Build Self Confidence

Self-confidence is an essential part of humanity.[1] A person with self-confidence generally likes themselves, is willing to take risks to achieve their personal and professional goals, and thinks positively about the future. [1] Someone who lack self-confidence, however, is less likely to feel that they can achieve their goals, and tends to have a negative perspective about themselves and what they hope to gain in life. [2] The good news is that self-confidence is something you can improve! Building self-confidence requires you to cultivate a positive attitude about yourself and your social interactions, while also learning to deal with any negative emotions that arise and practicing greater self-care. You should learn to set goals and take risks, as well, since meeting challenges can further improve your self-confidence.

Steps

Cultivating a Good Attitude

  1. Identify your negative thoughts. [3] Your negative thoughts might sound like this: "I can't do that," "I will surely fail", "no one wants to hear what I have to say." This inner voice is pessimistic and unhelpful and will hold you back from achieving high self-esteem and greater self-confidence.
  2. Turn your negative thoughts to positive thoughts. As you pay attention to your negative thoughts, turn them around to positive thoughts. This may take the form of positive affirmations, [1] such as "I am going to try it," "I can be successful if I work at it," or "people will listen to me." Start with just a few positive thoughts a day.
  3. Refuse to allow negative thoughts to occur more often than positive thoughts. Eventually, your positive thoughts should be given more “brain space” than your negative thoughts. The more you counter your negative self-thinking with positivity, the more natural this will become.
  4. Maintain a positive support network. [3] Connect with those close to you, whether they are family or friends, to keep your perspective uplifted. Furthermore, stay away from people or things that make you feel bad. [3]
    • Someone you call a friend may actually make you feel bad, if they constantly make negative remarks, or criticize you.
    • Even well-intended family members who weigh in with their opinions about what you “should” be doing can be destructive to your self-confidence.
    • As you cultivate your own positive attitude and take steps to achieve your goals these naysayers may become more evident. As much as possible, limit your contact with them while you build your self-confidence.
    • Take some time to think about which people in your life really make you feel great. Make a goal to spend more time with people who are supportive and uplifting.
  5. Eliminate reminders of your negativity. Avoid spending time around things that can make you feel bad about yourself again. These might be reminders from the past, clothing that no longer fits, or places that don’t fit with your new goals of gaining confidence. Though you may not be able to get rid of every negative source in your life, you can certainly think about how to cut your losses. This will go a long way in building your self-confidence up.[4]
    • Take the time to sit down and think about all of the things that are bringing you down, from mean friends, a career you don't much care for, or a living situation that is almost unbearable.
  6. Identify your talents. Everyone is good at something, so discover the things at which you excel, and then focus on your Find-a-Talent. Give yourself permission to take pride in them. Be-Creative, whether it's through art, Play-the-Piano, writing, or dance. Find something you enjoy and cultivate a talent to go with your interest.[4]
    • Adding a variety of interests or hobbies to your life will not only make you more confident, but it will increase your chances of meeting compatible friends as well.
    • When you're following your passion, not only will it have a therapeutic effect, but you'll feel unique and accomplished, all of which can help build your self confidence.
  7. Take pride in yourself. Not only should you feel proud of your talents or your skills, but you should also think about the things that make your personality great. It can be your sense of humor, your sense of compassion, your listening skills, or your ability to cope under stress. You may not think that there's anything about your personality worth admiring, but if you dig deep, you'll realize that you have plenty of admirable qualities. Focus on them by writing them down.
  8. Take-Compliments. Many people with low self-esteem have difficulty taking compliments; they assume that the person complimenting them is either mistaken or lying. If you find yourself responding to a compliment by rolling your eyes, saying, "Yeah, right," or shrugging it off, you should reframe your response to compliments.
    • Take it to heart and respond positively. (Saying “thank you” and smiling works well). Let the person giving the compliment know that you really appreciate it, and work to reach the point where you are able to truly accept the compliment at heart.
    • You can add the compliment to your list of positive attributes about yourself and use it to bolster your self-confidence.
  9. Look in the mirror and smile. Studies surrounding what's called the "facial feedback theory" suggest that the expressions on your face can actually encourage your brain to register or intensify certain emotions.[5] So by looking in the mirror and smiling every day, you might feel happier with yourself and more confident in the long run. This will also help you feel happier about your appearance, and to accept the way you look.[6]
    • Other people will likely respond to you well when you smile at them, so in addition to making yourself feel happier, you may get a boost in confidence due to the feedback you get from other people as well.

Dealing with Emotions

  1. Be comfortable with fear. You may think that people who are self-confident are never fearful. This simply is not true. Fear means you are at your growing edge. [3] Perhaps your fear is speaking in front of a group, introducing yourself to someone you don't know, or asking your boss for a raise.
    • When you are able to confront what you fear, you will gain self-confidence and you will feel the boost immediately!
    • Imagine a baby as she learns to walk. So much possibility awaits her. But she is fearful that she will fall as she takes those first steps. When she conquers her fear, and begins walking, a huge smile covers her face! This is you, pushing past your fears too.
  2. Be patient with yourself. Sometimes you go backwards to go forwards. Gaining self-confidence does not happen overnight. [1] You might try something new and not meet your goal. If possible, see what lessons are there. Not meeting your goal the first time around is an opportunity to learn more about yourself. Self-confidence needs to be nurtured and grown, a bit at a time. [1]
    • For example, perhaps you ask your boss for a raise, and she says no. What can you learn from this? Reflect upon how you went about it. Was there something different you might have done?
  3. Strive for balance. Like everything else in life, building self-confidence is about maintaining balance. Too little self-confidence can keep you from achieving your goals and feeling good about yourself. [1] On the other hand, it's important to be realistic -- you don't want to underestimate the time and effort needed to achieve your goals. [1]
  4. Stop comparing yourself to others. If you want to build your self-confidence, then you have to focus on improving your own life for the better, not on making your life more like your best friend's, your older brother's, or like those of the celebrities you see on television. If you want to build up your confidence, then you need to know that there will always be someone who is prettier, smarter, and richer than you, just like there will always be someone who is less attractive, less intelligent, and less wealthy than you are; all of this is irrelevant, and what is relevant is caring about advancing your own goals and dreams.
    • You may lack confidence because you're convinced that everyone else has it better than you do. However, at the end of the day, it only matters if you're happy by your own standards. If you have no idea what those are, then it's time to do some soul searching before you move forward.
    • Additionally, studies have found that spending time on social media often encourages people to compare themselves with others. Because people tend to post only their triumphs and not their realities of daily life, it can seem as though the lives of others are more wonderful than your own.[7] This is likely not true! Everyone has ups and downs in their lives.
  5. Recognize your insecurities. What does that voice in the back of your mind say? What makes you uncomfortable or ashamed of yourself? This could be anything from acne, to regrets, friends at school, or a past traumatic or negative experience. Whatever is making you feel unworthy, ashamed, or inferior, identify it, give it a name, and write it down. You can then tear or burn these written pieces to start feeling positive on those points.
    • This exercise isn't meant to bring you down. It's meant to make you aware of the problems you're dealing with, and empower you to move past them.
  6. Bounce back from your mistakes. Remember that no one is perfect. Even the most confident people have insecurities. At some point in any of our lives, we may feel we lack something. That is reality. Learn that life is full of bumps down the road. And that often these insecure feelings come and go, depending on where we are, who we are with, the mood we're in, or how we are feeling. In other words, they are not constant. If you've made a mistake, the best thing you can do is to recognize it, apologize, and make a game plan for avoiding it in the future.
    • Don't let one wrong turn make you think you don't have what it takes to achieve your dreams. Maybe you weren't a great boyfriend and your last relationship ended as a result. This doesn't mean you're not capable of turning your act around and finding love in the future.
  7. Avoid perfectionism. Perfectionism paralyzes you and keeps you from accomplishing your goals. If you feel like everything has to be done perfectly, then you'll never be truly happy with yourself or your circumstances.[8] Instead, work on learning to be proud of a job well done instead of wanting everything to be absolutely perfect. If you're in the mindset of a perfectionist, then you'll only be getting in the way of a more confident version of yourself.
  8. Practice gratitude. Often at the root of insecurity and lack of confidence is a feeling of not having enough of something, whether it's emotional validation, material items, good luck, or money. By acknowledging and appreciating what you do have, you can combat the feeling of being incomplete and dissatisfied. Finding the inner peace that accompanies true gratitude[9] will do wonders for your confidence. Take some time to sit and think about all of the things you have going for you, from your wonderful friends to your health.
    • Sit down and make a gratitude list, writing down all of the things you are thankful for. Read it over and add to it at least once a week, and it will put you in a more positive, empowering frame of mind.

Practicing Self-Care

  1. Take care of yourself. There are many small steps to this one action. It involves maintaining your personal grooming by bathing regularly, brushing and flossing your teeth, and eating tasty and healthy food. It also means making time for yourself, even when you are very busy and when others monopolize much of your time.[3]
    • It may not seem this way, but when you take care of your basic needs, you are telling yourself you deserve the time and attention it takes to practice self care.
    • When you begin to believe in yourself, you are on the way to increasing your self-confidence. [2]
  2. Put care into your appearance. You don't have to look like Brad Pitt to start building your self confidence. If you want to feel better about who you are and how you look, then take care of yourself by showering daily, brushing your teeth, wearing clothes that fit you and your body type, and making sure that you've taken time with your appearance. This doesn't mean that superficial looks or style will make you feel more confident, but making an effort to mind your looks tells yourself that you're worth caring about.
  3. Exercise regularly. [2] Part of taking care of yourself is getting exercise. For you, this may mean a brisk walk outside. For someone else, it may mean a 50 mile bike ride. Start where you are now. Exercise does not have to be complicated.
    • Many studies have shown that exercise is essential to a positive outlook on life, [10] and a positive attitude contributes to self-confidence. [2]
  4. Sleep well. Getting 7-9 hours of sound sleep every night can help you look and feel better. It can help you have a more positive attitude and more energy. Plenty of sleep also helps you moderate your emotions and deal with stress more effectively. [11]

Setting Goals and Taking Risks

  1. Set small and achievable goals. [2] Often, people set unrealistic or unattainable goals, and either become overwhelmed with the challenge or never get started.[1] This is a real damper for self-confidence.
    • Gradually adjust your small goals to make the larger goal achievable.
    • Imagine you wish to run a marathon, but are worried you would not be able to achieve this goal. Do not go out and try to run 26 miles on the first day of training. Begin where you are. If you are not a runner at all, set a goal to run just 1 mile. If you can run 5 miles relatively easily, then begin with 6.
    • For example, if you have a messy desk, perhaps it is too overwhelming to think about cleaning the entire desk. Begin by just removing the books and placing them back on the bookshelf. Even stacking the papers neatly to be sorted through later is movement toward the goal of cleaning your desk.
  2. Embrace the unknown. People who lack self-confidence worry that they'll never succeed in an unpredictable situation. Well, it's time to stop doubting yourself and to try something completely new, unknown, and different. Whether you're traveling to a new country with friends or letting your cousin set you up on a date, making a habit of embracing the unknown can help you become more comfortable in your own skin and to feel like you're in control of your destiny — or, rather, that you're okay with not being in control. If you find that you're able to succeed even in a situation you didn't anticipate, then your confidence will go through the roof.
    • Spend more time with people who are adventurous and spontaneous. You'll soon find yourself doing something unexpected and feeling better about yourself because of it.
  3. Address your perceived areas for improvement. There may be some things that you don't like about yourself that you simply cannot change, such as your height or the texture of your hair. However, there are likely many things that you view as weaknesses that you can address with a bit of dedication and hard work.
    • Whether you want to work on being more social or being better in school, you can make a plan to succeed and begin to carry it out. While you may not end up being the most social kid in school or your class valedictorian, you can go a long way in building your self-confidence just by making a plan to start changing for the better.
    • Don't be too hard on yourself. Don't try to change absolutely everything. Start with just one or two aspects of yourself that you would like to change, and take it from there.
    • Keeping a journal where you chart your progress in achieving your goals can make a big difference. This will help you think about how well your plan is working, and it can help you feel pride in the steps you have taken.
  4. Seek to help others. When you know you're kind to the people around you, and are making a positive difference in other people's lives (even if it's just being kinder to the person who serves you coffee in the morning), you'll know that you are a positive force in the world — which will boost your self confidence. Find a way to make helping others a part of your weekly routine, whether you volunteer at your local library or you help your little sister learn to read. The act of helping will not only benefit others, but it will build your confidence because you'll see that you have a lot to offer.
    • You don't have to help someone in your community to feel the benefits of helping others. Sometimes, someone close to you, such as your mother or your best friend, will need your help as much as anyone.

Getting Help Building Confidence

Doc:Ways to Overcome Shyness,Ways to Build Confidence

Tips

  • Do not be afraid to push yourself beyond your physical or mental limits. Such a pressure would help you see how easily things can be achieved and thereby helps you hone skills. Step out of your comfort zone.
  • You can provide yourself with an extra dose of confidence by using the Best Me Technique of self-hypnosis to pre-experience the rewards of a long-term goal, thereby reducing the stress.
  • Do not get wrapped up in your mistakes and dwell on bad points. They could turn out to be a healthy contrast to your good points or even give you something to improve. There is no feeling like being good at something you were really bad at.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 1.3 1.4 1.5 1.6 1.7 http://www.mindtools.com/selfconf.html
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 2.2 2.3 2.4 http://zenhabits.net/25-killer-actions-to-boost-your-self-confidence/
  3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 3.2 3.3 3.4 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201205/building-confidence-and-self-esteem
  4. ↑ 4.0 4.1 http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201205/building-confidence-and-self-esteem
  5. ↑ http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2764988/
  6. ↑ http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/15-simple-ways-get-confidence-back.html
  7. ↑ http://healthland.time.com/2013/01/24/why-facebook-makes-you-feel-bad-about-yourself/
  8. ↑ http://www.anxietybc.com/sites/default/files/Perfectionism.pdf
  9. ↑ http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-start-a-gratitude-practice-to-change-your-life/
  10. ↑ Biddle, S., Fox, K., & Boutcher, S., eds. (2000). Physical activity and psychological well-being. Routledge: New York.
  11. ↑ http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/buildingselfesteem/2014/04/how-sleep-impacts-your-self-esteem/
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