Get Guys to Communicate More Clearly
For many women, it does seem that guys often communicate through less than obvious ways, such as shrugging, grunting, giving one word answers or other potentially confusing communications. To help the guys in your life say things in a language that you'll actually understand, read on.
Contents
Steps
- Talk to him. Be direct. It's the best plan for really getting any man to change his communications approach, because chances are, he has no idea he's doing anything wrong. Many men don't tend to expend energy trying to understand subtle hints, so being direct and saying exactly what you need to say will eliminate the need for months of frustration without results. After all, nobody is a mind reader. Tell him that you think it's annoying and rude that he can't take the time to communicate clearly and it's hard for you to understand what he's saying sometimes. Explain to him that by being so direct with him, it means that you're really keen to make things clearer between you.
- Give them examples of what it means to both communicate well and to communicate badly. Making sure he understand what habits exactly are annoying and frustrating you is vital to change. Take note of some factual examples of things he has said that caused you to simply scratch your head––jot down these examples in a notebook if you can't remember them exactly in your head.
- Give him examples of times outside your private life where you think that communicating with greater clarity could benefit him, such as in work life or in any tough situation. Talk to him about how passive aggressiveness, subtle hints and other communication habits can cause trouble for him.
- Be open to hearing his side of the conversation. Maybe he has issues with your communication methods. You can't assume that you've got it down perfectly and often miscommunication is caused both ways. Either way, hearing what he has to say on the matter will help both of you and show him that this isn't just a case of bossiness.
- Show him what it's like from your point of view. If the guy is one who grunts a lot, treat him to a dose of grunting just when he's trying to have a meaningful conversation.
- Instead of talking back, go ahead and make the same grunting sounds he makes, until he's annoyed. Then tell him that what you go through every time you try to talk to him is very similar.
- If he's the kind of guy who shrugs a lot, next time he asks you an important question, just shrug.
- If he is always giving you one word answers, spring several one word answers on him during "a talk." For best results do these things during a time when he's trying to have an important conversation with you.
- Tell him what you wish he did. Once you've told him to stop certain things, he may be at a loss for what you'd like him to do instead. Help him out a little, in small steps and be prepared to remind him for a while until he can get it sorted by himself. If he asks you, just tell him. Don't be afraid to tell him exactly what he should say. Giving a guiding hand in the beginning will show him that you mean what you say, and shows that you care enough to make sure he follows through.
- Give him friendly reminders when he's not communicating clearly. Instead of giving up and letting out an exasperated sigh, take a deep breath the next time you can't understand him and let him know directly that he's not communicating clearly.
- Some guys may do better when you let them know they are communicating clearly or getting better/improving on that.... Let them know you appreciate this effort on their part. This is an effective tool if you are in place of feeling genuine/sincere. "I noticed and saw this...", if you feel it and notice... Look for the good parts and bring that to attention. You know your guy. Some do better with the "oh i notice this and like this moment" or "feels like we're going in right direction."
- Some guys will balk... And acting out their behavior back is something you may have to resort to, if/or after, praise and attention don't work.
- Find ways to cultivate good communication outside of your private talking. Leave him notes reminding him to speak clearly at his business meeting, remind him to communicate well when out to dinner with friends and encourage him to make choices like ordering food.
- Cultivate good communication skills in yourself. Ask him if there's anything about your communication that gets on his nerves. If so, the both of you can benefit from hearing each others' issues and can work together to overcome them.
- Don't play games. Don't try to get him to guess what he's supposed to do or say by using body language or giving him vague and unhelpful hints. When it comes to guys, the best way to do anything is always directly. By playing games with him, you can cause him to think that that's all you want. It can make you seem like the bad guy, when you're just trying to help. Don't let yourself become the one at fault––instead, be clear, kind and assertive. If you do play games with him he will get fed up and annoyed and the progress he will have been making will deteriorate.
- As previously mentioned, make sure that you're not speaking hypocritically. If he has issues with your communication habits, he may be resentful that you want him to change but aren't aware of his wanting you to change. You need to come to the table with making changes too.
- If you have a habit of playing games, understand that this in itself is a form of bad communication. If you're not willing to break that habit, why should he be willing to break his?
- Be patient. It may take a while for him to realize you really mean it, and then even longer for him to change. Stay calm and only help him if he asks for help. Just wait it out and eventually one day you'll realize he's communicating more clearly with you.
- Don't pester him about it. Once you've told him you wished he'd stop, he's probably going to try to do just that. If he does messes up occasionally, don't point it out and make a scene. Let it slide, it was a mistake and unlearning takes time.
- Remind him if he doesn't seem to be making any progress. Just kindly bring it up, but don't get angry or scare or threaten him.
- Don't expect perfection. He's not ever going to communicate perfectly, so don't expect him to. All you should be shooting for is improvement, not a complete turn around. Don't set yourself up for disappointment just because this guy is still shrugging on a rare occasion. Perhaps your own expectations are too strict but also, perhaps it is just that he will need some slack in how he communicates because that is just who he is.
- Continue to work towards perfect communication, but settle for better. Over time you can continue to cultivate good communication between the two of you, even after you're both happy with your current habits.
- In time, you will probably understand more about what he is communicating without having to get complete clarity but this requires attentiveness on your behalf and a willingness to let go of your own preconceptions at times.
Tips
- Avoid punishing him for telling you the unpleasant truth (as he sees it). For example, he may be shrugging his shoulders to avoid telling you that your concern (whatever it is) does not strike him as worthy of discussion. He may feel that the answer is obvious, or that it is a purely personal decision, or that he really has no feelings about the issue. This revelation may upset you, but he should not be punished because of how he feels about a subject. If you have strong feelings about a subject and he does not, then that is your issue to deal with as best you can.
- If he starts to get fed up with you, drop the subject for a while and bring it up in about two weeks or so.
- Going through this process may be hard, but it is worth it if both parties are willing to improve their communication skills.
Warnings
- This will take time. There is no way around it, so do not rush him unless you want to rush him away.
Related Articles
- Communicate Effectively
- Get Your Guy to Communicate With You
