Deal With a Compulsive Liar
So, someone in your life makes, "I did not have relations with that woman," look like child's play, eh? Great. How do you deal with them? Well, for starters, very carefully. If you want to keep them in your life (and you have every right not to), then you have to stay calm and learn to deal with them without losing your patience.
Contents
Steps
Dealing with the Everyday
- Be on guard and prepare. Give yourself enough mental preparation to accept that you cannot trust this person and take what is said as not reliable. Expect a potentially different outcome than would otherwise be anticipated or promised. In other words? Remember who you're dealing with.
- When we love someone, it's easy to forget reality. It's easy to get our hopes up and to give the person the benefit of the doubt. It's easy to think that this person is good. Unfortunately, in this situation, you can't really do that. You'll need to be on the lookout.
- Keep records. Not exactly the funnest thing to do in a relationship, but it can prove really handy. If you need to make sure you're not the crazy one or you're not the one blowing things out of proportion, it's wise to keep a notebook of the incidents. Or if you're in a situation where you start couples therapy, you can offer it up as documentation of the problem.
- It'll also help fuel your memory. There may come a time when you go, "You know, that one time where I got angry at you because you lied about the thing at the place with the statue...you know, the THING." Instead, you whip out your handy dandy notebook and relive the glory of the one time they lied about picking up ketchup at the store. Why did they lie about that anyway?
- Keep the focus on the relationship. Instead of constantly being on their rear about being a raging liar, keep the attention on the quality of your relationship. Their lies are deteriorating the trust between you two. You still care for them, but their behavior is making it hard to be happy with them. It's not about the liar, it's about the lies and about the two of you.
- Know not to trust behavior in the heat of the moment. If a big lie presents itself, you may see the liar telling the truth. Huzzah, right?! Not so fast. They may see this as a one-time thing that got you off their back. They threw you off their scent. So instead of celebrating, wait till you're sure it's not a fluke.
- Some pathological liars, however, won't do this. They'll sit and stare at you and that's the only admission of guilt you're going to get. You may have to be appeased with just that. Know that they know you know. That's worth something.
- Ignore them. When the compulsive liar in your life starts on a real life version of two truths and a lie, ignore it. If you know it's cockamamie, don't pay it any attention. When your response to, " I once bred ferrets for the Queen of England," is "Oh," not only will they probably get the hint, but you might be able to have some fun with it, too.
- It is possible to gloss over their lies. Society tells us to be nice and to pay attention to what people to say and to care about their words -- but they're breaking all the rules, so you can too. If they ask why you're giving them the cold shoulder, be honest. You don't want to give their lies any more attention than they deserve.
- Be patient. If you choose to stay friends/partners/workplace acquaintances, there needs to be a little wiggle room on your part. This person has a problem that is not easy to be helped. Try your best to be patient with them. We all are fighting battles -- theirs just happens to be quite irritating to everyone else.
- Talk to someone else that's in the same circle as both of you. You'll feel a lot better having someone else on your side that you know is also going through something similar. You can combine forces and figure out how to confront the problem in a constructive way.
- Don't feel the need to call them out on everything. When the lies range from, "I refilled the toilet paper, yes," to "I once shaved Britney Spears' head for her," it's clear that you're going to have to pick your battles. Let the small ones go (maybe you can ignore those) and confront the big ones -- if you're not too exhausted!
- If you do choose to call them out on some, choose the ones you don't understand. It makes sense to make yourself look good, to make others envy you, but why lie about the amount of mayo left in the fridge? Start a discussion, if you're feeling up to it.
Confronting the Liar
- Offer a way out before you address the lie. When you've spotted a lie the size of an elephant, it's not wise to be all, "You lying waste of space! That's obviously not true." The conversation will then take a turn you're not looking to take. Instead form the first stage of your "accusation" more nicely, where the accused has a chance to right their wrong.
- Let's say you find out that your boyfriend didn't go over to his mom's this afternoon to help her around the house. Instead of saying, "Hey. I talked to your mom," start off with, "Hon, did you go to your mom's today?" And then you can launch into the, "She called. Why did you lie?" part of the conversation.
- Disrupt the habit over and over. It's the first time that's going to be the most awkward. After that, it's all downhill. When you catch them lying, let them know that what was said is "not accurate" or "not valid" -- but don't act as if you are the judge and jury. Just being direct while remaining calm, cool and clear is enough.
- It's going to take you calling them out time and time again for them to get the picture. But soon enough, like when a bell rings and food is presented, they'll know that when they lie, the habit will get disrupted. The main obstacle? Patience on your part.
- Allude to their lying patterns. This one is messy territory. You need to let them know you're onto their act without saying, "I'm onto your act." You're a tactful social jiujitsu master, right? So next time your friend says, "Yeah, I disarmed bombs for the CIA back in '09," you can say, "Is that just about as true as the story you told about caging ferrets for a living?" And as they assure you that it's way more true than that ferret story, stay calm, smile, and tell them their history of untruths speaks for itself.
- You're not holding grudges; there's a difference. You're simply letting them know that their history of lying is now taking its toll on whether or not you believe a dang word that comes out of their mouth. That's rational, logical, and hard to refute -- they know it's true.
- Suggest therapy. Another kicker that's touchy. If your relationship is close enough and you're comfortable getting real with your friend/family member/significant other, suggest therapy. Shrinks are for anyone who wants to better themselves. If you've been to therapy or are close to someone who has, use it as example. Many people view going to therapy as a weakness when really it is a positive, life-affirming thing.
Understanding the Compulsive Liar
- Know the difference between a pathological liar and a scumbag. If you're dating someone and you found out they don't make six figures and they've been cheating on you and no, they don't speak French fluently, odds are your ex is just a sad excuse for a human being. People who lie to make themselves sound good or to get away with certain behavior are just small-minded, inconsiderate, not-worth-your-time morons. They're not pathological liars.
- People deserving of this title lie about everything. They lie about things that don't impress people, that don't make them feel good about themselves or others feel good about themselves or really that serve any purpose at all. They'll tell you they saw a duck on the lake yesterday and there's no lake. It's just like breathing. They do it naturally.
- Understand why they lie. For most, lying is comfortable. It's the truth that's scary. If they actually are a pathological liar, it's just the symptom of a bigger problem. Possible reasons for their behavior are:
- A dysfunctional family (usually not enough attention received)
- Sexual or physical abuse in childhood, or ongoing abuse
- Impulse control disorders (kleptomania, pathological gambling, compulsive shopping, etc.)
- Personality disorders (Cluster B personalities -- sociopathic, narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, etc.)
- Substance abuse or substance abuse in family
- Know they may hate who they actually are. Many pathological liars have a serious lack of self-esteem and that's why they started lying in the first place. They got to present an image to the world that they were actually proud of, instead of the one they go home to at night and secretly disdain. While the liar doesn't deserve your pity, it's useful to understand the root of the problem.
- When you're dealing with yours, keep this in mind. It will help you stay more logical, rational, and calm. Instead of dealing with a careless jerk, you're dealing with a careless jerk who hates himself. Knocks him down a peg.
- Take care of yourself. Above all, take care of yourself first. You may be in a very serious relationship with this person, but that does not give them free reign over your emotions and your happiness. If you need to leave, get out. They don't deserve you. They can't make you happy. That's just how it is. You're not abandoning them; you're protecting you.
- If you do choose to stay, stay strong. You cannot help them if you cannot help yourself. Make sure your happiness is getting the spotlight. It's not your job to fix them or to change them. If you do want to stay, take it a day at a time. But always keep you in mind!
Tips
- It's not just you. They lie to everyone. This is all about them and has nothing to do with your worth or things you've made them do.
Warnings
- Do not lose your cool. Heated arguments will get neither of you anywhere.
- This person will behave this way with everyone and should seek help. Best case scenario? Eventually (it is different with everyone) they may realize how they are hurting those around them and in-turn, hurting themselves as well.
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