Deal With a Depressed Person

Do you know someone depressed--a family member, friend, partner, or colleague? Dealing with someone who is suffering from depression means turning daily interactions into displays of acceptance and support. Because depression causes the sufferer to feel helpless and hopeless, it is up to you to go the extra mile to reach out and express your care. But, be advised: lending your help can be difficult and requires thorough self-care all the while. The steps listed here will help you balance care for the depressed person as well as yourself.

Steps

Talking with a Depressed Person

1. Learn about common symptoms of depression. It can be helpful to know what depression typically looks like so that you understand that your friend's behavior as symptomatic of the problem rather than simply rude or dismissive. The following are often present in depressed individuals:
   • A sad, anxious, or "empty" mood that persists for over two weeks
   • Feeling guilty, worthless, and helpless
   • Loss of interest or pleasure in enjoyable hobbies and activities, especially physical intimacy
   • Decreased energy and fatigue
   • Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making even small decisions
   • Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
   • Changes to appetite and weight (in either direction)
   • Thoughts of death or suicide; suicide attempts
   • Restlessness and irritability
   • Persistent physical symptoms that are not affected by treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and body pain
2. Tune in to her status. Don't fall into the common trap of thinking that just because a person is depressed that you know exactly what she needs. Your friend may still have a range of different moods and feelings. If you can seize upon a moment of hope or passion in her, you may be able to have a powerful impact.
   • Watch for signs of anxiety and restlessness that may punctuate exhaustion and lethargy. If you can, seize on these moments to suggest possible active antidotes to depression, like taking a walk or visiting other friends.
3. Become aware of what helps and what doesn't. Consider depression as a very sensitive state, and think about what you would want when you feel hopeless and dejected.
   • Be realistic about things that are going on--sugar coating and being protective of the person will not help her feel involved in life, which is the main priority. For instance, don't be afraid to bring up the latest issue a mutual friend is dealing with. You can give details and discuss others' negative feelings without worsening your friend's state.
   • Avoid confrontational ways of bringing up topics. If your friend's apartment is a mess, don't make an accusation (i.e. "If you wanted to cheer yourself up, you'd at least get your place in order"). Try something like "I know it's difficult to clean now, so let me know if you want to see if a little more order will benefit you."
   • When talking, be positive in a genuine, non-cheesy way. You don't need to talk about flowers and puppies, but do make an effort to show the bright and playful side of whatever comes up. If it's storming out you might talk about how much your area needs the rainfall rather than commenting on how dark and gloomy it looks.
4. Tell her you care. The simplest way to deal with a depressed person is to express lots of care. Now, you don't need to baby her or tell her that you are available to help all the time (especially if this is factually not the case). Here are some phrases that show unconditional care about her as a person, without commitments to perform any particular duties:
   • "I care about you and about how you feel."
   • "I see that I don't understand exactly what's going on, but I still want to do whatever I can to help."
   • "I know you may feel alone, but I am here to listen."
   • "Don't give up. You can get through this."
5. Listen deeply. Listening with empathy, care, and compassion is ultimately the best way you can deal with a depressed person. Advice and opinions have their place, but it is crucial that the person hear her own voice without the competing views of regular conversation. So, "don't just do something, listen."
   • When we are listening rather than giving our own advice and opinions, we are offering a safe space. This is hard to come by considering the constraints of normal socializing. If you can show that your listening is non-judgmental and without any agenda, you are giving an invaluable gift.
   • Always give the depressed person your full attention. This means that distractions like the phone or internet won't fly when you are trying to lend support through listening.
6. Accept stated feelings. Take the challenge of being compassionate while knowing that you do not (and cannot) understand fully what the person is going through. Depression commonly gives sufferers the feeling of an invisible wall between themselves and the world. Therefore, it is key that you do not negate or deny her feelings. Depression is real and painful, so denying those symptoms can cause feelings of guilt, inadequacy, and even more doubt about reality.
   • Whatever you do, avoid telling a depressed person to "cheer up" or "just get over it, already".
   • Another common misstep is getting so invested and frustrated that you end up arguing with the person about her feelings and what to do about them.

Providing Ongoing Support

1. Stay connected remotely. You can make a big statement that shows your continual love and support just by dropping her a line whenever she pops into your head. Frequent communication will remind her that dropping out is not an option--you are a reliable connection to the otherwise daunting world outside the haze of depression for whenever she feels ready.
   • Wondering who will most appreciate the funny texts and emails you like to send? While you may not always receive the wittiest response, cute memes and jokes will provide a meaningful lift.
   • Try to send some greeting or acknowledgment each day that you don't see each other in person.
   • Overall, you want to make sure your friend feels connected. Make sure to take your friend's personality into account; if she is not the kind of person who would want this much contact, adjust accordingly.
2. Plan to meet in person. Make time to see her as often as she (and you) can manage. Provide as many options to spend time together one-on-one and in group settings, while making it clear that there's never any social pressure to engage.
   • Express that seeing each other is simply important and enjoyable to you, and not at all perfunctory.
   • Sometimes depression causes feelings of guilt for being a burden on others, as the sufferer is often aware of the changes in her ability to socialize. So, assure the person that her presence is not burdensome.
3. Up the activity level.When depressed, it rarely occurs to people to be active. However, even light physical activity can be beneficial right away. Try encouraging walks, gardening, and spending time outside.
   • Physical activity releases endorphins (feel-good hormones), increases levels of serotonin in the brain, uses adrenaline that would otherwise cause stress, and improves general health and fitness. These all provide an increased sense of control and well-being.
   • The best way to ensure that these suggestions will be acted upon is by offering to join in yourself. If possible, make a commitment to be more active together on a regular basis.
   • Natural light is very beneficial, especially early in the day. And, all opportunities to leave the house should be supported--even low-key activities like eating at a restaurant or catching a movie can help boost mood.
   • Remember, the gesture is more important than the activity. Don't worry about making the activity as exciting and entertaining as you would in other circumstances.
4. Do chores as a team.Offer to go shopping, do laundry, and run other errands together. These tasks can be daunting for someone with depression because even the smallest things seem overwhelming. Lending a hand shows that you understand how hard mundane chores can sometimes seem.
   • Doing these tasks together can also give you another opportunity to check up on what the person seems capable of managing and what routine maintenance is falling by the wayside. Then, you can help accordingly by making it a point to encourage or aid whatever is slipping through the cracks.
5. Focus on self-care together.In addition to the difficulty of chores, basic self-care often gets neglected when depression hits. Set an example for the person to get enough sleep, go to bed early, drink lots of water, and eat nutritious foods.

Suggesting Outside Help

1. Initiate a conversation about outside help. Make it clear that you are concerned, willing to help, and that you consider depression a serious health issue to be dealt with. As often as you can, cite specific changes that have made you worried about the person. The following are examples of good conversation starters:
   • “I've noticed that you don't seem to be getting as much sleep as you need."
   • "I'm worried that you have less of an appetite than you used to."
   • "You're usually so excited to spend time with your friends, and lately you seem to have lost interest."
     • If the person becomes awkward, angry, or defensive, do your best to remain calm but consistent about what you are trying to get across.
2. Encourage therapy and support groups. For all the support that you can provide, depression is a serious illness. This means that attending to it fully requires both professional help and commiseration with others who are also dealing with depression.
   • In these venues, the person can learn the fine details of how to cope, what types of therapy are available, and the pros and cons of using prescription medications.
   • A combination of therapy, group support, and medication is usually the best way to deal with depression. By seeing the person through accessing at least one of these treatments, you are helping open the door for the rest of them.
   • You can find referrals through professional networks like the American Psychological Association, through searches in local directories, and by seeking recommendations (or encouraging the depressed person to seek recommendations) from other friends and family members who have experience dealing with mental health issues.
3. Learn about different options together. Because treating depression requires different types of care, learning about recovery can trigger anxiety and lethargy. Explore different types of therapists and groups together to support the person through the process.
   • This way you can ensure that all options are considered and that the person's needs are best met by the professional services she seeks. Therapists and support groups come with different specialties, and a good fit is crucial to getting the depressed person engaged.
   • For example, counseling psychologists are usually goal-directed and offer advanced coping skills to meet goals and create solutions. On the other hand, psychiatrists' focus is on prescribing and testing out different medications. Choices can be made depending on the severity of symptoms and the depressed person's inclinations.
   • Remind the person that she deserve a good therapist who understands her needs. It is all the better if the person wants to combine forms of help in ways that best suit her.
4. Offer assistance throughout help-seeking. Especially for someone ambivalent about getting a handle on her depression, the process of seeking help can be overwhelming. Depending on how much time you're able to contribute to her cause, make firm and clear offers about how you can help.
   • For example, maybe you know where to find a solid list of therapist referrals, but you do not feel comfortable accompanying her to the first session. Be explicit about how you can help, and do not commit to anything that you may not be able to follow through with.

Taking Care of Yourself

1. Stay alert to signs of burnout. Feeling overwhelmingly pessimistic, angry about the amount of time devoted to helping, and drained of energy are all indication of burnout. If you see these, take another look at the balance you are striking between your self-care and the depressed person's.
   • It is common for those close to people suffering from depression to feel guilty about being able to thrive and enjoy life. Your health and good cheer are important on their own.
   • Burnout is much less likely if you make sure to care for yourself in all respects. This includes speaking up if you sense that resentments are building.
   • Don't let your own negative feelings build up to the point that you can't communicate with care and sensitivity.
2. Set your own limits. Making time for yourself is a crucial part of being able to deal with a depressed person. Your own time will also give you the energy and strength to give the good support that you intend. Try to create some rules for yourself, like avoiding spending longer than a full day one-on-one with the person. Even if the person is your spouse or family member, you can try to build in short breaks or make sure others are around as well.
   • Taking this measure is extremely important if you recognize yourself as the type of friend or loved one who tends to be a little more generous and caring to others than you are to yourself. Dealing with depression is a deep learning experience for everyone involved.
3. Maintain your other relationships. The people in your life who are not depressed can be great sources of support and relief. Spend a good amount of time with them to relax, have fun, and re-charge.
   • Confiding in friends, family, and others who are more removed from the depressed person will also help you manage your feelings.
   • Remember that by turning to others for support does not mean that you are betraying or abandoning the depressed person. Do not feel obligated to be exclusively in depression mode with the person suffering.
4. Keep track of your own life. Do your best to keep all of your regular work and appointments in check. Some changes might be hard to avoid if you are supporting the depressed person through daily tasks, but try to keep your plans. This applies just as much to work routines as it does to leisure activities.

Sources and Citations

See also

• Volunteer at a Crisis Hotline
• Help a Depressed Boyfriend
• Help Someone with Depression
• Deal With a Depressed Parent
• Help a Friend with Depression
• Prevent Depression in Children
• Cope With Your Boyfriend's Depression
• Help Your Spouse With Depression

What links here

• Deal With a Depressed Parent