Confess to an Online Lover That You Are Hiding a Secret
Perhaps a small white lie that seemed harmless at the time has since turned into massive deception about your amazing life and credentials... and now you wonder how to come clean with the new lover you met online. Whether you're hiding a small detail about yourself or a whopper of a lie, there is a way to graciously confess that you haven’t been completely truthful in your web spinning tales... Coming clean is important for your future chances together and you'll just have to hope you can continue with the relationship after you've cleared the air.
Steps
- Come to terms with the reasons for why you’ve been lying or “withholding” information from the other person. Maybe you embellished on what you do for a living to make your life sound more attractive or perhaps you told the other person you're thinner, hotter, wealthier, more talented or younger than what is the actual reality. Here are some reasons that might have motivated your desire to gild the lily somewhat:
- You felt that the “real you” wouldn’t be attractive enough for the online lover at the other end. If your self-esteem has taken a nosedive, perhaps you feel as if your current age or physical appearance won’t meld with societal beauty standards. Or perhaps the profile photo of your lover made you feel inadequate. Instead of revealing the truth about who you are, you have massaged, enhanced or totally lied about the facts.
- You wondered if your secret would be too much for the other person to handle. Sometimes people fail to mention certain aspects of their life for fear that other people may be “scared off” as a result. For some, it’s not telling their online lover they have children or grandchildren or that they're still married or have a loved one in prison. For others, it may be the fact that they're unemployed, have 100 cats or are still paying off a huge debt.
- You feel that you're leading an unhappy and unfulfilled life (in some cases, this may not be acknowledged, just "felt"). So, making up a bunch of exciting facts becomes a fun fantasy world in itself and leads you to believe that you're creating a more tantalizing relationship in the process. Do you feel pigeonholed in your life and seek a little zest and excitement? Instead of trying something new in real life, it can be very seductive to get creative and make up a better life online in order to appear more exciting and to encourage your online lover to believe they've hooked someone amazing.
- Pinpoint which bits of information you’ve revealed and what you’ve kept secret. Is what you've hidden from your lover just one big secret? Or is the small white lie that grew stealthily into a giant elephant, bringing along with it the whole circus as you became more and more creative? Depending on which scenario you're in, you'll have either more or less to tackle but both are going to be pretty hard confessions:
- Hiding one big secret: In the case where you didn’t tell your online honey that you have kids or work in a profession that many would consider to be dubious, you can focus on that one aspect in terms of your confession.
- Started as a white lie that snowballed out of control. Are there so many lies and enhancements you don’t even know where to begin? If you are having trouble recalling what you lied about or embellished, go through your online chat history to identify every area where you weren’t completely honest.
- You’ve invented an entirely new life––nothing you've shared is real. If nothing about what you’ve told your online squeeze is real, you may need to reintroduce yourself and start over if you want to try to continue with the relationship.
- Identify your ultimate goal with the online relationship. When you set out to meet someone online, what were you hoping to achieve? Were you just hoping to find someone interesting to talk with or were you looking for a commitment? Knowing your motivation will clarify how much emotional energy you're prepared to invest in untangling the web of deception and making things right again.
- You were looking for a soul mate: Although you may have been looking for a soul mate, hiding an important secret may not be the best way to begin a long-term relationship. In this case, the damage might be done unless your soul mate has an equally wicked sense of embellishing and creating imaginary fronts. You'll need to tread carefully here and not sound desperate or wrecked.
- You were interested in friendship but it evolved into something more. Did you intend to look for companionship or friendship, but your online interaction led to something more romantic? Or was the romantic blossom based on fabrications or information you have not revealed? In this case, the friendship might withstand the exaggerations if you've known each other for some time and if slip ups have already occurred and being forgiven.
- You were hoping to develop your business or online presence in social media. In some cases, people leverage social media to build their business and attract clients. Unfortunately, the basis of conducting a successful business is based on trust, which may be lost by not revealing certain aspects about yourself if you’ve now become romantically entangled. In this case, it might be easy come, easy go; however, business relations are used to negotiation and may be more accepting of a confession that clears the air.
- You were bored and looking for a little spicy drama. Tired of the same job, people and city and looking to jazz things up a bit? You may not be looking for Mr. or Ms. Right but perhaps Mr. or Ms. Right Now in your fantasy world. In this case, it might stay at fantasy level, especially if your boredom continues because the Internet won't solve whatever is driving your boredom. However, if you can overcome what drove the boredom and you're not turning your online lover into a "solution" for your problems, it's possible you might be able to work things out together.
- Hint to your lover that you have something important to discuss with him or her. Prepare your online love that you will need his or her full attention in the near future to discuss something important.
- Send your online lover an email, text or private message that doesn’t reveal your exact secret but clarifies that you need to talk. Don’t get into specifics via email or text; instead, wait until you are both on the phone. It’s important that you don’t discuss your secret via email or text because you will need to engage in dynamic dialog to describe your secret and allow your online sweetheart the ability to respond. Another alternative is using Skype; if you want your lover to realize your real age and looks, turn on the video. For that matter, it might even be politic to meet in a public place.
- Identify a specific time and method, preferably by phone, to have a discussion. Make sure you allow enough time for you to tell your secret, describe what’s been going on with you and allow enough time for your online love to respond. Your discussion may go beyond his or her response, so schedule time when you won’t be interrupted for possibly a few hours (however there’s always the chance he or she should hear what you have to say and promptly hang up the phone).
- Begin the conversation on a positive note. Don’t drop a bomb on your lover straight away; instead, start the conversation by telling him or her how much you're enjoying the relationship and their company.
- Talk about how your new relationship has enhanced your life. Share some of the ways “meeting” this person online has brought positive energy to your life and has made you a stronger or better person.
- Recall positive conversations you’ve had and the similarities you share. Cite examples to back up your assertions that this new relationship has been a highlight and positive. Remind him or her about all the things you have in common (provided they fall under the “truth” category).
- Ask for feedback from your lover about how he or she believes the relationship is going. Make sure your online sweetheart is able to respond and share his or her experiences with meeting you online.
- With the positive talk opening the discussion, proceed to tell your lover that you’ve been plagued with guilt over a secret or misinformation you’ve relayed during your online relationship. Make sure he or she knows that there was no malice behind your secret and that you thought that if you kept information from him or her (or gave false information), you could forge a stronger bond before you revealed the truth. Some things to make clear include:
- Your intention was not meant to hurt or harm him or her in any way. Although you may know that not telling the entire truth or having a secret may have lead to hurting the other person, do what you can to convey that wasn’t your intention.
- The person he or she has been conversing with is the same “person” but that your lover does not have all the facts. Remind the other person that although you may not have told him or her everything or fudged the truth, the person he or she has been conversing with all along is the same individual.
- Reveal your secret. Start from the beginning if you’ve been harboring a complicated secret. If necessary, refer to your records (printed from an online thread) if you’ve told a series of lies in order to restore the truth. In revealing what you've said, be sure to adhere to the following:
- Don’t make excuses for lying or misleading the other person. Simply deliver the information. Lay out the facts in a clear, concise manner so there is no room for misinterpretation or question. Tell your online everything––don’t leave anything out.
- Explain the point at which things got "out of control" if you feel that after the first lie, it just got easier to tell more. This isn't an excuse but it is a means for explaining your weakness for embellishing.
- If you can, explain what has been truthful in what you've said. Your lover is going to ask, so you may as well get some of the facts in too.
- Be ready to answer the big question: "But why?" Again, make no excuses; stick to the facts and be absolutely honest about your motivations.
- Accept that this is going to be very awkward for both of you. Try to stand in their shoes, to realize how it would feel if they suddenly opened up and told you that everything you knew about them was fabricated and that the reality is vastly or mostly different. It'd be uncomfortable, unpleasant and sometimes downright shocking. You need to leave space for their reactions and let them say their piece.
- Allow your lover to respond and don’t interrupt. After you’ve revealed your secret provide the other person with ample time to respond. Don’t make excuses for your behavior when they ask you why, but be straight and tell him or her why you believe you lied or didn’t tell the entire truth.
- Understand that by telling him or her your secret you may lose the relationship. You must be comfortable knowing that you have no control over what the other person does and before you reveal your secret you should know that a real possibility exists that he or she will want to sever communication with you.
- Avoid trying to make your lover "see sense"; you've lost any moral high ground by lying, so you'll just have to wait for their compassion and understanding to filter through, if ever. If it doesn't happen, it's a big lesson for you.
Warnings
- While it might not be as much fun at first, think carefully about starting with lies rather than honesty - especially if you're hoping to meet The One. Starting off with lies gives you three problems:
- you need to keep them all straight (while the truth is a lot easier to remember);
- it gets you in the habit of lying; and
- if you meet The One, he/she might never fully trust you again.
- Don't be naive in the midst of your own personal lying crisis. It's quite possible that your online lover has embellished as much as you. In fact, if your online lover spotted your slip ups and whoppers, he or she may have thought this was a great game and joined in. Be prepared for this possibility and for the fact that two peas-in-a-pod exaggerating to each other might mean it turns out fine. That's the Internet for you.
- Proceed with extreme caution when meeting new people online. Never reveal your actual location or personal facts (like social security number or physical address) to someone you don’t know online. There is a big difference between being honest about your likes and dislikes, looks and hobbies and giving away your social security number. Use your common sense and be wise online.
