Connect With People

Whether you want to connect with people socially, make a great first impression, or to build connections for work, it can be a bit intimidating to find a way to bond with people, at first. However, if you focus on showing that you really care about the person you’re talking to, make some meaningful conversation, or work on making people feel comfortable, then you’ll be on your way to connecting with anybody without a hitch.

Steps

Connecting with People Socially

1. Find common ground. This can feel like a daunting task when you don’t know very much about the person you’re talking to, but finding common ground is easier than you think. Just be on the lookout for things that the person says during the course of a casual conversation to see if it can lead to some common ground, such as a favorite sports team, band, or even the fact that you and the person both have five siblings. The key here is to really listen to people and to see if you can spot something that can help you bond.
   • You don’t need to ask the person fifty questions to find common ground, either; let it come up naturally during the course of a conversation.
   • You may think that you and the person you’re talking to have nothing in common, but just one or two things that you can talk about can really help you connect. It can be a favorite obscure author, the fact that you both randomly grew up ten miles from each other, or the fact that you both speak Japanese. Don’t get discouraged if you feel like the two of you couldn’t be more different, at first.
2. Give people sincere compliments. One way to connect with people socially is to give them sincere compliments. This means that you should find something about them that is truly admirable and make them feel good about themselves without overdoing it too much. You don’t want to sound like you’re sucking up, but like you’re genuinely admiring them. Just giving one good compliment per conversation will do just fine. As long as you avoid complimenting physical attributes or overly personal subjects, you won’t be coming on too strong. Here are some sample compliments you can give:
   • “You’re so good at talking to new people. How do you do it?”
   • “Those earrings are so unique. Where did you get them?”
   • “I’m so impressed that you can juggle being a parent and working full-time. I don’t think I could do that.”
   • “I saw your tennis match yesterday. You have a killer serve!”
3. Follow up about something the person mentioned before. This is a great trick for connecting with people you already know and care about. If the last time you hung out with your friend, she was talking about a big job interview coming up or about a new guy she was really excited about, then you better make sure to follow up about it when you see her next, or even to text her asking how it’s going. You want people to feel like you actually care about what they tell you and that you remember it even when you’re not together.
   • If your friend has to bring up that important thing you were talking about last time and you have to say, “Oh, right, how did that go?” then it looks like you didn’t really care that much to begin with.
   • Your friends need you to support and care about them, and if you want to really connect with them, then you have to ask about the important things in their lives. This can even help you strengthen a bond with an acquaintance who may be pleasantly surprised when you ask about something he mentioned the last time.
4. Make other people comfortable. Another way to connect with people you already know is to make them comfortable. Just take down your guard, be friendly, compliment them, and make them feel at ease in your presence. Don’t be judgmental about what they say, give them confused looks, or generally act like there’s something wrong with the person. Also, don’t stand at a distance or look like you’re not really paying attention; make people feel safe and happy to be talking to you, and you’ll be able to connect with them much more easily.
   • Work on exuding warmth and positive energy and letting people feel like they can tell you anything and will feel safe. If they get the feeling that you’re criticising them deep down or that you’ll share what they tell you with your five closest friends, then you won’t be able to connect with them.
   • If one of your friends is having a bad day, a bit of affection, whether it’s a pat on the back or a hand on her arm, can make her feel more at ease.
5. Open up. If you really want to connect with people, then you have to be ready to open up to them and let them see a part of who you are. Some people aren’t able to connect with others because they are too guarded or too afraid to really be vulnerable with other people. You don’t want people to think that you’re too closed off or too private; though you don’t have to let them know every little thing about yourself, as you get to know people, you should work on revealing some personal information so they feel that you’re more human and that they can really connect with you. Here are some things you can talk about:
   • Your childhood
   • Your relationship with your family members
   • Past romantic relationships
   • Your hopes for the future.
   • Something funny that happened to you that day
   • A past disappointment
6. Thank people. Another way to connect with people is to take the time to really thank them. This makes them feel appreciated, like you’re paying attention, and like you’re aware that they’re adding value to your life. Make sure people feel appreciated and be honest and open about how much they mean to you. Even if you’re just thanking a coworker for giving you a helpful piece of advice or thanking your neighbor for looking after your cat, making an effort to truly show gratitude can really help you connect with people.
   • Don’t just say “Thanks!” or send a thank-you text. Take the time to look the person in the eye, to say the word “thank you,” and to elaborate on why what this person did really meant so much to you.
   • Research also shows that thanking people will make you feel happier and will make both you and them more likely to help people in the future. Everybody wins!
7. Make an effort to continue your relationships. Though it may sound obvious, many people aren’t able to truly connect with people because they don’t follow up and continue their relationships with them, even if they do truly like the person. This is either because of laziness, shyness, or because people feel like they’re too busy to hang out with too many people. But if you really want to connect with people, then you have to be willing to put in more than half an hour’s worth of small talk.
   • If you feel like you’ve really connected with someone, invite that person to a low-key hangout, such as grabbing a drink or getting coffee.
   • Don’t be a flake. If people invite you somewhere, then you should follow through or have a good excuse if you don’t. If you develop a reputation for being a flake, then people won’t want to hang out with you.
   • Though it’s important to get alone time, if you never put yourself out there, then you won’t ever be able to build your relationships. Make an effort to be social at least 2-3 days a week, even if it just means grabbing lunch with someone.
8. Be present. If you really want to connect with people, then you have to work on being present in the conversation. If you’re already thinking about what you’re going to have for dinner or whom you’re going to talk to next, then the person you’re talking to will know and won’t like you any more for it. Work on making eye contact, really listening to what the person is saying, avoiding your phone or people walking by, and making the person see that you’re only focused on being in the moment.
   • Working on being fully present in a conversation can make you feel more able to enjoy the moment you’re in and will therefore make you a better conversationalist. You’re not likely to make a good first impression if you’re too worried about the interview you have coming up to say anything worth repeating.

Connecting with New People Right Away

1. Smile and make eye contact. If you want to connect with someone immediately, then smiling and making eye contact, which go in hand, are absolutely key as you introduce yourself and start the conversation. Research has proven than smiling is actually contagious, and your smile will make the person more likely to smile and to be open to you. Sustained eye contact can make the person feel like you really care about what he or she has to say and can make him or her much more likely to like you.
   • Though you can break eye contact occasionally so the conversation doesn’t feel too intense, you don’t want the person to think you have other things on your mind.
   • You can practice smiling at people just when you’re walking by them so you’re more likely to radiate positive energy.
2. Use the person’s name. Using a person’s name can make that person feel important—or at least important enough for you to remember his or her name. Just saying something like, “It was great to meet you, Amy,” at the end of the conversation can really make the person feel much more connected to you. There’s nothing that will make a person feel more insignificant than saying, “What was your name again?” or “I just can’t seem to ever remember your name…” and if you really want to connect with new people, then you should not only remember their names, but use them.
   • Don’t use the fact that you have a supposedly terrible memory as an excuse. If you really want to immediately connect with people, then you should make a real effort to remember their names.
3. Have open body language. Your body language can help you look more approachable and more open, which will instantly make people like you more. If you want a new person to connect with you immediately, then you should turn your body toward that person, stand tall, avoid fidgeting or crossing your arms over your face, and direct your energy toward that person without coming on too strong.
   • If you’re turned away from the person, fold your arms over your chest, or slouch, then the person will feel like you’re really not interested in what he or she has to say.
4. Don’t underestimate the value of good small talk. You may think that small talk is meaningless and only meant for people who want to make superficial connections, but making good small talk will actually allow you to make real connections and build toward deeper relationships with people. When you start connecting with people you know, you don’t talk about the meaning of life or how your life was affected by your grandmother’s death right away; you first ease into a more serious relationship by talking about lighthearted subjects and getting to know people little by little. Here are some tips for making great small talk:
   • Use simple topics to transition into deeper conversation. You can casually comment that there was perfect weather over the weekend and then ask your conversational partner whether he did anything fun to take advantage of it.
   • Ask questions that are open-ended instead of ones that can be answered with a simple “yes” or “no” to keep the conversation going.
   • Notice your environment. If you see a flyer for an awesome concert on campus, you can ask the person you’re talking to whether he’s going or what he thinks of the band.
   • Keep things lighthearted. You don’t want to turn someone off by talking about dark or intense topics too soon.
5. Make the person feel special as soon as you can. Though you don’t need to shower the person with endless praise, just making a small comment that makes the person see that you think he or she is impressive or interesting in some way as soon as you can will definitely help you connect with new people. At the end of the day, all people want is to feel special. Here are some casual comments you can make to make the person feel special right away:
   • “I’m so impressed that you wrote an entire novel. I can’t imagine doing that.”
   • “It’s amazing that you can speak three languages.”
   • “I feel like we’ve met before. It’s so easy to talk to you.”
   • “You have such a unique laugh. It’s contagious.”
6. Ask questions. Another way to get a person to like you right away is to focus on being interested instead of interesting. Though you can try to impress the person by being utterly fascinating or entertaining, it’s much easier to show a genuine interest in the person and to show that you actually care about who the person is and what he has to offer to the world. Though you don’t need to make it seem like an interrogation, just a few simple well-timed questions can make the person much more likely to connect with you. Here are some things you can ask about:
   • The person’s hobbies or interests
   • The person’s favorite bands
   • The person’s favorite things to do in town
   • The person’s pets
   • The person’s weekend plans
7. Keep things positive. People like to feel happy and upbeat more than they like to feel sad or upset; it’s only logical that people are much more likely to connect with you and to want to spend more time around you if you keep things positive and work on talking about the things that excite you and make you happy. Though everyone likes to complain, you should focus on being positive and complaining a bit when you know the person, if you really need to. You want to send of positive energy that makes other people feel more positive around you; this will make it much easier for you to connect with people than being sad or angry the whole time.
   • If you catch yourself making a negative comment, try to counter it with two positive comments so people still think of you as upbeat.
   • This doesn’t mean you have to change your entire personality or fool anyone. It just means that you should focus on the good things in your life when you meet new people if you want them to remember you fondly.
8. Show that you’ve been listening. Taking the time to really listen to people can be one of the best ways to make them connect with you right away. When a new person talks to you, make sure you really hear what the person is saying instead of interrupting or waiting for your turn to speak; once the person is done talking, respond in a way that shows you’ve really taken everything the person has said into account. This will make the person feel much more connected to you.
   • If you bring up something the person said earlier in the conversation, the person will feel really impressed. Most people feel like people don’t hear them out enough, and if you can show that you’re really listening, you’ll be making a great impression.

Connecting with People for Work

1. Lean on your existing connections first. You may not think that you know anybody who can help you with your career, but you’d be surprised by how many people you know may know somebody who knows somebody. If you’re looking for a new job or want to take your career in a new direction, reach out to the people you know to see who they know; you can even send an email to your friends describing the kind of position you’re looking for as well as your qualifications, and see who can help you out.
   • Don’t think that using your connections instead of getting a job “on your own” is somehow being sleazy or cheating the system. You’re just playing the game instead of being played. Research has shown that a whopping 70-80% of jobs are found because of networking, so don’t be afraid to take this initial step. In the end, it’s unlikely that anyone will hire you based on networking alone, and you’ll still have to prove yourself.
2. Have your pitch prepared. If you want to be able to connect with anyone to find a job, then you have to know how to sell yourself—and how to do it quickly. You may only have a minute or two to meet someone who can help you find a job, and when you do that, you have to make yourself stand out. You can’t just make small talk about the weather, but make the person remember you and see you as someone he would want to help.
   • Whether you’re selling yourself or selling a product, the most important thing is to have a strong opening line that either shows why you are a candidate the employer can’t miss out on, or why your product is something he must invest in.
   • Keep it short and snappy and end by giving the person your business card and saying you’re looking forward to hearing from that person. Of course, you should make sure the person has a genuine interest in you or your product.
3. Find a way to help the person out. Another way to make connections for work is to find a way to help the person you want to connect with. You may have to think outside the box a bit and to find something you can do that doesn’t directly have to do with your career; for example, if you know the person is writing a memoir, then you can offer to give feedback on it because of your writing background; if you know the person is looking for a venue for his daughter’s wedding, tell him that your aunt can offer him an amazing location at a discount.
   • Don’t think that you have nothing to offer to the world. Just because you’re trying to network, you still have plenty of skills and abilities that can benefit other people in a variety of ways.
4. Be persistent. You may think that being persistent is a turn off and that, if an employer or a business connection really was interested in you, then that person would make this clear the first time around. However, you’d be surprised by how often people get approached by others; make yourself stand out by making that extra phone call, connecting with that person at a business or social event, or sending a follow-up email. Though you don’t want to be annoying, you also don’t want to give up too early, either.
   • Think about it: the worst thing that can go wrong is that you keep trying to get the person’s attention and he doesn’t get back to you. Well, that’s exactly where you started so it’s not as if you’re worse off, is it?
5. Be memorable. Another way to network with people is to make sure that you stand out in their minds. You have to find a way to be remembered, even if it’s by a small detail, such as the fact that you speak fluent Japanese, or that you and the person you met both are obsessed with the Russian author, Sergei Dovlatov. You only have to find one or two ways to really stand out to people so you can remind them of who you are later when you try to get in touch with them.
   • If you find a way to stand out, then you can say something simple in a follow up email like, “We met at the Business 101 event. It was so great to find another person who loves Sergei Dovlatov as much as I do!”
   • Of course, this doesn’t mean you have to take it too far and go so out of your way to stand out that it comes off as obnoxious. You don’t need to make a lime green resume or do a tap dance to be remembered—unless you want to be remembered unfavorably.
6. Connect with people close to them. Another way to connect with more people when you’re networking is to connect with people close to the people you really want to meet. Check out LinkedIn to look for mutual connections, or even ask the people you do know to connect you to someone who knows someone. Don’t be shy about it and work on building towards having a wider net of work connections.
   • You never know who can be useful to you, so make sure to be friendly, kind, and approachable to anyone in your orbit.
7. Make it easy for people to reach you. It goes without saying that if you want to connect with people for work, then you have to make it very easy for them to get in touch with you. You should have business cards with you at all times, have a phone people can easily reach, and even promote yourself with a website or blog. If someone has heard about you, for example, then you want that person to be able to find you just with a quick Google; you don’t want to deprive yourself of networking just because you don’t have a personal website.
   • Many companies even ask to see your personal website when you apply for a job nowadays. You don’t want to miss out on this opportunity because you don’t have a personal site. If you use sites like Wix or Wordpress, it’s free and easy and only takes about 1-2 hours to set up, even if you’re not tech savvy.

Sources and Citations

See also

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• Attract an ISTJ Personality
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• Impress a Guy
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