Help a Depressed Boyfriend

It can be quite challenging to help a loved one through depression. When this person is your boyfriend, you will feel your own emotional pain. Your boyfriend may be angry and lash out at you often. He may even try to withdraw from you completely. You may feel neglected, or even to blame for your boyfriend’s depression. Learn how to assist your boyfriend through this trying time while still taking time out to care for yourself, too.

Steps

Having a Candid Discussion

1. Recognize his symptoms. The ways men experience depression are slightly different than women. If you notice most or all of the following symptoms, your boyfriend may be suffering from depression.
   • Being tired most of the time
   • Losing interest in things once enjoyed
   • Getting irritable or angry quickly
   • Having trouble concentrating
   • Feeling anxious
   • Overeating, or not eating at all
   • Experiencing aches, pains or digestive problems
   • Having difficulty sleeping, or sleeping too much
   • Being unable to meet responsibilities at school, work or home
   • Having thoughts of suicide
2. Share your concerns. Maybe your boyfriend doesn’t seem to be aware of his mood lately, but after weeks of observing him, you’re confident he’s struggling with depression. Go to him in a non-confrontational way and ask to talk.
   • Some ways to start a conversation may include: "I have been feeling concerned about you over the past few weeks" or "I've noticed some differences in your behavior lately, and I want to talk to you."
   • If there is tension between you and your boyfriend, refrain from bringing up the notion of his depression. This could come off as accusatory and cause him to shut down.
3. Use “I” statements to avoid blame. It is natural for men with depression to be argumentative or angry. He may demonstrate these characteristics no matter what you do. However, if you approach him in a loving, nonjudgmental manner, he may be willing to listen.
   • It can be easy to come off as blaming or judging your boyfriend if you are not careful with your language. A statement like “You have been really mean and irritable lately” might cause him to become defensive.
   • Use an “I” statement - that focuses on your own emotions - instead, such as “I am worried that you may be depressed because you haven't been sleeping at all. Plus, you're avoiding your friends. I would like us to talk about ways we can get you feeling better.”
4. Listen to him and affirm his feelings. If your boyfriend decides to open up to you about what he is experiencing, know that this takes courage. Strive to help him open up by letting him know that he is safe to share his feelings with you. If he talks to you, listen attentively, making sure to nod or respond reassuringly. Afterwards, summarize what he said and repeat it back to him to show you were listening.
   • For example, you might say “It sounds like you have been feeling really agitated and can’t get yourself out of this state. Thank you for sharing that with me. I am sorry that you have to go through this, but I will do whatever I can to help you.”
5. Ask safety-related questions. If your boyfriend is struggling with depression, he may have thoughts of hurting himself. Even if he does not have thoughts of suicide, your boyfriend could be engaging in risky behaviors, such as driving recklessly or using drugs or excessive amounts of alcohol to self-medicate. Be straightforward in your concern about your boyfriend’s safety and wellbeing. You might ask the following questions:
   • Are you having thoughts of hurting yourself?
   • Have you ever tried to commit suicide in the past?
   • What plan do you have for ending your life?
   • What means do you have to hurt yourself?
6. Get your suicidal boyfriend emergency assistance. If your boyfriend’s responses indicate a clear desire to end his life (along with a detailed plan and means to carry it out), you need to get him help right away. If you are in the US, call the 24-hour National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK.
   • You might also call 911 or a local emergency services number if you believe your boyfriend is an immediate threat to himself.
   • Have someone remove any items that could potentially be used as a weapon. And make sure someone stays with him at all times.
7. Express your readiness to support him. A depressed person may feel incapable of asking for help, no matter how badly he requires it. Extend a helping hand to your boyfriend by asking what how you can support him, how you can help him relieve stress, and whether you can run errands or take him somewhere.
   • Keep in mind that he may not have any idea what you can do to help. With that being said, asking something like "How can I be there for you right now?" could allow him to tell you what support should look like for him.
8. Help him seek treatment for depression. Once your boyfriend has accepted the notion that he is, indeed, depressed, you will want to encourage him to get treatment. Depression is a treatable illness quite similar to many medical conditions. With proper professional assistance your boyfriend can enjoy improvements in his mood and functioning. Offer to help him search for a psychologist or psychiatrist, and, if he likes, accompany him to his doctor’s appointments.

Facilitating Your Boyfriend’s Recovery

1. Suggest a physical activity to do together. In addition to medication or psychotherapy, physical exercise can be very effective at improving the mental health states of people with depression. Staying active provides mood-enhancing chemicals called endorphins that can make your boyfriend feel better about himself. It can also provide a positive distraction from some of the negative thoughts and feelings he has that contribute to his mood.
   • Consider a shared activity that you and your boyfriend can do together that will provide health-promoting benefits to the both of you. Suggestions might include new fitness class in the gym, a home workout program, running in the park, or participating in group sports.
2. Ensure he is eating healthy foods. Researchers believe there’s a connection between diet and depression. This doesn’t mean that your boyfriend’s late-night junk food habit caused him to feel so low, but, it does imply that maintaining this unhealthy habit could keep him stuck in a negative mood state.
   • Help your boyfriend stock his fridge with heart and brain healthy foods such as fruits, vegetables, fish, and limited amounts of meats and dairy which have been associated with lower rates for depression.
3. Help him discover ways to manage stress. You can help your boyfriend minimize the stress in his everyday life by introducing him to healthy stress coping skills. Firstly, ask him to write down all the things in his life that are causing him stress or anxiety. Then, work together to brainstorm ways you can reduce or eliminate these stressors. Next, create a list of go-to strategies he can incorporate into his daily life to relax and keep stress at bay.
   • Possible activities that may help him to manage stress include deep breathing, going for walks in nature, listening to music, meditating, writing in a journal, or watching funny movies or videos.
4. Recommend he keep a mood journal. Create a Mood Chart for Yourself can help your boyfriend get in touch with his feelings, and become more aware of how he feels from day to day. People with depression can track their sleeping and eating habits to look for patterns that lead to negative mood states. Your boyfriend can also write down his thought patterns and feelings each day to spot fluctuations in his mood.
5. Help him connect with others. Both men and women who are dealing with depression tend to withdraw socially. Unfortunately, maintaining social connections can actually help depressed persons reduce feelings of isolation and fight depression. Come up with activities that you and your boyfriend can do with others so that he can forge new bonds. Or, talk to his existing friends and encourage them to get together.
6. Steer clear of enabling your boyfriend. Yes, your boyfriend will have to recover in his own time and in his own way. However, you may worry that you are enabling him to continue the cycle of depression. If you are doing so much for your boyfriend that it removes any potential for him to gather the strength to do for himself, then you might need to back off.
   • Try being supportive instead of enabling. Gently push your boyfriend to be physical active, join in on social activities, or get some fresh air, without demonstrating “tough love” or neglecting him. Your boyfriend wants you to show empathy and love, but he does not need for you to take all the responsibility of healing away from him.

Taking Care of Yourself

1. Don't take your boyfriend's depression personally. Remember that depression is a complex illness, and you can't control the way your boyfriend feels. It's natural to feel helpless or pain when you see him hurting. Still, you should not take what he's going through as a sign that you are lacking something, or that you aren't a great girlfriend.
   • Strive to stick to your regular routine as much as possible, making sure that you are fulfilling your own responsibilities at work, school, or home.
   • Also, set clear limits of what you can and cannot do for him. You may feel guilty, but, know that you are not responsible for making him feel better. Trying to do too much might jeopardize your own health and well-being.
2. Acknowledge that you can’t “fix” him, but you can support him. No matter how much you may love and care for your boyfriend, you alone cannot help him. Believing that you can “fix” him will only set you up for failure, and may even irritate your boyfriend if you are treating him like some sort of project.
   • Aim to just be there, and offer your assistance and support wherever needed. Your boyfriend will have to overcome depression in his own time.
3. Find a support system. Your boyfriend’s depression is such a huge battle to fight that it may seem like he hardly has any energy to put into the relationship. Supporting him during this time may cause you to put your own emotions aside. This is hard for the both of you, and you need to seek support as well. Join a support group, maintain regular social activities with supportive friends, or talk to a counselor if you need to.
4. Practice daily self-care. It can be easy to spend so much time caring your boyfriend that you forget to care for yourself. Try not to neglect participating in activities that are enjoyable to you such as reading, spending time with friends, or taking a hot bath.
   • And, don’t feel guilty for taking time out for yourself. Remember, you won’t be of any help to him, if you are neglecting yourself.
5. Understand healthy relationship boundaries. Although you want to help your romantic partner as much as possible, sometimes depression may make it impossible to maintain the relationship. If your partner cannot relate to you in a healthy manner, the relationship just may not be feasible. This does not mean a depressed person cannot have a fulfilling relationship--many people dealing with depression do. However, depression can cause deep problems in a relationship. Remember:
   • A boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is is not a marriage. As a girlfriend or boyfriend, you have a right to break it off if it is not working for you. You are not a bad person if you discontinue a relationship with a person who is not able at this point to offer much to you and especially not if it is not supporting you.
   • It is important for you to know what you want out of a romantic relationship, and consider if you are getting what you need.
   • It is not selfish to put yourself and your needs first. Especially as an independent adult, no one is patrolling your needs. You have to care for yourself before you care for others.
   • Sometimes depression can make a person unable to maintain a romantic relationship. That is not a reflection on you, as the significant other, nor does it mean you are somehow deficient. Just loving someone does not mean you can necessarily overcome what can be a significant mental illness.
   • Depression is not an excuse for abuse, manipulation, or other poor treatment. Depressed people are more prone to behaviors that are negative. However, if your significant other is not in control, that does not absolve him or her of responsibility. In fact, you may have to remove yourself from the situation to protect yourself.
   • It is not your responsibility to manage his reaction to a break-up. A real fear after a break-up with a depressed boyfriend is that he will do something dramatic, including suicide. But you cannot control his actions. If you do have concerns that your ex may harm himself or others, get help. Do not allow yourself to be trapped in a relationship you fear to leave.

Tips

• Prove to him that you are strong and independent enough not to rely on him. If he is worried about how you will cope without his attention, he will find it harder to be honest with you and focus on getting better.
• Be patient. Hopefully, your guy will feel better soon enough, and, perhaps, your relationship will be renewed with a sense of closeness and trust. He will likely love you even more for standing by him.

Warnings

• Watch out if depression is very frequent or habitual, or if it starts becoming part of the guy's general character. He might need medical assistance. Also this might end up making him overly dependent on you, which is not healthy. If the depression gets serious (suicidal thoughts, etc.), it's time to involve someone who can help.
• If he asks you to leave him alone for a while, respect his need for space. However, have family and friends keep a close check on him if you fear he may be a danger to himself.
• In some cases, you might be accused of ulterior motives, or he might start distrusting you. Don't take it personally. Wait until his depression improves, and then bring it up. Tell him how his accusations hurt you (use “I” statements), and how you would like for him to refrain from doing that in the future. The same goes for rude behavior on his part when depressed.

Sources and Citations

See also

• Volunteer at a Crisis Hotline
• Help Someone with Depression
• Deal With a Depressed Parent
• Help a Friend with Depression
• Prevent Depression in Children
• Deal With a Depressed Person
• Cope With Your Boyfriend's Depression
• Help Your Spouse With Depression

What links here

• Break Up With Someone Who Is Threatening Suicide
• Understand Depression