Help Someone Who Is Taking Grief‐Induced Risks

Grief is a very personal process--everyone reacts differently. Some people may experience complicated grief that drives them to avoid their feelings by engaging in risky behaviors. Risk-taking behavior is especially common in children and adolescents. If someone you care about is taking grief-induced risks, it can be difficult to know what to do. Help out your loved one by providing support and encouraging them to seek professional help.

Steps

Offering Your Support

1. Speak up about the behaviors you are seeing. Whether grief-induced risks are happening in your child, friend, or family member, you shouldn’t keep quiet about your concerns. Pull your loved one aside and call them out on their risk-taking behaviors. Gently tell them exactly what you have noticed about their behavior. Say this without judgment or harsh criticism.
   • You might say, “Joel, I’m worried about you. I know you’re having a hard time with your mother’s death, but I’ve noticed you’ve been drinking pretty heavily every night. I want you to know I’m here for you if you want to talk, or if you just want some company.”
2. Validate their emotions. Although you can’t take away your loved one’s suffering, you can help them release their pain with validation. This is simply the act of recognizing and accepting another’s emotional experience. Let your loved one know you see their pain.
   • Validation might sound like, “I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I’m sorry you’re hurting.” Or, “I know this must be tough for you. You two were really close.”
   • Validation might also include affirming gestures such as nodding or a gentle touch. You might ask first, like “Is it okay if I hug you?”
3. Encourage them to share their feelings. A grieving person often wants to feel heard and understood. Offer your friend a listening ear for them to express their grief in whatever way suits them. However, you shouldn’t pressure the person. Just let them know that you’re willing to listen, if they want to talk.
   • You might say, “I want you to know I love you. I’m here for you if you need to talk. Anytime.”
   • If they have trouble expressing themselves by talking, you might suggest drawing, painting, singing or writing as an outlet for grief.
4. Listen. If your loved one wants to discuss their loss, listen actively. It’s important to try and listen to understand rather than listening to respond. What you say back isn’t as important as just being there. Let the person tell their story or share memories. Follow these tips to be an active listener:
   • Turn towards them and lean forward.
   • Make occasional eye contact.
   • Listen without interrupting for as long as they need to talk.
   • Don’t judge. You might make appropriate facial expressions that mirror your loved one’s.
   • Ask clarifying questions once they are finished (e.g. “Are you saying…?”).
   • Paraphrase what you heard (e.g. “It sounds like…”).
5. Offer practical assistance. If your loved one is acting out due to grief, their typical obligations or workload may be too much for the time being. Find out how you might lighten their load.
   • For instance, if you're a parent, you might talk to the school about getting extensions on assignments or acquiring a tutor.
   • If you're a friend, you might offer to help with chores at home or form a study group before a major test.

Getting Them Help

1. Suggest that they see a therapist for complicated grief. If you are worried that your loved one’s grief isn’t getting any better, you might encourage them to seek professional help. A grief counselor or therapist has special training to deal with complicated grief.
   • You might say, “I know it can be hard to work through your feelings on your own. I think it would be a great idea if you saw a therapist. It would make me feel so much better to know that you’re talking to someone.”
   • Signs of complicated grief include getting caught up in “if only” scenarios regarding death, worry incessantly about the future, having angry outbursts, avoiding any reminders of the loss, and engaging in self-destructive behaviors.
2. Recommend a bereavement support group. Your loved one may feel like no one else can relate to their grief. It can help for them to attend support groups with others who are recovering from a loss. In these groups, they may share their experiences and listen to those of others.
   • You might ask a doctor or therapist for recommendations to a local grief support group. These might be sponsored by community mental health clinics or spiritual/religious organizations.
3. Call for help in a crisis. If your loved one is abusing drugs and alcohol in addition to their grief, they may make decisions that jeopardize their own safety or that of others. Plus, even without alcohol and drugs in the mix, complicated grief may involve depressive symptoms such as suicidal thoughts.
   • If you hear your loved one obsessing about their own death, giving treasured items away, or saying “goodbye” to friends and family, they may be at risk of suicide. Contact a local emergency department, their therapist, or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
4. Offer to accompany them to appointments. You can extend your support and ensure that your friend is sticking with treatment by offering to join them. This can be especially helpful if they need rides or other logistical assistance, such as help scheduling appointments or picking up medications.
   • You might say, "It's very important to me that you start feeling better. I'm happy to drive you to your therapy appointment."
5. Be mindful that the person may not want your help. Despite your best efforts a friend or family member may reject your recommendations to seek help. It’s very common, particularly for people experiencing complicated grief, to deny any offers of support or help. If this happens, just let your loved one know you are there, and continue to monitor them for any suicidal behaviors.
   • If the behavior continues, you might decide to coordinate an intervention with other family and friends. An intervention helps loved ones share their concerns and offers an ultimatum if the person refuses to get help.

Sources and Citations

See also

• Tell if Your Teen Is Cutting
• Stop Self Harming
• Stop Cutting Yourself
• Help Someone Who You Think Is Cutting Themselves
• Hide Self Harm Scars
• Cope with Self Injury
• Help Someone Who Self Injures
• Tell Someone You Self Harm