Develop a Better Relationship With Your Parents

Problems between parents and children are common and timeless. If you are looking to improve your relationship with your parents, you are not alone. Developing a better relationship with your parents involves assessing the underlying cause of the issues, fostering a more mature relationship with them, and focusing on changing how you think and behave. If you currently have a negative relationship with your parents, or a so-so relationship, but desire to improve it, there are a number of steps that can be taken to make that happen.

Steps

Changing Yourself

  1. Act first. Don't wait for your parents to try to improve the relationship. If you want to improve your relationship with your parents, you should start right away and act first.[1]
  2. Be appreciative. Consider all your parents have done for you; all the ways that they have helped you; all the ways they have influenced how you think. You may find yourself feeling grateful for your parents and more willing to improve the relationship or compromise, or be more forgiving when your parents annoy you.[2]
    • Let your parents know that you are appreciative for all they have done for you. It can hurt to feel taken for granted, even for parents.
    • Show your appreciation with your actions. Get them a nice gift or, if you live with your parents, do some extra housework without being asked. They will likely be happy with you for this.
  3. Separate from your parents emotionally. This is not to say that you should not care for and love your parents. But, if you are less emotionally attached to your parents, you may be less invested in arguments or disagreements with them. This way you can walk away from a situation more easily and not let it damage the relationship. You can separate yourself emotionally from your parents in two primary ways. [2]
    • Focus less on seeking their approval. Be willing to define yourself and your self-worth through your own eyes.
    • Acknowledge your past, then move on. Your relationship with your parents may have been rough before. Remember this and assess the role you have played in your relationship with your parents, but do not let it define your relationship going forward.[2]
  4. Take their perspective. Often, people do not get along because they fail to consider others’ perspectives. Once you can empathize with another’s position and see the reasons behind it, you will likely be more willing to compromise and improve the relationship.[3]
    • Accept that your parents are different. They grew up in a different generation with different social norms and rules of conduct, with different technologies and ways of thinking, with parents who treated them certain ways, that was probably much different that the ways of parenting today.[2] Think about the ways that their lives may have been different from your life, and how these different histories may be contributing to issues in the relationship.
    • Try using this information when you talk about improving your relationship with them. Remind them that times change and ask them to think about their relationship with their own parents. See if they can recall any issues in their relationship with their parents that were due to these 'generational' differences.
    • For example, if your relationship with your parents is rocky because they disapprove of you moving in with your significant other before marriage, try reminding them that in their generation people were even more conservative still, and that times change and it is in fact quite common to move in with a significant other without being married.[4]
  5. Develop your own identity. It is OK and even healthy for you to think for yourself and to have your own opinion on matters.[2] In gaining a new found sense of autonomy and separation from your parents, you may find that your relationship improves organically.
    • Engage in self-discovery. Hold aside what everyone else thinks about you and how you should live your life, including your parents, and ask yourself some serious questions about yourself. Be sure to honestly answer questions such as "what feelings do I want to feel most?" or "what do I want to spend more of my time on?" or "what are my talents?" or "what kind of person am I?" [5]
    • Consider whether you are going along with your parents' opinion because you also believe it or because your automatic inclination is to think what they do about something (such as about your relationships, politics or even simple things like your favorite sports team, for example).
  6. Think of them as other adults, not parents. If you continue to see them as your parents, you may unthinkingly behave in a way that is child-like and promotes a relationship dynamic that you are trying to improve.
    • For example, if you continue to expect them to support you financially, you may be leaving the door open for your parents to give you too much unwanted advice or guilt you into spending time with them.[6]

Changing the Relationship Dynamic

  1. Figure out the underlying cause. Assess what in particular is troubling you about your relationship with your parents. There are several reasons you may want to improve your relationship.
    • You may feel that you parents give too much unwanted advice, treat you like a kid, do not respect your opinions, guilt you into spending time with them, or disrespect your friends or spouse. Be sure to have a good sense of the particular aspect of your relationship that you want to improve.[7]
  2. Be respectful. Even if you do not agree with their parenting style, values or principles, be courteous to your parents; in doing so you will be less likely to put them into a defensive parenting mode. [8]
    • There are a number of ways in which you can be respectful. Try using polite language (such as "sorry" or "would you mind if"), speaking modestly ("it may be" instead of "it definitely is"), and letting them finish speaking before you take your turn.
  3. Don't let things fester. If you have a fight with your parents, do everything you can to repair the relationship sooner rather than later. This will show that you care about the relationship. It will also mean you will have been fighting for less time total.[1]
  4. Keep calm. Don’t overreact when talking to your parents, you may end up saying things you regret, which will only damage your relationship further and make you seem immature.[9]
    • When you are interacting with your parents and you feel a wave of strong emotion coming on, re-assess the situation that led to your strong feelings by asking yourself some questions. [10]
    • For example, if you are in a disagreement with your parents about mowing the lawn you might ask: "In the grand scheme of things, how bad will it really be to mow the lawn?"
    • Or, if you don't live with your parents but they are overly involved, asking you detailed questions about your job and giving unwanted advice, you might ask: "What is their motivation for wanting to be so involved? Is it that they care about me and are worried about my financial security?" Asking yourself questions like this may lead you to feel less upset and it may give you insight into how you should respond to your parents. In this case, you may try to improve your relationship by easing their worries about your financial future.
    • If re-assessing your situation doesn't work to reduce how emotional you feel, try asking politely whether you can continue the discussion once you have cooled your jets. Explain that you are feeling really upset and don’t want to accidently say something rude or regretful.[11][12]
  5. Be positive. Smile at your parents. Stay positive and warm. Let them know with your body language that you are happy to see them and that you care about their well-being. This will set the tone for your communication and will help to improve the relationship. Without thinking, your parents may even mimic your positive emotions. This emotional mimicry will aid in setting a mood that will foster positive relationship change. [13]
  6. Don't ask for their advice unless you really want it. Sometimes problems arise in relationships between parents and children, particularly at the teenage years and beyond, because parents can try to give advice in an overpowering way that infringes on your sense of autonomy.[2]
    • To get around this, try only asking for their advice when you are sure that you really want it. If you are just feeling lazy to think about things on your own, and so you ask your parents, you may be opening the door to frustration on your part.
  7. Be open and honest. One way to improve your relationship dynamic is to be more willing to talk to your parents about things that you may feel are uncomfortable. This will help to build trust in your relationship with your parents, which will improve your relationship with them. [14]
    • Keep in regular contact so your parents can get a better perspective on your life, what upsets you, and what makes you happy. If they do not know you that well, it will be difficult for them to try to improve the relationship. If you listen to your parents they will be more likely to listen to you, opening the door for you to try discussing improving the relationship.[15]
  8. Establish boundaries and make rules. If you want to maintain a positive relationship with parents, but find that you always end up disagreeing, consider setting up some topics as off-limits. This may work better if you are older or no longer live with your parents. Also try creating rules that both you and your parents agree to abide by. [16]
    • Sit down with your parents and tell them you want to improve your relationship with them, but that in order to do so, you think it would be helpful if there were some rules. Ask that they make a list of the rules they would like implemented, and you do the same.
    • If you are a teenager or child, rules can include not bringing up certain topics, giving you a chance to try things on your own, or letting you stay out later at night as long as you check in by text or call and can prove that you are being responsible.
    • If you are an adult, rules can include asking your parents not to interfere with the way you are choosing to parent your own children, or asking your parents not to comment negatively about your significant other.
    • Discuss the different rules, and narrow them down to a list that you all agree on. Check in occasionally to see whether you and your parents are still happy in following the rules that you have agreed on.
  9. Avoid unnecessary arguments. Sometimes arguments are unavoidable, but do your best to refrain from unnecessary squabbles. This may mean that you have to bite your tongue when one of your parents says something controversial. Determine whether the need to respond is really necessary. If it is, make the point clearly and modestly in order to avoid an overly emotional argument.
  10. Keep interactions mature. Be fair and logical about issues and demonstrate to your parents that you are mature, and they will likely reciprocate by acting mature themselves. Oftentimes if parents see you acting mature, they will treat you accordingly.[17]

Tips

  • Recognize that you probably can't change your parents much. If you want to maintain a positive relationship with your parents, understand that largely, you will need to deal with them as they are. Although in talking with them you can work on changing your relationship dynamic, this will take time and it can be difficult to change people’s behavior in drastic ways, particularly in the short term. Remember to keep patient as you navigate improving your relationship!

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 http://psychcentral.com/lib/15-insights-on-improving-mother-daughter-relationships/
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 2.2 2.3 2.4 2.5 http://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-create-a-healthy-adult-relationship-with-mom-and-dad/
  3. ↑ http://www.researchgate.net/publication/236587449_Emphatic_Perspective_Taking_in_Family_Relationships._a_social_relations_analysis
  4. ↑ https://contemporaryfamilies.org/cohabitation-divorce-brief-report/
  5. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/04/28/questions-to-spark-self-discovery/
  6. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-create-a-healthy-adult-relationship-with-mom-and-dad/
  7. ↑ http://www.keystosimpleliving.com/home/how-to-have-a-good-relationship-with-your-parents/
  8. ↑ http://www.cyh.com/HealthTopics/HealthTopicDetails.aspx?p=240&np=296&id=2073
  9. ↑ http://torontosnumber1datedoctor.com/blog/emotional-maturity-could-it-be-the-attractive-quality-missing-in-you/
  10. ↑ http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/families/tips_disagree.html?tracking=T_RelatedArticle
  11. ↑ https://blog.udemy.com/emotional-maturity/
  12. ↑ http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2009/10/teen-maturity.aspx
  13. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/201206/there-s-magic-in-your-smile
  14. ↑ http://drphil.com/articles/article/141
  15. ↑ http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/families/talk_to_parents.html#
  16. ↑ http://www.canadianliving.com/relationships/family_connections/how_to_maintain_a_healthy_adult_relationship_with_your_parents_2.php
  17. ↑ http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/Parents/fight.html#

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