Hire a Nanny Who Won't Hit On Your Spouse

Nannies take care of your children, forming a strong bond and often becoming a part of the family. Yet in some families, the relationship between the parents might be strained, and one partner feels the other might become interested in the new caregiver. To avoid the possibility of a nanny interested in hitting on a married parent, focus on hiring a professional nanny with a strong background and recommendations from other families. Remember, you are hiring a nanny to act as a parental figure while you are not around, and a professional nanny will absolutely not see a flirtation with one partner as appropriate behavior.

Steps

Assessing Potential Nannies

1. Reach out to friends and family members. This is a good start if you're looking for a quality nanny. If you have friends and family members with children, you can ask them for recommendations. A close friend or family member is unlikely to suggest a nanny who's had issues with professionalism. They may be able to steer you in the direction of a nanny who's unlikely to hit on your husband.
   • There are certain questions that may be awkward to ask during an interview. You can field these questions to friends and family members to prevent hiring a nanny who may hit on your spouse.
   • For example, you can ask something like, "Does the nanny ever dress provocatively? Did the nanny seem excessively friendly with your spouse? How much did you trust this person when you weren't around?"
2. Watch for signs of flirtation in an interview. When you have a few nannies to interview, keep an eye out for signs of flirtation. While a nanny may not overtly hit on your husband in front of you, he or she may give off subtle signs of sexual or romantic interest.
   • Watch how the potential nanny makes eye contact. If a nanny is interested in your spouse, he or she may make eye contact. Flirtatious eye contact is often marked by triangulation. A nanny may, for example, look from your husband's eyes to the bridge of his nose.
   • Mirroring is another form of flirtation. If a nanny is attracted to your husband, he or she may imitate his body language. For example, if your husband crosses his legs, the nanny may cross his or her legs as well.
   • A female nanny may flirt by playing with her hair or exposing her neck or inner waist. A male nanny may flirt by preening, stretching, or placing his hands on or near a belt buckle.
3. Keep an eye out for professional conduct. A professional nanny is less likely to hit on a spouse. During the interview, watch for signs your nanny conducts his or herself professionally.
   • A professional nanny will be focused on showing off his or her expertise. They will have a lot of qualifications to list during the interview. A professional nanny will also showcase how he or she does more than expected.
   • Does your nanny work for an agency? If so, he or she may have a document outlining expectations of professional conduct. Ask a nanny in an interview whether he or she can provide a document.
   • You can also ask your nanny directly. Say something like, "What would you consider professional conduct?" A nanny who is likely to conduct his or herself professionally should be able to provide an answer without hesitation.
4. Be careful when asking about a potential nanny's relationship status. It is illegal to inquire about someone's marital status in an interview. You could land yourself in trouble if you ask something like, "Are you single?" Try to find subtle ways to figure out your nanny's relationship status. A nanny who is married or in a serious relationship may be less likely to hit on your spouse.
   • Ask something like, "What do you do in your free time?" This may prompt a nanny to give information about his or her romantic life. For example, a nanny may answer, "I like to go hiking with my boyfriend on the weekends."
   • You can also ask a nanny about future plans. A question like, "Where do you see yourself in 10 years?" may prompt a nanny to open up about his or her relationship status. For example, a nanny may answer, "Me and my husband are hoping to move out of the city to start a family in a few years."
   • If you're really uncertain, try asking a friend or family member if they recommended the nanny. Whoever last worked with the nanny may know if he or she is involved with someone romantically.
5. Check references. This a crucial part of the process for many reasons. You want to make sure a nanny has a good reputation. Ask for a list of references and make sure to call all of them. If there's anything fishy in your nanny's history, you're likely to find out from talking to references.
   • It may seem odd to ask directly about a nanny hitting on a spouse. When phoning references, try to avoid direct questions. Instead, ask questions that may indicate a nanny's level of professionalism.
   • For example, you can ask something like, "Did this nanny conduct herself professionally?" and "How did she get along with your husband?" If the nanny hit on the husbands of past clients, this may be a pattern of behavior.
6. Propose a trial period. Even if a nanny appears professional, you never know for sure. Ask a potential nanny if he or she is willing to do a trial period. This can help you get a better picture of your nanny's interactions with your husband.
   • A trial run can last a few days or a few weeks. You can let the nanny know directly you want to do a trial run to make sure he or she clicks with your family.
   • Remember, you usually have to pay someone for their time, even if it's just a trial run.

Catching Bad Behavior

1. Drop in unexpectedly. Do so when your husband is home. If your nanny is hitting on your spouse, you may catch them in the act.
   • Select a day in the middle of the week. Make sure your nanny knows your schedule, so he or she will assume you'll be gone.
   • A good time to drop in is when you're supposed to be at work. You can try taking your lunch break at home. Then, go home and check in on your nanny. She how he or she is behaving in front of your husband.
2. Talk to your children. Your children are likely to know a lot about the nanny. As they spend the most time with him or her, they'll be privy to knowledge you may miss.
   • Ask open-ended questions at first. Try something like, "How are you liking your new nanny?" If there is anything odd or unexpected going on, a child may bring this up right away.
   • You can also subtly ask about the nanny's interactions with your husband. For example, "How is the new nanny getting along with Daddy?" Children may give an answer that indicates flirtatious behavior.
3. Enlist the help of neighbors. If you're close to a neighbor, he or she may be able to keep an eye on the nanny. If there's anything odd or suspicious going on, a neighbor can let you know.
   • If your kids play outside a lot, a neighbor can keep an eye on them. If your husband is outside with the nanny, the neighbor will be able to see anything suspicious.
   • You can also ask a neighbor to drop in unexpectedly on days that you can't be there. During these times, a neighbor can watch for suspicious interactions between your nanny and your spouse.
4. Try a nanny cam. It can be expensive and time-consuming to set up a camera. However, this may be the best way to monitor your nanny during unexpected moments. If neither your nanny or your husband knows they're being watched, you may be able to catch signs of flirtation.
   • You can set up nanny cams at various locations around your home. Watch the tapes at the end of the day, paying particularly close attention to your nanny's conduct with your spouse.
   • You may not want to tell your spouse about the cameras. This way, if the flirtation is mutual, you're more likely to catch it. Keep in mind, however, that this can be a serious breach of trust and can cause issues in your marriage.
5. Start over with a new nanny if it doesn't work out. If you notice flirtatious behavior, try again with a new nanny. Once again, evaluate the nanny in the interview to make sure he or she is not being flirtatious. Check up unexpectedly, and have neighbors do the same. With some time and dedication, you should be able to find a nanny who does not flirt with your spouse.

Addressing the Issue with Your Spouse

1. Assess your relationship honestly. If you're concerned about a nanny hitting on your spouse, it's possible there are other issues with your marriage. You may be worried your husband will hit on the nanny in return. There may be a risk of infidelity. You should assess your relationship honestly and, if you believe there's a danger, talk to your husband directly.
   • See if there are any issues that would make your husband vulnerable to an affair. Is there underlying anger or tension in your marriage? Has your husband struggled with fidelity before?
   • Has your husband hit on past nannies? If so, he may be more likely to hit on your current nanny.
2. Let your husband know what you want to discuss. It's a good idea to be upfront in these situations. If you're concerned about your husband's fidelity, do not beat around the bush. Let him know directly you're concerned about his potential conduct with the new nanny.
   • Make sure you phrase things in terms of your feelings. If you come off as accusatory, the conversation may not run smoothly. Do not, for example, say, "I'm concerned about the fact you may hit on our new nanny."
   • Instead, try saying something like, "I want to discuss my feelings about your potential interactions with our new nanny."
3. State your feelings directly. Again, it's important to be as straight forward as possible. When talking to your spouse about his relationship with the nanny, make your feelings as clear as possible.
   • Phrase your comments in a direct manner. If you have something good to say, say it outright rather than stating the positive followed by a "but" and addressing the negative statement.
   • Be straightforward about the problem. Then, you can address any positives in the situation. For example, "Given your history with our nannies, I'm a little concerned about your conduct. That being said, I really like this nanny and she seems to work well with our family."
4. Find common goals. Moving forward, you and your husband should set some common rules and boundaries. What do you expect from your husband's relationship with the nanny? How can the two of you rebuild trust?
   • Make sure you both agree on the goals. Do not come into the situation with a set of goals already established in your own mind. For example, do not say something like, "I need you to avoid being alone with the nanny." Instead, say something like, "Can we talk about how to ease my worries?"
   • There are a variety of goals you can set to help the situation go smoothly. You can agree your husband will be open with you about his interactions with the nanny. You can have your husband report any suspicious behavior to you. Think about what will make you feel better about having the nanny home alone with your husband.
   • If necessary, you and your husband may benefit from couples counseling. This can help you work out any trust issues between the two of you.
5. Proceed with optimism. It's important to be optimistic about the situation. After talking things over with your husband, hope for the best going forward. Having a negative attitude is unlikely to help the situation. Look on the bright side. You and your husband have discussed a potentially tricky issue and are ready to work on strengthening your marriage.

Tips

• Professional nannies won't allow the whole seduction routine to even happen. On the whole, good nannies are professionals, trained to do a job and are not there to break up families. Have faith that most nannies won't be attempting to lure away your partner.

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Sources and Citations

See also

• Cope with the End of a Long Friendship
• Overcome Hatred from Others
• Change Someone Else's Behavior
• Avoid Conflict
• Determine Why Someone Is Treating You Poorly
• Deal With Impossible People
• Stop Being a People Pleaser
• Deal With Beggars Asking You for Money
• Ignore People You No Longer Wish to Be Around
• Tell Someone to Stop Flirting With You

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