Help a Child Handle Father's Day After a Father's Death

After the death of a father, children do not know what to do with the emotions and empty feelings that come on Father's Day. Their friends may have plans with their fathers, and the topic may make them sad and uncomfortable. You may also notice that they are anxious or angry. Make an effort to help them deal with their emotions and feel that in some way they were still able to spend special time with Dad on Father’s Day.

Steps

Supporting the Child Emotionally

1. Recognize their loss. When children lose a parent, the sadness runs deep. On holidays like Father’s Day, that loss is even more evident because other children do have their fathers present. Reassure the child that you know they will have a hard time with the day, but that it’s okay to be sad sometimes.
   • Say things like, “I know today is going to be challenging, but we should try to have a good day and remember your father.”
   • Many people who lose their parents at a young age express having lost their childhood, or bearing a burden too large for a child. It is important to realize that young children do not even realize how much their loss is affecting them.
2. Raise the topic. Even if your child does not talk about losing their father, that does not mean they are not still thinking about it. Your child might still be feeling the pain of the loss, but feel unsure about how to communicate these feelings. Therefore, you might want to raise the topic to let your child know that you are thinking about it too and to open up a conversation about it.
   • Try saying something like "I was thinking of Daddy earlier today because it's Father's Day. Have you been thinking of him too?"
   • This will give your child a chance to express how they have been feeling.
3. Be open about appropriate details. Sometimes, children are sheltered from the details surrounding the death of a parent. This is usually done to protect the child from emotional harm, but can have devastating results. Children will be naturally curious about their lost father, and about how he died. Answer those questions as best you can to help the child work through the grieving process and come to terms with their situation.
   • The way that you Talk-to-Your-Children-About-Death will depend on their developmental age. For example, if your child is very young, then they might not have a concept of permanence yet, so using brief, simple examples can help. For example, you might explain to a preschool age child that when someone dies, it means they cannot see, breathe, eat, or think. However, an older child may already understand what death means, so you might not need to explain what it is.
   • You might not want to share gory details, but if there was a fatal accident that your kid's dad was involved in, for instance, keep it to “Your father died in a car accident”. Statements like that give some closure.
4. Share memories of their father. The child may have lost an active father recently, or not remember their father at all. Either way, it helps to talk about him. Tell stories of how you knew their father, what games he liked to play, what things he liked to eat, and how much he loved his children.
   • A comment as small as “This was your father’s favorite meal,” will let the child know that you are thinking of their father.
5. Encourage them to remember the good things about their father. Everyone has good and bad traits. In general, and on Father’s Day especially, encourage your children to remember the good things about their deceased father. Not only does it give them something positive to cling to about their dad, but it reaffirms their own positive self image.
   • Be sure to say things like “Your father really loved you. Just because he's dead doesn't mean he doesn't still love you."

Memorializing Their Father

1. Hold a dinner in his honor. If you remember a specific meal that their father liked, plan to have that for Father’s Day. You could invite friends and family over for a barbecue, or just go out to their father’s favorite restaurant. If the child is interested, you could let them help cook the meal.
2. Go to his resting place. You can take the child to their father’s final resting place. This might be a cemetery, or a mountainside where his ashes were scattered. Either way, it can help a child to go to the physical place that they associate with their father. This will give them a sense of closeness to him.
3. Bring a picture with you for the day. Instead of going to Dad, you could bring him with you. Wherever you and/or the child go that day, bring a picture of their dad. This will give them the sense that they are spending time with him in some way. Looking at the picture(s) also serves as a way to recognize their father.
4. Attend a sporting event. If there is a particular sport that the child’s father enjoyed, take them to a game. Cheering for a favorite team will make them feel close to their father again. If their team is too far away or the sport is not in season, watch recordings of old games and have a sports party.
5. Take time to reflect. Turn on some music that your kid's father would have enjoyed, or just sit quietly and think. Allow time for both of you to think about the man that you knew and miss. You can also reflect by writing in a journal or making some form of art.
   • For example, you could encourage the child to draw a picture of themselves with their dad.

Planning the Day

1. Expect emotions to be high. Expecting a child to cope calmly with the loss of their father is unreasonable. You should be prepared to talk to them and help them control their emotions (such as grief, anger and regrets), especially on a holiday as specific as Father’s Day. Having the day planned out will help you predict when the child might have the most intense emotions.
   • For example, you might be met with resistance or outbursts over what to eat for dinner. Instead of making this a big deal, try to help the child understand their anger.
2. Make an effort to recognize the child’s father. The child will feel better knowing that their father has not been forgotten. Allow them the space to memorialize their father in some way, and make an effort to do the same. Be sure that they actually see you giving their father recognition of Father’s Day. Some ideas might be:
   • Plant a tree in his memory.
   • Do charity work in his memory.
   • Talk to him in some way.
   • Do activities that he would enjoy.
3. Plan a fun event for later in the day. Teaching children to grieve is important. Teaching them to come to terms with that grief is also important. Plan a fun event for the end of the day to lighten the mood after Father’s Day. Explain to them that it is okay to feel sad and that it was good to recognize their father, but now it's okay to let go of the sadness for a while and have fun. Being sad makes happiness more special, after all!
   • You could plan a trip to the park or the zoo in the evening.

Tips

• Be patient and understanding.
• Be aware of situations where other children are with their dads.

Warnings

• Expect some pushback, especially from older children.
• The child might be upset all day.

Related Articles

• Talk to Your Children About Death
• Deal With the Death of a Grandparent
• Deal With a Parent's Death
• Live After the Death of a Spouse
• Prepare for the Death of a Loved One
• Cope with Loss and Pain

References

See also

• Overcome Pain and Grief With Positive Thinking, Yoga and Meditation
• Cope with Workplace Grief

What links here

• Live After the Death of a Spouse
• Cope with Loss and Pain
• Deal With a Parent's Death
• Deal With the Death of a Grandparent
• Find the Perfect Gift For Your Father
• Talk to Your Children About Death