Discuss an Unplanned Pregnancy With Your Spouse

An unplanned pregnancy is a shock and causes you to experience many different emotions. Not only are you anxious about the possibility of having a child, you may not know how to tell your spouse. Work through your own feelings before you talk to your spouse. Through an open and honest discussion, you and your spouse can make a decision that is best for your family.

Steps

Dealing with Your Emotions

1. Confirm that you are pregnant. Before you run through different scenarios in your head, be 100% sure that you are pregnant. Home pregnancy tests are convenient and very accurate. If your home pregnancy test is positive, visit a health care provider to take a blood test. You can skip the home pregnancy test and go straight to the doctor's office if you would like. In a addition to a missed or lighter period, other pregnancy symptoms include:
   • Breast tenderness
   • Increased nipple sensitivity
   • Nausea or vomiting
   • Being unusually tired
   • Feeling more emotional
   • Cramps
   • Bloating
2. Write down your feelings. You experience many emotions when you find out that you are pregnant. Identifying how you feel about your pregnancy is helpful for both you and your spouse. You need to be able to let your spouse know how you feel. You will not be able to communicate that information if you have taken the time to consider your feelings.
   • Get in a comfortable, quiet area so you can think and process your feelings.
   • You may feel excited, surprised, confident, peaceful, happy, strong, or alive.
   • You may also feel disappointed, sad, guilty, worried, confused, or embarrassed.
   • It is not uncommon to feel conflicting emotions such as being both scared, worried, and excited. You also may feel numb or uncertain about your feelings all together.
3. Consider all of your options. You have three options when you become pregnant: continue with the pregnancy, terminate the pregnancy, or give the baby up for adoption. Make a chart for each option that you are considering and list the positive and negatives of each. Think about how your life would be if you chose each option. Think about what is best for you, your spouse, and your child.
   • "The idea of having an abortion makes me feel ___ because ___ and I'm thinking ___."
   • "The idea of continuing my pregnancy and placing my child for adoption makes me feel___ because ___ and I'm thinking ___."
   • The idea of having a child right now makes me feel ____ because ____ and I'm thinking ___."
4. Talk to someone you trust. It may be helpful to speak with a close friend, family member, or counselor before you talk to your spouse. This person can help support you, comfort you, and offer you advice. A professional counselor can also advise you about approaching your spouse.
   • Your spouse may not be happy that you talked to someone else before you talked to them. If you talk to a friend or family member, ask them to keep the conversation just between the two of you.
   • Look for a therapist that specializes in pregnancy counseling.

Talking to Your Spouse

1. Choose a good time. Telling our spouse about your pregnancy is a serious conversation. Having the conversation at the wrong time or in the wrong place can make the talk more difficult. Choose a time when you and your spouse are alone, calm, in a fairly good mood, and can have an in-person talk.
   • For example, emailing or texting your spouse during work may not be the best idea.
   • Depending on how you feel, you may want to use a creative methods to let your spouse know about your pregnancy.
2. Speak honestly. Plainly tell your spouse that you are pregnant. Because you have worked through your feelings before you approach your spouse, you can clearly state how you feel about your pregnancy. Let our spouse know all of the emotions that you are experiencing and the options that you would like to explore.
   • Share your list of pros and cons with your spouse. This may be easier than relying on your memory and how you feel in the moment.
   • Avoid starting the conversation with a negative tone. For example, do not say, "I have some bad news for you..." Try something more positive like, "I appreciate you and the life that we are building together. We are having a new addition to our family."
   • Do not hold anything back. If you do not want to continue with the pregnancy or are unsure about becoming a parent right now, your spouse needs to know that.
3. Be prepared for mixed emotions. Your spouse may be feel many of the same emotions that you do. Excitement, fear, nervousness, confusion are all possible. Your spouse also may feel more like a support person and not an equal decision maker because you are the one carrying the baby.
   • Do not be alarmed by any reaction your spouse has. You have been working through your feelings already; allow your spouse to do the same.
   • If your spouse has a negative reaction, try not to take it personally. Remember that your spouse is emotional and the reaction may not accurately reflect how your spouse feels about you or your child.
   • If the discussion becomes too heated or comes to a stand still, take a break and revisit it later.
4. Listen to your spouse. You and your spouse are in this together. Ask your spouse how they feel about the pregnancy? What options would they like to explore? Are they ready to become a parent? Allow your spouse to communicate and do not interrupt them.
   • Be empathetic and consider your spouse's point of view.
   • Avoid words like "you should," or "why don't you" when you talk and ask questions. Instead say things like "I'm thinking," or "I would like to."
   • It may be helpful to have your spouse write down the pros and cons and emotions they are experiencing. This can help move the conversation forward.

Making a Decision

1. Talk about your finances. Children are expensive. They need food, clothes, diapers, health care, and require additional space. Many couples worry about how they can afford a baby that they were not expecting. Look at your current financial situation and see where you can cut back and save some money.
   • You and your spouse can also get expert advice from a financial advisor.
   • Visit the Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion website to calculate the cost of raising a child for the first year.
2. Discuss how a child will impact your relationship. Becoming parents will change the relationship between you and your spouse. Sleep deprivation, decreased intimacy, and new responsibilities are the biggest areas that your relationship will change. Talk with your spouse about how you two plan to handle these aspects of your relationship and create realistic expectations.
   • If you plan to keep the baby, talk about how you will divvy up the responsibilities (e.g. feeding, getting the baby ready before work, staying at home with the baby, parental leave, etc.)
   • Intimacy usually decreases after you have a baby. Talk with your spouse about how you will handle this.
3. Get the support of your family and friends. You and your spouse will need support no matter what decision you make. Your family and friends can help you every step of the way. Let them know that you are pregnant and how you and your spouse are feeling. You are definitely not the only couple that has experienced an unplanned pregnancy.
   • Let your support system know what you need. Be clear if you want advice or if you just need to vent.
   • If you do plan to keep the baby, you will already have a support system in place. You will definitely need help once the baby arrives.

Tips

• Avoid rash decision, think calmly and rationally. You do not want to make a decision you'll regret later.
• You and your spouse are a team and are going through this together.

Sources and Citations

See also

• Exercise Safely During Pregnancy
• Tell Your Grandparents You're Pregnant
• Tell the Position of a Baby in the Uterus
• Manage Pregnancy Food Aversions
• Plan a Postpartum Beauty Routine
• Find Out Your Baby's Sex
• Tell Coworkers You're Pregnant
• Determine How Many Weeks Pregnant You Are
• Treat Post Traumatic Stress Disorder During Pregnancy
• Make Your Water Break

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