Deal with Step Parents and Step Siblings

Adjusting to your parents’ divorce can be difficult, especially if they remarry. Suddenly, you have a new stepparent, and possibly even step-siblings. This often makes for a period of uncomfortable exchanges as the two families try to come to terms with each other. Dealing with stepfamilies is mostly an attitude adjustment, and there are strategies for achieving this. Your relationship with a stepparent versus a step-sibling will vary to a degree.

Steps

Coping With Step Parents

  1. Communicate your expectations. Your stepparent(s) have a "job" in the family and in your life. They won’t have the same role in your life as your biological parents, but they will still be around. Tell them what you want them to do for you, and what you don’t want them to do. Don’t approach them intending to tell them how they’ve upset you, but to establish a line of communication.[1]
    • For example, try telling them if you would like their help with doing your schoolwork.
    • You also might tell them that you would rather your biological parents give you relationship advice.
  2. Try to be impartial. When conflicts arise, children are more likely to agree with their biological parent than their stepparent.[2] Recognize this and try to view her words and actions without factoring in your relationship with her. She will appreciate you siding with her on an issue even though you may not have come to appreciate her yet.
    • If you find yourself upset at something she says, take a step back and think about it. If your biological parent had said it, would you still be upset?
    • Try to appreciate her contributions to the family as you would your biological parent. For example, if she organizes a barbecue, try to enjoy it as you would your mom or dad's event.
    • Most importantly, try to see her side in family disputes. Sometimes, you may be what holds the family and stepfamily together.
  3. Recognize the stepparent’s challenges. You may not like that your parent remarried, but the stepparent has an uphill battle winning over the whole family. Give him time to get used to being around new children. Being understanding with him should help reduce the amount he gets frustrated with their new family.
  4. Let your stepparent know if you are uncomfortable. It is common for relationships between a stepparent and a stepchild to suffer from gender confusion. For example, a stepfather may be confused about whether it’s appropriate to hug a stepdaughter the same way as a biological daughter. If he is being too physically affectionate for your comfort, let him know.[3]
    • This should be communicated to him in a caring way. For example, you might say: "I know you just want to be close to me and I appreciate that, but I'm not ready for you to hug me tight yet. I'll let you know when I am."
  5. Let your biological parent(s) help. If you are less laid-back than your siblings, you may have trouble adjusting to the new stepparent. Let your parents know that you want the family to be happy, but want them to help you adjust. Communicating that you want to do your best to get to know your stepparent will improve your relationship with your biological and stepparents.
    • For example, you could tell them: "I'm trying to get used to this new family situation, but transitions can be really hard for me. Can you help me take this new father-son dynamic slow for a while and let it develop?" This doesn't put them in the driver's seat, but it does put them in the passenger's seat, helping you navigate the waters.
  6. Don't expect an overnight friendship. You won’t immediately become close with a stepparent, and that is okay. In fact, his or her relationship with you will never be the same as with your biological parents. If a stepparent is coming on too strong, let him know you just want to take it easy for a while. There is nothing wrong with letting a relationship develop naturally over time.[4]

Coping With Step Siblings

  1. See it as a "blended family." Your new step-siblings aren’t an addition to your family, nor are they entirely separate. Rather, you have blended two families. They are different from friends, since you interact with each other in the home, but you don’t need to see them in the same light as your original nuclear family.[5]
  2. Look for common interests. It will be a big step forward if you can find one or two things both you and your step sibling(s) enjoy. You don’t have to want to spend every minute together, but inviting them over to watch a football game, for example, can go a long way. Making an effort to get along with your step sibling(s) will also improve your relationship with your new stepparent.
    • You could also connect by trying something you know your step-sibling likes. For example, if he enjoys building and playing with remote control cars, ask if you can join some time. This will show that you're putting forth an effort to be a part of his life, rather than only the other way around.
  3. Accept that you have different privileges. One source of conflict with a new step-siblings may be that they are allowed to do different things, such as stay up past 10pm. You can’t change their household rules, and you can’t force your biological parents to give you the same privileges. If one of their privileges really bothers you, let your biological parent know. He may be able to come up with a compromise for you.
    • If it is an age-related difference, such as a later bedtime, you may be allowed the same privileges when you're your step-sibling's age.
    • If it is simply a parenting difference, like using a parent's car to see friends, talk to your biological parent. He may not be prepared to give you that privilege, but telling him the difference in privileges bothers you should be a sign to him that you aren't entirely satisfied with the way things currently are.
  4. Stay positive with your step siblings. If your step sibling(s) do something differently than you, don't criticize or comment. You don’t have to be best friends with them, but you will have to interact with them whether you get along or not. Accept their customs. If they criticize you, try to keep your cool. Explain why you do something the way you do, and accept that they still may not respect you.
  5. Be willing to share. If your new stepparent also has children, especially if they are younger than you, it is important to share. Let them know what they aren't allowed to touch. Also, keep things you wouldn't like them to be looking at somewhere where they are less likely to find it.
    • For example, you could invite your step siblings to your birthday party. Introducing them to your friends is a good way to share your life with them.

Avoiding Common Mistakes

  1. Avoid gossip and behind-the-back insults. You may notice quirky or even unfriendly behaviors in your new step family, but it's best to keep your comments to yourself. Focus on their positives instead. You may think your biological family agrees with your comments, but it may make them uncomfortable. They may be trying to adjust to this new life, and you are getting in the way.[6]
  2. Keep money out of the equation. Asking for a little spending cash can be a recipe for disaster. Step parents should take steps to treat step children like their own, but they should also respect their biological parent's rules.[7]
    • Stepchildren shouldn't see a new stepparent as an extra well of cash. They are not your personal bank, so don't put tension on the relationship by trying to make a withdrawal.
  3. Don't be rude. Do not expect your stepparent to allow you to act out simply because he or she is not your biological parent. You may be upset about your new stepparent or step siblings, and that's okay, but don't use it as an excuse to be outright rude. Remember that this is a struggle for them, too, and they still deserve to be treated with basic human respect.
  4. Ask for some alone time with your biological family. It may seem like the best way to form new bonds is by trying hard all the time. This is not necessarily true. Ask your biological parent if you can do something just the two of you. You shouldn't try to exclude your stepfamily from every single event, but it's good for you to get some one-on-one time with your biological family, too.
  5. Accept that your stepparent is different. Expect your stepparent to have different behaviors and reactions reactions than your biological parent. Know that your stepmom might not be cool with something your biological mom allows you to do. Don't make assumptions about how your stepparent will behave or react.

Tips

  • Consider suggesting therapy if all your interactions with your step family are uncomfortable. There are family counselors who specialize in step family and divorce cases.

References

  1. ↑ [v161092_b01]. 25 July 2019.
  2. ↑ http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15901223
  3. ↑ http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/stepfamily.aspx
  4. ↑ http://parenthood.library.wisc.edu/Bliss/Bliss.html
  5. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/step-parenting-blended-families.htm
  6. ↑ http://www.womansday.com/relationships/family-friends/a6711/stepparent-mistakes/
  7. ↑ http://life.familyeducation.com/parenting/stepfamilies/39526.html?page=4
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