Deal With Being Taken for Granted

You were taught to respect, be kind, and help out others. However, sometimes people might take advantage of your generosity and kind nature, and expect or demand more from you than is fair or right. Such people may repeatedly ask you for favors, without returning any favors or showing you any respect. When this sort of boundary is crossed, it can be challenging to speak up for yourself and set up appropriate give-and-take. If you feel as if there are people in your life who take you for granted, protect yourself and reset those boundaries.

Steps

Examining the Problem

  1. Acknowledge your feelings. It is important to acknowledge to yourself that you are being taken for granted. You cannot address this problem until you admit that they exist. Research has linked expressing and analyzing your negative emotions to a variety of mental and physical health benefits. Repressing your feelings will only make them worse in the long run.[1]
    • This may be difficult if you have been taught to be "nice" in a way that is passive, that allows people to "take advantage of you" and tells you that you do not have a right to speak up for yourself.
    • For instance, "Do nice things without expecting anything in return." While there is a certain basic goodness in being kind to people without expecting to be rewarded every time, that does not mean you should lend money to a person who is irresponsible with money.
    • Women, in particular, are often conditioned to be "nice" and that speaking up for yourself is somehow not being nice.
    • Remember that sometimes you will be taken for granted. For example, parents often feel as though they are taken for granted. Children progress through different stages of maturity, but sometimes what seems like self-centeredness is often a normal and necessary part of their growth.[2]
    • There is a difference between acknowledging your feelings and dwelling on them. Focusing on negative feelings without analyzing them or working to correct them can leave you feeling worse than when you started.[3]
  2. You have the right to be respected. Social and cultural pressures may encourage you to believe that saying “no” to others when they ask you for things is rude. You may also have been taught to feel that your work is less valuable than others and does not deserve acknowledgement. (This is particularly a problem for women, especially in domestic contexts.)[4] These things can lead to you feeling taken for granted. Everyone has the right to be respected and appreciated, and it isn’t wrong to want to be treated that way.
    • It’s natural to be angry or hurt, and it can be easy to let those feelings take over. Keep your focus on being constructive, rather than venting your anger on the other person.
  3. Think about why you are feeling this way. To address your feelings of being taken for granted, you need to examine what is happening to make you feel this way. Write out a list of the specific behaviors and events that are making you feel unappreciated. You may find things that you can ask the other person to change. You may also find things about your own communication that you need to work on. For example, you may need to practice more clearly communicating your boundaries.[5]
    • Research has shown that “feeling unappreciated” is a common reason why employees leave their jobs.[6] 81% of employees say that they are more motivated at work when their boss acknowledges their work.[7]
    • Studies have also shown that people who feel lonely are more likely to accept unfair treatment and allow others to take advantage of them.[8] If you feel taken for granted, it may be because you are afraid refusing a request would result in loneliness.
    • Be careful of "mind reading", or assuming the motivations of the other person. If you assume you know why a person acts the way they do, you may well guess wrong. This can lead you do make unfair and incorrect assumptions.
      • For example: you may feel taken for granted because you frequently offer rides to a co-worker but they did not return the favor when your car broke down. Without talking to Jenny, you do not really know why. Perhaps she was being a terrible, ungrateful person--or she did not return the favor because she had a dentist appointment that day, or maybe because you did not ask outright, and only dropped vague hints.
  4. Identify what has changed in the relationship. If you feel taken for granted, it may be because you once felt valued by the person who is now taking you for granted. It might also stem from the knowledge that you should feel appreciated but do not. Whatever the cause, identifying what has changed about your interactions with the other person can help you feel better. It can also help you find a solution for the relationship.[9]
    • Try to think back to when you first started interacting with the other person. What did they do that made you feel appreciated? What is not happening that used to? Have you changed anything about yourself?[9]
    • If you feel taken for granted at work, it could be because you feel like your effort is going unrewarded (e.g., you haven’t gotten a raise, you aren’t acknowledged on a project). It could also be because you don’t feel involved in decision-making.[7] Think about what made you feel appreciated about your job and see whether anything has changed.
  5. Think about the other person’s perspective. When you feel injustice in a relationship, whether it’s with a coworker or a romantic partner, it can be hard to consider the other person’s perspective. You feel punished and disrespected, so why should you try to understand why you are being treated this way? Trying to understand what the other person is feeling may be helpful to understanding what is happening. It may also help you work with the other person find a solution to the problem.[10]
    • In the absence of personality disorders or other issues, people don’t usually set out to treat others badly.[11] Accusing someone of being a jerk, even if you feel your opinion is justified, is likely to provoke the other person to respond with unproductive anger. When people feel accused, they often “tune out.”
    • Think about the wants and needs of the other person. Have they changed?[9] Research has shown that sometimes individuals will use passive “distancing techniques,” such as not returning favors and not reciprocating demonstrations of affection or appreciation, when they are no longer interested in the relationship but don’t know how to leave.[12]

Thinking About Your Role

  1. Examine your communication. You are not responsible for others’ behavior, and you should not blame yourself when others are unkind or ungenerous. However, you can control your own actions. If you feel disrespected or ignored by others, you may be able to affect how they respond to you by changing how you communicate and act. The following are some attitudes and behaviors that may encourage others to treat you unfairly:[13]
    • You say yes to everything another person (or any person) asks of you, even if the request is inappropriate or inconvenient.
    • You are not willing to say no or to ask for a revision of expectations out of fear that the other person will not like you or will find fault with you.
    • You do not express your true feelings, thoughts, or beliefs.
    • You express your opinions, needs, or feelings in an overly apologetic or self-effacing way (e.g., “If it wouldn’t be too much trouble, would you...” or “It’s only my opinion, but…”).
    • You think that others’ feelings, needs, and thoughts are more important than yours.
    • You put yourself down in front of others (and often, to yourself).
    • You think that you'll only be liked or loved if you do what other people expect of you.
  2. Consider your beliefs about yourself. Psychologists have defined a set of “irrational beliefs” that can cause hurt and discontent when you hold them. These beliefs often demand more from yourself than from others. They may also use “should” statements. Think about whether you have any of the following:[14]
    • You believe that it is essential to be loved and approved of by everyone in your life.
    • You consider yourself a “loser,” “worthless,” “useless,” or “stupid” if others do not acknowledge you.
    • You use “should” statements frequently, such as “I should be able to do everything anyone asks of me” or “I should always try to please others.”
  3. Recognize distorted thinking. In addition to having irrational beliefs, such as feeling like you should always be able to do anything anyone asks of you, you might also think about yourself in a distorted way. In order to deal with feeling taken for granted, you must confront illogical and distorted thoughts about yourself and others.[15]
    • For example, you might believe that you are responsible for everyone’s feelings (an “internal control fallacy”). This is a common source of feeling taken for granted: you worry about hurting others’ feelings by saying ”no,” so you always say “yes” when they make a request. However, you are not doing yourself or the other person any favors if you aren’t honest about your boundaries.[13] Saying “no” can be healthy and helpful.
    • “Personalization” is another common distortion. When you personalize, you make yourself the cause of something that you aren’t actually responsible for. For example: imagine that your friend has asked you to babysit so she can go to a job interview, but you have an important event of your own at that time that can’t be rescheduled. Personalizing this situation would make you feel responsible for your friend’s situation even though you are not. If you said “yes” even though you really needed to say “no” it might lead to you feeling dissatisfied, because you didn’t respect your own needs.
    • “Catastrophizing” happens when you allow your view of a situation to spiral out of control to the worst possible scenario. For example, you may feel taken for granted because you imagine that if you speak up to your boss, he will fire you and you will end up living in a box. In all likelihood, this won't happen!
    • One of the self-defeating beliefs that can keep you trapped in a cycle of feeling taken for granted is that you don’t deserve anything different. Believing that others will leave you if you displease them can lead to you keeping people in your life that don’t contribute to your happiness or growth.[13]
  4. Think about what you want. You know that you don’t want to feel taken for granted. But what do you want? It will be hard to see any change in your situation if you feel vague dissatisfaction but have no clear ideas on what would improve it. Try making a list of things that you would like to see change about the relationship. Once you know what your ideal interaction looks like, you’ll be able to take better action to get you there.
    • For example, if you feel taken for granted because your children only call you when they need money, think about the way you’d like your interactions to go. Do you want them to call once a week? When they’ve had a good day? Do you want to give them money when they ask for it? Do you give them money because you’re worried they won’t call you at all if you don’t? You need to examine your boundaries so you can communicate them to others.
  5. Honor yourself. Only you can set a boundary and stick to it. You may feel unappreciated because you aren’t communicating your needs and feelings clearly, or it may be because you are interacting with a manipulative person. Sadly, there are people who will manipulate others whenever possible to get what they want.[16] Whether the other person’s treatment of you stems from ignorance or manipulation, don’t assume that the situation will simply clear itself up. You need to take action.
  6. Challenge your interpretations of interactions with others. You may feel taken for granted because you’re allowing yourself to jump to conclusions about how interactions will go. For example, you might believe that the other person will become hurt or angry with you if you tell them “no.” Or you might assume that because someone has forgotten to do something for you, they don’t care about you. Try to slow down and think logically about each situation.
    • For example: you often give your romantic partner gifts to express your love for her or him, but they don’t give you gifts in return. You feel unappreciated because you are tying the other person’s love for you to a particular action. However, your partner might care about you but not demonstrate it through the specific action you’re looking for.[17] Talking with your partner could clear up this misunderstanding.
    • You could also look at how others have handled requests from a particular person. For example, if you feel that your boss is taking you for granted because s/he always gives you the extra weekend work, talk with your co-workers. How have they handled those requests? Have they experienced the negative fallout you expect for yourself? It may be that you’re getting the work piled on because you’re the only person who won’t stand up for yourself.
  7. Learn to be assertive. Communicating assertively doesn’t mean you’re arrogant or unkind. It means that you clearly express your needs, feelings, and thoughts to others. If others don’t know what your needs and feelings are, they may end up taking advantage of you even if they don’t mean to. Research has shown that you can even express negative emotions without hurting others if you do so assertively, rather than aggressively.[18]
    • Communicate your needs openly and honestly. Use “I”-focused statements, such as “I want...” or “I don’t like...”[19]
    • Don’t over-apologize or demean yourself. It’s fine to say no. You do not have to feel guilty denying a request that you don’t feel you can accommodate.
  8. Become comfortable with confrontation. Some individuals will try to avoid conflict at all costs. This may be because they are afraid of displeasing others. It could be because of cultural values (for example, people from a collectivist culture may not view conflict avoidance in a negative light).[20] When your desire to avoid conflict means that you shut down your own needs and feelings, it becomes a problem.[21]
    • Being open about your needs may result in some confrontation, but this is not always negative. Research has shown that conflict, when handled productively, can foster the development of skills like compromise, negotiation, and cooperation.[22]
    • Assertiveness training may help you handle conflict better. Assertive communication has been linked to increased self-esteem.[23] Believing that your own feelings and needs are as important as those of others may enable you to handle a confrontation without feeling defensive or like you need to attack the other person.
  9. Seek help. It can be hard to battle learned helplessness and learned guilt on your own. Once the pattern forms, it can be hard to break, especially if you have had long-term dealings with someone who was in a position of authority over you and made you feel you had to obey all the time. Don't be harsh on yourself––these behaviors have formed as coping mechanisms, ways to protect yourself from harm and threat. The trouble is that they have now become poor coping mechanisms that keep setting you up for the same fall each time. Working through them will help you feel happier and safer.
    • Some people are able to make a decision to work through the issues alone, perhaps with the help of a good friend or mentor. Other people find seeing a therapist or counselor is beneficial. Do what feels most comfortable to you.

Working With Others

  1. Start small. Communicating your needs and standing up for yourself probably won’t come to you overnight. You may want to practice standing up for yourself in low-risk situations before you try confronting someone in a position of authority or importance (e.g., a boss or romantic partner).[24]
    • For example, if a co-worker asks you to bring him or her coffee whenever you go to Starbucks but never offers to pay, you could remind him or her about the cost the next time they ask. You don’t have to be insulting or aggressive when you do this; instead, just say something friendly but clear like “Would you like to give me cash to pay for yours, or would you prefer I put both on my debit card and you can buy the next round?”
  2. Be direct. If you feel taken for granted by others, you need to communicate that to the other person. However, you don’t want to simply come out and say “You take me for granted.” Attacks and “you” statements shut down communication and can make a bad situation worse.[18] Instead, use simple, factual statements to explain your discomfort.
    • Stay calm. You might feel resentment, anger or frustration, but it’s important to keep those emotions under control. While there may be plenty of negative emotions within you, focus on presenting a calm front and letting the other person know that you're not unstable or attacking but that you do mean business.
    • Stick with "I" language. It's easy to fall into the trap of saying things like "you make me miserable" or “you’re a jerk,” but all that does is make the other person defensive. Instead, stick with explaining how things impact you and start your sentences with such phrases as "I feel", "I want", "I need", "I am going to" and "I am doing this from now on".[25]
    • If you’re concerned that enforcing a boundary may seem like you don’t want to help, you can explain the situation. For example, if a coworker asks for your help, you could say something like “I would normally love to help you with that project, but my son’s recital is tonight and I don’t want to miss it.” You can establish that you care about the other person without always caving to requests.[26]
    • Don’t reward hostile or manipulative behavior with positive consequences. “Turning the other cheek” when someone abuses you may only encourage them to continue that behavior. Instead, express your dissatisfaction with that behavior.[27]
  3. Offer ways for the other person to resolve the issue. Others may not even realize that they’ve been taking advantage of you. In most cases, they will want to make the situation right once you bring it to their attention, but they may not know how. Offer ways for the other person to address the problem so that you both can feel positive about your relationship.
    • For example, if you feel taken for granted because your contributions to a group project haven’t been acknowledged, explain how your boss can remedy the situation. You could say something like “My name was the only one left off of that big project. I felt like my work wasn’t valued when that happened. In the future, I’d like you to credit all the team members.”
    • Another example: if you feel like your romantic partner is taking your love for granted because he or she doesn't express feelings clearly, offer some options that would help you feel appreciated. You could say something like “I know you aren’t into flowers and chocolates, but I would like you to occasionally express your feelings for me in a way that feels comfortable for you. Even a simple text during the day would really help me feel more appreciated.”
  4. Use empathy when you interact with others. You don’t have to pick fights to stand up for yourself, and you don’t have to pretend to be an uncaring jerk to say “no” to others. Expressing that you care about the other person’s feelings can help ease tension in uncomfortable situations and make them more willing to listen to your concerns.[28]
    • For example, if your romantic partner always leaves the dishes and laundry for you to do, begin by making a statement of empathy: “I know that you care about me, but when I always end up doing the dishes and laundry, I feel more like a housekeeper than a romantic partner. I would like you to help me with these chores. We could alternate days, or we could do them together.”
  5. Practice what you want to say. It can be helpful to rehearse what you want to say to the other person. Write down the situation or behavior that has upset you and describe what you would like to see change.[29] You don’t have to memorize this verbatim; the point is to become comfortable with what you want to express so that you can communicate it clearly to the other person.[24]
    • For example: imagine that you have a friend who often makes plans with you and then cancels at the last minute. You have begun to feel taken for granted because you don’t feel like your friend respects your time. You might say something like the following:[30] “Terrell, I want to talk to you about something that has been bothering me. We often make plans to hang out together and you end up canceling on me at the last minute. I feel frustrated by this because I usually can’t make new plans with such short notice. I feel like you are taking my time for granted because I always agree to hang out with you when you ask. Sometimes I even wonder if you are canceling because you don’t actually want to hang out with me. The next time we make plans together, I would like you to put them in your planner so you don’t double-book that time. If you really have to cancel, I would like you to call me more than a few minutes beforehand.”
    • Another example: “Sophie, I need to talk to you about babysitting. You asked me a few days ago if I could babysit your son next week, and I said yes. I agreed because I value your friendship and I want you to know that I’m there for you when you need me. However, I have already babysat for you several times this month, and I’m beginning to feel like I’m always on call. I would like you to ask other people to help out too, instead of always asking me.”
  6. Use assertive body language. It’s important to make sure that your words and your behavior match up so you don’t send mixed signals to the other person. If you have to say no to a request or enforce a boundary, using assertive body language can help the other person understand that you are serious.[13]
    • Stand straight and maintain eye contact. Face the person you are speaking to.
    • Speak in a firm, polite voice. You don’t have to shout to make yourself heard.
    • Do not giggle, fidget, or pull funny faces. While these tactics might seem like they would “soften the blow” of your refusal, they can communicate that you don’t mean what you’re saying.[19]
  7. Be consistent. Make it clear to the person that when you say "no", you mean it. Don't give in to any manipulations or “guilt tripping.” People may initially test your boundaries, especially if you’ve frequently given in to demands in the past. Be persistent and polite about enforcing your boundaries.[13]
    • Avoid coming across as self-righteous when you maintain your boundaries by not over-justifying your actions. Too much explanation or insistence on your own perspective may come across as arrogant, even if you don’t mean it to.[31]
    • For example, if a neighbor repeatedly comes over to borrow your tools but often doesn’t return them, you don’t have to make a long speech about your personal rights to decline the next time s/he asks to borrow something. Politely tell the person that you do not want to lend him or her any more tools until s/he returns the others s/he borrowed.

Tips

  • Remember that you want to respect both the other person’s needs and your own. You don’t have to bully others to stand up for yourself.
  • Do not make sacrifices for people unless you can really afford the time, effort, money, and so forth. Otherwise, you could end up resenting them.
  • Be assertive while being friendly; remember to still be polite. Rudeness may just make the other person more hostile.
  • Rational thinking and self-soothing can help you a lot if you're compelled to do other people's bidding out of fear of losing the relationship. Rational thinking helps you to stop making decisions based on fear about the other person’s reactions.
  • Ask the other person what they are thinking and feeling. Don’t mind-read or make assumptions.

Warnings

  • Do not confront someone you fear may become violent. If you have any fears that a person may react violently and you cannot get away from them, seek outside help, such as through a refuge, the police, counselors, family or friends not associated with this person, etc.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ http://pss.sagepub.com/content/16/9/709.short
  2. ↑ http://ehlt.flinders.edu.au/education/DLiT/2000/Piaget/stages.htm
  3. ↑ http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11016119
  4. ↑ http://www.unwomen.org/~/media/headquarters/attachments/sections/library/publications/2013/3/unwomen_iutc_factsheets%20pdf.pdf
  5. ↑ http://spr.sagepub.com/content/21/4/487.short
  6. ↑ http://eprints.qut.edu.au/3263/1/3263_1.pdf
  7. ↑ 7.0 7.1 http://www.forbes.com/sites/jacquelynsmith/2013/11/13/how-to-show-appreciation-and-get-better-results-from-your-employees-this-holiday-season/
  8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight/201009/being-taken-advantage-maybe-its-because-youre-lonely
  9. ↑ 9.0 9.1 9.2 http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/pac/19/3/266/
  10. ↑ http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/03637750128071?journalCode=rcmm20#.VQcU-Y7F-V4
  11. ↑ http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0018506X12000098
  12. ↑ http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1468-2958.2000.tb00765.x/abstract
  13. ↑ 13.0 13.1 13.2 13.3 13.4 http://socialwork.buffalo.edu/content/dam/socialwork/home/self-care-kit/exercises/assertiveness-and-nonassertiveness.pdf
  14. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/rational-emotive-behavior-therapy/0001563
  15. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/15-common-cognitive-distortions/0002153
  16. ↑ http://psycnet.apa.org/index.cfm?fa=buy.optionToBuy&id=1997-06343-015
  17. ↑ http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/the-five-love-languages-tested
  18. ↑ 18.0 18.1 http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/1098-2337(1992)18:5%3C337::AID-AB2480180503%3E3.0.CO;2-K/abstract
  19. ↑ 19.0 19.1 http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/docs/Assertmodule%202.pdf
  20. ↑ http://www.emeraldinsight.com/doi/abs/10.1108/eb022872
  21. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/making-your-team-work/201310/4-tips-overcome-your-conflict-avoidance-issue
  22. ↑ http://www.amsciepub.com/doi/abs/10.2466/pr0.2001.88.1.227
  23. ↑ https://www.jstage.jst.go.jp/article/joh/46/4/46_4_296/_article
  24. ↑ 24.0 24.1 http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/stress-management/in-depth/assertive/art-20044644?pg=2
  25. ↑ https://www.usu.edu/asc/assistance/pdf/assertive_communication.pdf
  26. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/0007498
  27. ↑ http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/think-well/201109/are-you-teaching-people-treat-you-badly
  28. ↑ http://www.uwosh.edu/ccdet/caregiver/Documents/Gris/Handouts/gracasr.pdf
  29. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2010/02/25/building-assertiveness-in-4-steps/
  30. ↑ http://www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter13/chap13_21.html
  31. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201209/how-and-how-not-stand-yourself

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