Deal With Bad News

Receiving bad news can be incredibly jarring and turn your world upside-down. Not only do you need to manage all the consequences of the news (like doctor’s appointments, bills, or insurance reports), but you also need to handle the effects that bad news can have on your physical and mental health. You may feel tired, stressed out, or unable to cope. Understand that everyone responds to stress and trauma in different ways, and you can find ways to take care of yourself as you deal with your bad news.

Steps

Taking Care of Your Physical Health

1. Breathe. In the immediate aftermath of receiving bad news, you may find it difficult to breathe. You may feel tightness in your chest, a pit in your stomach, or feel like you can’t catch your breath. Focus on your breathing and breathe deeply.
   • When people are stressed out, they often hyperventilate. Spend some time focusing on breathing into your belly (rather than your chest), inhaling through your nose, in order to reset your breathing.
2. Drink water. Hyperventilating and breathing through your mouth (as you may do when you are stressed out) can lead to a dry mouth and thirst. You may be crying a lot, depending on the nature of the bad news, which can dehydrate you. You may also be too distracted to feel your body’s normal cues. Keep this in mind and remember to stay hydrated.
   • You may want to carry a bottle of water around with you to help you to remember to drink.
3. Get a good night’s sleep. As the saying goes, “Everything looks better in the morning.” You may be better able to process the news and figure out your next steps following some sleep.
   • Sleep aids in regulation of emotions. Think of an overtired toddler, throwing a tantrum over a broken cracker. That child will be back to a normal, cheerful kid after naptime. You may find that sleep helps you think more clearly and logically about your bad news.
   • You can also try taking a power nap to reset yourself.
   • Getting sleep when you are stressed can be difficult. Learn some bedtime relaxation techniques like turning off electronic devices, listening to calming music or a guided meditation, or taking a bath.
4. Exercise. Release all the stress, tension, and anxiety you are carrying from the bad news by exercising. Exercise produces endorphins, which help you feel better, as well as helps you feel more energized and alert.
   • Try taking a walk. Even moderate physical activity can help improve your mood and lower your stress level.
   • Take some time out for yourself to play your favorite sport or go to the gym.
5. Prepare for fatigue. Bad news can be exhausting. Your brain is working overtime as it tries to process your news or problem-solve. You may also be forced to take on extra responsibilities as a result of this bad news.
   • For example, if you received the news that your father was in a serious car accident, you may not only be emotionally drained, you may also be busy visiting him at the hospital, obtaining the police report, contacting his insurance company, and supporting your mother.
   • Go easy on yourself and give your permission to let non-essential things slide during this time. For example, let the dirty dishes pile up in the sink, or reschedule a work meeting if you can.
6. Avoid numbing behaviors. You may be tempted to manage your pain by drinking, using drugs, or binge eating. Keep in mind that these behaviors only temporarily dull your feelings and do nothing to help you work through your bad news. These behaviors only create a cycle of feeling the pain and numbing the pain. They do not help you process the pain.
   • If you feel compelled to drink to excess, use drugs, or binge, talk to a friend to help distract yourself, or consider attending a support group meeting, such as Alcoholics Anonymous.

Taking Care of Your Emotional Health

1. Improve your ability to Handle-Disappointment. Bad news can also take the form of something less serious, such as a disappointment. For example, you might feel disappointed when you hear the news that you got a lower grade than you expected in a class, or that someone you like is not interested in you. Try to develop your ability to handle disappointment, such as by identifying something positive in the situation or putting the situation into perspective.
   • For example, you might say to yourself, “I may have only gotten a C in Chemistry, but at least I passed and I got much higher grades in my other classes. Chemistry just isn’t my thing.”
   • Or, you might tell yourself, “It is disappointing that she is not interested in dating me, but I deserve to be with someone who can appreciate me. Knowing the truth now is better than being in a one-sided relationship.”
2. Know that you may be in shock. It is extremely common to not feel much of anything when you first hear the news. You may feel numb, like you are going through the motions. While other people around you may be crying upon hearing the bad news, for example, you may be sitting there in stony silence. Understand that this is normal and does not usually last very long.
   • That feeling of numbness is the brain’s self-protection mechanism to not let too much trauma flow in at once. Slowly you will begin to process the feelings associated with the bad news.
3. Feel the emotions that come to the surface. Don’t bottle them up. You are processing this news and your brain needs to work through it. You work through it by letting your feelings flow through and out of you without judgment. Fear, sadness, anger… whatever you feel is appropriate and normal.
   • It is okay to cry if you hear someone else’s bad news (for example, if your friend tells you he is seriously ill), but do not make the person in crisis comfort you. You could say, “Don’t worry about me, I’m just so sad to hear this bad news.”
   • Your brain will probably be replaying the news over and over again. It’s your mind’s way of getting used to the new information. It’s tiring and annoying but normal.
4. Distract yourself. Processing bad news can be exhausting. Take a break from it if possible and do something you find enjoyable. The problem may be at the back of your mind, but busying yourself for a while will give you a sense of normality. You may even find yourself feeling a bit better.
   • You might decide to see a comedy with your friends, go shopping, read a book, or do a puzzle.
5. Reach out to your support network. Find people you trust who can be a shoulder to cry on as you process your bad news. Look for friends, family, clergy, or others who can listen supportively without offering advice or judgment.
   • Make sure you are talking to people who can support you in the bad news, not the people who are currently experiencing the bad news. If you found out that your mother has cancer, for example, you may be devastated and need support of your own. However, you need to seek support from someone other than your mother, who is dealing with the biggest crisis.
6. Look for professional support. You may find it beneficial to seek out more structured, professional help for a number of reasons. Perhaps you just moved to a new city and have no one local to talk to. Or maybe you are tired of relying on your friends to be ready to talk to you. Talking to a counselor or joining a support group will help you feel like you are not alone, and give you strategies to help you cope.
   • Find a support group whose members deal with the problem you are facing. You can contact local hospitals, community service agencies, or look online for local groups near you.
   • Seek counseling if you are struggling to cope with your bad news, and/or do not have a support network available.
7. Find perspective. While your bad news may genuinely be catastrophic and traumatic, keep in mind that these difficult, overwhelming feelings will not last forever. Time is a good healer, and with each passing day you may find yourself working through your feelings and slowly figuring things out. You will find a new normal. Be patient with yourself, as this does not happen overnight.
   • Do your best not to ruminate on the future, creating worst-case scenarios in your mind. This creates additional stress, which you certainly don’t need right now.
   • For example, if you find yourself worrying about far-off possibilities, like leaving the country to seek medical treatment, or wondering if you will need to take out a second mortgage on the house, it is probably time to distract yourself with a self-care activity.
8. Stay confident. Continue to believe in yourself and have faith in the world around you that things will turn out for the best. You may have to overcome obstacles, but believe in your ability to surmount them and succeed.
   • Feeling confident in your ability to handle a situation translates into a greater likelihood of success. Pretend you are a superhero: There’s trouble, but you have the power to fix it.
9. Learn from your mistakes. Perhaps you could have done something differently to avoid your bad news, like studied for your test or been faithful to your spouse, for example. Take some time to reflect on what you could do differently next time. Thinking about what you’ve learned from this experience will help you avoid repeating history, as well as help you maintain a positive attitude. It’s easier to stay positive if you are able to reframe your bad news as a life lesson.
   • Don’t be afraid to try again. Oftentimes, one of the consequences of bad news or bad decisions is that you are afraid to take future risks. Remember that by spending time reflecting on what happened, you will be able to learn from the situation. You will have more understanding of what to do next time.
10. Be flexible. People who are resilient will bounce back from bad news by reevaluating their goals and coming up with a new plan. They do not see bad news as roadblocks; rather, it is a detour, or another destination entirely.
    • Say, for example, that you have had to quit your dream job of owning your own massage therapy business because of a debilitating wrist injury. You are devastated, but while you are reflecting on what to do next, you remember how your favorite thing about massage therapy was helping people relax. Since you already know about running your own business, you decide to open a yoga studio.
    • Develop a habit of Reduce-Stress-with-Positive-Reframing. For example, you might say to yourself, “I didn’t get into my top choice college, but I did get into most of the other schools I applied to.” Or, “Even though getting laid off is scary, it is also exciting because I get to pursue a new career.”

Practicing Self-Care

1. Listen and respond to your body and mind. Your body responds to any kind of stress you experience in life, and you may experience many different emotions and feelings, along with body aches and pains when you are faced with bad news. It is important that you recognize how your mind and body are reacting to this stressful event, and provide yourself with support and attention to address these responses before they get out of hand. If you are not able to take care of yourself, you will not be able to deal with the situation well or take care of others who need you. Seek the help of a therapist if you notice you are having a negative response to stress. Some of the reactions you might experience include:
   • Inability to get to sleep. Or maybe you are able to go to sleep, but wake often due to racing thoughts about the bad news, or having bad dreams and nightmares. In some situations you may oversleep, out of possible increased depressive and anxious symptoms, or avoid dealing with the bad news.
   • Feeling tense and on edge. Maybe you are especially ‘jumpy’, as if you are waiting for something else to happen.
   • Experiencing internal dialogue and ongoing thoughts about bad news. Maybe you're thinking about the ‘what ifs’, the ‘should haves’, ‘would haves’, or ‘could haves’. This may ultimately make it difficult for you to concentrate on your normal daily tasks.
   • Experiencing increased depressive symptoms. These may include increased isolation and anhedonia (inability to enjoy your normal activities), feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, increased irritability or agitation, and mood swings where you feel angry, tearful, and somewhat normal all within a short time frame.
2. Spend time in nature. Being outside helps calm you down, decreases your blood pressure, and helps you become more present by observing what’s around you.
   • Go for a walk. You may not live among the redwoods, but you can still connect with nature by walking through a local park or forest preserve. Walking in nature helps you stop focusing on your bad news and helps you push your “reset” button.
   • Walking outside will also help you get some exercise, which has its own mental health benefits.
3. Write. Spend some time writing down your problems in a journal. This helps your mind organize your thoughts and feelings, and provides an expressive outlet, particularly if you not able to talk to someone as often as you’d like.
   • Writing in a journal will also help you reduce stress.
4. Take a personal day. If you can, skip a day of work or school to rest, relax, and take care of yourself. If you are feeling overwhelmed and unable to concentrate because of your bad news, speak to your employer or school and let them know you need a day to rejuvenate.
   • You could say to your boss, “I need to take today off for personal reasons” or “I need to take a mental health day,” depending on your relationship with your boss and your workplace policy. If your boss is familiar with what you are dealing with, they may be more willing to be flexible.
   • You may wish to spend your day catching up on sleep, writing in a journal, exercising outside, or spending time with a good friend. While you may be tempted to spend the day on the couch, watching TV, this is not the healthiest approach.
5. Connect with your spirituality. You may find your faith to be a source of support for you as you cope with your bad news. Suffering is a universal human concern, and you will find many religious teachings and texts addressing it. Focusing on your spiritual life will help you feel calmer and help you feel better equipped to handle stress.
   • Attend religious services and connect with others in your religious community for support.
   • Pray. Connecting to a higher power and sharing your troubles has been found to help people feel less stressed.
   • Meditate. Not only is meditation proven to help you decrease stress, but it can help you to connect with your spirituality and a sense of “oneness,” a feeling of being connected to the divine.
   • You may have other spiritual practices in your life that promote healing, like using crystals, Reiki, or tarot cards. You may wish to spend some time each day in the practice of your choice to keep yourself present and calm.

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