Be Friends with Someone Who Attempted Suicide

If you're friends with someone who attempted suicide, then you must be worried for your friend while feeling like you don't know what to say or do. The best thing you can do is offer your care and support, and be there as your friend moves forward from this difficult time. It's important to be thoughtful, caring, and kind toward your friend and to handle the situation with care.

Steps

Offering Support

1. Be available. The best thing you can do for a friend who attempted suicide is simply to be there to support him or her. Just offering hugs, a shoulder to cry on, and an ear to talk to can help your friend move on. Let your friend know that you are available for phone calls or spending time together. It's okay if your friend doesn't want to talk about the attempt. S/he may not be as expressive as s/he was in the past or may just feel numb. Don't let that stop you from spending time together. Your company might be all s/he needs.
   • You don't have to bring up the suicide attempt, but you should be there for your friend if s/he wants to talk about it.
   • If the attempt was recent, offer support by asking what you can do to help him or her, and let him/her know that you are glad s/he's still here.
2. Be understanding. It may be hard for you to understand why your friend would make an attempt on his or her life. You'll probably have many different feelings about the attempt such as anger, shame, or guilt. But, being considerate of your friend's circumstances will be the most helpful. Try to understand the immense pain that was behind the attempt, whether it be pain from depression, pain from trauma, feelings of hopelessness, a recent loss or stressful event, feeling overwhelmed, illness, addiction or feeling isolated. Realize your friend is in emotional pain, regardless of the exact cause.
   • You may never fully understand the things that were going through a person's brain before a suicide attempt. But, if you care about your friend and the attempt happened recently, you can do your best to try to understand the pain s/he must have been in.
3. Listen. Sometimes, the best thing you can do for your friend is just to sit back and listen. Give him or her space to express what s/he needs to. Try to avoid interrupting or trying to "solve" problems. Don't compare your friend's situation to your own, or to another person's, and try to remember that what s/he's experiencing is unique to him or her. Give your friend your full attention by removing distractions. This will show your friend that you care because you are paying close attention.
   • Sometimes, listening is just as important as saying the right thing.
   • While listening, try to avoid judgment or an attempt to understand why. Instead, focus on how your friend is feeling and what she might be needing from you.
   • It may feel as though your friend wants to talk about the attempt all the time. That's natural as s/he processes what happened. Be patient with your friend and let him/her talk as much as s/he needs.
4. Offer help. You can offer to help your friend in his or her time of need in big and small ways. Let your friend be your guide and ask what your friend needs most. Volunteer to help. You may also want to ask what s/he doesn't find helpful, in order to avoid doing something s/he doesn't want or need.
   • For example, if your friend is nervous about seeking therapy, you can offer to take him or her to the doctor's office. Or, if your friend is just overwhelmed by everything, you can offer to make dinner, watch your friend's kids, help your friend with homework, or just to do something that will lighten the load.
   • Just helping with the smallest tasks can make a big difference. Don't think that any task is too small to offer help for.
   • Help may also be in the form of taking your friend's mind off things. S/he may feel tired of talking about the attempt. Offer to take him/her out to dinner or the movies.
5. Learn about resources to help your friend. If your friend has recently attempted suicide and you think s/he's at risk for attempting suicide again, do your best to keep your friend safe. Know who you can call or go to for help. You might go to a school counselor, parent, or even call 911 if your friend says s/he can't keep him/herself safe. Several hotlines are available to offer help, including the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or the National Hopeline Network at 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) in the U.S.
   • For outside the U.S., visit suicide resource websites for telephone numbers or online chats.
   • Remember that you cannot do this on your own. Your friend's family and other friends have to contribute to helping that person stay away from the things that might add to his or her suicidal feelings.
6. Ask your friend about how to keep him or her safe. If your friend has been at the hospital after his/her attempt, or is seeing a therapist, s/he will likely have a safety plan. Ask your friend if you can know what the plan is, and how you can help. If your friend does not have a safety plan, you can find a guide online to help him or her create one. Find out from your friend how to tell if s/he's feeling depressed or overwhelmed and how you can help. Ask your friend how safe s/he feels and ask him or her to tell you what to look for in order to intervene.
   • For example, your friend may say that if s/he has not gotten out of bed all day and is avoiding phone calls, that is a sign that s/he is getting into a dark place. This would be your signal to call someone who can help.
7. Help your friend take small steps forward. Your friend should be seeing a therapist or mental health care professional, and should consider medication. Aside from making sure your friend is getting additional recovery support, you can help your friend make small changes to improve his or her life. Your friend shouldn't be making drastic changes, but you may suggest minor things to accomplish.
   • For example, if your friend was depressed because of a failed relationship, you can slowly help your friend take his or her mind off of it by planning fun activities and helping your friend start dating when the time comes.
   • Or, if your friend is deeply unhappy because s/he feels that her career is at a dead end, you can help update his or her resume or talk about going back to school.
8. Make sure you're not alone. Don't think you're being selfish by asking others (like friends, family, or mental health care professionals) to support you and your friend. This can keep you from feeling overwhelmed. If you do start feeling overwhelmed, tell your friend that you need a break, some alone time, or time with other friends or family to take care of yourself. Inform your friend that you want to take this time to refuel and that you'll return once you're refreshed. It may help to set boundaries by telling your friend what you're willing to do and not do.
   • For example, let your friend know you'd be happy to have a weekly dinner with him or her, but that you won't keep warning signs a secret and you'll get help to keep him/her safe.
   • Your friend shouldn't swear you to secrecy and it's important that other trusted people know about the attempt.
9. Offer hope. Try to make your friend feel hopeful about the future. This can help protect against a future attempt. Try to get your friend thinking and talking about hope. Ask your friend how hope influences him or her. You may try asking:
   • Who is the one person you would call to help you feel hopeful in this moment?
   • What do you associate with hope, such as sensations, pictures, music, colors, objects?
   • How do you strengthen and nurture your hope?
   • What kinds of things threaten your hope?
   • Try to imagine a picture of hope. What do you see?
   • Where do you turn for hope when you are feeling hopeless?
10. Check in with your friend. Make an effort to let your friend know that you're thinking of him or her even when you're not together. Ask your friend if you can check in on him or her, and how often s/he'd like you to do that. You can also ask your friend if s/he has a preferred way for you to check in such as a phone call, text, or a visit.
    • When you do check in, there is no need to ask your friend about suicide unless you think think s/he is a danger to herself. Instead, just ask how s/he's doing or feeling, and if s/he needs help with anything.
11. Look out for warning signs. Don't make the mistake of thinking that your friend won't ever try to commit suicide again because s/he tried once and failed. Unfortunately, about 10% of people who threaten or try to commit suicide end up killing themselves. This doesn't mean you should be watching your friend's each and every move, but you should be extra vigilant to make sure your friend does not exhibit warning signs that indicate suicide. If you think there's a chance it might happen again, talk to someone and get help, especially if you notice threatening or talking about harming or killing him/herself, talking or writing about death in a way that's unusual for him or her, or talking about not wanting to "be here." Remember warning signs by memorizing the mnemonic IS PATH WARM:
    • I - Ideation (a desire to die)
    • S - Substance Abuse
    • P - Purposelessness
    • A - Anxiety
    • T - Trapped
    • H - Hopelessness
    • W - Withdrawal
    • A - Anger
    • R - Recklessness
    • M - Mood change

Avoiding Harmful Behavior

1. Don't lecture at your friend for the attempt. Your friend needs love and support, not a lesson on what is morally right or wrong. Your friend probably feels ashamed, guilty, and emotionally hurt. Lecturing your friend won't help you connect or maintain your relationship.
   • You may feel angry or guilty about your friend's attempt and want to ask about why s/he didn't ask for help. But questioning your friend won't be the most helpful for him/her or your relationship if the attempt was recent.
2. Acknowledge the suicide attempt. Don't pretend like the attempt never happened or ignore it and hope that things go back to normal. You should not completely ignore what happened, even if your friend doesn't mention it. Try to say something nice and supportive, even if it doesn't come out right. It's better to bring it up than say nothing at all.
   • For example, you could say that you are sorry for how terrible your friend has been feeling, and ask if there is anything s/he needs or that you can do. Whatever you say, reassure your friend that you care about him or her.
   • Remember that you're in an uncomfortable situation, and that nobody knows exactly how to act when someone close to them has made an attempt on his or her life.
3. Take the suicide attempt seriously. Many people think that a suicide attempt was just a way to get attention and that the person wasn't really serious about taking his or her own life. A suicide attempt is a very serious situation and it shows that there are complex underlying factors and emotional pain for your friend. Avoid telling your friend that you think s/he did it just to get attention. In doing so, you are minimizing the seriousness of that life-changing decision and are making your friend feel terrible and unimportant in the process.
   • It's important to be as sensitive as possible. If you tell your friend that you think s/he did it just to get attention, then you're not really trying to understand the situation.
   • While it may be easier for you to minimize your friend's problems, this really won't help your friend move on from the attempt.
4. Don't make your friend feel guilty. Making your friend feel guilty is insensitive, even if you may honestly feel hurt or betrayed by your friend's attempt. Your friend probably already feels guilt or shame for worrying the people around him or her. Instead of saying something like,"Weren't you thinking of your family or friends?" try to empathize with your friend.
   • Remember that your friend may still be feeling depressed or fragile, and what s/he needs most is your support and love.
5. Give your friend some time. There are no easily or quick solutions for dealing with a suicide attempt. You can't expect that medicating your friend will just make everything turn out okay. The thought process that leads to suicide is often complicated, and so is the process of recovering from a suicide attempt. Though it's important to make sure your friend gets the help s/he needs, don't minimize your friend's problems by thinking that the solution is simple.
   • It's tempting to want to heal your friend and remove his or her pain so everything becomes normal. But remember that your friend has to work through the pain. The best thing you can do is support your friend and offer help.

Tips

• Give your friend things to look forward to by planning activities that can make you both feel good, like running or exercising together, or going to the beach.
• Let your friend know it's okay to cry and it's okay to have strange emotions. Just tell your friend not to get caught up in them. Inspire your friend.
• Don't always feel like you have to do something large -- your company is enough. It's okay to sit and be together on a park bench or watching a movie at home.
• Don't feel too much pity. Pity can make the friend feel like more of a burden, and probably feel more depressed.

Warnings

• Any relationship with a person who is depressed or suicidal can be heartbreaking or challenging for a long time.
• No matter how sincere you are in your approach to someone that has attempted to commit suicide, your friendship may be rejected. Do not take this personally as it is very difficult for a person who is depressed or suicidal to accept the hand of a potential friend.
• Do not make the person who has attempted suicide feel cornered or trapped when you first try to have a full conversation with him or her.
• Give them space, if they don't want to talk. Don't try to force anything out of them.

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Sources and Citations

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• Maintain Old Friendships
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• Bring Food to a Friend in Need
• Deal with Suicidal Parents
• Cope on Days When You Feel Suicidal
• Prevent a Suicide
• Help Someone Who Is Thinking About Committing Suicide
• Recognize the Warning Signs of Suicide
• Help a Suicidal Friend
• Comfort Your Friend

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