Deal With Someone Yelling at You

Being yelled at is never a pleasant experience. When others direct their raised voices at you, it is normal to feel intimidated, frightened, and diminished in your ability to respond appropriately. But, the key to dealing with being yelled at is seeing that it is the other person’s failed technique for communicating. Luckily, you are not the one who has lost control, meaning that you can take steps to manage your feelings and usher in a more effective way of interacting.

Steps

Remaining Calm

  1. Resist the urge to yell back. The less reactive you are to provocations, the more you can use your better judgment to handle the challenge.[1] When you feel upset with or challenged by someone, before you say or do something you might later regret, take a deep breath and count slowly to ten.
    • This includes avoiding all forms of criticality and defensiveness. Yelling back is just another, readily available way to respond in a reactive rather than a proactive way.
    • Being critical of the yeller or challenging what he/she is saying will provoke them further. Besides, when we are being yelled at we don’t typically think well. This is because we are being put in a state of fear.[2]
  2. Weigh your options. If you’re being yelled at, you are never absolutely stuck in the situation. This applies equally to strangers who lose their cool in line at the store as it does to your boss and your significant other. So, detach from the moment enough to think about whether or not you have to wait out the yelling.[1]
    • You might decide that escaping the moment is not worth losing your job over, but you may want to open up other options if the yelling seems like a hopelessly recurring phenomenon, or if the person yelling is not important enough to endure.
    • Research has shown that yelling is just as harmful and ineffective when it is done “out of love”.[3] This means that regardless of the yeller’s intentions, you are being subject to treatment that is never ideal or even appropriate.
  3. Avoid condoning the yelling. When we are yelling, it is because we are so overwhelmed by something that we cannot come up with a way to handle it except regressing to the use of brute force. [4] If you gratify what the yeller is saying with a thoughtful response or rebuttal, you are affirming this type of communication.
    • If you find yourself silently poking holes in the yeller’s arguments and complaints in your head, allow yourself to do so. This may be your way of showing yourself that you are in control and have the upper hand in the situation. But, be careful that you don’t get so focused on your thoughts that you are unable to observe.
  4. Take the focus off of you. Let yourself disengage from what you’re experiencing as a way to make sure that you don’t take anything too personally. The best way to do this without losing sight of the moment is to empathize with the yeller.[5]Focus on the pain and strain in the person's face. Rather than listening to the yeller, look at the desperation and frustration you see them experiencing.
    • Remember, you are not validating the yeller. You are empathizing in order to see the part of the person you can find compassion for when the time comes to respond.
    • Project peace in any way you can, but do not put on a cheesy show of false serenity. This can further anger the yeller, who might interpret it as teasing or patronizing. A good way to project peace is to express genuine surprise at the attitude the yeller is bringing to you. This way you can show that you are somewhat blind-sighted, while sending hints that the yelling is disturbing.

Responding to Diffuse The Situation

  1. Consider a cool-off period. If the situation allows it, ask as calmly as you can that you take a few minutes to cool off before you respond to whatever the yelling was about. Simply convey that the yelling was overwhelming and that you would like to talk in five minutes or so in order to recollect yourself. Doing this will also give the yeller some space that they didn't even realize was needed.
    • This will make the ensuing conversation much less likely to erupt into an all-out fight. By making this request you are also showing the yeller that they provoked a strong response, which they likely wanted to do.
  2. Initiate a conversation about their behavior.[6]Tell the person how the yelling is making you feel. Be sure to include what you observed about the situation (i.e. “I am having a hard time concentrating on what you are saying because of your volume level.”) Also tell the yeller what you felt in the situation (i.e. “I feel nervous and confused when I am being yelled at.”)
    • For example, a romantic partner might be yelling at you because you forgot to bring the tickets to the concert you planned to attend. When the yelling calms momentarily, tell him or her that you feel threatened and overwhelmed. You can also mention that you noticed passersby looking on with surprise or pity. This will make the partner focus on feelings besides their own.
    • Alternately, you might be yelled at by a boss when there was a mistake sending a client an invoice. Tell your boss that you feel vulnerable and uneasy when his or her tone raises above normal volume, and that it is more difficult to concentrate on your work when you feel like you have to be protecting yourself.
  3. Request that yelling not continue.[7] If you share how the yelling negatively affects you, then it is reasonable to request that it not happen again. To avoid escalating the yeller's anger say something like “I just can’t seem to listen fully when I hear yelling, and I care about what you have to say to me. Would you be willing to present the issue to me in a speaking tone, like the one we are both using now?”
    • When you are making your request, be specific about what you want. Even if it seems obvious that a gentle speaking voice is preferable to yelling, be clear about how you want to be talked to instead. Being specific, as in the example above, means you won’t say something like “Why won’t you just talk normally?”
    • If you think the yeller is extra sensitive or will take your request personally, buffer your conversation with some positive observations as well. Think about the things that this person brings to the table in other moments and mention how much you appreciate, for example, their willingness to show how passionate they are.
  4. Speak in a low register. Speaking in a measured, soft tone is a great way to alter the mood of the interaction. The yeller will be compelled to sound more like you because of the obvious contrast your voice will provide. Another benefit is that they will have to try harder to hear you, meaning that they will have to change their frame of mind somewhat in order to hear you. This will automatically shift focus from the anger and intensity of the moment to the content of what you’re saying.
  5. Decide if you want to reconcile.[8] Now that you have taken steps to diffuse the situation, you are entitled to choose for yourself if you want to make amends or simply walk out. When making a decision, take into account your relationship with the yeller, when you are likely to see them next, and how much closure you typically need to move past an uncomfortable situation.
    • If the yeller is someone you can't or don't want to cut ties with, you can bring yourself to making amends by remembering where the yeller is coming from. After all, yelling is ultimately a disgruntled sign of passion and care about something. [7]
    • If you choose to walk out, keep in mind that you may be in for a tense encounter the next time you see the yeller.

Responding to Avoid Danger

  1. Know your rights. Knowing your rights in these situations is important. Boost your confidence and dispel the fear that comes with being yelled at by reviewing some rights in your mind. For example, you always have the right to be treated with dignity and respect, as well as the right to your own space.
    • In the workplace, your rights to a non-threatening and orderly environment might be obscured by your rank or the attitude you're expected to maintain. But, even though your superiors may have more rights to assert themselves at work, you always have the right to resist situations where you fear for your well-being. If yelling persists, consult your job's human resources department or employee guide for specifics policies on resolving inter-employee conflict.[9]
    • When a romantic partner is yelling at you, it is easy to feel like you must take it out of love or a desire to continue the relationship. However, try to see that yelling is now part of the relationship that you're trying so hard to sustain. You have the right to express your needs in a relationship, and not feeling threatened or dominated is a pretty basic one.
  2. Cease communication. If the person yelling does so frequently and you've already tried to talk about how harmful their behavior is to you, cutting off communication could be the best way to protect yourself. Depending on the relationship you have with the yeller, you may be able to avoid a confrontation altogether and send a brief letter or email stating that you no longer wish to communicate. You are entitled to say when enough is enough.
  3. Solicit outside help. Does it seem like the yeller cannot seem to cool down? Do you fear that he/she poses an ongoing threat to your livelihood? If you feel like the situation has escalated to a real potential danger, do not hesitate to contact emergency services. If danger is immediate, you can call 911.[10].
    • If the yelling is domestic, the National Domestic Violence Hotline can be reached at 800-799-SAFE (7233) or 800-787-3224 (TDD). The hotline offers help 24 hours a day, 7 days a week in many languages. The staff will give you the phone numbers of local shelters and other resources.[11]

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201409/how-successfully-handle-aggressive-and-controlling-people
  2. ↑ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/yelling
  3. ↑ http://www.news.pitt.edu/news/yelling-doesn-t-help-may-harm-adolescents-pitt-led-study-finds
  4. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/07/26/how-to-switch-off-an-angry-person/
  5. ↑ http://ucsfhr.ucsf.edu/index.php/pubs/hrguidearticle/chapter-15-conflict-resolution/
  6. ↑ http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/11/29/AR2005112900903.html
  7. ↑ 7.0 7.1 Rosenberg, Marshall B. 2003. Nonviolent communication: a language of life. Encinitas, CA: PuddleDancer Press.
  8. ↑ http://bottomlinehealth.com/how-to-handle-someone-elses-rage/
  9. ↑ http://www.shrm.org/Research/SurveyFindings/Articles/Documents/09-0464_Workplace_Flexibility_Survey_Report_inside_FINALonline.pdf
  10. ↑ http://www.womenshealth.gov/violence-against-women/types-of-violence/domestic-intimate-partner-violence.html#b
  11. ↑ http://www.womenshealth.gov/violence-against-women/types-of-violence/domestic-intimate-partner-violence.html
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