Date a Man with Kids

So you've met the man of your dreams...and he's got kids. Maybe kids weren’t part of your initial plan. How do you deal with the situation? There are a lot of ways that you could react to discovering that he has children, but if he truly is the man of your dreams you should be able to have a relationship with him and with his children.

Steps

Determining Whether to Continue Your Relationship

1. Ask yourself what you want. Being with a man with children is never an easy thing and it isn't for the faint of heart. Don't feel bad if you can't deal with the division of attention. Consider it self-preservation. Take some time alone to make sure this is what you want. Ask yourself the following questions:
   • Can you handle sharing his attention and time with his children?
   • Will you be jealous of the time he spends with his children?
   • Are you willing to act as a good role model for his children?
   • Do you want a relationship with his children?
2. Recognize the need for sharing. If you decide that you want to pursue this relationship, you will need to share your significant other. You need to be aware that his children will always be his top priority. There will be times when you need to share him with his children and depending on the situation, if there is an emergency or if the mother of his children is undependable, this sharing may become quite one-sided.
3. Know that he likely has a connection to his ex. Whether they are amicable or fight like cats and dogs, your man probably has regular interactions with the mother of his children. While this is for the well-being of his children, it can place a strain on his relationship with you if you are jealous of his ex, if you and his ex don’t get along, or if his ex decides to interfere with your relationship in any way. Ask yourself if this is something you could handle.
4. Ask about his custody arrangement. You’ll want to know how often he spends time with his children and if he is their primary caregiver. This will allow you to set up realistic expectations of the amount of time that you will be able to spend with him. You’ll also want to know if he has a co-parenting plan with his ex that requires him to spend holidays, vacations, and other parts of the year with his ex and his children as a whole family unit.
5. Get acquainted with his parenting style. It is possible that he will have a parenting style with which you disagree. If this is the case, know that you have no right to argue with his parenting style since these are his children and not yours. If you cannot abide by his parenting style, you should walk away. Know that if you stay and ask him to change his parenting style, he will likely leave if you push him too hard. Compromising the wellbeing of his children to make you happy is not on the table for him.

Interacting with Your Significant Other

1. Talk to your man. Sometimes discussing how you are feeling will not only make you feel better, but it will let him know how you are feeling. Granted, you can't complain about every little thing, but repression is unhealthy. Let him know if you feel apprehensive or have reservations about continuing the relationship and talk through those issues in a mature fashion.
   • You might say something like this: “I’ve never dated someone with children before and I’m a little nervous about it. I was wondering if we could talk about that.”
2. Be flexible. When you’re dating a man with children, his schedule might change quickly to accommodate the needs of his children. This means that your dinner date might go out the window when your man’s son ends up in the ER for stitches after falling off his bike.
3. Take things slow. Don’t rush getting to know your man in the hopes that you’ll meet his children sooner. Sure, maybe you want to meet his children, but before you do that you should know with certainty that you are in a healthy committed relationship with your significant other.
4. Be mature. Don’t play manipulative mind games with your man. Don’t put him in a position where he needs to choose between you or his children. A good father will eliminate a potential love interest if he feels like she is acting jealous, playing games, or competing against his children for his attention.

Building a Relationship with His Children

1. Have a cordial relationship with the child's mother. You don't need to become best friends, but don't be cold (the children might feel you are a threat to their mother and act out against you). Don't be afraid to ask your man about his relationship with her. What they did, but more so, why they broke up? Sometimes figuring out her quirks will help you communicate better with her.
   • Try coordinating transportation to school during the week — maybe she can't pick them up on Thursdays, so you can offer to do it — or offering to help plan a birthday party with her. If you're helping plan an event like a birthday party, keep in mind that you are not running the show — just be there to offer your assistance. Ask if you can pick up the cake, get balloons, assist with decorating, or if there are any specific things she'd like you to do to help. Don't turn it into a power struggle.
2. Decide when to meet his children. Make a point not to meet his children until you've been dating for a while and have a very strong agreement that you will have a future together. Meet in a neutral location and take the time to really get to know his children well. Don't forget that every relationship is different and his children may appreciate knowing the person that their parent is dating.
   • You might decide to meet his children in a place where you can undertake a group activity, such as an arcade, a bowling alley, or a trampoline gym. This depends upon the ages of his children and their interests. Try to find a group activity that everyone can participate in to diffuse tension and ease discomfort.
3. Have an honest conversation with his children. Tell his kids that you are really nervous about meeting them because you love their father. Let them know that you don't ever want to give them the impression that you are there to replace their mother. Finish the conversation by telling them that you're looking forward to getting to know them better and be open to their questions.
   • You might lead in with something like, “Hi, my name is _____. I’ve been looking forward to meeting you because I enjoy spending time with your dad and he always has so many nice things to say about you. Just the other day, he told me how proud he was of you for getting an A on your spelling test.”
   • You might also say, “I want us to be friends if that’s okay with you. I know that you already have a mom and aunts and uncles and other family members who love you, so I thought that perhaps, we could be friends.”
   • Finally, you might say, “I’m really looking forward to spending more time with you so that we can get to know each other better. How does that sound to you?”
4. Realize that his children may dislike you initially. Don't be upset about this or take this to heart. You are a stranger to them. Children have thoughts and feelings all their own and at times they may act impulsively. Be sure that you think before you act, offer to get to know them in their own time, and take things in stride. Manage rejection gracefully and talk to the child with respect.

Tips

• Be honest about your ability to accept his children.
• Be honest with yourself about your long-term relationship goals.
• Don’t try to be a replacement mother for his children. Instead, strive to be an aunt or an adult friend.

Warnings

• Don't go into the relationship looking for a ready-made family. Be there for the man, everything else is a bonus.
• Remember that if you become involved with this man and his children and then you break-up with him, you are also breaking up with his kids.

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• Date a Man Who Has a Child when You Don't
• Date a Man/Woman Who Embarrasses You

Translations

• This article has been translated to Spanish Language Es:citarse con un hombre con hijos

Sources and Citations

See also

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• Get a Guy Who Has a Girlfriend
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• Get an Older Guy to Like You
• Attract a Guy
• Get Him to Make a Move
• Know if You Like a Guy

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