the bed sealed by making sure too much air does not leak out of the covers.
- Hopefully if you're sharing a bed with someone, you already feel comfortable enough that if this should happen, it won't be a disaster.
- You can seal the covers simply by repositioning your arms along the top seam of the covers to the left and right side of your body when done emitting your gas. Keep this firm and sealed for about 2 minutes as the air underneath the covers clears. Passing gas should cause a noticeable temperature increase in the air underneath your covers. When this temperature increase subsides, it is a good indication that it is safe to allow both the pockets of air below and above your covers to exchange again without fear of causing your partner to gag or choke.
Warnings
- There are times when the odor will be too potent to cover up or seal. In situations like these, it helps if your partner is asleep as the noise is much more noticeable than the odor when sleeping. If your partner is awake and smells something out of the ordinary, try to position the blame on something else - like an open window, a family pet, shoes under the bed or anything else that has the potential of generally smelling bad. Be creative and have fun with it...
