Deal With a Difficult Spouse

Relationships are works-in-progress and require a few course-corrections to reach their full potential. If you and your spouse are feeling the impact of anger issues, poor communication or an inability to compromise, you can improve your situation. Developing the tools of open and honest communication, learning to negotiate a compromise, and committing to change will get you back on the road to happiness.

Steps

Improving Communication

1. Prepare what you want to say. Write down your concerns so you can communicate them to your spouse. This will help identify specific behaviors, feelings and solutions. If you believe there is a problem, include a possible solution.
   • Write down your thoughts. It will be helpful to get it all out on paper. Writing down your thoughts is therapeutic and will help organize your emotions in a way that promotes stress reduction.
   • Practice saying your concerns out loud. Don’t worry about being perfect. If it is from your heart, that is what matters.
   • When you talk to someone who may overpower you with their negativity, being prepared is a good way to combat the urge to be negative as well.
2. Pick a good time to talk. Avoid early morning conversations when you or your spouse might be grumpy; and try not to talk immediately when you get home from work. Relax and settle down before you approach. If you’ve been feeling the brunt of his negativity, you probably know what time will hold the most promise for a positive outcome.
   • Talking in public places might be beneficial. The person is less likely to get upset for fear of being embarrassed.
   • Align as many positive things as you can to set the stage for positive communication. Perhaps you could go somewhere that you both enjoy, or you could stay at home and have a great dinner.
3. Maintain a positive attitude while talking. Express your optimism about working together to find a solution. This is your chance to make a difference in your relationship. It is your time to speak and be heard. Don’t let your spouse deter you from your goal of having a good, problem-solving conversation. You’re on a mission to be heard so focus on what’s important: creating a change for the better.
   • Approach the subject positively by saying something like, “I really appreciate the things you do for me and I really want you to be happy. I get the feeling you’re not happy with me based on some of the things you say.” This will start things off.
   • If his first response is negative, try to stop him by saying, “I want to talk about this peacefully because I’m concerned about it; and if we need to change something, then we need to listen to each other.” Diffuse his response with calm, focused discussion.
   • If he can’t respond without getting aggressive or agitated, then simply say, “Maybe we can talk about this later.” If he is absolute in his demeanor then you have got a more serious problem on your hands. Don’t put yourself in harm’s way. Do what you can to get to a safe place.
   • He may respond with an open ear and show you his genuine concern. This is your opportunity to let him know how you feel about being criticized. Don’t be afraid to tell him that it hurts your feelings and makes you concerned about your relationship and its future.
   • Keep telling him that you love him and show your support for what he has to say.
4. Figure out what is really going on. If you know that you haven’t been doing anything that would constitute your spouse’s negative responses, then it’s time to roll up your sleeves and get to work. This is the perfect opportunity to practice your problem solving skills.
   • If a person is always complaining or being critical about most things in life it may be due to something that happened to him earlier in life. There could be an event or a tragedy in a person’s life that makes him behave this way.
   • You may find out that he is very unhappy with his job or with an unrelated issue that has nothing to do with you. If he thinks his life is bad because of these things, he might be taking it out on you.
   • He may be resenting you for not being perfect. You need to remind him that you aren’t perfect, you weren’t when you met, probably never will be, and neither is he.
   • Insecurities about job performance, financial independence, and physical performance can all contribute to a person’s constant complaining and negativity. Depression may be at the root of the problem and needs to be dealt with accordingly.
   • He might feel the world is against him and you are part of it. You need to separate yourself from that association and reassure him that you are on his side.
5. Be honest. Lead by example by speaking your truth. This does not mean you have to be brutally honest and hurt the person’s feelings. Use your words carefully and keep in mind that you are trying to solve problem that will improve your communication.
6. Be respectful and ask for it in return. Respect is earned. If you act in a respectful manner it will set the stage for being respected in return. If you feel you are not being respected, tell the person, “I want us to be respectful to each other. I’m willing to do that, are you?”
7. Be open. It takes courage to be vulnerable. Opening your heart to the possibility of improvement is essential. You may have a fear of getting hurt, but that is a risk worth taking. Once you experience the reward of being open, it will become easier.

Dealing with an Inability to Compromise

1. Set the stage for a resolution. Lead by example and serve as your own mediator. You want to appear optimistic about the situation. Be attentive and focused so she knows that you are serious and believe that you can solve the problem at hand.
   • Be diplomatic. Having a keen sense of fairness will help get your work done.
   • Listen and be heard. It is common knowledge that you cannot listen and talk at the same time. You need to be able to listen to what she has to say; and you need to feel that you are being heard. If you don’t feel you are being heard, then tell her.
   • Don’t interrupt. Show your respect for the process by not interrupting. If she interrupts you tell her something like, “I’m not going to interrupt you when you’re talking because I want to hear what you have to say. Please let me talk without being interrupted so you’ll know exactly what I’m trying to communicate.”
2. Ask for what you want. Know what you want and be able to communicate it. She needs to know how you feel when she criticizes the things you do. Think about these things ahead of time so you can clearly communicate your needs and wants. Preparation will help you stay on task should she decide to add her negative input.
   • Do not compromise your values. Be clear that you are not willing to go against your values. Be specific about what you consider deal breakers. If she constantly berates your grandmother behind her back, which erodes the value you place on your family, tell her.
   • Always tie your needs and wants back to helping the relationship. Confirm that all you want is to be happy and for her to be happy.
3. Ask her what she wants. This will allow her the opportunity to clarify her requests, expectations and desires. It’s important to hear what she has to say, which will help her feel understood.
   • Take notes and if she asks you why you’re doing that, tell her you want to make sure you don’t miss anything she says.
   • Read back your notes to her and ask if you got everything correct. Add anything you missed or anything she would like to add.
   • If she indicates something she wants and you know you cannot agree to it simply say, “I can’t agree to that. It’s not reasonable to me. Perhaps we can take some time to think about other options and find a compromise.”
4. Deflect negativity. People who have a problem with chronic negativity add a negative twist to every situation. Do not allow yourself to be influenced by your partner's negative and critical thinking.
   • If she continues to be negative tell her, “I’m trying to focus on the positive so we can solve this problem. It’s easy to be negative. Being positive is hard, but that’s what I’m going to do.”
5. Solicit a commitment for change. You both need to fully embrace the idea of reconciliation. It is crucial that at minimum you agree to try to make a change. That may be your starting point, and then you can build from there. The goal is to commit to the process fully, but you may need to start with small steps.
   • Review the items on both your lists. Let her know that you agree to make the changes, if she agrees to make the changes too.
   • It is acceptable to say things like, “I’m willing to commit to you and this agreement. Tell me how comfortable and willing you are to commit to making things better for us.”
   • Reassure her that you are doing this to make things better for both of you and your future together.

Adjusting for Imperfections

1. Be patient. Change does not come easy for some people. Your spouse has a difficult challenge ahead, especially if he hasn’t been aware of his behaviors or what triggers them. Patience is the key to a successful relationship. Convince yourself that although this is an extremely challenging time, it is temporary.
   • Things will improve if you remain focused on your goals.
   • If things aren’t going well, don’t give up. Discuss the matter and agree to move forward making adjustments if necessary.
2. Compliment each other. When you are pleased with how things are going, tell your spouse. If you see him catch himself being negative and then he corrects himself, acknowledge this as an accomplishment. Everyone needs to know they are doing a good job. It will help both of you stay motivated.
3. Laugh. If you can both find some way to laugh about the situation, it can be healing for both of you. A laugh is the shortest distance between two people. It is almost impossible to stay upset when you are laughing. Try it.
4. Be coachable. Everyone needs a little coaching. Don’t criticize your spouse or yourself for making mistakes. Instead, focus on the efforts you both are making to be better people. A tiny step is still a step in the right direction.
5. Let it go. Whether your situation is more serious or you are dealing with a spouse who ignores your requests to take out the trash, it’s important to keep things in perspective. No one likes to feel small or diminished or ignored by a spouse or by anyone for that matter. You will find that once you feel heard and respected you will be able to release your feelings of upset and shepherd in feelings of relief. You can let it go.
   • If you try to let something go and it continues to eat at you, then you likely need to process more feelings about the situation. This may include additional chats with your spouse, or going for a hike to physically work out your emotions.
   • It can be upsetting if someone tells you to “just let it go” if you haven’t reached a level of resolve about the matter. Take a deep breath and say, “I’m working on letting it go, but I’m not there yet.”
   • Once you settle into a feeling of balanced perspective, you will see that some things are worth getting upset about, and some are not.
6. Renew your commitment to the relationship. Plenty of people decide to renew their wedding or commitment vows for various reasons. This may be a wonderful opportunity to ceremonially show each other that you have not lost interest in your relationship and you are still in love.
   • Making it through tough times together can result in a deeper desire for commitment.
   • Your spouse may realize the pain he has been causing and might feel guilty. He may want to show you that he is sorry for what he has put you through. Let him.

Seeking Help

1. Be self-reliant. Happiness is an inside job and you are responsible to create it. You know what makes you happy, so participate in activities outside your relationship that will build a reservoir of positive feelings. It is easier to face negative and difficult people if you are filled with good vibes. A happier you will always make any relationship better.
2. Find a positive source of energy. Dealing with people who are always negative can be very tiring and stressful. Making a change takes time so you will need support and encouragement to face the struggles. Find a friend or person you trust and who can be a source of encouragement.
   • Remember, negative people drain us of our energy so it needs to be replenished. Activities such as exercise, dancing, yoga and golf are only a few ways to recharge your batteries.
3. Avoid people with negative qualities. Stay away from friends and other family members who are negative and non-supportive. These people are best left to themselves. Do not allow them to influence your relationship with your spouse.
   • If being positive was easy, everyone would be doing it. There is a lot of dissatisfaction in the world and many people like to express it without permission. You don’t have to listen to it.
4. Work with a professional. If you feel you cannot manage the situation, there are professional counselors, therapists, and mediators who can help. You are human and there are times when you reach the end of your rope and need help. Although it will be difficult, a separation or divorce may be the only answer to your problem.
   • A temporary separation might actually save your relationship. This might provide the right amount of distance that allows you both time to determine the relationship is worth saving.
   • Psychologists and psychiatrists are available in your local area and can be located through the American Psychological Association and the American Psychiatric Association..
   • A mediator will serve as a neutral party and attempt to facilitate a resolution for both of you.

Tips

• Take time to relax if you are forced to live with negative people.
• Stay focused and positive, but realize that everyone has limits on what they can tolerate.
• Marriage and relationships are often about negotiation and compromise.
• Find an excuse to take a break from a negative conversation. Then remind yourself why you love your spouse/partner so much.
• Be open to communications and don’t give up on a relationship unless you are certain it should end.
• Be willing to forgive as long as you are not asked to do it on a constant basis.

Warnings

• Anyone who tries to force you to compromise your values is not looking out for your best interests.
• If you feel you need professional help you must seek it.
• Chronic negative behavior may be the sign of a more serious mental issue such as depression, an anxiety disorder or personality disorder.
• No tactic or strategy is 100% effective when it comes to addressing human behavior.

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