Fix a Relationship After One Partner Has Cheated

Have you been betrayed by your partner? To be satisfied in your relationship, both people have to trust one another.[1] Trust develops between people are dependable and consistent over a long period of time.[1] If this trust is broken, both members of the partnership have to want to repair it, and work to repair it. If you both agree to work on your relationship after a betrayal, it is possible you will end up with a stronger, more fulfilling relationship than before.

Steps

Acknowledging the Infidelity

  1. Decide how you feel. To fix a relationship, you must be motivated to fix it. Ask yourself if you actually want to save the relationship, or end it. Below are some questions to guide your thought process:
    • Is this the first time my partner has betrayed my trust?
    • Is this relationship important enough to fight for?
    • Do I want to stay in this relationship even if some things change and it doesn’t go back to exactly the way it was?
  2. Decide others' opinion's significance. You may have to consider that other people in your life know about the infidelity: children, family members, coworkers, or friends. You get to decide how their opinions are to your personal relationship. Know that it may be harder to move on from the infidelity based on how it was discovered.[2]
    • This will help you decide how to move forward, or what aspects of your relationship are important to you in the future.[3]
    • If you have children, it may be very important to them if one of their parents is an adulterer. Think about what values you want to teach your children.
    • You can tell others that your personal life is none of their business, or is private.
    • It might feel like everyone but you knew, yet that might not necessarily be the case.
  3. Express your feelings. Tell your partner exactly what it was that hurt you and what you need him or her to do if you are to ever trust that person again. Your partner must know why you want to trust her and why she needs to be trustworthy.
    • Tell your partner that your feelings are legitimate and important even if the other person does not think you should feel hurt or sad.
    • It is important to express your feelings with words instead of with your body. You may use hugs, tears, kisses, or other calm forms of interaction; never use punches, hits, slaps, or general violence.
    • This is not an opportunity to hurt the other person. If you feel the desire to hurt the other person, say so but don’t actually try to do it.
  4. Listen to his or her feelings. Let your partner tell you what he was lacking in the relationship, and whether he thinks it is worth fixing. If your partner does not want to continue a relationship, you should talk about breaking up.
    • Remember that this conversation is about how each of you feel, not about what is fact or argument.
    • Listen to your partner’s needs in the relationship. Can you give her what she needs? It is possible that the infidelity was the result of someone feeling neglected, yet uncomfortable with saying so.
    • Your partner’s feelings are legitimate and important even if you do not “agree” with what she feels. If your partner’s feelings are not legitimate and important to you, then you might want a conversation about ending the relationship.
  5. Take responsibility. Each of you must take responsibility for your past actions, both good and bad. You cannot fix something if no one takes ownership and accountability for fixing it. Responsibility is key in being able to improve your actions moving forward.
    • Acknowledge that you can have a certain effect without intending to, or being aware of that certain effect.
    • There is a phrase, “It takes two to tango.” If it seems like your partner is completely at fault for something, look for other factors or reasons beyond your one partner. Rarely is one person truly to blame completely for a relationship issue.

Deciding to Move Forward

  1. Imagine a secure relationship. What would it take for you both to be happy and trusting of one another? What steps and actions can you each take to get there? Answering these questions will help you decide how each of you should act moving forward. Write down 5 important things that you think should happen so that you have a secure relationship.
  2. Consider an expert. If your relationship woes seem to be impossible, yet you want to solve them, you are not alone. Especially if an outside factor is complicating your betrayal, it can be helpful to seek professional advice or guidance on how to improve your relationship. Experts include marriage counselors, therapists, family psychologists, sex therapists, or certain community leaders like priests.
    • Examples of relationship-related issues: repeated infidelity, sex addiction, sexual fetishes, sexual abuse, family relationships
    • Examples of other issues that can affect your relationship: substance abuse or addiction, financial problems, legal problems, health issues
  3. Break off contact with the “other.” Tell your partner he or she must not see the other woman/man and he or she must break all contact with the other person. Some couples find this imperative to do; in a few cases, it is not necessary to break all contact. It depends on what you find helpful and your particular situation.
  4. Create concrete steps. Agree on what you literally expect from yourselves and your partner moving forward. Consider starting from the very foundation of your relationship and discussing every aspect, so that nothing is left assumed. On the other hand, consider thinking about what you find the most frustrating and start taking measures to address those first.
    • Examples of concrete steps: giving you access to his phone, or calling and checking in at night.
    • You might each be taking different steps but towards the same goal. Or, you might help one another take steps and do each together.
    • It may help to write these down, similar to rules in a classroom, and sign your names at the bottom like a contract.
  5. Create an atmosphere of accountability. Your partner can be held accountable for his behavior by accounting for how he spends his time, and being transparent and willingly offer information before being asked.[4] Your partner should make a promise to do better, but know that a promise or apology alone with only restore trust short-term.[5]
    • Set up ways to be held accountable for the future actions. For example, if your partner does not give you access to his or her phone one night, you have a set-up protocol or discussion to handle it already.
    • This contingency planning of sorts allows for the “concrete” steps to have some flexibility. You can show that you are trying even if you sometimes break a rule or fail to take a step.
    • Ultimately, you and your partner should each be accountable for communicating and being trusting of one another. Have a way to talk about if you think one person is not being held accountable.
    • A promise to do better works in the short-term, but must be kept in the long-term in order to have value.

Building Up to Forgiveness

  1. Express your feelings, more. Infidelity is often correlated with emotional distance between you and your partner, and one way to avoid the urge to cheat in the first place is to remain emotionally close[6]. Is it possible that you and your partner had difficulty sharing emotions in the past?
    • In the future, learning to share your feelings effectively may open up the possibility of sharing with your partner your desire to cheat, before cheating.
    • Consider talking openly with your partner in the future about your experiences and perspective on commitment.[7]
    • To avoid making someone else feel attacked or hurt, start your sentences with “I feel that…” This makes it clear that you feel a certain way, and are not arguing or stating something as a fact.
  2. Look past anger. Give yourself permission to move on. Remember that you might feel sad or angry now, but you won’t feel this way forever. Don’t bottle your anger up inside, but address it. Work on letting go of the pain, while remembering the lessons you’ve learned.[4]
    • If you are angry at your partner, but your partner does not know why, you should tell your partner.
    • Resist the urge to throw the betrayal in your partner’s face during arguments. It will hurt your trust for one another and keep you both from moving past the betrayal.
  3. Exercise trust. To move forward in your relationship, you must have a nugget of trust between the two of you. Don't look for clues or evidence she is cheating again. Being able to forgive your partner and move past this hurdle will strengthen your relationship in the long run.[8]
    • Trust your partner to uphold his end of whatever rules, boundaries, or effort you decided to put into effect. If you said so, trust him to bring up any issues he has.
    • It may seem scary to trust someone to do exactly what he failed to do last time, but there is no alternative that leads to trusting relationships again.
    • Trust yourself. If you do not feel comfortable, figure out why. If you feel like you cannot trust the other person, address it instead of ignoring how you feel.
  4. Empathize with your partner. Part of forgiveness is seeing your significant other as a whole person again, and in a positive light, rather than thinking of her just as someone who acted in a way that hurt you.[4] You want to see your partner as vulnerable and capable of being hurt, instead of thinking of him as malicious.[4]
    • Exercises like role reversal and role play can help you empathize with the other.[4]
    • Try thinking about the what it’s like to “be in her shoes,” or try speaking to each other as the other person.

Maintaining Your Relationship

  1. Ask what he or she wants. Betrayal does not at all mean you're unworthy, or that the betrayal was your fault. Yet, it is possible that someone betrayed you because she didn’t know how to ask for something she needed. Ask your significant other to tell you ways to make the relationship better. Be open to suggestions about how to improve and strengthen your relationship.
    • Start your sentences with “I feel that…” to avoid making someone else feel attacked or hurt. This makes it clear that you are experiencing something, and are not arguing or stating something as a fact.
    • “Mirror” what the other person said. Mirroring is when you repeat what you heard the other person say, to validate her perspective and ensure you are both on the same page.
  2. Be around friends and family. Surround yourself with people who love you and who will help you feel good about yourself. Getting social support from others in the maintenance of your relationship will help you move forward.[9]
    • Feel free to tell others that your private relationship is “none of their business.” People who care about you will respect your boundaries.
    • Get social support from those whom your significant other trusts and believes in. Sometimes, the people you seek support from can be part of the problem for your significant other.
  3. Consider an expert. If you have been trying to solve your relationship on your own and it’s not working, an expert is likely to have seen couples like you before. Especially if an outside factor is complicating your betrayal, it can be helpful to seek professional advice or guidance on how to improve your relationship. Experts include marriage counselors, therapists, family psychologists, sex therapists, or certain community leaders like priests.
    • Examples of relationship-related issues: repeated infidelity, sex addiction, sexual fetishes, sexual abuse, family relationships
    • Examples of other issues that can affect your relationship: substance abuse or addiction, financial problems, legal problems, health issues
  4. Act on love. Focus on showing your partner that you still love her, and accepting her acts of love as well. Be kind to each other, and treasure those acts of kindness.[9] If your partner tries to show affection, you should focus on accepting the affection as genuine.
    • Cook with each other, spend time outside, exchange physical touch, and give each other thoughtful compliments.
    • Do acts of kindness that show you know and care about the other person. For example, take him out to a restaurant you know he likes or see her family for the holidays.
  5. Go at your own pace. It can take months or even years to recover from a betrayal, and your relationship may never be what it once was. Accept where you life is now and that it might take a really long time to get to where you want to be. Your partner may even be going at a different pace than you are, which is why communication is so important.
    • Don’t compare yourself to other couples or relationships.
    • Use small metrics. Was today a good day? Did you go through the entire dinner meal without thinking about infidelity?
    • There is no such thing as shortcuts in relationship-building. Take as much time and effort as you need to get your relationship to where you both want it to be.


Tips

  • You deserve to be happy.
  • You have to love yourself, before you can love someone else.
  • You can't make someone love you, so give her or him time and space and love but also love yourself.
  • The greatest indicator of success in therapy is if the patient and therapist are on the same page about getting better.

Warnings

  • Make sure she wants to leave the other person.
  • If he is showing signs he is cheating again, talk about it up front. Discuss if this relationship should keep going.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 Simpson, J. A. (2007). Psychological foundations of trust. Current directions in psychological science, 16(5), 264-268.
  2. ↑ Afifi, W. A., Falato, W. L., & Weiner, J. L. (2001). Identity concerns following a severe relational transgression: The role of discovery method for the relational outcomes of infidelity. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 18(2), 291-308.
  3. ↑ Afifi, W. A., Falato, W. L., & Weiner, J. L. (2001). Identity concerns following a severe relational transgression: The role of discovery method for the relational outcomes of infidelity. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 18(2), 291-308.
  4. ↑ 4.0 4.1 4.2 4.3 4.4 Bird, M. H., Butler, M. H., & Fife, S. T. (2007). The process of couple healing following infidelity: A qualitative study. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 6(4), 1-25.
  5. ↑ Schweitzer, M. E., Hershey, J. C., & Bradlow, E. T. (2006). Promises and lies: Restoring violated trust. Organizational behavior and human decision processes, 101(1), 1-19.
  6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/suffer-the-children/201309/after-the-infidelity-can-counseling-help
  7. ↑ Nelson, J. A., Li, C. S., Eckstein, D. G., Ane, P., & Mullener, W. (2008). Antidotes for Infidelity and Prescriptions for Long Lasting Relationships: Four Couples' Activities. The Family Journal, 16(4), 375-378.
  8. ↑ Afifi, W. A., Falato, W. L., & Weiner, J. L. (2001). Identity concerns following a severe relational transgression: The role of discovery method for the relational outcomes of infidelity. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 18(2), 291-308.
  9. ↑ 9.0 9.1 Abrahamson, I., Hussain, R., Khan, A., & Schofield, M. J. (2011). What Helps Couples Rebuild Their Relationship After Infidelity?. Journal of Family Issues, 0192513X11424257.
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