Earn His or Her Trust Back

Successful relationships aren't free of hardship. If you have betrayed your partner's trust, you may be able to salvage the relationship by earning trust back. Show your partner you are committed and want to mend the relationship. With time and attention, you can gradually reestablish trust.

Steps

Acknowledging your Betrayal

  1. Take responsibility for your behavior and admit what you did. Lying will only further erode trust and create more stress for you. If you are dishonest, you will continue to worry about being caught. Be honest and forthright to prevent potential future betrayal and delay the process of regaining trust.[1]
    • Being forthcoming will also allow you to explain your behavior in the best possible way. Your partner may assume the worst and others may exaggerate what happened, so take control of your story.
  2. Put yourself in his or her shoes to avoid becoming defensive. Your partner will likely be upset and may use negative language. Even if you know you did something wrong, this may cause you to become defensive of deflect blame. It is important to remember your partner is in great pain, and he or she needs to express that.[2] When you start to feel the urge to defend yourself, imagine how you would feel if your partner betrayed your trust. This will help you to recognize your partner's communication as an expression of pain, rather than an attack.
    • Nothing you do will ever justify abuse. If your partner becomes physically aggressive, verbally abusive, or threatens you in any way, you should leave the situation immediately and seek help.[3]
  3. Actively listen to your partner. Show your partner you care about his or her thoughts and feelings by restating and reflecting what he or she communicates to you. Restate his or her communication by paraphrasing. Then, reflect by stating the emotion he or she is expressing.[4]
    • For example, your partner says, "You said you'd be there, but you weren't. You knew how important this was to me!"
    • Restate by paraphrasing "I wasn't there, even though I promised I would be."
    • Reflect by acknowledging the emotion your partner is communicating, "I disappointed you."
  4. Validate his or her feelings. It is very important your partner feel heard and understood. Your betrayal represents a disregard for your partner's well being. Demonstrate you care by describing how your behavior likely affected your partner.[5] For example, "My behavior was hurtful and violated your trust."
    • Try to avoid using the phrase "I know," when talking about others' feelings. While not meant to offend, some people may interpret it as patronizing.

Apologizing to your Partner

  1. Explain your motivation to behave the way you did. What drove you to betray your partner? You are responsible for your actions, but understanding the emotion underlying your behavior may trigger your partner's empathy and will help you avoid similar situations in the future.[6] Describe how you felt and then describe your behavior. For example, "I felt insecure in our relationship and sought attention from others."
    • Use "I" statements to avoid inadvertently making your partner feel like you are blaming him or her.
  2. Plan to behave differently in the future. It is key to help your partner see how you will avoid hurting him or her in the future. Identify what led to the behavior and ways you could have avoided the situation. For instance, if your behavior was influenced by a certain person, commit to avoiding being alone with him or her. This may involve making sure you have your partner or another friend accompany you to events the person is likely to attend and leaving if you find yourself alone with the person.
    • Communicating and resolving your issues with your partner should always be included in the plan.
  3. Be sincere. Express genuine regret and remorse for betraying your partner. Your partner is more likely to trust you if he or she believes you will act to avoid future unpleasant emotions as a result of your behavior.[7]
    • Avoid making promises you can't or don't intend to keep. Failure to follow through on promises may make earlier apologies seem insincere.

Proving Yourself

  1. Communicate clearly with your partner. Poor communication likely contributed to the betrayal; one or both of you was not being open and honest. To ensure this is remedied, identify barriers to effective communication and ways to overcome them. This will show your partner you are committed to avoiding future betrayal.[8]
    • If you or your partner is uncomfortable discussing emotions, agree to write letters to each other about emotional subjects.
    • If you and your partner do not communicate frequently enough, schedule weekly dates to discuss your relationship.
    • If you are struggling to identify why you and your partner are not communicating effectively, consider enlisting the help of a couples counselor. A counselor will be able to help you identify and solve communication problems.
  2. Ask your partner what he or she needs. You may be at a loss as to how to earn your partner's trust again. Ask your partner what you can do to help them move toward trust. This may mean communicating more regularly, spending more time together, going to counseling, being patient, or something else. Ask your partner to guide your behavior in order to build trust.
  3. Call and/or text regularly. Contact throughout the day will demonstrate you are thinking about your partner. This will help ease concerns that you are acting without regard for him or her. Your partner is more likely to trust you if he or she feels connected to you.[9]
    • A good way to maintain contact without being needy is to text funny photos or brief descriptions of funny interactions you have with others.
  4. Plan activities to spend time together, without focusing on the betrayal. Once you have apologized and made a plan to behave differently, try not to dwell on the hurtful event(s). Refocus attention on the present by engaging in fun activities together.[9] If you are spending more time with your partner, he or she will worry less about what you are doing when you are apart.
    • Find a hobby you and your partner can enjoy together. This will increase the amount of time you spend together and can strengthen your bond.
  5. Express gratitude for your partner. Show him or her how much you appreciate him or her and how important the relationship is to you. When your partner feels valued, he or she will feel secure in the relationship.[10]
    • Try leaving notes of appreciation in places you know he or she will see them.
    • If you demonstrate appreciation with gifts, be careful your partner doesn't feel like you are trying to buy your way out of trouble.
    • Help out around the house to show him or her you notice and appreciate how much he or she does.
  6. Accept that it will take time. Be patient with your partner while he or she learns to trust you again. This is out of your hands, and trying to speed the process along may cause your partner to feel you are not respecting his or her feelings.[11]
    • Instead of focusing on something you have no control over (time), focus on the things you can control, such as being reliable and consistent.[11]
    • Show your partner you have made long-term changes; don't just do things for the short term and then fall back into old habits.[11]

Warnings

  • Avoid blaming your partner for your behavior. This will further damage the relationship.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ http://respectyourself.org.uk/take-responsibility-for-your-own-actions/
  2. ↑ http://helpguide.org/articles/relationships/effective-communication.htm
  3. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm
  4. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/become-a-better-listener-active-listening/
  5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pieces-mind/201204/understanding-validation-way-communicate-acceptance
  6. ↑ http://www.livinginwellbeing.org/2013/12/conscious-and-unconscious-motivation/
  7. ↑ http://www.pon.harvard.edu/daily/conflict-resolution/the-importance-of-sincerity/
  8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201305/how-express-feelings-and-how-not
  9. ↑ 9.0 9.1 http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/relationship-help.htm
  10. ↑ http://healthservices.uindy.edu/counseling/coRelation.php
  11. ↑ 11.0 11.1 11.2 http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/10/07/how-to-get-your-partner-to-trust-you-again/
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