Be Less Perverted

If you feel you are perverted, you may feel ashamed for the thoughts and actions you have regarding sex. You may feel shame due to religious or spiritual beliefs or due to your relationship status (such as being in a monogamous relationship or marriage). Whatever it is, you likely feel outside the norm or at least outside of where you would like to be in terms of your sexual desires. Remember that it is difficult to define sexual ‘normality’ and that sexuality lies on a spectrum of thoughts, desires, and practices.

Steps

Confronting Thoughts and Emotions

  1. Think about how your sexual thoughts affect your life. You may spend hours each day obsessing over certain videos or fantasize about sex in a way that takes away from you living your life. How much is your perversion preventing you from living a productive or happy life? Do people get hurt? How are these thoughts and behaviors causing problems?
    • Reflect on how your thoughts and actions affect your day-to-day life and how your life would change if they were to disappear. Would you free up more time? Would you feel better about yourself? Would other people think differently of you?
    • Keep in mind that sexual thoughts are natural and not evil. If you have heard that thinking about sex makes you an evil person or that you will be punished because if these thoughts, keep in mind that everyone has these thoughts and they are natural. Especially during your teen years, you will have a wide range of sexual thoughts that are a normal part of exploring your sexuality.[1]
  2. Understand healthy sexuality more fully. Healthy sexuality can be difficult to understand. For instance, some people enjoy engaging in casual sex while to others this practice would be horrifying; some people enjoy masturbation while others are embarrassed or refuse to masturbate. Defining healthy sexuality means doing what feels healthy for you in a way that enriches your life.[2] It means feeling sexually fulfilled and happy without having residual feelings of shame or hatred toward yourself.
    • Keep in mind that by nature, humans are sexual beings and it is okay and completely normal to have sexual desires and feelings.
  3. Define your own healthy sexuality. While you are trying to lessen your perceived perverted thoughts, it’s important to also decide what you do consider healthy. Don’t focus on removing all sexuality from your life. Instead, focus on creating a healthy sexual atmosphere for yourself, in your body and within your mind. Remember that it is not realistic to hold yourself to a standard of not having any sexual thoughts or desires. You do, however, have control over your behaviors.
    • Write a list of what you believe healthy sexuality is to you. Focus on defining healthy thoughts and actions, how you engage with other people in a sexual way, and how you feel about about yourself afterward.
    • Think about the things that make you feel good versus the things that make you feel bad. What is the difference between these two things?
  4. Confront shame. Shame often functions from the belief that “Because of this behavior, I am bad.”[3] If you feel you are perverted, it is likely you experience some shame related to this belief. Feeling shame toward yourself can lead to feelings of lower self-esteem.[3] Confront the shame and recognize it does not play a positive role in your life.
    • Recognize when you feel ashamed. Is it after masturbating or after viewing pornography? Is it after having sexual thoughts? Notice what evokes shame. Then, decide what needs to leave, the action or the shame. Decide how you feel about the action, whether you would feel better stopping the action, or if you need to work through that action without a shame response.
    • Where does the shame stem from? Is this a belief that was passed down in your family? Does it relate to deeply held religious beliefs? Understanding the source of the shame can help you work through it.
    • If working through feelings of shame you wish to let go, say to yourself, “I am able to love and express my sexuality in a way that is healthy and pleasurable to me. It's not shameful to express my sexuality.”
  5. Confront guilt. Guilt can be a healthy emotion when recognized for the role it can play in shaping behavior. For instance, if you feel remorse for an action, guilt may accompany this, and lead you to choose a different decision the next time you are faced with a similar situation.[3]
    • If you have guilt about your sexual thoughts or feelings, treat it as a guidepost and pay attention to it. Try and spend some time understanding the guilt, where it originates from, and how you can engage in healthy sexuality without feeling guilty.
    • Ask yourself when you experience guilt. Is it related to sexual acts/thoughts, your own sexuality, or outside influences (such as religion or beliefs)? Is the guilt justified?
    • If you do not want to experience guilt related to your sexuality, say to yourself, “I am allowed to be a sexual being and express my sexuality in a healthy way without guilt.”
    • If you’ve hurt someone in a sexual way, it is absolutely imperative to confront the situation.
  6. Relate to your body healthfully. If you feel shame or embarrassment toward your own body, learn to accept yourself as you are.[4] Accept your body in skin color, hair texture, height, and weight. If you hate your body, you may find yourself overly fixated on other body types and engage in perverted thought patterns. Start with self acceptance. The more you accept yourself, your body, and your own sexuality, the less you may experience unhealthy sexuality.
    • If you are ashamed of your body for having stretch marks, loose skin, or scars, forgive your body. Learn to appreciate the functions your body does for you such as digesting food, sorting out toxins, and converting food to nutrients.
    • You may not celebrate all parts of your body, but take some time to express gratitude for the little things your body does for you and the abilities it gives you.[4]
    • Your body tells a story. your skin tone, freckles, and scars each encapsulate a story of ancestry and experience. Celebrate your family and your own unique experiences on your living canvas.

Taking Action

  1. Erase images or videos off your computer. Rid your electronics of any material that may cause you to stray. Keeping your computer and phone free of temptations means you foster an environment that supports you in your goal of less unpleasant thoughts and feelings about sex.
    • Use a parental control tool from preventing you "unintentionally" opening porn web sites. If you have to unlock that software, this buys you some seconds to think again and direct the impulse somewhere else.
    • If you struggle with consuming pornography, check out How to Deal With Porn Addiction.
  2. Discard magazines or images you have. This may also include taking down any posters you have in your room, or getting rid of any t-shirts, stickers, or hats that don’t support your view of healthy sexuality. You want to create an environment that encourages you to stick to your goals and takes away any thoughts or feelings that do not align with your version of healthy sexuality.
  3. Monitor your humor. Making sexual jokes may be your way of making sexual comments with the guise of being funny, but in reality the joke is hostile or disrespectful.[5] Sexual jokes are often not funny, especially when directed at someone directly. They can often be disrespectful and hurtful. Poking fun at someone’s sexuality is never appropriate, especially when spread as gossip or intended to hurt someone. Just don’t do it.
    • If you find a joke you find funny yet you know it will hurt someone, keep it to yourself.
  4. Distract yourself. You may need to distract your thoughts and/or behaviors. Once you catch yourself in a thought or behavior you want to change, divert your attention. You may need to change your gaze, start a different conversation, or excuse yourself from the situation.
    • If you’re having a hard time staying focused, take a break and go to the bathroom, take a walk, or engage in something else altogether.
    • If you find yourself staring at someone inappropriately, catch yourself and divert your attention.
    • If you’re about to tell an inappropriate joke, stop yourself and say something different.
  5. Interact respectfully. If you have perverted thoughts toward people, make sure you treat all people with value and respect. If you are interested in women, treat all women with respect. If you are interested in men, treat all men with respect. Respect each person’s sexual limits. Before engaging in sex, talk about it beforehand. Establish boundaries and communicate your preferences and desires, and make sure you understand your partner’s preferences and desires.[6]
    • Don’t approach any person in a manner that devalues him or her in a sexual way.
  6. Try not to reinforce other people’s ideas about you. If others have been telling you that you are a pervert, then there are things that you can do to avoid reinforcing these people’s ideas about you. Some behaviors can even be considered sexual harassment or bullying, which could get you into a lot of trouble. Make sure that you avoid:[7]
    • making sexual jokes or gestures.
    • bringing up sex in inappropriate situations, such as during class, while someone is telling you a story, or in other situations you think it might make people feel uncomfortable.
    • sending sexual text messages or inappropriate pictures to people.[8]
    • touching your private parts in public.
    • touching other people in inappropriate and/or unwelcome ways.
    • exposing yourself to people.

Making Personal Changes

  1. Cope with stress effectively. If you feel stressed, you may be more vulnerable to revert back to bad habits. Find ways to relieve and manage stress daily. Don’t let stress build up; find ways to decrease stress each day. Engaging in exercise, being social, and avoiding unnecessary stress are excellent ways to manage stress.[9]
    • Join a running club, start yoga, or go for daily walks with your dog.
    • Call up a friend, host a game night, or plan to see your friends for dinner.
    • If you feel chronically stressed but are not sure how to pinpoint it, start a stress journal and keep track of what stresses you each day/week/month. You may start to find patterns of the stressors you experience, then begin to tackle them one by one.[9]
  2. Choose your friends carefully. Don’t surround yourself with people that encourage you to think or act in a perverted way. You may need to take a break from friends or choose new friends altogether. Allow people in your life that support you and encourage you to live in the way you find most beneficial for you. Having good support in your life helps you combat stress.[10]
    • If there are people that negatively influence you yet are a fixture in your life, kindly ask them to tone down their comments or behavior, or not to discuss those things in your presence.
  3. Reach out to your friends. Your friends can help you along your journey and make it easier by supporting you. Start an accountability group if you and your friends struggle with similar problems. Send supportive texts, meet for lunch, and keep each other on track.
    • You can also join a support group, either locally or online, such as the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health or Sex Addicts Anonymous.
  4. See a therapist. If you feel like you cannot control your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and don’t think you can do the journey on your own, see a therapist. A therapist can help you confront your feelings, find coping strategies, and work through the process of decreasing negative sexual thoughts. Your therapist is there to support you and help you live a happier, more fulfilling life.[11]
    • For more information about going to therapy, check out Tell if You Need to See a Therapist.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ http://kidshealth.org/teen/sexual_health/guys/sexual_orientation.html#cat20016
  2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/mining-the-headlines/201204/creating-healthy-sexuality
  3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 3.2 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201401/guilt-good-shame-bad
  4. ↑ 4.0 4.1 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sex-ed-in-small-doses/201404/three-steps-toward-loving-your-body
  5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-second-noble-truth/201302/the-jokes-who
  6. ↑ http://www.health.state.mn.us/topics/sexualhealth/characteristics.html
  7. ↑ http://kidshealth.org/teen/sexual_health/guys/harassment.html#
  8. ↑ http://kidshealth.org/teen/sexual_health/guys/harassment.html#cat20016
  9. ↑ 9.0 9.1 http://www.helpguide.org/articles/stress/stress-management.htm
  10. ↑ http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2921311/
  11. ↑ http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/understanding-psychotherapy.aspx
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