Help Someone Who You Think Is Cutting Themselves

Cutting is a form of self-harming that is done with no intent of suicide. People who resort to multiple episodes of cutting are usually those who fall in the category of people experiencing loneliness, emptiness in the heart, those having difficult or dysfunctional relationships. People who cut themselves may also have an inability to cope with stress, an inability to express feelings and emotions owing to inadequate communication skills, have had traumatic experiences, or may have undergone abuse of some kind, which can be sexual, physical, or emotional at some point of their lives. If you know someone who you think is cutting themselves, there are ways to help.

Steps

Connecting with Your Loved One

1. Make sure you are in a place to help. If you really want to help a loved one who cuts, it is important for you to be mentally and emotionally strong before you start. When you help someone who self-harms, you might have to listen to and witness very taxing and traumatizing events. You have to commit to doing it from the beginning. You cannot decide to pull out of it half way through. You could make it worse for them if you turn your back on them after they share their pain and experiences with you.
   • Be aware that helping others with self-harm may bring new feelings up for you as well. You might feel resentful towards the person, develop extreme sympathy for them, or become excessively frustrated. When you experience these feelings, remember to stay balanced and keep a check on your emotions so you can be a neutral, loving presence for them.
2. Approach your friend with ease and compassion. If you notice that your friend has cuts on their arms, if you notice a change in clothing where they are covering their skin even when it's hot outside, or if you have any other reason to think that your friend is cutting themselves, you should try to help. When you approach your friend, do so in an easy, gentle manner. Don't try to accuse them of keeping things from you, yell at them for their actions, or be combative in any way. They need your support and understanding as well as your help, so accusing them or being aggressive is not going to get you anywhere. Instead, approach them with compassion and understanding and let them know that you are there for them.
   • If they are not ready to acknowledge the problem yet, accept that they may need more time. Still keep an eye on them and be as supportive in other ways as possible, letting them know that you care and are there for them. They will come to you when they are ready to talk about it.
   • Never give your friend an ultimatum. Always be supportive and positive.
3. Acknowledge their emotions. Since most people who cut do so to release inner emotions, letting your friend know that you acknowledge and understand her emotions, or at least empathize with them, will help them. You need to connect with them on a personal level in order to help them, get through to them, and be part of their recovery process. Tell them you understand how overwhelming emotions can be and that you sometimes get overwhelmed too.
   • You can also use this time to talk about how you release your emotions without telling them how to change them. This will offer her a suggestion of positive ways to express emotions that don't involve cutting but that aren't treated as aggressive suggestions to change their life.
   • Although you want to show them that you empathize, you never want to join them in cutting yourself in order to let her know you know how they feel. This will only hurt you and reinforce their self-harm.
4. Be consistent. Do not bounce back and forth with your approach to their self-harm. Do not act as if you are suspicious of their intentions, emotions, and behavior. If you in any way feel you cannot trust them or what they say, don't let it show. Be there to support them and let them know you are there. Gaining their trust fully may take time. If you approach them with a helpful attitude some times and at other times displaying an I am not concerned attitude, you may do more harm than good.
5. Don't take charge. Do not go about helping your loved one or friend by acting as though you are in control of their life. Although you want to change their self-harming behavior, you do not need to take charge of everything or control your loved one. Don't be extremely strict or controlling. This could frighten them to such an extent that they could find you unapproachable.
   • It can also aggravate the cutting behavior, especially if they use cutting as a way to have more control over their life or body.
6. As much as you want to help your friend or loved one, you cannot make your friend recover or change the behavior. In order to truly overcome cutting, your friend must find a way to accomplish this themself.
7. Keep the connection open. You may not be able to reach your friend. If they are not yet in a place where they want to be helped, you can't force them to be ready. Make sure you leave the lines of communication open and let them know that you are there for them, but don't push them to listen to you if you have tried your best to talk to them. If you push too hard, you could push them away and then you won't be able to help them at all.
   • Try to keep a close eye on your friend in case their behavior escalates. In this case, you may need to suggest professional help to get their self-harm under control.

Helping Move Past Cutting

1. Encourage activity. Try to encourage your loved one to be as active as possible. When she feels disturbed or has the urge to cut herself, she needs to find a more positive, active outlet to let it out. Suggest doing rigorous exercise, such as running, dancing, aerobics, swimming, tennis, or kick boxing. These can provide an outlet for all of her sadness, aggression, or unhealthy emotion that leads to cutting. Offer to join your friend and exercise together.
   • To help calm the mind, she can also try yoga, meditation, or tai chi. These exercises can help her get a new lease on life, with a fresh, energetic, confident approach that will help her not want to cut herself.
   • Exercise also releases endorphins into her body, which are the chemicals in the body that makes her feel good. When a person cuts himself, endorphins rush to the area of the cut and are released into the blood stream, which cause feelings of relaxation, happiness, and relief. Exercise provides her with a positive way to release endorphins instead.
2. Help increase her self-esteem. Low self-esteem is one reason that drives a person to cut. You need to help her understand that cutting will not and cannot improve her self-image but accomplishments and achievements will. Help her prove to herself that she is amazing and full of accomplishments. This can be through her studies, work, friends, or volunteering. When she becomes aware of her accomplishments, her self-esteem will go up and she will feel better about herself. This should lead her to not want to cut herself.
   • You can help your friend realize she is full of accomplishments by sharing with her a list of her positive attributes and accomplishments.
3. Don't lecture. Pandering to her will not make her want to change her self-harming behavior. Do not try to drill the person with lectures and sermons that go on for a long time. Keep your talks small and simple. Let the person take in and digest whatever it is you told her. Give her the time to contemplate.
   • Have your small pep talks at a location that is pleasant, peaceful, in the midst of nature, away from hustle and bustle, and private, where the chances of being bothered are minimal. If you can't go somewhere in nature, try a quiet place in your apartment or house or a secluded study room at your local library. The exact location doesn't matter as long as it's a place where you can an honest, uninterrupted conversation.
   • Give her ample time to talk to you. Give her the time she needs and wants. Do not push her into speeding things up and always choose a place and time that she is comfortable with.
4. Be patient. Your loved one will not stop cutting overnight or because you tell her to. For her, this is the way she knows how to deal with her feelings. Telling her to stop the behavior immediately may terrify her because she might have got so used to this coping mechanism and feel lost in the absence of an alternative coping skill. This can also make it worse for her, since you are trying to take away her coping mechanism for her pain and trauma. Be patient and accept that it will take time. Don't get discouraged and take your time helping her.
   • Issuing ultimatums without assisting or supporting her in ways to find safe alternative is not a wise option and can cause more harm than good.
5. Suggest reading. People who cut themselves are apprehensive of socializing because they may face suspicious looks and unanswerable probing from others. In order to take her mind off cutting and avoid uncomfortable social situations, suggest she read more. Books open up new horizons. She can travel beyond the four walls of her room without really going out. She can also learn that there are innumerable ways various people have dealt with tough times and experiences.
   • Books also provide an opportunity to understand that there can be plenty of positive and acceptable coping strategies. Present her with books that are thought provoking, such as those that will help her look within herself and assess her personal predicament.
6. Consider a journal. A great way to help your loved one come to terms with her cutting is through journaling. Tell her to maintain a daily journal that she puts all of her thoughts, anguish, pain, and joy into. Writing can take away the pain and leave her light and relieved. Tell her to write about anything that comes to mind.
   • Don't advise her to write specifically about cutting unless she goes to a therapist or counselor. You never know what can of worms could open up, so suggesting your friend focus on a problematic behavior that could be compensating for that trauma is not a good idea unless she goes to a professional for help.
   • A journal can also help a psychologist, psychiatrist, or counselor learn about her condition before diagnosis and treatment.

Avoiding Another Episode

1. Remove triggering items. Chances of cutting are higher when she is at home where she can have access to her tools. This can be from multiple different objects, such as razors, knives, scissors, or glass bottles. Encourage her to remove these objects from her environment so she isn't tempted to cut herself.
   • Sit with her as she moves the objects out of her immediate area. If she isn't ready to throw them away yet, have her put them on a high shelf or in a room across the house. This will give her more time to think about what she is doing before she does it, which may make her not want to cut herself.
2. Pep up her spirits. Getting your friend's mind off of her troubles is a great way to help her not want to self-harm. With her consent, try to change her surroundings and environment to help her feel better. Go on a trip, change the arrangement and decor in her room, change the wall colors, or put some interesting, funny posters, or inspirational posters. You can also help her choose the changes she wants in her room and help her put those changes into effect. This can be a change in the way the room smells, looks, or feels.
   • Be part of the process from start to finish. Take her shopping for the new items in the room and don't leave her until the project is done. Help her enjoy the process of welcoming changes into her life.
3. Provide distractions. Fighting the urge to cut herself can be especially hard when she is at home alone with nothing else on her mind or if she is preoccupied with herself and the painful feelings. Tell her to call you or visit when she has the urge to cut herself. Try to involve yourself in activities along with her that will keep her mind off of it. Think about her likes, interests, and hobbies and try to do something that involves those things.
   • If she loves nature, go for a hike. If she loves to paint, encourage her to paint. She can do anything creative to help, such as write a story, play an instrument, or draw a picture. She can also watch a movie or TV show, listen to music, play a game, or anything else she loves to do.
   • If you surround her with activities and things she likes, she will be more likely to be distracted from her behavior and need to cut herself.
   • If she doesn't go out much, encourage her to meet new people, develop contacts, and nurture relationships. This can improve self-confidence, self-esteem, and help her build trust in people.

Encouraging Treatment

1. Suggest getting help. When you first learn that a friend or loved one is self-harming, see if she is ready to seek professional help from a psychiatrist, psychologist, or counselor. These professionals have special training to help people combat behaviors in their lives that are bringing harm. If your friend insists that she is not crazy, agree with her. Tell her that people see mental health professionals for many life issues, and many times for self-growth. If your friend is worried about the stigma of seeing a mental health professional, suggest she see someone who is not right in town. It is a valid and helpful service that can truly help her with her problem. Professionals are better equipped to help her understand why she harms herself and what she is trying to accomplish with the behavior.
   • The involvement of mental health professional is vital if you are serious about the recovery of your loved one. There is always a stigma associated with seeking help from a mental health professional, but it is essential to convince your loved one to seek treatment.
   • If she is not ready for that, offer to help her research self-harm and triggers. There is an abundance of information on the internet about many topics, and self-harm is no different. Make sure you find information and literature from credible sources, such as psychological foundations or helpline websites. Some content can be misleading and could work against helping your friend or loved one get better.
2. Encourage participation in a support group. A support group is the coming together of individuals who have the same issue, have similar concerns, face similar challenges, and undergo similar experiences. Although you act as a one person support group for a while, she may need companionship from someone who understand exactly what she is going through. After some time with you, she may gradually muster enough courage to meet with people like her in order to know their stories, their disappointments, how they succeeded in overcoming cutting, and learning how and why they failed.
   • She might be hesitant or unwilling to be a part of the support meant for people who cut themselves. To encourage her, you could accompany her to give her the strength and support she needs to make that final step.
3. Consider dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). Dialectical behavior therapy is one effective ways to treat a person who cuts herself. This is a modified version of cognitive behavioral therapy. In DBT, the therapist carries out a thorough analysis of the person resorting to the cutting behavior. Apart from working with the person seeking treatment, the psychiatrist also makes an effort to involve the family of the person, which will help them to understand and identify the situations and experiences that could have led to the behavior. The psychiatrist also tries to incorporate healthy and acceptable coping skills in the person.
4. Have an intervention. Interventions are carried out under the guidance of a professional interventionist. These are one of the most effective approaches to open up a discussion between the person cutting and the people considered to be important in her life. It can also be difficult because, at an intervention, the painful feelings and emotions associated with the cutting behavior are kept in the open for all the significant people in her life to see. While it help them to understand without having to worry about hurting each other, it can be difficult to hear.
   • The professional interventionist has a major role to play in getting rid of the cutting behavior in their loved one. Get a professional interventionist to arrange an intervention for the person cutting and her loved ones. You could also be one of the participants since you care about her as well.

Telling the Negative Consequences

1. Explain the scars. There are physical marks that remain from cutting. The marks and injuries which cutting can leave behind may make your loved one feel self conscious, which may cause her to stay away from socializing with friends and family out of fear and embarrassment. This can further deplete her self-esteem levels and make her more insecure, which can feed into the urge to cut them self again. Explain this to her and let her know she can stop and not have any or any additional scars.
2. Warn her about the health risks. There may come a time when superficial cutting will no longer comfort her, which can cause her to need to cut deeper and deeper with passing time. This can cause serious health problems, such as infections. The open wounds from cutting that remain exposed cause infections and other serious health issues.
   • Your loved one might end up cutting in the wrong place, which can cause serious blood loss or accidental death.
3. Watch out for anemia. Continuous episode of cutting can disrupt the functioning of vital body parts or organs. This is because the body loses blood during multiple episodes of cutting, which can deplete the hemoglobin levels in the blood, which can cause anemia. Anemia that goes untreated can cause shortness of breath, palpitations, swelling of arms and legs, chest pain, heartburn, sweating, and vomiting.
   • In the case of children and adolescents, severe anemia can affect motor skills and mental faculties. She may have a poor attention span and become less alert and responsive.
   • Adults with untreated anemia may develop heart related problems and may even experience stroke and cardiac conditions. Anemia may also impair cognitive powers.

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Sources and Citations

See also

• Help Someone Who Is Taking Grief‐Induced Risks
• Tell if Your Teen Is Cutting
• Stop Self Harming
• Stop Cutting Yourself
• Hide Self Harm Scars
• Cope with Self Injury
• Help Someone Who Self Injures
• Tell Someone You Self Harm

What links here

• Check out Cuts, Scratches and Abrasions
• Comfort Your Friend
• Tell if Your Teen Is Cutting