Live with an Overly Critical Person

Whether it's a parent, roommate, or romantic partner, it can be tough to live with someone who's overly critical. If you can't relax in your home environment, it's hard to function. Critical people are often unhappy themselves. Try to understand criticism is rarely personal. Find strategies to cope in the moment. Address the situation in a calm, respectful manner. Then, move forward. Focus on maintaining your own happiness and positivity despite your living situation.

Steps

Coping in the Moment

  1. Do not take negativity personally. The most important thing to remember is that it's not about you. If a person is generally critical or negative, chances are they would complain about anyone. When being criticized, try to calm yourself down and remember not to take it personally.
    • Consider the source of the criticism. Is the person you're living with generally critical? Does he or she complain about work, school, and other friends? If so, this person may simply have a negative outlook. Their criticism is a reflection of that worldview. It is not an objective judgement of your character.[1]
    • Try to remember you're worthwhile. There may be some thread of validity to the criticism. We could all use to improve in some areas. However, flaws and imperfections do not define your character. Your roommate may be right when he points out you always forget to throw out empty milk containers. However, he's choosing to focus on that flaw over your other qualities.[2]
  2. Resist the urge to argue. It's almost always a bad idea to argue with a critical person. If someone is overly critical, they do not want to resolve a conflict. They simply want to complain. Even if it's difficult, try to resist arguing.
    • Use empathetic listening when someone is being critical. Simply repeat what the critical person is saying to you. This shows you're listening without forcing you to give in to unreasonable demands. This is a better technique than engaging in an argument. For example, say something like, "So, I'm hearing you think it's unfair that I forgot to wash my dinner plate last night?"[3]
    • Critical people will often try to force you to engage with them. If you respond empathetically, they may continue to level criticism. Instead of arguing back, calmly state your opinion. You could say, "I'm sorry that was frustrating for you, but I honestly forgot. I'll just clean it up now and try to remember next time." If a person is very critical, they may continue to berate you past this point. Do not egg the person on. Simply continue to restate your opinion. Eventually, the other person will get bored and back off.[3]
  3. Tune it out. Sometimes, the best means to deal with overly critical people is to learn to ignore them. For a critical person, complaining and nitpicking is simply a way of life. Learn to tune it out.
    • Overly critical people thrive on conflict and drama. The more you respond, the more likely they'll be to criticize. Therefore, try just responding with monosyllabic answers. When met with criticism, say something like, "Uh-huh," "Yeah," or "Okay."[1]
  4. Have compassion. Overly critical people are often unhappy themselves. They often have unreasonably high expectations for their own achievements and personal conduct. If someone you live with criticizes you frequently, have some compassion.
    • Understand you only have to deal with a critical person in the moment. A critical person, on the other hand, has to deal with him or herself all the time. There's a good chance your roommate, family member, romantic partner, or friend criticizes you because of his or her own sense of inadequacy.[4]
    • When someone is criticizing you, consider that person's perspective. There may be reasons he or she is overly critical. For example, say you're a college student living at home. Your father may constantly berate you about your study habits. Consider his perspective. Maybe your dad never got a chance to go to school himself. He could feel insecure in your presence as you're achieving something he never had the chance to achieve. The criticism is not personal. It's a reflection of your father's unhappiness. Sometimes, simply having compassion for someone can ease your frustration with that person.[4]
  5. Give in on occasion. If you're living with an overly critical person, sometimes it's easier to let go of minor things. If your boyfriend bites your head off when you don't fold the laundry in a particular fashion, just to do it his way. It's not a big concession to make and it can ease up on some tension.[5]
    • Even if someone is being unreasonably critical, there could be validity to their complaints. As stated previously, we all have bad habits. It can be annoying if your roommate complains continuously that you leave the bathroom floor wet after you shower. However, someone could slip and fall. Rather than getting annoyed, simply try to wipe up any water with a towel when you finish showering.

Addressing the Situation

  1. Assert yourself. You cannot put up with criticism indefinitely. Criticism can reach a point where it's no longer tolerable. It's one thing for your roommate to get on your case about taking the garbage out. However, some critical people begin giving unsolicited advice about your personal and professional life. In this case, you should assert yourself.
    • Be firm, but also be kind. You do not want to be aggressive or disrespectful. This can escalate the situation and lead to an argument instead of a resolution.[2]
    • Simply state your concern in simple, concrete terms. For example, say your roommate is on your case about your relationship with your girlfriend. Say something like, "I appreciate that you're concerned about how much time me and Madeline spend together. It's nice to know you care about me enough to express this. However, I think my relationship is pretty stable. At the moment, I'm happy and don't need advice. If that changes in the future, I'll let you know."[2]
  2. Examine the nature of the criticism. Even if it's hard, it can sometimes be helpful to try to objectively examine the criticism. If you try to understand where the other person is coming from, you can more effectively address the issues.
    • First, consider what is being criticized. Is it something you can control? If so, maybe you could make the effort to change. You could try doing your dishes after using them. However, critical people have a tendency to nitpick people about things they cannot change. If you tend to laugh loudly when watching funny movies, this is more of a personality trait than a conscious choice. In this case, the criticism may be unfair.[3]
    • How is the criticism expressed? If you're living with someone, you need to be able to communicate. If you're doing something that bothers your living partner, that person has a right to express him or herself. However, how criticism is expressed matters. If the other person is yelling, using foul language, or otherwise being harsh, this is not reasonable.[3]
    • Why is this person criticizing you? Do you think your roommate genuinely wants you to change, or do you think she just enjoys complaining?[3]
  3. Provide some honest feedback. One way to cope with highly critical people is to give them feedback. Some people are simply inefficient at communicating with others. They may not understand how to be helpful without coming off as critical or condescending.
    • A critical person may have valid feedback or advice. However, how they dish out this advice is not always helpful. If you have to deal with a critical person each day, try telling that person what is and is not helpful. Eventually, they may learn how to better communicate with you.[2]
    • For example, say your roommate is lecturing you excessively on how you mop the floor. You've already mopped the floor that day. You know you'll forget this advice the next time the chore needs to be done. Say something like, "I understand you want me to change how I mop the floor. But next time, can you tell me before I start cleaning? I'm worried I'll forget by this time next week."[2]
  4. Use "I"-statements. It's possible an overly critical person has hurt your feelings. People who are negative and demanding often upset those around them. When expressing your frustration, use "I"-statements. These are statements designed to highlight personal feelings over blame. You express how something made you feel instead of passing objective judgement on a situation.[3]
    • I statements have three parts. You start with "I feel" and state you feeling. After this, you explain the behavior that led to this feeling. Finally, you explain why you feel this way. This helps avoid blame. You are not telling someone they're objectively wrong, but rather emphasizing how their actions affect you.[6]
    • For example, say your boyfriend always criticizes you for taking too long in the shower. Do not say, "It's really irritating when you get on my case about my shower time. I don't bother you when you're in the bathroom. This is disrespectful." When you use language like this, even though you may have a valid point, your boyfriend may feel unfairly blamed or judged.[6]
    • Instead, rephrase your feelings using an "I"-statement. In the above scenario, you could say something like, "I feel disrespected when you lecture me about how long I shower because I feel like I always respect you privacy when you're in the bathroom."[6]
  5. Be open to compromise. Even if you feel you're in the right, living with someone means compromise. Look for ways you can meet an overly critical person halfway.
    • Accept any criticism that is valid. We all have bad habits that can irritate a roommate, family member, or significant other. If there's something you're doing wrong, even something small, make an effort to change.[7]
    • Try to work on letting go of some of your own resentment. Understand where the other person is coming from and, on occasion, give in to his or her demands.[5]

Moving Forward

  1. Lead by example. One of the best ways you can deal with an overly critical person is to foster your own sense of positivity. Avoid allowing the critical person to make you feel negative. Show him or her how to be a happier, more positive person.[4]
    • If someone is criticizing everything you do, give them the opposite response. This helps show them they cannot drag others into their negativity. If your girlfriend is berating you because she disagrees with your political beliefs, respond with something like, "Isn't it wonderful we live in a country where we're all entitled to our opinion?"[1]
    • Try to avoid placating a negative person. Many negative people thrive on complaining and may continually go on about their problems. They may refuse to listen to any potential solutions. In cases like this, cut the critical person off. You are not helping them by allowing them to complain endlessly. Say something like, "I'm not sure what to tell you, but I'm sure you'll find the solution." Then, offer a smile and back out of the conversation.[1]
  2. Maintain your own happiness. It's very important you take responsibility for your own happiness. Even if you're living with a negative person, you need to make an effort to enjoy your life. Work on consciously staying happy despite your circumstances.[1]
    • Adopt a more positive attitude about life. This can be difficult, especially if you're met with an onslaught of negativity. However, people are generally happier when they accept their circumstances, good or bad. Try to think to yourself, "It's difficult to live with this person, but that's life. I'm still me and I can still enjoy myself."[4]
    • Take time away if you need it. Spend a few hours each day outside the house. Go out with friends on your own on a Saturday night. Surround yourself with positive, happy moments and people. This can help you maintain a level of happiness even while living with an overly critical person.[4]
  3. End the relationship, if necessary. If the criticism is extreme, you may have to question if the relationship is really worth it. This is especially true if this is a romantic relationship. It's hard to feel positive and happy with your partner when each day comes with an onslaught of criticism. If there's no change after you've made an effort to talk things through and compromise, it may be time to move on. Evaluate the relationship and consider whether or not it's important enough to salvage.[7]

Tips

  • Have patience. Many people who are overly critical struggle with conditions like perfectionism. It can be very hard for them to relinquish control and accept another person's shortcomings. Even if the overly critical person is open to change, accept that change will take time.

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Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 1.3 1.4 http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/07/15/4-tips-for-dealing-with-critical-or-negative-people/
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 2.2 2.3 2.4 http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2015/03/16/how-to-deal-with-critical-people/
  3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 3.2 3.3 3.4 3.5 http://sfhelp.org/cx/apps/critical.htm
  4. ↑ 4.0 4.1 4.2 4.3 4.4 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sapient-nature/201303/dealing-negative-people
  5. ↑ 5.0 5.1 http://blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/2015/11/how-to-live-with-a-perfectionist/
  6. ↑ 6.0 6.1 6.2 http://www.austincc.edu/colangelo/1318/istatements.htm
  7. ↑ 7.0 7.1 http://www.healthguidehq.com/how-to-deal-with-an-overly-critical-partner.html
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