Be Sleazy
Sleaziness is often considered VERY attractive. Nice guys finish last, and with a few easy steps you too can embrace the seedy side of life.
Steps
- Hair. Sleazy men are superficial, and take great pride in their appearance. As they generally have very little of interest to say, their image is what they will primarily be judged on, so it's vital that the right look is conveyed. As in anything, it is best to start from the top, by making your hair as sleazy as possible. Slicked back hair is very sleazy, as are most hairstyles that require daily maintenance. The Steven Seagal-style slicked-back ponytail is the height of sleazy hair.
- Jewelery. Jewelry is one of the least subtle ways of flaunting your wealth possible, and therefore is very sleazy. Sleazy men are generally not overly wealthy however, so Jewelry is generally loud, but scarce. Several gold chains around your neck should do the trick. Signet rings also work well, as do earrings (usually in the left ear).
- Clothing. Clothing is where you'll really set yourself apart from all the clean living, healthy eating, not-paying-for-sex gents out there. There is so much sleazy clothing out there, and even perfectly respectable clothing can be worn to sleazy effect. Just remember the first rule of sleazy dressing: tight is right. If it's two sizes too small, it's perfect. Shiny is also sleazy as is loud, and purple is generally considered to be the pinnacle of sleazy colours, although from personal experience lime green also works well. If a shirt has buttons, AT LEAST the top four should be undone. Having all buttons undone also works well, but is often in violation of dress codes. Pants should be incredibly tight, with loud, vulgar belts.
- Mannerisms. Exaggerate! Swing your arms more. Open your legs wider. Chew gum slowly. Stare at anything and everything. How you act is almost as important as how you dress, and it is what separates the true sleazebag from the part-timer. Sleazy men are generally detested by other men, so in all likelihood you will only ever get to use these mannerisms on women. Wink at them, lick your lips, and generally behave in a sexually provocative manner. If they tell you that your company is unwanted, or that you should go away, ignore them. Remember; patience is a virtue.
- Conversation. Talking should be reserved exclusively for women, as you are too busy being sleazy, sleek and seductive to waste your time on men. When talking to them you should stare at their breasts constantly, as their faces are unimportant to you. Talk to them confidently, with a knowing, arrogant smirk. Make it painfully obvious that your only interest in them is as a sex object, and talk about yourself constantly. If the conversation gets round to her, try to bring it back round to yourself, or just tell them that talking about them bores you. Remember, conversation is just a preclusion to sleazy sex, so try to keep it as short as possible.
- Accessories. Get a plastic comb with a long pointed handle. Stick it in the back pocket so that the handle sticks out. This will give you that 70s Greaser look. Get a motorbike.
- Associates. Make more like minded buddies. Fight among yourself. See Fight Club for inspiration. Go motorbiking together. Smash beer bottles when done drinking. Shout and make loud noises in the middle of the night.
- Making Money. Being sleazy is advantageous in many job occupations. Examples are being a Drug dealer, an Illegal Bookie or Pimp. In these cases, the client-tale practically demands you to be sleazy. Insurance agents are sleazy, however, this drives away the clients.
Tips
- Along with the wink, raising an eyebrow sends the message that you find them sexy
- Pucker your lips and make your eyes seem a little sleepy and this will have them thinking about only one thing...
- For a dash of extra sleaziness for the advanced sleaze, cologne should never be overlooked. An elegant and classy expression of taste when used in moderation, it becomes a vulgar expression of excess when over-applied. Sleazy!
- "Sleaze" sounds like "Grease". It brings to mind "oil" and "glisten". So when you are getting into that Sleazy Look, ask yourself "Does my hair ooze oil and glisten?", if it does, you're on! First step taken care of.
- Derogatory, politically incorrect terms are the sleazes best friend. Vile, discriminatory slurs make you seem rugged and devil-may-care, a hard-livin' rebel who "don't give a damn" what society thinks. Honest.
- Look out for sleaziness inspiration in the media. Steven Seagal's hairstyle is a sleaziness exemplar, as is John Turturro's character in The Big Lebowski, Sean William Scott's character in American Pie, and every John Travolta character ever to appear in any movie ever (except Hairspray, unless you're going for the fat isolated, pack-rat sleazy look).
Warnings
- It should be noted that some woman do not find sleaziness attractive. However most of these women are not the sorts of people who will have casual, meaningless sex with complete strangers, and are therefore not worth your time.
- There are no facts or data to prove that sleazy men do get the women. However being sleazy is definitely *not boring*. Boring men rarely get women, so if you are the boring or nerdy type, becoming sleazy is definitely a step up. Maybe in the wrong direction, but nonetheless.
- When you're in "sleaze-mode", you are expected to look down on condoms. However this can lead to diseases and even AIDS, not to mention pregnancy. Not for you, for her. But anyhow, in the latter case, you are expected to deny responsibility and run away.
