Differentiate Between Love and Friendship

It’s normal to love your friends. But how can you be sure that what you are feeling is not actually romantic love? Sometimes it might be hard to tell the difference between platonic friendship and a different kind of love. If you’re feeling confused, take some time to examine your relationship. Think about specific examples of times that you’ve experienced feelings of love. You can also consider your priorities. What are you looking for in a partner? Do you want to try to take the relationship to the next level? There are ways you can figure this out without risking the friendship.

Steps

Examining Your Relationship

  1. Rate the intensity of your feelings. Spend some time thinking about how powerful your emotions are. You can feel many of the same things for both a friend and lover, but the degree to which you feel these things is often an indication of whether or not you love someone. In general, the more intensely you feel about a certain person, the more likely you are experiencing love.
    • For example, you might feel chemistry with your friend because you both laugh at the same jokes and have an easy time talking to each other. When you love someone these feelings are more intense. You might feel giddy or excited.[1]
  2. Notice physical reactions. Your body can help you determine whether you’re in love. Your heart beat might become more rapid, you might feel like you have butterflies in your stomach, or you might become nervous and flustered. You will most likely not experience physical changes like this when you’re dealing with friendship.
    • When you meet up with a friend, you are probably excited. However, you probably won’t experience any major physical changes when you see them or give them a hug.
    • With someone you love, you may experience physical changes you can’t control. Your palms may sweat, your voice might become shaky, or your heartbeat could increase.[1]
  3. Compare this relationship to others. Think about how a certain relationship compares to the other friendships in your life. You probably have lots of friends, but you only feel love for one person. If you love someone, their relationship may be more important to you than the other people in your life. You may also feel a more intense connection to this person.[1]

Evaluating Your Priorities

  1. Measure the time and attention you want to give. You can tell the difference between love and friendship by thinking about the amount of attention you give someone. If you love someone, you’ll likely think about them often and want to stay in regular communication with them. You probably won’t think of a friend as much throughout the day and won’t have the same longing to talk to them.
    • You might think of your friend when something reminds you of them during your day—maybe a song you both like or a story that reminds you of an experience with them. W
    • When you love someone, they’ll likely be on your mind throughout the day, whether you’re reminded of them or not.[2]
  2. Figure out how much attention you want to get. You can determine if you have feelings of love by reflecting on how comfortable you are with the attention they give you. You may want someone you love to contact you more or hope that they think about you often throughout the day. Not hearing from a friend throughout the day won’t be as disappointing as not hearing from someone you love.
    • If you are excited to hear from one of your friends frequently throughout the day or get butterflies in your stomach when their name pops up on your phone, this could indicate that you want to move the relationship in a new direction.[2]
  3. Talk to a friend or family member. It can be difficult to be objective about your own life. It might helpful to talk to someone you trust. This person can give you an outside perspective on how the person acts toward you and whether or not they believe it is just friendship or whether it could be love.
    • For example, a friend may notice that the person you love looks at you when you’re not paying attention. They might also notice that the person talks about you a lot when you’re not there—another indication they think of you as more than a friend.
  4. Reflect on your feelings. It can be difficult to truly understand what you’re feeling for another person. Doing so often takes a great deal of self-reflection. In order to figure out if you have friendly feelings or loving feelings for someone, be honest with yourself about how they make you feel.
    • Make a list to keep track of your feelings throughout the week. Write down how you feel when you talk to this person or when you think about them. For example, you might write that you felt excited when this person called you or nervous when you were hanging out with them.
  5. Write in a journal. Take a few minutes every day to write about your interactions with the people around you. This might help you see if you are acting differently toward this person than you are toward your other friends. It could also help you uncover whether or not they are treating you like a friend or lover.
    • Try to reflect on specific situations. For example, think about a time you saw this person talking to another girl or guy and reflect on how it made you feel. Did you feel sad? Did it not affect you at all?[3]

Taking Your Relationship to the Next Level

  1. Be confident. You might be really nervous to try to change your relationship. That’s normal! However, try to act confident. Confidence can help you find the right words to say and figure out how to make your case.[4]
    • Give yourself a pep talk. Try saying something like, “I’m a fun, caring person. Bob would be lucky to be with me.”
  2. Act flirtatious. You can test the waters by casually flirting with your love interest. Start by holding eye contact for a second longer than you normally would. You can also pay more attention to them. If you’re in a group setting, focus on having a conversation with them.[4]
    • Try some casual touching. Lay your hand on theirs while you are laughing at a joke.
  3. Alter your language. Friends tend to speak to each other very casually. This can mean casual nicknames, such as “buddy”, “friend”, or “kid”. When you catch yourself using terms like this, check yourself. Those types of names are mainly used between people who are just friends. Try referring to them by their name instead.[5]
  4. Ask them out. Be direct and ask them on a date. You will never know if you two will work as an item if you don’t try to date. Be direct and open. Make it clear that you are proposing some one on one time.
    • You can say, “I’d really like to spend some one on one time with you. Would you like to have dinner with me Friday night?”[5]
  5. Accept that the other person might not share your feelings. If the person you love doesn’t feel the same way towards you, this can hurt. You might feel rejected and be upset with the other person. Try to understand that this person is probably not trying to hurt your feelings, but they feel it is important to be honest with you. Don’t try to make the other person feel bad for not sharing your feelings. If you’re not sure what to say, try some of the following:
    • “Thank you for being honest with me. I was hoping you’d feel differently, but I understand you can’t change how you feel.”
    • “I appreciate your honesty. I’d still like to be friends, but I hope you’ll understand that I may need some time to deal with my feelings.”[6]

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Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 http://www.differencebetween.net/miscellaneous/difference-between-love-and-friendship/
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201501/how-can-you-tell-when-you-should-just-be-friends
  3. ↑ http://kidshealth.org/en/kids/talk-feelings.html
  4. ↑ 4.0 4.1 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201608/how-turn-friendship-love
  5. ↑ 5.0 5.1 http://www.glamour.com/story/8-ways-to-transform-a-friendsh
  6. ↑ http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-15237/how-to-let-your-crush-know-you-have-feelings.html

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