Cope With Insults

Everyone gets insulted every once in a while, no matter your gender, race, or age. While you probably expect to feel verbally slighted at some point, it doesn't ease the pain, embarrassment, or humiliation when it happens. Learn how to evaluate the offensive remark for motive, embrace the vulnerability that comes with being a target, and minimize the chance of future insults.

Steps

Responding to an Insult

  1. Decide what response, if any, is necessary. Use the information gleaned about the person, the context, and how an outsider might view the insult to determine your reaction. [1]
  2. Ignore the insult. Choosing to ignore an insult can give you power over the offender. People make offensive remarks for some sort of reaction--perhaps to embarrass you or get under your skin. When you ignore the slight, as if you didn't even hear it, they don't get the satisfaction of seeing you react.
    • Consider insults like a game of tennis. Someone can serve you the ball, but it's up to you if you choose to hit it back. When you don't, the person eventually gets bored and moves along.[2]
  3. Laugh it off.[3] Another way to be a good sport - or prevent someone from getting under your skin - is to react with a brief chuckle and a witty comeback. Humor can serve to undermine the insult, bring the audience on your side, and remove tension from the environment.[1]
    • For example, your coworker insults your idea on how you should handle a client. You might respond by saying "Ha! Here I was thinking you actually had a solution".
  4. Accept it. Think of the insult as the other person's opinion only. We're all entitled to them, but it doesn't necessarily mean the opinion is true or shared by others. However, if the person is genuine and has no reason to offend you or get a rise out of you, you might consider whether you want to consider his words as constructive criticism rather than an insult.[1]
  5. Don't get mad or defensive. This is generally the route you don't want to go. Getting angry doesn't do any favors for you or the person you're upset with. And, frequently, becoming defensive can put the audience on the side of the person who did the insulting, making it seem as if you can't handle criticism.
    • A better angle to responding with anger or defensiveness is to aim for acceptance. Remember, you can always learn from another's perspective of you, even if the opinion is erroneous. Take advantage of criticism to further enhance your understanding of yourself and the world around you.[4]
  6. Forgive and move on. If you have decided that the person meant you no harm - or, if there was some truth to the insult despite the sting - you may make decision to forgive the offender and move on. It's up to you to forgive, as forgiveness cannot be successful if it is half-hearted. Keep in mind, however, that choosing to forgive releases bitterness and anxiety and helps you better connect with people around you.[5]
    • Are you unsure how to forgive? You can forgive by taking an active role in the situation and stepping out of the victim role. Acknowledge your part, if you had any, in the comment. Choose to not let the insulting remark have power over you anymore.

Evaluating Motives

  1. Think about who the insult came from. Getting a clear sense about the details of the slight can help you better judge how you should Handle an Insult. The different people in our lives all have unique ways of communicating with us, so think carefully about who it was that insulted you.[6]
    • Who made the statement? Was it your mom who is always tossing around constructive criticism? Was it your best friend who never really says hurtful things? Or, was it a jealous coworker who gets a rise from seeing you turn red and stammer?
  2. Consider the contextual factors of the insult. The context in which an insult is conveyed can also help you determine what your response should be.[6]
    • A good way to determine someone's motive within a context is where it was said and who the cheap shot was said around. If your boss pulled you into her office to provide feedback on your work ethic, this slight was probably not ill-intended but rather driven to help you improve. However, if a friend or sibling makes a nasty comment about you in the middle of a dinner party, this person may have had some ill-intent. Or, at the very least, he didn't think his remark through before impulsively sharing it aloud.
  3. See the situation from the eyes of a stranger. Can't quite decide what the person's motives are, or what reaction you should give? It may help to take a step back and observe the insult from another's point-of-view.[7]
    • Was anyone else present? What was their response? Did they look at you with pitying eyes or simply continued what they were doing as if nothing had happened? If the same happened to a friend would you think she's being a doormat or taking things too personally?

Owning Your Vulnerability

  1. Acknowledge your feelings. Without pushing them away, feel whatever emotions come to you. Avoid any judgments about yourself, simply recognize how you feel and the fact that it's okay to feel this way. Think of your emotions like children. You don't want them driving the car, but you don't want to stuff them in the trunk either.
    • Give yourself a few moments to sit in your feelings. Then, gain control of your emotions by thinking about what actions you'd like to take moving forward. What are these feelings trying to tell you? What can you do to come to peace with the situation?
  2. Be resilient to shame. If shortly after the insult, you find yourself inwardly criticizing yourself for being not ___ enough, you need to take measures to resist shame. Shame is an emotion that you do not want running the show because it inhibits you from being vulnerable and connecting with your true self. When you feel shame, it means you are beating yourself up for not meeting your own or someone else's approval.[8]
    • Resist shame by living out your values. When you are acting and making decisions that support your personal values, you connect with your true self. That way even if someone else has an issue with your choices, you can feel confident that they reflected your innermost desires and beliefs.
    • If you are not sure what qualities are important to you, learn how to define your personal values here.
  3. Take a look at your beliefs. Another step towards healthy vulnerability is practicing self-awareness. When you engage in conscious self-awareness you are able to examine your personality traits, beliefs, and reactions to stress to see whether these factors are working for or against you.[9]
    • Do you have strong principles that may be contributing to your feeling insulted? Is your reaction a repeated behavior that causes you excessive grief? Are your relationships often compromised by values such as pride or a strong belief in right or wrong? Are these beliefs serving your emotional well-being?
  4. Assess the slight for truth. Whether good or bad, the people in our lives often represent mirrors. They see our habits, behaviors, and beliefs sometimes much more clearer than we ourselves do. Is there some slight nugget of truth within this insult?[6]
    • For example, your friend made a comment about you not being open-minded. You got angry and refused to see it her way. Was there some hint of honesty in her words? Do you guys often bump heads because you have very rigid ways of viewing life?
    • Noticing some truth within an insult may contribute to the sting, but this is also a perfect time to seriously consider making a change.


Tips

  • Listen to your friends! It may be there is a genuine problem you need to deal with, which the person insulting you is pointing out in a not-so-gentle fashion. Ask your friends if the insulting person had a point. Don't, however, act purely on the basis of the insult.
  • Write a letter or email to the person. Be careful not to be angry or emotional, and simply ask for an explanation of their behavior. Don't try this if it's clear they mean to insult you.
  • Don't dwell! If you let your mind ruminate on the insult for too long, you may become bitter.
  • Don't start a fight with this person. Under many circumstances, the insult may not have been intended in that way.

Warnings

  • Don't attack someone! If you attack someone who insulted you, or otherwise intentionally start a fight, you're asking for serious (and potentially legal) trouble.
  • Don't become over-confident either! Becoming unable to listen to genuine advice inhibits your personal growth. Truly take time to see if there was any truth to the insult.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201302/how-deal-insults-and-put-downs
  2. ↑ http://www.frominsultstorespect.com/2013/11/24/responding-to-insults-by-ignoring/
  3. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/08/30/dealing-with-insults-dont-take-anything-personally/
  4. ↑ http://www.frominsultstorespect.com/2012/04/21/criticism-and-wisdom/
  5. ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692
  6. ↑ 6.0 6.1 6.2 http://www.practicalspirituality.info/10-Tips-for-Coping-with-Criticism.html
  7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/enlightened-living/201005/gaining-perspective-someone-else-s-perspective
  8. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/08/17/overcoming-shame-to-connect-with-your-true-self/
  9. ↑ http://www.wright.edu/~scott.williams/LeaderLetter/selfawareness.htm
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