Deal With People Talking About You Behind Your Back

What do you do when people are talking about you behind your back? It feels awful and it isn't pleasant to deal with. You do have choices though, from doing nothing and ignoring it, to confronting the gossiper. It all depends on the context and how you wish to respond.

Steps

Part 1: Being sure

  1. Be certain that you are the target of malicious gossip. It wouldn't do to assume that you're the target and go after the person responsible, only to find out that it was not about you after all. Things that might indicate it's about you include:
    • Rumors that reach you specifically name you as the person the rumor is about.
    • People associated with the gossiper laugh, act embarrassed or look away when you approach them.
    • Someone has the courage to tell you openly that the gossiper is disparaging you behind your back.
    • You have caught the person in the act of saying mean things about you to others.
    • There is some other form of evidence, such as a recording, a video, an email or a text message.
  2. Talk to your friends about it. Which of your friends do you really trust? Ask this person or group what they think about what is being said. Be aware that some of them will probably feel embarrassed for you and may find it uncomfortable to talk about it directly; try to make things easy for them to speak honestly.
    • Be careful about which side your friends are veering towards. Get your friends to back you up, and give them time to decide whether they want to go against the gossiping person, supporting you. Rome wasn't built in a day, and one person didn't build it either––just be careful about which of your friends might lean more towards the gossiper's viewpoint.

Part 2: Choosing to ignore the gossiper

  1. Do not overreact. Whether or not you choose to ignore or confront the gossiper, stay calm at all times. Getting upset is only going to feed the gossip and can end up substantiating in people's minds some of the things being said, just by behaving poorly.
  2. Realize what motivates the gossiper. It is probable that this person is jealous of you or simply mean-spirited by nature. Seeing the petty reasoning behind the gossiper's actions can help you to stay chill and not respond in kind or give any credence to what is being said.
  3. Be laid back. Pretend like it never happened. Often the greatest insult is to not even pick up on the fact that someone is attempting to insult. Let it flow over you like water off a duck's back. Give them the silent treatment. Laugh it off. Be so super nice that they don't know what to do in response.
    • Remember that this person won't be in your life forever if you're at school. Paying attention to their petty trash talking now won't help you get to where you're going, so leave them way behind and follow your goals.

Part 3: Confronting the gossiper

  1. Decide to confront the rumors. If things are so bad that the rumors seem out of hand and you feel that ignoring it isn't going to make it all go away, you may find that confronting the person is the better option. Again, remain calm to stay in control at all times.
    • Again, do you have friends who will back you up if you confront the gossiper openly? This may be helpful in some contexts.
  2. Begin by asking "what's up?". Ask this person why they feel compelled to spread rumors about you. Tell them that such trash talking is likely to spoil your friendship or acquaintance. Sometimes it's enough to put a person on the spot to have it stop happening.
    • For example: "Bette, George told me that you said I was lazy in that project. He told me you wished I hadn't been a part of your team. It was hurtful to learn that but I want to hear your side of the story. Perhaps I have not heard it properly and have the wrong end of the stick. Could you please tell me what your real concern was about my involvement in the project?"
  3. Tell the person to stop spreading lies and gossip about you. Let them know you have heard what has been said, that it's patently untrue and that you do not appreciate the fancy story-telling. Don't be emotional or make a big deal about this; the briefer you are, and the firmer you come across, the better.
    • Stick to the facts. Do not name-call, do not make known your suppositions about the other person's motivations (those are to help you understand better, but not to use for goading) and do not get upset. By using the facts, you avoid giving the other person ammunition to use back against you.
    • For example: "Bette, I really wished you had come to me first to say you didn't like my efforts. I'd have explained what I was doing and tried to make changes if they were needed. But I won't stand for lies about my character and abilities. If you want to say something, tell me openly now. Otherwise, I'd really appreciate it if you'd stop making up stories about me." And you may wish to add "That way, I won't have to take this any further/ tell so-and-so what is going on" if you feel a further solution needs to be emphasized.
  4. Shrug it off if the gossiper gives all sorts of excuses. Make it clear you know they're making excuses and that all you want is for this person to stop behaving in such an immature way. Even if you sound like a broken record, restate your wish that the rumors cease. And don't always forgive them. If something that you know has been done that is bad, don't just forgive them if they say sorry. Just walk away.
  5. Seek help. If the rumors and nastiness escalate in a way that you feel you cannot handle personally, find support from people who can step in and do something. This might be teachers, a counselor, parents, friends or a supervisor. Most institutions (schools, colleges, workplaces, etc.) will have policies in place to deal with situations where a person is being intimidated or abused by another person.
    • It can sometimes be helpful to have witnesses or people prepared to share what they have heard or seen if the gossiping turns into bullying and/or vicious rumors.

Tips

  • Don't show a reaction. Sometimes reacting in a bad way could make things worse.
  • Sometimes, the best thing to do is to let it go. Don't be friends with this person if they are spreading rumors about you, and don't change yourself or your personality to stop the rumors.
  • Be the bigger person and let it go. Sometimes angrily confronting someone shows that you are weak enough to be bothered by their rumors.
  • Question the loyalty of the person who tells you someone is talking behind your back.
  • Walk it off. Go home, take a bath, listen to relaxing music, turn off your phone, and take a nap.
  • Don't force your friends to help you. If they are backing the rumor-spreaders, find some new friends.
  • If you're younger than your bully, then just think about how when they get into the real world, older people won't put up with their bad habit.
  • If your rumor-spreaders are just teasing you they will do it to your face.
  • If someone is bullying you, tell an adult straight away. Bullying that is repeated can be counted as abuse. Bullying also occurs in the workplace; check out the policies in place for dealing with such behavior.
  • The people talking behind your back are insecure and feel they must be better than you. Remember to not take it personally. You aren't the only one who they are negatively talking about. These people have problems as well. Just highlight in your own mind the true cons of these people's lives without telling them, and it will all make sense. Just stay calm and rise above it, you have your own life to live. Who are they to judge you?
  • Pay no attention to those who talk behind your back! It simply means you are two steps ahead!
  • Keep calm and focus on your tomorrow .
  • If it's at school, tell a teacher you're close with or a teacher you trust, maybe they can talk to the gossiper and tell them to stop without mentioning names. For example: "Lizzy I've heard that you've been spreading rumors about people etc..."
  • Don't let people who talk about you get to you. You're better than that.

Warnings

  • Sometimes, clearing your name and reputation means losing friends. But real friends will stick with you. And if no one sticks with you, you know they were not really there for you.
  • Even though you don't like the person, treat the person like anybody else in your class.
  • Too much kindness can lead to becoming naive.

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