Win Back the Love of Your Life After Cheating

Cheating is hard on a relationship. It can devastate your partner emotionally and break any trust that may have existed between the two of you. In many cases, acts of infidelity are enough to end a relationship. If you’ve cheated on a person you claim to love, you have a long way to go if you want any hope of saving your relationship. There is no guarantee that you will be able to save your relationship after infidelity. If you truly love your partner, though, and want to make things work again, it will take time and a great deal of effort and sacrifice to show your regret and your commitment to building a better relationship moving forward.

Steps

Admitting Your Mistake

  1. End the affair. If you are truly committed to getting your significant other back, the first thing you need to do is end any relationship and cut off all contact with the other person. Let them know that you are not interested in any further communication with them, and remove them from your phone, email, social media, and anywhere else you may have their contact information.[1]
    • It can help to rebuild trust in your relationship if you involve your significant other in this step. You can remove the other person from your contacts in front of your significant other, and allow your significant other to read and/or hear your ending dialogue with the other person.
    • If you are not ready to completely remove this person from your life, you will likely be sacrificing your relationship with your partner. Do not expect to be able to maintain any relationship, even non-romantic one, with this person moving forward.
  2. Have an honest discussion. If you’ve cheated on someone, you have completely betrayed their trust. Prove that you want to earn it back by admitting your mistake to them openly and honestly. Be honest about why you cheated, and allow time for your partner to ask questions or simply to process the information.[2]
    • Think carefully about what you will say before you begin the conversation with your partner. You should have a clear idea of what you've done, what you feel sorry for, and how you want to tell them before you start a dialogue.
    • Your partner will likely be very upset at this news. Allow them time to process in whatever way is most helpful to them. This may include giving them days or weeks to think about what you’ve said.
    • Let your partner know that you want an honest conversation about the matter. Tell them, “I will answer any questions you have whenever they come up.”
    • Your significant other may have very personal questions about the nature of your relationship with the other person. It will be important to answer their questions honestly regardless of how ashamed, frustrated, or embarrassed that you are.
  3. Make a sincere apology. Admit your fault for your actions. Your partner does not hold agency over you, and nothing they did made you cheat. Let them know that you understand this is your fault.
    • Tell your partner, "I know I have hurt you immeasurably, and I will do whatever it takes to rebuild our relationship. I am truly sorry, and I want to talk about how we can move forward."
    • Do not make an insincere apology. Apologize only for what you mean and what you feel you've done wrong. Your partner will be able to sense any insincerity, so the apology needs to come from your heart, not from your sense of guilt.
  4. Ask for forgiveness. Forgiveness won’t be fast or easy. If it comes at all, it will likely take a long time; however, if you are looking to win your partner back it’s important that they know early on that you want forgiveness and are willing to work for it.
    • Let your partner know, “I don’t expect you to forgive me right away. I know I have to earn that. But I am committed to doing whatever it takes to earn back your love and trust."
    • Allow your partner to tell you what they feel, as well as what they expect and need from you before they feel they can reasonably forgive you. Ask your partner about their feelings, and actively listen to their responses.
    • Your partner may initially feel shocked or be in disbelief. Allow them time to adjust to what you have told them, and let them know that you ready to talk about the matter whenever they are.
  5. Allow for space. Your partner may want space away from you after your confession. Show your love and respect by letting them have it. This does not mean that they will want you gone for good, but it is important to allow them the time and space to heal, and respect that part of the healing process means getting distance from you.[3]
    • If your live-in partner indicates they want distance, arrange to stay with a friend or family member or at a hotel for awhile. If your partner prefers to be the one to leave, allow them to make that call. This is unknown territory for both of you, and they may prefer some distance.
    • Do not pressure your partner to come around or let you back in. Show your respect for them by allowing them the space they request.
    • If physical intimacy was a part of your relationship, expect that it will be slow to return. Do not pressure your partner into anything. Let them come to you only when they are ready.

Working Past Infidelity

  1. Start therapy. Couple’s counseling can be incredibly helpful after a partner has been unfaithful. Find a counselor that specializes in helping couples cope with infidelity. You and your partner should meet with them regularly to work on healing your relationship and moving forward.[4]
    • Your partner should be involved in the decision to go to couple’s counseling. Let them know that you would like to seek professional help mending your relationship, and make them an equal and active partner in deciding which counselor is right for you.
    • Set up a therapy schedule that works for both of you. Since you are attending as a couple, you will need to find time once a week or once every other week where you can go in together. Be considerate of your partner’s schedule when you make appointments.
    • Let the counselor know directly that you are there to work past infidelity. Understand that recovery will take time, but let your therapist know you are looking for long-term solutions.
  2. Open lines of communication. Open and honest communication will be essential to helping rebuild trust between you and your partner. Stay in touch with your partner, and be honest about your feelings and your daily activities.[5]
    • If your partner lets you know that they want more communication about where you are and what you are doing, be understanding and work out a plan to check in with them.
    • Communicate honestly with your partner about your everyday thoughts and feelings. Allow yourself to be emotional and express struggle or regret if that is what you are feeling.
    • Equally as important, allow your partner the chance to communicate. Engage them in conversation, make an effort to not only listen but truly internalize and work to understand what they are saying. Actively listen by repeating back what you hear them say.
  3. Work past confrontation. You and your partner will likely fight as you try to move forward. It is important that you try to work past confrontation, though, rather than fighting to win. Try not to bring up old arguments or unrelated subjects, as this will likely only upset your partner further.[6]
    • Try to fight fair with your partner. Focus on the issue at hand and avoid bringing in other issues. Keep your calm, and discuss specific instances and your emotional responses, rather than making broad generalizations about your relationship.[7]
    • Come to a concrete resolution. Don’t assume that a fight is resolved simply because you or your partner starts to run out of energy. Even if the two of you aren’t on the same page, it is important to come to a real resolution that you both agree to so that you can move forward.

Trying to Regain Your Partner's Trust

  1. Accommodate your partner. In order to help rebuild trust, your partner may request certain things such as spending more time together or having you work to show them that you have changed. Be accommodating to your partner and put effort into any reasonable request they present.[8]
    • Getting defensive or private about your time or space may cause your partner to become suspicious. If there is a reason you cannot meet their request, be open about it and talk with them honestly.
    • Let your partner know, “I am completely willing to do this because I want to rebuild trust in this relationship. Would you be willing to share with me what you hope to gain from this so that I better understand the common goal we are working toward?”
    • Some individuals have even found it helpful to hire a personal detective to assure themselves that the cheating has completely stopped. Be aware that this is something your partner might want to do, and make sure it is something with which you are comfortable as well.
  2. Show change. You can make all the promises you want to your partner, but they will not mean much unless you also make an effort to show your partner that you are working toward change. This means not only being honest but keeping your commitments.[9]
    • Show your partner your dedication not just through grand gestures, but through daily, intentional efforts such as picking up the slack in areas your partner can’t manage on their own or by helping with things you didn’t help with before.
    • This may mean working harder to listen if your partner feels like you don’t pay attention, helping more around the house if your partner feels overwhelmed with other work, or making other contributions to your relationship to show your partner that you are committed and that you care.
    • It may help to establish a ritual that you and your partner do daily. For example, having a cup of decaf coffee together after dinner to discuss your day.
  3. Accept their answer. Your partner does not have to take you back, and there’s a good chance they won’t. Some 30% of divorces in the US are the result of infidelity, along with countless more separations between non-married couples. If your partner decides that they cannot be with you after you cheated, respect their choice and remove your painful influence from their life.[10]
    • Fighting for a partner who does not want to continue their relationship may cause them greater emotional stress and damage. Show your love by respecting their decision if they want to leave the relationship.
  4. Move on. Accept your partner's answer and don't live your life hoping they will change their mind. If your partner does not want to take you back after infidelity, that is their right. They owe you nothing. Move forward and work to learn from your mistake.
    • If you truly regret your mistake, resolve to not repeat it in future relationships. Use this as an opportunity to improve your romantic partnerships moving forward.
    • Cheating does not happen in a vacuum. Spend some time looking at what contributed to your infidelity, and assess whether these are issues you can work on yourself.
    • Seek counseling if you feel you need it. A counselor may be able to help you get closure from your relationship, and work with you to develop more productive relationship choices in the future.

Tips

  • Don't place blame, or try to justify your actions. Nothing but admitting fault, apologizing, and communicating about the problem will help the situation.
  • If they don't want to talk to you, leave them alone. Give them the space they need. If they really love you and you are the love of their life, they will contact you eventually.

Warnings

  • There are a number of online schemes posing as self-help quick-fixes to help you win your partner back fast and for good. There is no quick road to recovery, though. Honesty, hard work, and time are the only things that can rebuild your relationship.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/magnetic-partners/201202/winning-your-lover-back-after-breakup-most-difficult-ch
  2. ↑ http://www.theverge.com/2016/4/9/11397258/how-to-be-human-im-a-cheater
  3. ↑ http://www.prevention.com/sex/relationship-changes-after-cheating
  4. ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/surviving_betrayal
  5. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/04/14/9-steps-to-better-communication-today/
  6. ↑ http://www.shirleyglass.com/reflect_infidelity.htm”
  7. ↑ https://cmhc.utexas.edu/fightingfair.html#4
  8. ↑ http://www.besthealthmag.ca/best-you/relationships/how-to-fix-your-relationship-after-an-affair/
  9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/our-gender-ourselves/201211/after-the-affair-the-uncertain-road-healing
  10. ↑ http://www.austin-institute.org/research/divorce-in-america/
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