Earn Your Parents' Trust

Sometimes, it feels that your parents don't trust you and are reluctant to pile some responsibilities on you. Would you like your parents to trust you again? Trust is both earned and given through mutual experience and it is just as important. Here are a few steps to help you gain more trust from your parents.

Steps

Showing Respect

  1. Show respect. This goes both ways.You need to give your parents respect and they should do the same for you. Recognize that while you may be in different positions and coming from different points of view, each deserves to be treated with respect.
  2. Be honest. Lying is a horrible thing to do. If you lie, you're only making problems bigger, and if you lie, your parents will never trust you (nor will many other people). This is a fact. If you've done something wrong, lying about it won't make matters better for anyone - including yourself - in the long-term. And it's the long-term that generates trust. Losing a parent's support just because they don't agree with character and moral standards is not allowable, hence focusing on the common ground and being honest about that is helpful.
    • There is an exception if you are an older individual who is responsible enough to make their own decisions and want to pursue life with what they believe is true to their individuality. However, still show respect.
  3. Listen to what your parents have to say. You're not the only one with opinions - your parents have opinions too, founded on years of hard won experience. Explain to your parents that you want to hear what they think of your situation or what you are going through. Always take what they say into mind.
  4. Don't try to shame your parents. This almost never works, and most of the time your parents will become even more reluctant to trust you if you do this. Just admit you were wrong if you were, or admit you're too young or inexperienced if that's the case. They want to know that you understand why they're doing this, even if you don't.

Showing Commitment

  1. Stay on task. For example, if you are asked to do something by your parent, do it right away without any questions and stay on task while you do it. A wonderful example of this would be reading this article when you were asked to do your homework!
  2. Get up and do it. If you believe something is right, do it. If your parents still don't seem to believe in you, prove to them that you are capable and deserving of their trust. Thinking and planning won't get anyone far; you have to get out there and show them just who you are and why they should trust you.
  3. Clean the house without being asked. Ask your mom or dad if you can help with dinner. Ask your parents if they need help with something. But don't constantly ask, or it will make you seem too nice or annoying. It's best to know what needs doing and just get on with it––trust that your help is noticed, because it will be.
  4. Try to act responsible, mature and grounded. Instead of going out with your friend to the mall or a party, stay home and babysit your younger sibling or get some homework done. Be grounded, not giddy, bad-tempered, or hyper. If you're a naturally cheerful person, don't sweat. Just remember to take deep breaths to calm and center yourself. Don't tone down your personality, tone down your energy. Simply take the level of childishness down a notch and act maturely.

Communicating Well

  1. Communicate. If you have something to discuss with your parents, make sure that you get it out and tell them. Respect each other. Do the best you can to become friends with your parents. Do things around the house for them, and let them share their opinions with you.
  2. Ask, don't demand. This probably seems scary, but ask them why they believe you are too young for something, or what you did wrong in the past. Don't negotiate, ask what can be done on your part in the future. For instance, if you want a later curfew than 10:00, instead of asking, "How about 10:45? Fine, 10:30?" say something like, "So maybe my new curfew could be 10:45 if I start finishing my homework before dinner?"
  3. Be interested in your parents. If your parents seem upset, ask them what's wrong. If they ask you about your day or what happened at school don't say, "It's none of your business!" Be honest and talk to them.
  4. Try asking next time. After you feel like your parents really trust you, ask them if they can do something big like go to a party over the weekend, walk home from school, stuff like that. Don't get mad at them and storm off if they say no. Instead thank them for sharing their opinion. They might be shocked at how polite your acting and they might change their mind later. Do not be mad if they don't.
  5. Zip it up. Try not to talk back or use snide comments if your parents say something you don't particularly agree with! This may just earn you the trust you would like.

Regaining Respect After a Mistake

  1. Understand that while making mistakes is a part of everyday life that can happen to anyone, it can also affect the way that others think about you. And while nobody's perfect, one little screw up can change the way your parents view for a long time. And that view of you might get in the way of enjoying yourself or participating in activities you love or wish to join. As a result, it's important to gain back the trust you've lost from your parents.
  2. Accept that you cannot change the mistake but you can make amends. You can learn from it and do better next time around. After you've made your mistake, acknowledge what you did wrong and take responsibility for it. If or when your parents confront you about it, don't make excuses for why things went wrong or tell them it's not a big deal. Simply own up to it and show them that it was indeed a fault and you should have known better. Also let them know that you don't intend on ever doing it again.
  3. Take baby steps. After making certain mistakes parents might start to hold back on you and probably won't let you do things that they normally would. This is where gaining their trust will come in. You want to start with small steps while trying to be on your best behavior. Show them that you are responsible by doing the dishes, not waiting for them to finish up chores around the house, taking care of your siblings, and by being mature around them.
  4. Be persistent with your changed behavior and better attitude. Once your parents notice a sudden change in your behavior from childish to mature they might start to reconsider, especially if you haven't been doing anything wrong at all since the mistake. As such, you might want to continue what you're doing, wait for the right time and then speak to them. When speaking to your parents, you might want to bring up the fact that you know you've done something wrong and you've certainly learned from it. You should also mention the progress you've been making, how you haven't gotten into any trouble, and how you've become more responsible. You want to ask them to think about giving you another chance.
  5. Give your parents time to go over everything. Do not rush them and do not stop behaving or taking responsibility because you don't want them to think that you were only being good for the moment so you could go out or have fun or freedom. You want them to believe that you actually learned something and truly are changing. Be patient and positive.
  6. Be thankful and stay reformed. Once your parents have made their final decision be sure to thank them. Don't do anything crazy, don't lie, or cross the line. Remember how hard you worked to gain their trust back. Remind yourself that it wasn't easy and there's no need to ruin it all when you've already come so far. Be proud of yourself and keep up the good work.

Tips

  • Don't suddenly become a different person to impress or seduce your parents. If they want your trust, you should show them that they can have your trust, and you won't be someone else once you try for more freedom.
  • Try to take initiative. Instead of them telling you to clean your room or wash the dishes, do it before they remind you. This shows them that if, say, you looked at the clock and saw it was 10:45, you would immediately go to bed without pushing it or arguing.
  • Don't take advantage of your parents if they let you do something nice, do it nicely and make sure you stay safe.
  • Try to do what your parents tell you to, when you don't agree with them, try to negotiate.
  • Do what they ask you to do because sometimes there are things going on that us kids don't know about. Parents don't have it easy but we sure do.
  • Think trustworthy. What would a trustworthy person do? How would a trustworthy person behave? Act like that person.
  • If they wonder why you're being so nice all of a sudden, say you want to earn their trust so you could do more things with your friends, like going to the mall, or earning a cell phone. Be honest with them!
  • Talk with your parents. If you don't get along with your parents very well, ask them nicely if you can talk with them. Clearly state out your issues and ask for their opinion.
  • Speak what you need to say, and listen openly to your parent's responses. Always be ready for what they can or might say. This is an important step.
  • Don't be too good otherwise they'll suspect your trying to get out of trouble or earn their trust and make it a whole lot harder to earn back their trust or get out of grounding etc.
  • Don't ever try to get out of a lie by telling them another lie.
  • Be polite and respectful. Remain cool and calm with your parents, even if they strike a nerve. Be truthful, loyal, helpful, polite, responsible, and courageous. These are all positive, trustworthy traits.
  • Don't buy things you're not allowed to buy.
  • Change the things you're always getting nagged at about e.g picking things up you left on the ground, therefore not giving a point for an argument.

Warnings

  • Don't fall into bad social groups. If your friends are known to lie, cheat, or steal, that could imprint on you.
  • Little things count. If small, daily actions are not consistent with a trusting relationship, the trust will erode away quickly. Alternatively, even small acts can help build trust.
  • Try not to break their trust, for it can be very hard to earn it back. For some people, it can never be earned back.
  • If you've done something really really bad and want to do these steps, wait a little bit. Just because your parents might still be upset with you and the little things might be chores of punishment to them but good trustworthy things to you. So just wait a few hours, maybe more––depends on the bad thing you did. After all, the steam will be cleared and forgotten about.
  • Building trust takes lots of time. Don't expect it to happen after just a few "trust-building" experiences. It will grow through those and become stronger as they build upon each other.
  • Don't become trustworthy, earn something, and then become a non-trusted person again. You have to be trustworthy all of the time. If you keep doing that, your parents will realize what's going on.
  • Never do things behind your parents' backs just because they haven't given you freedom yet. If you do this, it's back to square one, and it will be harder than ever to gain back that trust.
  • Sometimes you need to take the punishment all this article (depending on your parents) could just make everything worse get to know your parents.
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