Make Peace with Herpes

Herpes is incredibly common. In the US, about one in six people between the ages of 14 and 49 have genital herpes, and in some populations, the prevalence is even greater.[1] Once you have herpes, you have it for life, but that doesn't mean your life has to be worse for it. Everyone has a physical issues to deal with, and yours just happens to be herpes. The best way to make peace with the virus is to accept that it's part of you and get comfortable managing it to improve your quality of life.

Steps

Coping with your diagnosis

  1. Accept that you have herpes. Accepting that you have herpes will allow you to move forward.[2] Studies have shown that people with herpes who use an acceptance coping style have a better quality of life.[3] Acceptance coping means accepting that your herpes is real and it is something that you have to address. Acceptance is an ongoing process that takes time. Many people will refuse to acknowledge that they actually have herpes or will continue to live as though they do not have herpes. This denial will only make things more difficult for you. [3]
    • If you know you have herpes and do not inform a sexual partner, this can not only hurt your relationship, but there may be legal ramifications as well: you can be sued for negligence or personal injury if you.[2] Herpes is nothing to be ashamed of, but you need to be honest with your partners so they can make an informed decision and protect their own health.
    • Write down or verbalize any negative feelings and thoughts you have about having herpes. Then, challenge where those negative feelings are coming from and replace them with more positive thoughts. [4][5]
    • Focus on the present. Do not think of the worst case scenario or dwell in your negative emotions.Instead of saying, "My life is over because I have herpes," try saying, "I am living right now, even though I have herpes," or, "I am many things. Having herpes is only one part of my life."[6]
  2. Redefine what is normal. You will have to make some changes to your life that may be difficult at first, but know that your life does not have to change dramatically. You can still do everything that you had planned to do. You may have to take medication every day and deal with an outbreak every once in a while, but you can mostly continue your life as normal.[7]
    • Continue to live the life you had before you were diagnosed. Make sure that you spend time doing things that you enjoy and make time for your family and friends. Doing simple things like taking a walk or reading a book can help you feel more positive about yourself.[2]
  3. Talk to someone you can trust. When we go through problems, we often isolate ourselves. This can make matters worse. Talking to someone that cares about you and that you can trust will help you tremendously.[8] This person can be a friend, family member, partner, or a therapist.
    • You are still the same person you were before you were diagnosed. People that care for you will not stop just because you have herpes.
    • It may take time before you are comfortable talking to another person about your diagnosis. Have the conversation when you are ready.
  4. Realize that herpes is common. Herpes is a very common virus in the United States.[1] Most people that have herpes have no symptoms or very mild symptoms. You probably know people who have herpes. Know that you are not alone.
  5. Forgive yourself. You will go through a variety of emotions after you are diagnosed with herpes. Many people are in disbelief, angry, resentful, ashamed, or embarrassed.[2] These feelings are normal, but it is important for you to address and work through them. Holding on to negative emotions can cause stress, which can make your outbreaks worse and more painful.[2]
    • You would never be upset with yourself for catching a cold or getting the flu. Anyone could contract herpes, and you should not beat yourself up about it. You are not a stupid person, and herpes does not have to define your life.
    • Try thinking of how you would talk to your friend if they told you they were diagnosed with herpes. Forgive yourself and treat yourself with kindness.
    • Write down exactly what you want to forgive yourself for to work through your anger. Cut up or burn this letter to symbolize that you are letting all of it go.[9]
  6. Forgive others. It is normal for you to be upset with the person that gave you herpes and wonder if the person knew that they had it.[7] Most people with herpes do not know that they have it. Forgiveness is about you and not the other person. Holding on to anger and resentment will only hurt you and not the other person. You have to make the choice to forgive the person.
    • Acknowledge any anger or resentment you feel. Talk about it or write it down. Try writing a letter to the person who gave you herpes to process your feelings and then burn the letter.[10] The burning of the letter is symbolic of you letting the anger and resentment go.
    • If you are having trouble with forgiveness, you should seek help from a therapist to work through your feelings.
  7. Seek professional help. If you are not able to handle the emotional impact of herpes on your own, you should go see a therapist or a counselor. Cognitive behavioral stress management, progressive muscle relaxation, and group therapy have been found to be helpful for managing herpes.[11]
    • Professional therapy can help you feel less lonely and improve your mood. Group therapy will also allow you to meet other people who have herpes.
    • Cognitive behavioral stress management will help you focus on how your thoughts effect your emotions and behaviors. Participating in this type of therapy can help you feel less depressed and can improve your body's immune function.[12]
  8. Join a support group. A support group is a safe place for you to talk about your feelings and learn from other people who are living with herpes.[13] Support groups can be found online and in person. Ask your doctor if they know of any support groups. The Center for Disease Control (CDC) has a hotline that can connect you with counselors and information.[14]

Managing your Herpes

  1. See a medical professional. Your doctor can help you find the best way to manage your herpes. Knowing how to manage your outbreaks will give you a sense of control. You should talk to your doctor about any concerns you have and how herpes may affect your life.[2]
  2. Reduce Stress. Studies have shown a relationship between increased stress levels and a greater number of outbreaks. This can create a vicious cycle because a herpes outbreak can be very stressful.[2]
    • Deep breathing, yoga, meditation, and walking outside are good ways to reduce stress. You should find an activity that you enjoy to help you relieve. You should practice stress management regularly and try to incorporate it into your daily life.[15]
    • Getting enough sleep is also important for keeping your stress levels down.
  3. Take medication. Although there is no cure for herpes, there are medications that can help you manage. Medications can help your sores heal faster, reduce the intensity and frequency of your outbreaks, and minimize the chance of you passing herpes to someone else.[16] The most common medications for herpes are Acyclovir (Zovirax), Famciclovir (Famvir), and Valacyclovir (Valtrex).
    • Your doctor will let you know how often you should take your medication. Some people only take medication when they are experiencing symptoms while others take medication everyday.[16]
  4. Tell Your Partner You Have Herpes. It is important that you let your current sex partner or any future sex partners that you have herpes. This can be a very hard conversation. You should have this conversation in private and before things get hot and heavy.[17]
    • You can start the conversation by saying, "I would like to talk to you about something. I found out that I was diagnosed with the herpes virus. It is very common, but I would like to talk to you about ways we can have safe sex..."[17]
    • In addition, your new partner should be tested for the virus — before you have sex. It is very possible your partner has it too, but doesn't know.
    • Some people may have a negative reaction when you tell them that you have herpes. Try not to become defensive and let the other person calm down and work through what you have told them.[18] They may be willing to deal with it and they may not. Know that you will be okay either way.
    • Being honest about having herpes can help build trust in a relationship.[2]

Tips

  • Never let anyone tell you that herpes should stop you from having sex (except for during outbreaks). It is a minor skin complaint and should not affect your sex life.
  • Take up yoga or tai-chi or qi-gong. Punch a punching bag or play some tennis, racquetball or squash. These things can help with stress.
  • Get some perspective. Herpes is medically unimportant and most of the time doesn't do anything.
  • Limit the amount of sugary drinks and fatty food you eat.
  • Use caffeine and alcohol in moderation.
  • Anti-inflammatory medications, such as Ibuprofen have been shown to decrease tenderness associated with the virus in sensitive areas, including the anus and vaginal area. While this does not usually lead to a decline in symptoms, it helps with the pain.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 http://www.cdc.gov/std/herpes/stdfact-herpes.htm
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 2.2 2.3 2.4 2.5 2.6 2.7 http://www.soc.ucsb.edu/sexinfo/article/psychological-issues-related-herpes
  3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 hpq.sagepub.com.proxy.library.vanderbilt.edu/content/16/1/12.full.pdf
  4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/out-the-darkness/201508/how-acceptance-can-transform-your-life
  5. ↑ http://www.webmd.com/genital-herpes/guide/coping-diagnosis
  6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/paintracking/201303/the-dialectic-pain-synthesizing-acceptance-and-change
  7. ↑ 7.0 7.1 http://www.webmd.com/genital-herpes/guide/coping-diagnosis?page=2
  8. ↑ http://www.webmd.com/genital-herpes/guide/stress-healthy
  9. ↑ http://www.thepowerofforgiveness.com/pdf/Forgiving_oneself.pdf
  10. ↑ http://www.growcounseling.com/10-steps-to-forgiveness/
  11. ↑ hpq.sagepub.com.proxy.library.vanderbilt.edu/content/16/1/80.full.pdf
  12. ↑ http://www.apa.org/pi/aids/resources/research/schneiderman.aspx
  13. ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/genital-herpes/basics/coping-support/con-20020893
  14. ↑ http://www.itsyoursexlife.com/hotlines-and-resources
  15. ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/basics/stress-relief/hlv-20049495
  16. ↑ 16.0 16.1 http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/genital-herpes/basics/treatment/con-20020893
  17. ↑ 17.0 17.1 http://www.itsyoursexlife.com/stds-testing-gyt/article/talk-to-your-partner
  18. ↑ http://www.webmd.com/genital-herpes/guide/all-about-genital-herpes-how-tell-your-partner?page=2
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