Be Responsive to Your Partner

Learning to be more responsive to your partner can take your relationship to a whole new level. Your partner will feel more satisfied in the relationship, and may even reciprocate your responsiveness. You can be a responsive partner by employing active listening skills, working through problems in a collaborative way, and anticipating and reacting to your partner’s needs.

Steps

Being a Responsive Listener

1. Listen to your partner attentively. Show your responsiveness by giving your partner your complete attention when they are talking. Resist the urge to interrupt or rush them to finish. Use your own body language to encourage them to keep talking.
   • Turn your body to face them. Lean forward. Nod to show agreement. Make appropriate eye contact. Relax your arms in your lap or at your sides. Depending on the context of the conversation, you may even take their hand into yours or caress their arm or shoulder.
2. Ask clarifying questions. To better understand your partner’s message, ask questions. Wait until they seem to have taken a pause before asking. Then, you can ask specific questions that encourage your partner to expound more on a certain aspect of their message or to go deeper into what they are thinking and feeling.
   • Clarifying questions might sound like, “What did you mean by exasperated?" or “Sounds like you could use a break. Am I right?”
3. Validate their emotions. Validation is a key aspect of being a responsive partner. To do this you have to listen for feelings language in your partner’s message. Then, make a statement that shows your partner that you relate to or appreciate their unique feelings and perspective.
   • If your partner's words or facial expression indicates anger or confusion, you can validate this by saying, “I can sense that this has gotten you very upset” or “You seem confused by the outcome.”
4. Demonstrate that you understand. The best listeners listen to understand, not reply. Paraphrase or summarize your partner’s message to show you comprehend what they’re trying to say.
   • For instance, your partner says, "My mom and dad got in a fight and I think they might get a divorce. I don't know what to do." You might repeat what you heard in your own words by saying, “Let me see if I understand this correctly. Your parents had a big fight and you're worried this will lead to divorce?"
   • You might summarize by pulling together various chunks of the message into a cohesive whole to verify your understanding. Summarizing might sound like “So your parents were arguing and yelling. Your dad stormed out of the house and you haven't heard from him since. Is that right?”

Working Out Problems

1. Acknowledge your partner’s emotional experience first. A responsive partner is not only in tune with their own emotional experience, but their partner’s as well. You can show your concern for your partner’s well-being by acknowledging their feelings, even when you are disagreeing.
   • For example, if you shout or speak harshly to your partner, acknowledge their feelings before continuing the discussion. You might communicate concern by saying something like, “I didn’t mean to come off as harsh” or “I can see you’re hurt maybe we should postpone this conversation.”
2. Use “I” messages to state your feelings. “I” messages, as opposed to “You” messages, help facilitate communication and conflict resolution. This happens because you are able to take ownership for your own thoughts, feelings, and experiences without shifting blame onto your partner. “You” messages often spark defensiveness.
   • An “I” message might sound like, “I feel confused by your reaction to what I said. I want to be there for you, but I’m not sure how.” This is better than, “You are acting strangely. I don’t understand you.”
3. Seek out a solution that is mutually beneficial. Responsive partners care more about the relationship succeeding than winning an argument. That’s why the focus is on arriving at terms that both partners can agree on. Sometimes, the mutually beneficial solution may be to just drop the subject. In other times, it may require compromise from both parties.
   • To compromise, determine how important the issue is to both of you. Then, brainstorm viable solutions that allow both of you to get some or most of your needs met.
   • For example, if you are planning a vacation, but it doesn't matter where, you might allow your partner to choose the destination. But, you might compromise and each pick two activities that you'd like to do.
4. Be vulnerable. Responsiveness often comes down to being the one willing to give in or apologize first. During a disagreement in a romantic relationship, you and your partner may temporarily forget that you’re on the same side. If you have the courage to take an emotional risk, you may be able to bring the argument to a swift close.
   • For example, both partners may be hurting, yet pretending not to be. Simply stating your vulnerability, “My emotions are raw right now. I really need you” can help break down barriers between you.
5. Reestablish the emotional connection after a fight. The worst thing you can do is end an argument with a gaping chasm between you. Healthy relationships require that you two be able to return to a state of connection in order to move forward after conflict.
   • For some partners, this may translate to “makeup sex.” For others, it might be a gentle caress, a hug, or a light-hearted joke after a disagreement. It doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you restore the emotional connection.

Anticipating Your Partner’s Needs

1. Be present. Certainly, there will be times when you are caught up in your own thoughts and feelings and unable to fully attend to your partner. Nonetheless, the majority of the time, you should try to tune in to what your partner may be feeling. Notice the nonverbal cues that tell you what’s going on with them, and help you devise an appropriate response.
   • For example, you might notice when your partner gets a creaky tone of voice that they are deeply emotional. At this time, you might be clued in that they need your full attention. Shut off any distractions and practice active listening.
2. Reflect on what worked previously. You don’t have to reinvent the wheel each day. You can enhance your responsiveness and better attend to your partner’s feelings and needs by recalling similar encounters. If your partner told you last month that they want you to listen without trying to fix their problems, keep this in mind when a new problem arises.
3. Show that you care. A big part of being a responsive partner is being compassionate. Your relationship satisfaction and emotional connection depends on you being a decent human being. In other words, you can’t be a responsive partner and not show warmth and concern for partner as a person.
   • For example, you are watching a sports event or your favorite TV show and your partner comes in sighing heavily and slamming doors. Responsiveness would require for you to pause the TV and attend to your partner’s emotional experience.
   • Show compassion by asking what’s the matter, offering a hug, or suggesting something fun to help cheer your partner up.
4. Notice what they respond to during intimacy. Another way to address your partner’s needs is through intimacy. It can be tempting to let go and only focus on your own needs during intimacy. But, tuning into your partner’s likes and dislikes, and responding appropriately can forge a deeper connection between you—both in and out of the bedroom.
   • For example, if your partner seems to enjoy a caress down their back, you might ask, "Do you like that?" to see if they would like you to continue.

Sources and Citations

See also

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• Deal with Passive Aggressive Relatives
• Accept Not Having Children
• Have a Good Family Life
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