Stop Your Parents from Controlling Your Wedding Plans

Weddings can both be a source of great joy and intense stress. Finding the balance between getting the wedding that you want while also incorporating the desires of your future spouse can be tough enough, but parents often want a say, as well. If your parents are trying to control your wedding plans, you can stop them through conflict resolution and working to compromise when they are paying or setting boundaries if they are not.

Steps

Creating Compromise When Your Parents Are Paying

  1. Articulate your vision for your wedding. Perhaps your parents are pushing back on your wedding plans because they don’t fully understand them. Spend some time talking to them about your ideal day and you might find that they will get on board and support you in achieving it.[1]
    • You might say “Dad, I know you always thought I would get married in our church. But since I was a little girl, I’ve loved the beach. I’ve always thought of myself getting married on the beach. And that’s where Chris proposed to me so it’s even more special. I hope you’ll support me.”
  2. Find room for compromise. Find ways to compromise with your parents in small ways. You might not allow them to pick out your flowers, but perhaps you will let them be the tiebreaker between you and your fiancee if you can’t decide. Or perhaps your parents are against you having an open bar wedding; opt instead to have guests purchase their own alcoholic beverages.[2]
  3. Pick your battles. Know when to battle with your parents and when to refrain. If your family is set on peach as opposed to coral place settings, let her have it. However, for larger things like food or venue, advocate persuasively for your desires.[1]
  4. Remind them gently that this is your wedding. If they continue to push back against you, despite all you have done, continuously remind them kindly that it is your wedding day. Tell them that you will forever remember this day as the day that you joined yourself to your spouse and it is important for you to do that in the way that you see as best so that you have no regrets.
    • You can say “Mom, we have talked about this a few times, and I’m hoping you can be a little more understanding soon. I love and respect you very much but please don’t buy those flowers for my wedding. Can you help me choose some different ones?”
  5. Ask for their advice. Before making any final decisions, consult with them for advice. They likely have more experience with weddings than you do and could be of great assistance. Also, if they are paying, they have the final say anyway.[2]
  6. Give them a project. Your parents might be interjecting into your business because they feel that they don’t have a part in the planning process. Find some aspect of planning that you have not yet completed or that you don’t have much stake in and allow them to handle that.[2]
    • For instance, perhaps you need help finding a florist or photographer. Ask your parents to find a few and then select one from their options.
  7. Fund it yourself. If your parents are paying for the wedding, they should get a say. If you want to have more control over how that day will go, then you will need to work to pay for it yourself.[1]
    • Get a second job, sell some of your old stuff, find deals online, or see if your fiancee’s parents can chip in more.

Setting Boundaries When Fully Funding Your Own Wedding

  1. Talk to your parents about their role. When enduring this power struggle with your parents, be sure to clarify their role in the wedding planning process. Remind them that you are the one getting married and tell them that you will always consider their suggestions. Avoid always saying “don’t” or “no” to them, but do remind that you do have the final say.[2]
    • You might say “Mom, I’ve always wanted a mermaid shaped wedding gown, but I do think that the ballgown that you picked out looked nice. I really felt like a bride in the dress that I picked out and I hope that you respect my decision.”
  2. Invite the guests you want. Though you parents may want you to invite your second cousin by marriage twice removed, know that you do not have to. Say ‘no’ to them in a polite way when they try to make any unwanted additions.[3]
    • Go over the budget with them as well if you cannot afford additional guests.
  3. Talk about the wedding minimally. If your family is not contributing financially to the wedding, keep the talk of it to a minimum when together. Though your wedding is an important day, it is not worth suffering unnecessary stress over. Inform them of any necessary information, like their role, the date, and time, but avoid discussing other details that you might argue over.[1]
    • If they try to engage with you about it, you might say something like “You know Mom, the last time we talked about the wedding, we both got really upset. But I will say that Jess and I picked a nice venue that we’re really excited about. Now can we talk about something else?”
  4. Use their strengths. If you know that your mom has an eye for decoration and your dad has a lot of connections in the area, use this. Doing so will allow them to feel useful while you are also planning your perfect wedding.[2]

Handling Conflict in General

  1. Have necessary conversations in person. Conversations over text or email can be easily misconstrued. When possible, speak to your parents in person or by phone to discuss important wedding matters.[3]
  2. Find out what’s most important to them. Your parents might be trying to control every aspect of your wedding because they feel that they don’t have a say. Talk to them to find out what they care about the most and see if they have any concerns that they haven’t told you about.[2]
    • You might find that your mom trying to pick the bridesmaid’s dresses really comes from her desire to be involved in general. Pick a few potential dresses and then get her input on the ones she likes the best. Involve her in other ways, as well.
  3. Be understanding. Though you are likely frustrated that they are trying to control your day, try to be as understanding as possible. Your parents probably care about you very much and want your wedding to be perfect. Your wedding will be one day, but they are your parents forever.[1]
    • However, your parents may have always been controlling and overbearing. Understand that this has been their dynamic with you since you were a child and work to change that now so that you can have your wedding as you like it.
  4. Ask your other family members to help. If you are about to attend a family function or any other gathering that your parents will be at, call in the reinforcements. Ask your other family members to exist as a buffer and take up for you and advocate for your autonomy in your wedding.[1]
    • For instance, if you know your dad is trying to get you to select a certain caterer that you don’t want for the wedding, you might tell your sister beforehand so that she can tell him it’s your decision and that she likes the food you’ve chosen.
  5. Enlist the help of your wedding planner. If you have a wedding planner, consider using them as a buffer when having conversations with your parents. They are there to help you create your vision, not your parents. They can also be objective when the two of you might be emotional and can provide solutions or compromises that you may not have considered.[2]


Sources and Citations