Express True Feelings when Shy

Many people associate shyness with people who are introverted; however, extroverted people can experience shyness, as well.[1] Feeling shy makes expressing feelings a huge obstacle for many people, no matter the situation. Fear of rejection and humiliation hold back many people who experience shyness from expressing their true feelings. Fortunately, there are methods to overcome shy feelings and express yourself.

Steps

Expressing Your Feelings to a Crush

  1. Get to know your crush. People often develop crushes based on perceptions, but they sometimes do not actually know their crushes very well. However, it is important to get to know your crush first to determine if you truly want to attempt a relationship with that person.
    • Ask mutual friends to introduce you.
    • Strike up conversation with him in social group settings, where other people are around.
    • Find things that you have in common with him, like hobbies or interests.
  2. Restrict your interactions with your crush to group settings. While you get to know him, it is important to have other people around as a buffer.
    • If you are suddenly overcome with shyness, there are other people around to bring into the conversation so that the pressure is off of you.
    • Being in a group setting gives you a way to distance yourself if you realize that your crush is not the type of person you want to date, after all.
  3. Be a friend first. Before trying to figure out how to express your feelings to your crush, learn how to be his/her friend first. Take information you learn about him as you get to know each other and build your friendship around those commonalities.
    • Accept offers to hang out with your crush or go to a party or event where he will be, whenever possible. If it is challenging for you to put yourself in social situations, then accept one offer and attend. Stay for as long as you comfortably can, without causing yourself too much stress and social anxiety. Practice this again, maybe once every few weeks, to help yourself become more comfortable.[2]
    • Share stories with him when you come across something that reminded you of him. For example, you could say, “I saw that your favorite band is going on tour soon. Are you going to try to go to a concert?”
    • Keep interactions casual. Be friendly and as outgoing as you feel comfortable, but remember that creating small talk, even when you feel shy, gives off the impression that you are friendly and approachable. One tip is to prepare a mental list of recent events or experiences you have had that you feel comfortable discussing, like a book you read or a restaurant where you ate.[3]
  4. Think about how you want to tell your crush about your feelings. Each person is unique, and you might feel more comfortable expressing your feelings in one way than in another. Take time to think about how you want to do so.
    • Tell him in person, which allows you overcome your fear of expressing yourself in person and being vulnerable and also gives you the opportunity to see his reaction. This is the most authoritative method, because he will know that you are serious.
    • Express your feelings in a letter or note, which might feel more comfortable for you than telling him in person because you can think through what you want to say and save yourself some embarrassment of others overhearing.
    • Bring it up in a phone conversation, which allows you to talk the idea through without the pressure of being there in person. This way, no facial expressions or reactions or seen, and it stifles a bit of the awkwardness.
    • Explain your feelings in an email, which is a very similar option to writing in that it allows you to think out what you want to say and put yourself out there without anyone else knowing.
    • Let him know in a text message, but keep in mind that this will limit how much you can type in one text message (unless you both use iMessage on iPhones). You have the opportunity to plan out what to say and can avoid the pressure of a face-to-face conversation. This is also much more casual, but it runs the risk of him not taking you seriously.
  5. Rehearse what you want to say. Once you have pinpointed the way in which you want to express your feelings to your crush, you need to decide what you want to say and practice it. Even if you are writing a letter, an email, or a text message, you want to express your feelings in the way that feels most comfortable for you. Practice speaking what you want to say to yourself in the mirror, or have a trusted friend or family member pretend to be your crush. You should practice often so that you become comfortable saying the words. Or, if you are writing, emailing, or text messaging, you can rehearse by writing drafts of what you want to say until you feel you have found exactly the right words to express yourself.
    • “I've really enjoyed being your friend, and it's time for me to admit that I have stronger feelings for you than just friendship.”
    • “I'm so happy that we're friends; you've been a really great friend to me. However, I have to admit that I have feelings for you as more than a friend.”
    • “You might have figured this out already, but I like you. I've had these feelings for a while.”
    • “We have so much in common! I'd really like to take our friendship to the next level.”
  6. Decide when you are going to tell your crush your feelings. Giving yourself a deadline will help you stick to it. On that day, be prepared to have the conversation, mail the letter, send the text message, or whatever you planned to do in Step 4 to tell your crush about your feelings.
    • Mark it on your calendar or in your agenda so that you have a visual reminder. You could “camouflage” it by titling it something simple, like “talk,” “email,” or your crush's initials so that someone else seeing it will not know what it is about.
    • You could also ask a trusted friend or family member to help keep you accountable by encouraging you to do it if you start to have second thoughts. Ask that person to encourage you to follow through and give you the tools you need to do it, such as getting you to the right place at the right time, putting the computer in front of you, or pulling up a new text message for you.
  7. Use body language to let your crush know how you feel. As you prepare to let your crush know your true feelings for him, use body language to hint at it when you spend time with him. Using body language allows you to communicate your feelings in a way that does not require verbal communication. Become more comfortable using body language by practicing on a trusted friend or family member when you talk with them.
    • Lean in to talk to him.
    • Keep your body open and facing him when communicating (e.g. do not fold your arms across your chest).
    • Gently touch him on the hand, arm, or shoulder while chatting, but keep it brief.
    • Pay attention to whether he returns similar body language.
  8. Share your feelings with your crush. When the day arrives that you decided you would tell your crush how you feel, be sure to follow through with it. Be sure to have practiced frequently leading up to the conversation, and do not be afraid to have some sort of “crutch” to help you through it, such as tapping your fingers on your leg or clasping your hands together. Especially if you are talking in person, having some kind of movement like this will help to calm your nerves a little bit.
    • If you are going to tell your crush in person, find a place where you can do so in semi-privacy. Think of a place where others will be nearby, if you need to leave or need a distraction, but where they will not be able to overhear your conversation.
    • Send your letter, email, or text message, if one of those was the option you chose.
    • Make eye contact, if talking in person, and say what you want to say.[4] It does not have to be a long, elaborate conversation. Since it is more challenging for you to express your feelings, doing so efficiently is best.
    • Be yourself while telling your crush. Use language that you normally use, and put your personality into it. Being who you really are will help to calm your shyness and boost confidence.[5]
  9. Be prepared with an appropriate response if your crush rejects you. In the event that your crush does not share your feelings, you need to have something appropriate to say to end the conversation and let him know that you will not hold a grudge. It is important to recognize that perhaps the rejection has nothing to do with you and that being rejected is an essential experience to have in order to overcome shyness and social anxiety.[6]
    • “That's okay. I feel better now that I've told you, and I hope that we can continue to be friends.”
    • “I understand, and I really value your friendship. Can we still be friends?”
    • “That's okay. I'm glad we could have this talk, but I need to get going. I'll talk to you later.”
    • “I understand. Thanks for talking with me. My friend is waiting for me, so I'll catch up with you later.”

Overcoming Shyness in Any Interaction

  1. Find your voice.[7] Before you can really start to overcome shyness in social interactions, it is important to find your voice as a unique individual.
    • Identify things that you are passionate about or that make you unique.
    • Write in a diary or journal to express yourself, and make observations of trends found in what you write about it.
    • Express yourself creatively. Write stories, poems, or songs, create paintings or drawings, take photographs, or play musical instruments.
  2. Identify what causes your fear or anxiety. Although shyness is a personality trait, there is something that triggers it. Take time to identify what it is that causes you to feel shy.[8]
    • Is it a fear of rejection?
    • Are you afraid to offend someone?
    • Is it scary to ask for something that is for your benefit, like a raise?
    • Is it a fear of humiliation?
    • Are you afraid of being criticized?
    • Is it a particular person who causes you to feel shy? Why?
  3. Conceptualize the worst-case scenario. In any social situation that you envision that causes you anxiety, think about what the worst-case scenario will be.
    • What will you do if that worst-case scenario happens?
    • How will you overcome that fear?
    • How can you avoid the worst-case scenario?
    • Who is really at fault in the worst-case scenario?
  4. Practice communicating and expressing your feelings. It is not uncommon for people to practice what they will say or how they will behave in a social setting. This helps to build confidence.
    • Ask a family member or close friend to practice with you.
    • Practice by yourself in the mirror, so that you can see your facial expressions.
    • Write out what you want to say, like a script, and rehearse it.
    • Watch movies or read books to study how characters overcome similar social anxiety.
  5. Develop a breathing exercise when you start to feel overcome with shyness. Prepare yourself to handle anxiety or shyness by practicing a breathing exercise. It will help to calm you and re-focus you on the task at hand, which is expressing your true feelings.
    • Calming Technique: Inhale for a count of four through your nose. Next, hold the breath for two. Lastly, exhale the breath for a count of six through your mouth.[9]
    • Equal Breathing: Inhale for a count of four, and then exhale for a count of four. Both your inhalation and exhalation should be through the nose. Repeat as necessary to calm down.[10]
    • Simply focus on making your exhales longer than your inhales. This is a simple trick to help you relax without any specific counting patterns while breathing.[11]
  6. Interact socially in group settings. If it is hard for you to express yourself socially, becoming involved in group interactions will be helpful.
    • There are more people involved to carry on conversation if you freeze up.
    • You have the opportunity to talk to several different people and practice expressing your feelings to them.
    • Find ways to express yourself that feel comfortable. If talking about yourself is uncomfortable, then talk about something in which you have an interest, like music. You are still letting your conversation partner(s) get to know you without directly talking about yourself.
  7. Say what you are feeling. As you practice and become more comfortable, get into the habit of saying what you truly feel. This will help you to build your confidence and gain respect, and it will become a learned behavior for you, helping you to overcome your shyness.[12]
    • If a friend or acquaintance says something that offends you, let them know in a respectful way. Your former shy self might not want to do that, but he needs to know if a line was crossed. Focus on using “I” statements so that he understands your feelings: “I felt hurt when you said that people from that town aren't very smart because I grew up near there.”[13]
    • Set goals for speaking up in particular situations. If you always find yourself remaining quiet and shy in the same types of situations, like when roles are decided for a group project, set a goal to speak up for yourself next time.[12] You could say, “I'm really good at drawing. I'd like to take on the illustrations,” for example. Then, continue to practice those goals.
    • Simply continue to practice speaking your mind. Start with small things, like giving an opinion on where to hang out or what movie to see. Over time, as you become more comfortable sharing your thoughts, take on more challenging obstacles, like letting a friend know when she has hurt your feelings. The most important thing is to practice doing this over and over.[2]

Tips

  • Only push yourself as far as you are comfortable. If you are really uncomfortable in an interaction, or if you feel really uncomfortable about an impending interaction, it is okay to not force yourself to do it. Doing so could cause unnecessary stress and upset.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/happiness-in-world/201106/how-overcome-shyness
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 http://www.succeedsocially.com/shyness
  3. ↑ http://www.ou.edu/class/bc2813/ConversationTips/MasteringSmallTalk.htm
  4. ↑ http://www.realsimple.com/health/mind-mood/how-overcome-shyness/page2
  5. ↑ http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/emotions/shyness.html#
  6. ↑ http://www.succeedsocially.com/handlingrejection
  7. ↑ http://www.healyourlife.com/5-ways-to-strengthen-your-voice
  8. ↑ http://tinybuddha.com/blog/4-steps-to-address-how-you-really-feel/
  9. ↑ http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/docs/SHY-02-Calming%20Technique.pdf
  10. ↑ http://greatist.com/happiness/breathing-exercises-relax
  11. ↑ http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/how-to-stop-being-shy/
  12. ↑ 12.0 12.1 https://hbr.org/2012/08/how-to-be-assertive-without-lo/
  13. ↑ http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/docs/Assertmodule%202.pdf
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