Be Competitive in a Non Destructive Way
Being competitive in our academic, working and personal lives can be good for achieving success and moving into the ranks of glory and glamor. Competitive attitudes can help you to feel energized, able to take on challenging tasks and ready to achieve many things in life. However, competitive behavior that is not considerate of your well-being or well balanced in its application can take its toll, leading to self-destruction and perhaps ostracizing the very people you care about the most.
By aiming to be competitive in a dignified way that respects the needs of others, is considerate of your own well-being and displays controlled ambition will help to ensure more fulfilling and healthy success.
Contents
Steps
- Discover the true motivation behind your competitive behavior. Much of the time, we compete against other people for the wrong reasons. From the day we enter social occasions as children, we are exposed to competitive behaviors and many of us are encouraged to emulate such behaviors in order to keep up––or be shown up. Simply taking on board a socially accepted competitive approach to life leaves no room for pondering the boundaries of competitive behavior, so many people simply assume it's okay to be overly competitive, sometimes to the point of harming themselves or hurting others. Some other reasons for competitive behavior include:
- A desire to have what another person has and act out of envy.
- Getting used to competing with siblings and not learning to draw the line in childhood. This can be a case of fierce sibling rivalry (caused by any number of things) that has been extended to all relationships in life.
- A pressing need to conform to the norms of life lived by others––often it's less challenging to pursue socially condoned norms and many times doing so gets the competitor ahead quickly.
- An excuse that "being competitive is just my nature". Nobody is wholly any particular trait or other and competitiveness is simply one trait, over-amplified. Don't belittle yourself in this way!
- Look into yourself to contemplate what it is that truly drives you and gives you a sense of purpose in life. Are you doing things because you wish to do them, or is it because you want to please others or meet expectations you feel are weighing on you? It is easy to be consumed by an overwhelming urge to achieve regardless of the means that we have to use to obtain success, based vaguely on wanting to "fit in" and to outdo others.
- One very evident example of not worrying about the means in current society is that of workaholism. Many workaholics excuse their competitive behaviors on the grounds of being talented at what they do, being indispensable and somehow ensuring a better world through their efforts alone. At the same time, such a person is often not giving such things as time, love and attention to close family members or loved ones and loses sight of how they are setting a poor example to others in the workplace––long nights, being seen to be working over substance of work, taking shortcuts instead of producing substantial outcomes, etc. This sort of competitiveness is disconnecting and fuels unrealistic expectations that everyone has to be "superhuman" to survive workplace environments. It can cause overly competitive people to disdain others who don't buy into this manic approach to working life.
- Be sensitive to the feelings and rights of others. While climbing the corporate ladder, make it your mission to never trample on the rights, dignity and virtue of others. Play an honest game that is based on ethical behavior and personal accountability. Let your success be based on your own potential and authentic substance, either as a worker, manager, lover, parent, sibling, friend, and so forth. The higher you climb, the more personal responsibility you must assume and the greater your willingness must be to remain open to people's suggestions, willing to listen and incorporate others' ideas and ready to take the blame for things that don't work out rather than shifting it onto others. When people you work and live with know that you're always considerate of them and their wishes, they will be understanding when you make mistakes. In the process, your good reputation and dignity will remain intact.
- Be more cooperative than competitive. Suggest ways to collaborate on projects, tasks, activities, chores, events, etc. that you share in common with your friends, family, and coworkers. Cooperative approaches allow for differences of opinion, changes of mind, compromises and a way to showcase every person's best talents at the expense of none.
- Avoid slander and discrediting any other person in order to further your own ends or gains. The easy solution can often be to make others look inefficient or incapable and, in the process, pave your own way to beat them to whatever glittering prize is at the other end. Yet, this kind of action initiates contempt and fosters poor attitudes toward you; ultimately, it will backfire because people will fail to trust you. In the short-term, beastly behavior might get you somewhere––in the long term, it will leave you open to attack, fragile and frail when you need their support the most. And always remember that when you take a tumble from the top of any hierarchy, you will often be back at the mercy of the people you either supported kindly or slandered thoughtlessly––it's obvious which attitude will ensure these people give you a helping hand back up.
- Feel like gossiping to "get ahead"? Every person who hears gossip is tempted to work back to the real source and when it's pinned back to you, trust is broken for good. While it may feel like a competitive advantage to spread rumors, it's often fairly evident who began rumors about something fishy, especially the more advantageous the gossip is to your own reputation.
- Think that using nasty words and attitudes to coworkers, subordinates and family/loved ones gives you a competitive edge? Nasty words and actions might make people jump and do your bidding, but it's fear that drives them and not respect. They will all be waiting for that one tremendous moment when you really stuff up, when they're free to speak their minds to have you ousted. It's the time-bomb approach to managing your relations with others.
- Like competing because it makes you feel better about yourself? If so, do you apply this standard to your friends and family? In so doing, you are setting up a situation where you're a winner and they're a loser––that's a really tough thing to do to people you care about. There are kinder ways to feel better about yourself than making people around you feel worse about themselves because they can't measure up to you.
- Be proud of the accomplishments of others, not threatened. We all have different abilities, talents and skill levels for good reason––because we're social beings, we need to "click" together to really achieve greatness. No person is an island alone; assuming otherwise is self-destructive. Instead of seeking to steal the thunder of others, change tactics and blow their horns for a change. Let everyone hear you credit your workmates, siblings, lover, boss, neighbor or anyone else in your life with the accomplishments you can see them make. You may be astonished at the different kind of "power" this gives you––by empowering others to shine, you will shine for them and they'll be only too willing to support you.
- Think of how Oprah has always done well because she has surrounded herself with people using their best talents––by fostering what they're best at instead of trying to compete with them, she has shone in her own right.
- Use your own confidence and hard work to achieve your aims. This means trusting yourself, trusting in who you really are and trusting in your abilities. If you've chosen a bad fit in life, competitiveness may have arisen out of a fear of failure. Don't fear failure––it can direct you into what you really are good at doing and take away the need to feel that you always need to "keep up" with others.
- If it is money you desire, then strive to attain it through your own will and toil. Avoid using easy targets and fostering false relationships to get others to back you up financially.
- If you don't feel you've really found your authentic niche in life, read How to identify your strengths and weaknesses––often, overly competitive behavior arises from constantly patching up weaknesses, out of fear of being thought a fraud or incompetent. It doesn't mean you can't improve and make life easier for yourself but it does mean you need to face some realities about what you're best at and what holds you back and causes you to out-compete others all the time.
- Realize what a need to win really says about you. What do "winners" get? Accolades, applause and adulation. Is that what you're after? If so, you're on the treadmill of neediness for external validation. Hop off it and seek your authentic self instead.
- Realize that lying, scheming or deliberately planning events to work in your favor are not healthy competitive approaches but are simply forms of work and life sabotage. This sabotage behavior often happens when we lack certain required abilities and capabilities to achieve or be successful in work and social situations. But lying or discrediting other people actually places your own judgment and reliability at stake, even more so if the other person proves you wrong. And the chances of this happening are highly likely given that where there is smoke, someone is always keen to locate the fire. The end result? It's most probable that your reputation and integrity will suffer.
- By always being accountable and ethical in your approach to life and other people, you will ensure that people can happily dig away at your foundations and will simply find that you're not ashamed of your mistakes but have always been ready to accept shortcomings and fix them.
- Give yourself enough time and space to achieve your aims. Immediate success and acquiring wealth overnight is a fantasy that is far from current day realities. Unfortunately, there is an unhealthy presumption that when a person is successful, that it "happened overnight", which totally bypasses the realities that it probably took years of hard work, planning, risk taking and failure to reach that point of success! By wanting overnight success and glory, you set yourself up for great disappointment and there is a risk that you will indulge in shortcuts and dodgy acts to succeed. Some people are even driven to commit criminal acts to succeed because "losing face" or not achieving a lifestyle they feel entitled to causes them to lose all sense of perspective. Don't fall into this trap––competitive behavior needs to propel you forward in a healthy and consistent manner, not in a haphazard and dangerous way.
- Getting rich/famous/popular, etc. quickly is an unrealistic mindset to hold. All good things take time, including healthy competition. Stick to your values and principles and you will thrive in the long term.
- Be realistic. Learn the difference between healthy competition and unhealthy competition. Many reputable self-help guides and soothsayers will tell you that the greatest competition in life is with yourself, not with others. By setting yourself achievable goals throughout life, no matter your age or position, you set yourself targets to measure yourself against. It doesn't matter what other people think, other than that those close to you know that you love and cherish them. It does matter that you feel respect for yourself, that you are achieving the things in life that matter to you and that you don't go about comparing yourself to other people. If building a beautiful garden does it for you by way of an ultimate achievement, then by all means go ahead and build your beautiful garden. If becoming a CEO of a socially responsible company is your thing, you've got a fantastic goal that's inclusive of all the people you'd like to bring along with you on the journey. Whatever your goals, stay true to them and don't twist or subvert their progress by succumbing to fears that you're not good enough, not keeping up or not owning what the boy or girl next door owns. You already have all you need, inside of you.
- Inspire others to follow in your lead by displaying healthy and productive competing skills. In the commission of healthy competitive behaviors, you teach others how to behave in this healthy way, thereby multiplying the effect on of considerate competing on those who wish to follow in your footsteps.
Tips
- Others are watching. Your children, your nieces and nephews, your neighbors, your coworkers and many others in a position to learn from you are watching and learning from your behaviors. Make sure your behavior is exhibiting lessons you really want to be passed on.
- Competition is healthy when it pushes you to achieve your best. You will know this when your relationships with others are friendly and not strained, you enjoy the balance of activities in your life and you strive for your goals at your pace, without worrying about what others are thinking or doing.
Warnings
- Two competitive types don't make it an excuse for battle. If you always argue, fight, out-compete and show up your partner, boss, coworker, friend, or other relevant person in your life, start wondering why. Both of you risk stress, lack of fulfillment in your interactions and a potential for a really bad falling out one day not too far. Be the stronger person and pull the plug on the competitiveness. Start praising this person's real achievements as you see them while ignoring the rest of their huff and puff––it may take time but it'll stop the two of you from competing against one another.
- Avoid confusing healthy competitive behavior with unhealthy competitive behavior. Not all competitive behavior is bad––some of it gets you out of bed and roaring ready to go for the day. It's bad when it consumes your entire sense of self, well-being and causes you belittle others or use them to your advantage. It's unhealthy when it destroys the relationships you care about and spoils your chances to lead a fulfilling life. You'll feel the difference, it's not something text can teach you.
