Deal With Missing Someone
If you miss someone who is special in your life, it's not much fun. While there is no substitute for that person being near you, there are ways to make the waiting more bearable or to help you overcome a permanent loss.
Contents
Steps
When you'll never be close to or with this person again
- Allow yourself to grieve. Grief is very personal and there is no one right way to grieve. What does matter is that you do find your own way to overcome the permanent loss of someone you cared about, whether they've died, cut you off, moved away for good, etc. Give it time, as healing isn't something you can rush.
- If the person you miss has passed away, think of the good times you had with this person. While it is natural to miss this person and to feel a range of emotions, it's also nice to remember the good times. This can provide some balance to what can otherwise be a very bleak time for you.
- If the person has cut you out of his or her life, for whatever reason, but you still see this person regularly, have courage. This can be really tough and it is really hard to keep seeing someone who no longer wants anything to do with you. Be friendly and smile and say hello but don't expect an exchange and don't expect any conversation. By being polite, you can show that you don't bear ill will or have any intention of making things more difficult, but you also shield yourself from ongoing internal negativity. You cannot control the other person's behavior but you can put on a brave front, which is something others see too, not just this person.
- Find new friends or support buddies. If you've lost someone who was always "there for you", find someone new who will be a great source of support. In turn, be supportive of this person so that it's mutual. This isn't about replacing the other person; it's about moving on and growing your friendships and support team, continuing to reach out to people who can make a positive difference in your life.
Accepting the temporary distance of a loved one
- Realize that in the case of someone pursuing a dream, job or hobby, the distance may be essential. If the distance is temporary, for a few weeks, months or even years, you know it will come to an end and that you'll need to readjust your life to work for you in the meantime. Whether it's a spouse, a partner, a child or a best friend, people sometimes need to move away for very good reasons. Accepting that the need is driven by something beyond you is part of letting go of trying to control the change, and starting on your way to working out how to manage the distance as best you can. Think about:
- How long will this person be gone for?
- How will we stay in touch?
- What plans can I make to get on with things for now?
- Strike a deal with your globetrotter spouse or partner. It can be hard to accept that Matt would rather mountain-climb than stay at home with you and do the gardening and it can be equally difficult to accept that Georgia would rather volunteer in Outer Mongolia than working in the local charity shop but realize that chasing a passion isn't necessarily about letting you down. If you got attached to a person who must globetrot, then it's important to seek to accept this person's need to do exciting, monumental or career-driven things as part of this person's makeup. It doesn't mean belittling your own needs but it does mean that the two of you need to set ground rules that allow both of you to lead fulfilling lives while staying connected in some shape or form. It is important therefore, to strike a deal about how the two of you will stay in touch, how much time will be spent apart and how much time will be spent together. In this way, you can look forward to the times spent together, rather than feeling as if you're going to die from the pain of constantly missing this person.
Staying in touch
- Use all the communication methods available to stay in touch with this person. You can phone or text this person, have regular video link-ups, send emails and instant message. You might even send good old-fashioned letters to each other, inside a parcel filled with treats that show how you remember what this person most likes.
- Visit this person. Whether this person is interstate, overseas, in prison, deployed, living for a year in Antarctica, locked up in a reality TV studio, etc., find out whether it is possible to meet up. For some cases, you may have to adhere to strict visiting times, while for others, you may need to save up your pennies and pay for a trip somewhere else. It's important to at least investigate the possibilities for visiting this person to make the time spent apart seem less onerous.
- Send regular updates. If you're not able to stay in touch daily or through the usual channels of communications, see whether it's possible to send regular updates by way of a letter or newsletter. You could even keep a journal that is meant just for this person to read. Save up all of your entries and get them to this person when it is feasible.
Distracting and supporting yourself
- If you find the pain of missing someone is getting so bad, try doing something to distract yourself from thinking about this person for a time. For example, you might plan a trip somewhere with friends, take up night classes or immerse yourself in a new hobby. Do something you've always wanted to do or learn, and make the most of the time apart from this person.
- Get busy. Try to find activities that keep your mind off that person you are missing. The busier you are the less time you have thinking about that person.
- Be kind to yourself. If the person you miss has passed away then grieve but do not dwell on it for a very long time. Go out and try to make new friends.
- Pretend the person is with you. Make believe isn't just for toddlers. Pretend to talk to this person (not out loud unless you're alone or have privacy). Pretend they're on your shoulder talking to you, just as those little angels and devils do in the movies. Ask yourself what you think this person would do in a particular situation and have a lovely private laugh to yourself when picturing their response.
- Deal with it. If nothing works, just own up and admit it to yourself. The secret to happiness is to not feel sorry for yourself. If you can work around this and accept it, then you're going to find that while you still miss this person, you know you're strong enough to cope. You can miss them, but don't let it consume you. Just live life and know that no matter how much a specific moment hurts, it's going to pass. Time might seem to stand still, but it never does.
Tips
- If you stay at home too much, thoughts of this person will interrupt your daily routines and this can incapacitate you.
- Make more friends if possible, or try face timing or staying in touch with social media.
- If the person is deceased, visit their grave often to reminisce over the good times.
- Long-distance relationships can be tough. However, many people have also shown they can work well, provided both of you have set ground rules that help you to understand boundaries and expectations.
- If this person passed away try talking to other people who miss them.
- Let it all out, just cry or talk to a loved one.
Warnings
- Be careful that you don't end up retreating into yourself as a result of missing someone. If the loss becomes an excuse to stop participating in normal daily life, there is a risk of becoming really lonely.
- Don't become angry with the person who is away from you. This anger can easily eat you up and without that person responding to your worries, concerns and imagined ideas, you may end up creating scenarios that are not real and hurting yourself in the process. Leave the hard questions until you can actually communicate again.
