Handle Resentment Against Someone

Have you developed resentment because someone hurt you badly? Are you resentful of someone who appears better off than you? Resentment is the process of mentally dwelling on a painful or upsetting situation to the point that it causes you anger or bitterness. Resentment can eat away at you and poison your heart against trusting others, feeling compassion, or being open to love in the future. Overcoming resentment means choosing to accept what has happened and forgive the other person, but also making changes within yourself so that these feelings do not negatively affect you.

Steps

Acknowledging Your Feelings

  1. Figure out the source and cause of your resentment. Pinpoint the actual feelings you are having and why you are having them. Try to understand yourself. When did these feelings of resentment start? Was there one event or several that caused you to feel this way? Is your resentment relating to one person, such as a partner, or to several people, like your parents or family?
    • Recognizing the root of your resentment will help direct you in how to overcome it. For example, if you feel resentful because someone close to you disappointed you or let you down, your solution may be to change your expectations about people. Obviously, you cannot change other people, so the resolution lies in changing yourself or learning to accept what has happened.
  2. Recognize your role in resentment. Sometimes, we are resentful of others because we are upset that we made ourselves vulnerable enough to get hurt. Deep down, we may feel confused or embarrassed that we did not somehow see this situation coming. We feel rage that we let our guards down and trusted someone who hurt us. In a sense, we get angry with ourselves for being human.[1]
    • As one quote vividly states, "resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die." You have the power to either move on from resentment or stay in this place of bitterness. Recognize your power and avoid putting all the blame on the other person.
  3. Question whether what you feel is jealousy or entitlement. Coveting or feeling that you should possess what another has, whether superficial or innate, can lead to bitter feelings. If you are resentful towards someone because they have something you wish you had, then it is unhelpful to take these feelings out on this person. You need to come to terms with what you feel is lacking in your life in order to overcome this form of resentment.[2][3]
    • An example of envy that leads to resentment is becoming angry at a coworker who received the promotion you were vying for. Perhaps you felt you were entitled to the promotion because you've been on the job longer.
    • Overcome envious resentment by being honest with yourself and taking action. Is it this person that is really making you angry or is it some aspect of yourself? If you truly feel your performance deserves a second look, you can actively speak with your supervisors about other positions that might become available. Or, if you think you have outgrown your current employer, you might try to find a suitable position elsewhere.
    • You are not envious of that person, but of some trait or ability that the person has. Sit down and do an honest evaluation of your feelings and channel that jealousy to improving yourself.[4]
  4. Feel what you feel. Anger and resentment are powerful feelings. Oftentimes, we can do more damage to ourselves by pretending these feelings are not there or trying to push them away. Resentment happens because we are running from our feelings about the situation, so we displace them by developing hatred or grudges for the offending person. We must accept our feelings in order to heal.
    • Anger often masks various other emotions that are harder to understand or show. People display anger because it is easier to appear angry than revealing that we feel rejected, disappointed, jealous, confused, or hurt.
    • Take a moment to yourself and not only think about what happened to you, but also really feel all the emotions that accompany this situation. Feel mad if you are mad. Acknowledge your pain or confusion. Do not push these feelings away. Only by truly feeling what you feel can you move on from here.
  5. Talk to a friend or trusted individual. Find somebody you can talk to and tell this person what happened that upset you so much. Talking over your feelings with another can help you to see the situation more objectively. Another individual may be able to see patterns in your behavior that were instrumental in what happened, and assist you in brainstorming a solution. It's always good to have people you can talk to.
  6. Write down what this person has done to upset you. Write down the situation or situations in as much detail as you can remember, leaving out nothing. When you have done that, write down the traits of this person that you resent. Don't just call them names just for the sake of insulting this person. Are they self-absorbed, rude, cruel, disrespectful? Think about what they have done and consider what category of disrespect this falls under.[5]
    • Next, write down how this person's behavior made you feel, taking note to not just use anger but look deeper to what's beneath the anger.
    • Finally, note in which ways this behavior and your feelings about it have affected your life. For example, if your partner cheated, you might feel angry, sad, and confused. Your partner's cheating has caused you to have trouble trusting or connecting with others for fear that they may hurt you, too.
  7. Tell the offending person how they have upset you. In some situations, when someone we love has hurt us, we have the desire to understand. True enough, gaining understanding as to why someone hurt you won't make the situation go away – and the person may not even know why they did it – but having a candid discussion about what happened is a step towards healing.[6]
    • Ask the person to meet up with you to talk. Using "I" statements, like, "I was hurt by ____," express your feelings about the situation. After you have done so, without being critical, ask if the person can try to explain the situation from their point of view.
    • Only confront the person after you have gained an objective perspective of the situation, meaning you have recognized your role and faced your feelings.
    • If you think you will continue having a relationship with this person, explain to the person how important it would be to you to receive and apology, or ask for specific reparations. For example, if your partner had an indiscretion, and you have decided to stay with this person, you should set boundaries and guidelines for what you expect of their future behavior.

Letting Go of Resentment

  1. Stop ruminating. Rumination refers to rethinking a situation over and over again, allowing it to remove you from the present moment and make you feel negatively. Rumination is at the foundation of resentment. Therefore, in order to let go of rumination, you must first learn to manage your thoughts. Three ways to overcome rumination include:[7][8]
    • Focus on the solution rather than the problem. This is a healthy and future-oriented way of dealing with resentment. Dwelling on what happened gets you nowhere. Making a plan to learn from the situation helps you to grow from it. Write down a few ways you can resolve this circumstance, such as increasing your stress management skills or reevaluating your expectations of others.
    • Look twice at your analysis of the situation. Sometimes, we hold resentments based on perceived faults. The other person may not even know they did anything wrong, or if they did, they never intended to hurt you. Try to look at your situation realistically. Are you expecting the other person to have read your mind?
    • Focus on your strengths. If another person has hurt you, you may be spending an enormous amount of time scrutinizing your flaws. Try to identify strengths you have that might pertain to the situation. For example, if one friend disappointed you, a strength may be that you have other friends with whom you still have a good relationship. One potential strength of yours might be choosing to forgive a person despite any wrongdoing.
  2. Write down redeeming qualities of the person who hurt you. This may be the last thing you want to do, but trying to acknowledge good characteristics about the person who hurt you is useful towards you moving on but also looking at the situation more objectively. Human beings make mistakes and no human is all bad. Everyone has good qualities worth highlighting; look for those in this person.
  3. Forgive. Wounds caused by those we care about can have a lasting impact. However, holding on to grudges prevents you from healing and growing. Choose to forgive the person who hurt you. Forgiving doesn't mean you have to continue to keep this person in your life. It also does not mean that you have to forget about what happened. Forgiveness just means you will choose to release this person from your anger, and you will release these negative feelings that you have been holding. Forgiveness makes you a better person.[9]
    • Forgiveness can take on many forms, but ultimately it means letting go of resentments. You might simply say aloud, after processing your feelings about the situation, that you are not going to hold a grudge. Say, "I forgive you." Tell the person face-to-face, if you will continue to have them in your life.
    • After having written down your account of what happened, tear the paper into pieces or toss it into your fireplace. Remove the power this person has over you by choosing to forgive them and move on.
    • Practice self-compassion. In addition to granting forgiveness to this other person, you must also strive to forgive yourself. Give yourself the same courtesy that you would extend to others. You are worthy of forgiveness, too.[10][11]
    • Make a verbal motion to forgive yourself and practice self-compassion. Stand in front of the mirror and say, "I love you," "I am only human," "I am a work in progress," or "I am enough."
  4. Seek spiritual understanding. If you are a spiritual person, attempt to find meaning in the situation you endured. Did this happen to you so that you can bear witness for others? Can your predicament be a source of inspiration or encouragement for someone else? Furthermore, depending on your beliefs, it may be damaging to your spiritual health to have bitterness towards another. Pray, meditate, or speak with a spiritual advisor about moving on from resentment.
  5. See a professional. If you are having trouble forgiving and moving on from resentments, you may need to seek the assistance of a mental health professional. Holding on to anger and grudges can affect your mental, physical, and emotional health. You may require treatment for anger management or cognitive behavioral techniques to help you overcome rumination.[12]

Warnings

  • Try your best not to plot revenge or aim to hurt someone else because you have been hurt. Remember that evil cannot conquer evil, only good can do that. Do not perseverate pain and suffering.

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Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-therapist-is-in/201103/10-steps-letting-go-resentment
  2. ↑ http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/envy/#1.4
  3. ↑ http://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control.aspx
  4. ↑ http://tinybuddha.com/blog/4-ways-to-use-jealousy-for-growth-and-personal-gain/
  5. ↑ http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/how-to-let-go-of-a-resentment.html
  6. ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/raising_happiness/post/how_to_deal_with_mean_people
  7. ↑ http://www.apa.org/monitor/nov05/cycle.aspx
  8. ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_self_compassion_beats_rumination
  9. ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692
  10. ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/gg_live/gg_podcast/podcast/kristin_neff_on_the_power_of_self_compassion/
  11. ↑ http://www.dallasnews.com/lifestyles/health-and-fitness/health/20150615-feel-better-about-yourself-understanding-the-power-of-self-compassion.ece
  12. ↑ http://www.srmhp.org/0302/anger.html

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