Get Rid of an Unwanted Erection
Sometimes, life throws you a curveball. You're in a social situation, and before you know it, there's a rumbling in your loins. We've all been there before: It's awkward as all heck and the more you try, the worse it seems to get. Fret not, compatriot. An unwanted erection will bow to your will if you know the right techniques — a combination of mind and body control. Read on to learn how to become a sensei of the snake!
Contents
Steps
Hiding the Erection
- Reposition yourself. Whether you're sitting down or standing up, there's usually a chance to position yourself in such a way to hide what's going on down there.
- Standing up: Try not to face to the side of anyone. A bulge in the crotch region is a lot less noticeable if you're facing someone head on than it is from the side.
- Sitting down: Try casually crossing your legs. When men cross their legs, the pant material in the crotch region usually gets bunched up, offering cover to your mischievous main vain.
- Put your hands in your pockets. Putting your hands in your pockets is a perfectly natural gesture, making this very popular. Put both of your hands in your pockets so as not to arouse suspicion, and gently hold the erection close to your body, trying not to move so as to tame your member into timidity.
- Cover your crotch region with something. Maybe you have no pockets in your pants (although men should always have pockets in their pants), or it's impossible to reposition yourself. In this case, look for something to put over your crotch region to hide your excitement. Try covering yourself with:
- A book or a magazine. Pretend to lose yourself in an interesting article (just make sure you don't pick up Cosmo or you could blow your cover) and place the book or magazine over your lap.
- A table. If you're sitting down, casually move your seat up as close as possible to the table.
- A piece of clothing. If you've got a jacket or sweater, pretend to look for something in the jacket pocket, and then casually leave it in your lap.
- Do the tuck. Basically, tuck your erection under your belt, from inside your pockets, using your hands. Warning: Only the most experienced tuckers can do this maneuver while facing a group of people. It's much better to find an excuse to be alone, or turn away from the group, and quickly do the tuck while no one can see. Tuckers with longer penises should make sure their upper garments are both opaque and securely occluding the entire glans.
- Create a huge distraction. Again, this is only for the most experienced men, as creating a poor distraction could actually focus the attention on you, with potentially disastrous results.
- When the time is right, say something like: "Wow, look at that man who's juggling cute little puppies while riding on a unicycle in the distance!" and run away when everyone's turned their heads.
Taming the Erection
- Distract yourself. It's much easier said than done, but if you can find a way to distract yourself, you are halfway home. Get your mind focused on something important, irreverent, or just plain weird. The idea is that it's hard to actually think and have an erection at the same time. (Women have known this for centuries.)
- Think about something really important. If you're older, maybe there's bills to pay, or deadlines to worry about. If you're younger, try thinking about your parents; it's a guaranteed boner-buster.
- Think about something irreverent. Irreverent means not taking things seriously. Try picturing something really funny.
- Think about something weird. The weirder the better. Some people think of cobwebs, or clowns, or maybe even the irreconcilable vastness of the universe. It could do the trick.
- Take a walk. When you walk, your body is forced to pump blood to your limbs in order to get them moving. That's why taking a nice little stroll could relieve you of your unwanted erection. Try mumbling something to your peers about obscure economic policy and walk away into the distance. The girls will think you're really mysterious.
- Put something cold into your lap. Most people don't walk around with ice cubes or ice packs, so it could be tough to work this one. But cold objects will constrict the blood flow to your Johnson, making it a lot less excited.
- Find an excuse to go to the restroom. Or just go to the restroom without offering an excuse; that could be less weird. When you're at the restroom, wash cold water on your face or do jumping jacks if no one else is there. Think about someone you know who may or may not be the least good-looking person in town.
- Whatever you do, don't get it more excited. Don't rub it against your hand or another object, don't picture someone who is evenly mildly attractive, and don't fixate on your uncomfortable situation. Your discomfort will go away soon if you complete all these steps.
Tips
- When you dress, be sure to have your penis pointing upward as you put on your underwear. In this position, your penis can harden and lengthen, but will not bind or hurt so much as when it is in another position.
- Divert your thoughts by focusing on something else. Erections are caused by sexual arousal, so you should avoid thinking about anything sexually stimulating. Try doing a complicated math problem.
- Try putting your legs together. Usually that will help.
- The most efficient way is to either bite your tongue or any other subtle way to cause pain to yourself. The pain distracts you from focusing on the erection at hand.
- Bend forward and hold your knees. Pretend there's something going wrong in your stomach. It usually works very well in crowded places. Alternatively, you can bend down and pretend to tie your shoe laces. Keep acting with laces until your erection has diminished.
- Flex your muscles. While this one can be a bit noticeable, it works when done correctly. It pumps blood to the flexed muscles instead of your erection.
- Wear tight briefs rather than loose or baggy boxers.
- Wear loose or baggy boxers and clothing instead of tight clothing and briefs in order to reduce friction that can cause erections.
Warnings
- Know that there are times that it will be next to impossible to avoid having your erection viewed, as when you are reclining at a dental appointment with a dentist and/or assistant; standing before a coach while auditioning; or inspecting a house for sale with a realtor, for examples. Don't be concerned with it. Most adults know they happen and won't call attention to it. Most teens only make jokes because it has happened to them.
- If you have been noticed and the other person finds this situation offensive, a quick "sorry" with a pleading look is all the response that is warranted, as any further explanation may make things even worse and get you into deeper "hot water".
