Deal With Missing Your Significant Other

Being apart from loved ones is always difficult, especially when that person is your significant other. While it’s okay to miss them, it’s also important to take care of yourself and your emotional health. Learning to cope with missing your partner involves the same steps no matter how long you will be apart. Reframing your thoughts and filling up your extra free time are great ways to still think about the person you love and miss in a positive, healthy way. If you are missing someone due to a death or break up, learn ways to cope with these losses.

Steps

Staying Busy

  1. Spend more time with your family and friends. Sitting at home alone waiting for your partner to return isn’t going to make you feel better about their absence, and will probably drive you crazy. Instead, try to spend this time with friends or loved ones. Think of the separation as a chance to catch up with old friends. Or, spend a little extra time with your BFF and remind your friend how much he or she also means to you.[1]
    • Call a friend and arrange a coffee date.
    • Invite a few friends over for dinner and cook together.
    • Plan a weekend visit to your grandma out of town.
    • Avoid withdrawing from people, especially if you feel like you might be depressed.
  2. Devote more time to hobbies. Most likely, there is either some activity you have scaled back on to make time for your significant other, or a new activity that you have been wanting to try and haven’t made time for yet.[1]
    • Instead of sitting around and feeling lonely, embrace your extra free time to finish that model ship or dress.
    • Start learning a new language through a free phone app like Duolingo.
    • Pick up a book you’ve been meaning to read and just start reading.
  3. Create a beautiful work of art celebrating your relationship. Use whichever artistic or crafty medium you like, or try something new! Design a cross stitch pattern with your initials, a favorite joke or reference, or your significant other's favorite movie character. Paint an abstract representation of how you feel about your significant other using different colors and textures. Make a photo collage of your favorite pictures.[2]
    • Cross stitch is a great hobby for occupying time spent alone since it contains small detail work and usually requires counting. If you are trying this for the first time, choose a simple pattern so you don’t get frustrated or overwhelmed.
    • Buy cheap outdoor acrylic paints at a craft store or Walmart and a canvas to create an abstract painting. Choose colors that express your feelings and add things like sand or plaster to create different textures.
    • Use an empty picture frame with or without the glass for making a collage. If there is no glass, glue images to a piece of cardboard and cover it with modge podge or use a spray varnish to protect it from damage.
  4. Write a poem, comic, or illustrated story. Create something special describing your relationship to send your significant other or to share when your significant other returns. Use whichever creative writing outlet you enjoy. Put all your energy into making an amazing gift to show your significant other how much he or she means to you.
  5. Cultivate new relationships. Join a book or movie critique club. Doing activities like these allow you a chance to make some new friends and get out of the house. These things will also occupy some of your free time with “homework” of reading or watching. Plus, you may end up making a great new friend, possibly even meeting another couple you both can hang out with on date nights.
  6. Distract yourself with exercise. When you feel particularly sad and cannot get into your favorite pastime, get up and go for a run, ride your bike along a trail, or go to the gym and do at least 20 minutes of cardio exercises. Not only does exercise help relieve stress and get your mind on something other than what’s bothering you, but your body releases endorphins that act like pain-killers and mood-boosters.[3]
    • Just five minutes of intense exercise can instantly boost your mood, but exercising regularly can also help with long-term depression. Consider exercise as natural medicine that your body needs to function properly.
  7. Finish any unfinished projects. Use your time apart as a chance to finish some unfinished tasks. These could be things you’ve started working on and did not finish, or something you have been putting off until you had enough time to finish it. You will stay busy and feel good about yourself for accomplishing those things at last.[1]
    • Recaulk-a-Bathtub, sand down and refinish your grandmother’s antique dresser, fix the screen door that swings open in the wind, etc.
    • Finish writing your book of short stories, [[Make-a-Throw-Pillow|make those throw pillows] you’ve been saving fabric for, or sign up for pet training classes you’ve been meaning to start.
    • Paint your bedroom, install shelves in the bathroom, or finish Start-a-Vegetable-Garden.

Keeping Your Relationship Healthy

  1. Accept that spending time apart is healthy. Whether you live together or not, spending time apart is necessary for maintaining your independence within any relationship.[4]
    • If you can’t stand to be away from each other for a few days, you are probably too dependent on each other for your own happiness and feelings of self-worth. Remind yourself that you are a valuable person and you don't need someone else to give your life meaning.[5] Try saying something like, "I am a valuable person and having alone time is healthy for me."
    • Being apart gives you a chance to miss your partner, and that reminds you how important they are to you. If you are never apart, you might start taking the little things that you love about each other for granted.[6]
  2. Stop worrying about what your significant other is doing. If you find yourself obsessing over what your significant other is doing without you—whether it’s something as small as watching an episode of a show you usually watch together, or being unfaithful—you might be masking your own fears of abandonment or getting hurt. Redirect your thoughts to what you can control: how you are spending your time.
    • It’s natural to worry sometimes, but being preoccupied with these thoughts is a sign of attachment anxiety. People with this problem expect the worst behavior from their partners or are always waiting for the relationship to end.[5]
  3. Call or do a video chat. If you are too far away to see each other in person, scheduling a time to talk on the phone with your significant other can give you something to look forward to. It’s also a chance to connect with each other while you are apart, and have a real conversation.
    • Make sure not to call or text too often. Evaluate your relationship, how long you will be apart, and how often you usually talk or see each other.[2]
    • If you know your significant other is busy, send a personal message through email or Facebook instead of texting, or call your significant other's voicemail directly and leave a sweet message. These forms of communication won’t interrupt your significant other while at work or a family event, and will be a nice surprise.
    • Try to set up a special time for each other, such as watching a favorite show at the same time while your significant other is away. You'll feel closer knowing your significant other is watching the same thing as you, it will also give you both something to discuss other than how much you're missing each other.
  4. Keep your relationship fresh. When you do get to see each other, and even when you are able to talk on the phone or through an internet video call, make sure you aren’t always doing/saying the same things. Plan different types of activities for date nights. Talk about new topics you haven’t discussed before, or want to use to learn more about each other.[7]
    • If your conversations become stagnant, bring up a news item or interesting topic you’ve recently heard.
    • Talk about your childhood. What did you want to be when you grew up; what was your favorite fun activity as a kid; what was your favorite Halloween costume ever?
    • Look in local newspapers or on websites for ideas about new activities to try. Ask friends and co-workers who have significant others what they do together for more ideas.
  5. Plan a special activity. Include new activities you have never done as a couple or have talked about trying. Or, plan your day together on your own as a surprise and include something your significant other has always wanted to do. Use your imagination! Consider planning a whole day around one theme, like a romantic movie (When Harry Met Sally), or a pretend visit to Paris.
    • Get croissants and sit at an outside café for a couple hours, walk across the prettiest bridge near you, and visit your city’s art museum.
    • Visit a public garden for a picnic lunch, stop by a plant store on the way home to pick out a few of the flowers you saw earlier, and plant them together when you get home.
    • Stick to a “water” theme and schedule a visit to an aquarium or science museum, find the biggest public fountain in town and bring some change to make wishes together (make sure it is allowed first!), and end the day with a walk along a nearby canal or beach.
    • Plan a scavenger hunt to do together. Write clues that will take you to different places that remind you of each other or surprises you know they would love.
  6. Tell your significant other that you love and miss him or her. The best way to cope with separation and keep your relationship strong is to communicate with each other about your feelings. When you talk, tell your significant other that you miss him or her. Ask about what your significant other is doing and tell your significant other about your day to feel more connected. Remind your significant other how grateful you are that he or she is a part of your life.

Rechanneling Negative Feelings

  1. Recognize and accept your negative feelings as normal. When you are really missing your significant other and can’t seem distract yourself from thinking about him or her, don’t try to anymore. Sometimes trying to not think about someone just reinforces the fact that you miss the person so much. Instead, ask yourself why you feel sad or angry at that moment. Once you know why you feel a certain way, you can do something about it.
    • When you feel longing, ask yourself: are you bored, did you have a bad day and wish they were there to talk about it, do you miss things they usually do for you? Go see a movie, call a friend to talk, or learn how to cook an exotic cuisine.
    • If you find yourself feeling angry or frustrated, try to figure out exactly what those feelings are about. Do you feel abandoned, forgotten, or insignificant? These are likely extreme responses to being separated that do not reflect your partner’s feelings or intentions.
  2. Replace negative thoughts with positive ones. When you think, “I miss him so much! I can’t stand it anymore,” stop and correct your tendency to think in negative terms. Instead, adjust your thought patterns so that they reflect positive feelings about yourself. Remind yourself that you can stand it, and that being apart doesn’t have to be a bad thing.[8]
    • When you find yourself pining over all the time you are missing together, stop yourself and focus on the present moment. Replace “I wish we were together right now,” with something like “it’s nice to have the cat (or dog) all to myself today. Usually she goes to my partner first.” Change feeling lonely into feeling connected to someone or something else.
    • Use logic to overcome your negative feelings if you are stuck. Thinking, “I can’t be happy when he or she isn’t around,” will certainly make you feel unhappy. Instead, acknowledge you control your own feelings and decide to be happy doing something else right then.
    • Cognitive patterns are established through effort. Each time you perform an activity, or think a loaded thought, your brain is more likely to do it again.[9]
    • Learning to correct negativity by focusing on positive thought takes time and practice. Be patient with yourself and don’t make yourself feel worse through self-criticism.
  3. Replace longing and sadness with gratitude.[2] It’s normal to miss your significant other because you prefer being with him or her to not being together. Instead of being sad, think about how grateful you are to have such a wonderful partner. Make a list of things you appreciate about him or her, or blessings your significant other has brought into your life.
    • Think about how you have changed for the better by being together: are you more patient, mature, or friendly? Have you expanded your horizons and overcome any old fears? Are you proud of yourself for learning to think of your loved ones before your own needs?
    • Deciding to focus on what you have instead of what you don’t does not mean that you can’t allow yourself to miss your significant other. It’s ok to miss someone you care about.
    • Try to develop a habit of noticing when you feel lonely and wish your significant other was with you, and deciding to focus instead on feeling grateful for the time you do have together. Start a gratitude journal and keep it with you at all times so you can immediately redirect your feelings when they arise.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 http://www.relationshiplaboratory.com/how-to-deal-with-extended-periods-of-being-apart/
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 2.2 2.3 http://www.long-distance-lover.com/missing-someone-in-long-distance-relationship/
  3. ↑ http://www.apa.org/monitor/2011/12/exercise.aspx
  4. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/derrell-jamison/3-reasons-why-being-away-relationships_b_5467559.html
  5. ↑ 5.0 5.1 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201312/what-do-when-your-relationship-worries-get-you
  6. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-10-secrets-of-happy-couples/
  7. ↑ http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/healthy-relationships.aspx
  8. ↑ http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10000872396390443995604578002352537833908
  9. ↑ http://www.calmdownmind.com/how-can-i-stop-worrying-about-my-relationship/
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