Deal with a Nagging Wife

Nagging is a frequent complaint of married couples. It is a cycle of behavior that usually starts if one party feels nagging is the only way to get what he or she wants. If your wife's nagging is getting to you, there are various ways to cope. In the moment, stay calm and respectful and, if necessary, disengage. In the future, however, work on addressing big picture issues and making small changes with the goal of cultivating a happier, more harmonious household.

Steps

Protecting Your Emotional Health

  1. Try to calm down. In the heat of the moment, you might feel like the nagging is impossible to deal with. And it certainly can be frustrating and hurtful. However, try not to let it upset you too much. Anger and hurt can have negative effects on your mental and physical health.[1]
    • You’re already dealing with a lot of stress because of the nagging. Try not to let it harm you further. Stress can cause headaches, increased heart rate, and hyperventilating.
    • Take five deep breaths, slowly breathing in and out. This will help calm you.
    • After you leave the situation, try listening to soothing music or taking a hot shower.
  2. Walk away. Nagging can sometimes feel unbearable. If your wife simply will not stop being negative towards you, you should feel free to walk away. No one has the right to try to make you feel bad about yourself.[2]
    • Make it clear that you are finished with this interaction. You can say, “I am going to take a walk to calm down. Your words are hurtful.”
  3. Acknowledge your emotions. When you are dealing with constant nagging, it is important that you recognize how you are feeling. Repressing your emotions will likely only make you feel worse. Instead, work on being open about how you are feeling. Some common emotions are:[3]
    • Anger
    • Frustration
    • Worry
    • Self-doubt
  4. Practice self-care. Working to protect your emotional health is important. When the nagging is causing you a lot of stress, remember to take some time for self-care. Self-care is the act of treating yourself kindly and allowing yourself to take a break.[1]
    • Spend some time outside. Take a hike or catch a baseball game.
    • Treat yourself to your favorite food.
    • Take time to go catch a movie you’ve been wanting to see.
  5. Vent your frustrations. It’s not healthy to keep your emotions bottled up. That can lead to even more frustration and anger. Instead, give yourself permission to voice your feelings. This can help give you some relief.[1]
    • Get together with a trusted friend and tell them that you need to talk.
    • Try writing in a journal. It can be cathartic to write down how you’re feeling.

Finding Positive Ways to Assert Yourself

  1. Define the problem. No one likes to be nagged. But which part of nagging is bothering you the most? Is it the requests or the way that they are phrased? Or is it possibly the timing or frequency of the nagging that bothers you the most.?[4]
    • Are you actually mad that your wife asks you to take out the trash? Or are you more upset that she asks you to do it the minute you get home from work?
    • Once you can clearly articulate the problem, you’ll be better able to address it.
  2. Offer to negotiate. Your wife might feel defensive if you make demands. Instead of insisting that she immediately change her behavior, try taking a more sympathetic tone.[5]
    • For example, you might offer to meet her halfway on an issue that bothers you.
    • You could say, “I’ll be happy to take out the trash, but the minute I get home from work is not a good time for me. I’ll start taking it out in the morning instead.”
  3. Clarify your feelings. When you are feeling stressed, it can be easy to allow yourself to become argumentative. Try to avoid this, and have a productive conversation with your wife instead. Make sure to clearly state how you are feeling and why.[6]
    • Use “I” statements to avoid casting blame.
    • Try saying, “I feel stressed when you ask me several times to do one thing.”
  4. Reassure yourself. If your wife doesn’t see your point of view, you might feel discouraged. However, it is important that you stand your ground. Remind yourself that you count and that your feelings matter.[6]
    • Tell yourself that no one has the right to discount your emotions. Even if your wife doesn’t see your point of view, your feelings are valid.

Working Towards Better Communication

  1. Listen carefully. The best way to understand your wife’s point of view is to listen to what she is saying. Take some time to work on bettering your communication. This includes practicing your active listening skills.[7]
    • Show that you are listening by maintaining eye contact and making gestures such as nodding.
    • You can also indicate your interest by paraphrasing. For instance, “I hear you saying that you feel I don’t help out enough around the house.”
  2. Find ways to agree. You need to have an open and honest conversation about your wife’s behavior. During this conversation, try to find common ground. You might find that you are actually both frustrated by the same things.[7]
    • You could say, “I agree that we’re not really working together on household chores. How could we create a more fair division of labor? I’m feeling really put upon lately.”
  3. Show affection. The nagging might be a serious problem for you. But remember, there are lots of things you love about your wife, too. Reconnect with each other by being affectionate.[8]
    • Take time each day to hug your wife.
    • Be affectionate by rubbing her shoulders while you watch TV.
  4. Make sure you are heard. If you are constantly dealing with nagging, you’ve probably asked your wife repeatedly to stop. She might seem to be listening and even agree to your requests. But it’s important to realize that that is not the same as actually being heard. Being heard means that your wife is taking in what you are saying, understanding it, and acting on it.[9]
    • If your wife continues this behavior, she’s clearly not hearing what you are saying. Make your emotions clear.
    • Try saying, “I have explained to you that I feel hurt, angry, and frustrated. I feel that you are not hearing me, because you continue to nag me, even though it hurts. I need you to understand my point of view.”
  5. Go to counseling. Sometimes couples hit a rough patch. If your efforts at fixing the problem don’t seem to be working, you might want to consider some outside help. Counseling can be a great way for couples to learn new ways to communicate.[10]
    • Ask your wife if she is willing to attend counseling with you. That way, you can work on solving the problem together.
    • If she doesn’t want to go, you can go on your own. You can still get help processing your emotions.
  6. Revisit the issue. It is important that you get some kind of resolution. It is not fair for you to have to live with all of these negative emotions. If your wife does not changer her behavior, you need to keep revisiting the issue.[11]
    • Make it clear that you are not going to let the matter drop.
    • Try saying, “I know we just talked about this last week, but I haven’t seen any positive changes. I need you to realize how hurtful you are being.”
  7. Insist on change. If your wife simply won’t stop, you have every right to demand some sort of resolution. If you have tried to communicate and maybe even tried counseling, it might be time to make a firm demand.[12]
    • Think about whether the nagging is a deal breaker for you. If it’s not, you can keep trying to make your wife hear you.
    • If you just can’t take it anymore, make that clear. Try saying, “I can’t continue to live with this stress. If you can’t make some immediate changes, I’m going to have to consider taking some time off from our relationship.”

Seeking to Understand Your Wife’s Behavior

  1. Put the comments in perspective. Take a minute to put yourself in your wife’s shoes. Is she really that upset about the trash? Or is it possible that she is upset about a bigger issue? Many times, people will fixate on a smaller issue to hide their anxiety about something major.[7]
    • It’s possible that your wife feels like you aren’t actually hearing her when she speaks. This might cause her to keep harping about the trash, when really she is needing you to acknowledge her words.
  2. Show interest in her. It’s possible that your wife needs some more attention from you. It is also possible that she is having trouble voicing her emotions. Take a minute to consider what she’s nagging you about.[13]
    • Is she constantly demanding that you make a point to come home from work earlier? Although unpleasant, this might actually be her way of saying she needs to spend more time with you.
    • Try spending a little more quality time with her. Take some time to sit and talk at least once a week. You might find that the nagging stops.
  3. Re-frame the issue. If you have a feeling that your wife’s nagging isn’t actually about taking out the trash, take some time to consider what the issue really is. Then figure out how to put that into words. Ask her if you can talk, and then work towards resolving the issue.[14]
    • You might say, “I hear you saying I’m always too busy to take out the trash. Is it possible that you feel I’m too busy to make time for you?”
    • You can also re-frame the issue by explaining your side. You could state, “I know if feels like I ignore your requests. But actually, I’d rather take time to chat with you than do chores right when I walk in the door.”
  4. Assume good intentions. When your wife is nagging you, it is natural to focus on the negatives. You might find her irritating or annoying, or even mean. Try to combat these feelings by thinking about her intentions. You may find that she really has your best interests at heart.[14]
    • For example, maybe your wife constantly nags you to go to the gym. Take a moment to understand that she probably just cares about your physical health.

Tips

  • Make your feelings clear. It’s okay to stand up for yourself.
  • Focus on the positive parts of your relationship.
  • If an argument becomes heated, take a break and cool off.

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2011/07/08/how-to-calm-down-after-a-fight/
  2. ↑ http://shellyhummeltherapy.com/fascinating-post-5/
  3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-therapy/201009/emotional-acceptance-why-feeling-bad-is-good
  4. ↑ http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/advice/a13845/stop-nagging/
  5. ↑ https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newCS_92.htm
  6. ↑ 6.0 6.1 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201209/how-and-how-not-stand-yourself
  7. ↑ 7.0 7.1 7.2 http://www.yourtango.com/experts/susie-and-otto-collins/4-methods-dealing-criticism-picking-and-nagging-yo
  8. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/relationship-help.htm
  9. ↑ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/listen-up-why-you-dont-feel-heard-in-your-relationship-0810154
  10. ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/marriage-counseling/basics/definition/prc-20012741
  11. ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/raising_happiness/post/should_you_stay_or_should_you_go
  12. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/robert-leahy-phd/relationship-communication_b_815699.html
  13. ↑ http://newsroom.ucla.edu/releases/Keys-to-Happier-Marriage-Include-652
  14. ↑ 14.0 14.1 https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200903/youre-driving-me-crazy
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